This is exactly the kind of thing that comes from emotional isolation and a wrecked self-esteem and a lack of proper, loving people close to you in life.
In healthy environments, people who love each other share with each other a lot of things without it feeling like a burden to anyone and they support each other and know how to just listen and be available. And no, I don't know what that's like either, I am just sharing the legends and stories.
A good parent might sometimes give their child tasks they aren’t ready to handle and let them make a mistake on purpose in order to teach them right from wrong.
A parent will simply let them persist in their mistake because it’s easier than making the mistake effort to correct them.
One of the most surefire recipes for creating a generation of people who don't want to socialize, improve themselves or feel any self-worth, is to be a parent who feels entitled to being the main character of the story and all your kids are just props and accessories.
Who else has 10 hours of escapism and self-medication on the agenda today.
I can't deal with the guilt of burdening someone who cares about me with knowledge of how much I want to not exist. I know exactly how that burden of anxiety and worry feels and I can't stand saddling someone I know and care about with it. It doesn't matter whether they want me to or not, I just can't deal with it. They'll all want to help and they can't and they'll feel terrible they can't help and I can't put them in that place.
If I tell someone about suicidal ideation, confide in them, then if I ever do end up killikg myself it would wreck them that they couldn't or didn't do anything to help. Or at least, I would in their position. Fuck.
Hey there... There is no reason. You are worthy of help. Anyone is. You can't stoop low enough to not deserve help. You can't not deserve help. So get out and find the help. I don't know if you will find a solution, but it will definitely help somewhat.