Everything feels so Loud (CW Depression/Sucide)
Everything feels so Loud (CW Depression/Sucide)
spoiler
I think I hit the last straw today, I have been really trying to get a job, hunderds of attempts and nothing, I finallly get an interview and I thought I did well, I did'nt turns out, I have nothing. On top of that my friends are now asking for rent, this was the one city I finally had some form of a support system now I have to move back home and leave it behind and return to a place I did not have any support system once so ever. I will likely need to quit hrt due to lack of funds. I am now thinking instead of suffering like I did alone for years, why not just commit. My plan is to create a massive scene to make everyone hate me, I will than disappear and commit in a random town far away from here cause I don't fucking care anymore. I am 2.5k in debt, nothing fucking matters. I have been holding out my entire life and shit never seems to get better. People just tell me well theres gotta be something postive in your home town :), but that comes across as a massive fuck you from someone who just was alone and cried in her bed constantly for years. and legit had nothing better to do than doom scroll twitter. I am humbling convienced that's as good as I am allowed to have based on karma from actions I did when I was 12-14. I know I am gonna get banned for this post but everything feels so loud. I chugged a monster and I started to have chest pain I legit didnt care anymore I just needed to feel something other than the numbness. I legit don't even know if I am real anymore and i LEGIT have no options anymore. I really doubt my friends would support me if I told them hey I'm sucidal they would likely just say we don;t know you like that and talk about how inappropriate it was to just drop that on them like that. I suck as a person I humbly believe that I deserve to be an unidentified jane doe somewhere. I also know I am very likely to be banned for this post but I really don't care nothing fuccking matters anymore I cwed this post as best I can I just can't fucking take it everything feels so loud ever since I read that fucking email, this is the millionth email I gotten like that
Hey, I don't know any words to help you feel better, but it sounds like you have a lot of guilt and shame. And I don't know why you do, but I can tell you I'm 50 years old and in all my time I've never met anyone who didn't royally fuck something up between the ages of 12 and 22. Give yourself some grace there. My dad stole a car and set it on fire. My bio mom, well, got pregnant at 15. My kids have all royally fucked up at least once each. My son lost a full ride scholarship and had to get himself sober, medicated, and start college all over again on his own dime - he just graduated last month.
Shit sucks if you don't have a support system. Get whatever kind of job you can get. Look for help. I used to donate my time and money to an organization that helped struggling trans youths - so I know there are organizations out there that maybe could help even if only a little bit.
Good luck. I hope you stick it out. Treat yourself with kindness.
It really sucks how hard it is to get off the ground.
2.5k isn't insurmountable debt by any means. It sucks you have no income. If you're imdesperate, just pick up a shit bs retail gig or 3 (..sigh) to make ends meet/pay bills.
Depression has a way of creating tunnel vision. Makes us feel like the problems we face are insurmountable. But there's often alternatives.
As someone who has been in your shoes I understand how hard it can be to just get up and keep moving towards a goal. What did help for a bit at first was to change my surroundings. I would go for very long walks, 10+ mies daily. This helped clear the cobwebs in my head. Made me feel healthier and helped me to discover things in my surroundings. Leaving the house also gave roommates space away from me... depression is depressing on everyone around you. It's like alcoholism, you think you're hiding it very well but everyone can smell it a mile away.
I could go on and on about all the steps it took and I'd be lying if I didn't admit it takes a very long time and exceedingly hard work everyday.
Feel free to contact me if you want to talk or if you want to hear funny stories about all the dumb embarrassing things I did to try to find joy. You are not alone. Sometimes it takes folding all cards to change your point of view. Take a bus to Yellowstone and work their summer program. Limited technology and a way to make new connections you might even end up working winters in Vail, CO. I did and it was so much fun.
I was in your spot right after my divorce.
I left my (rotating shift) well paying factory job and took a huge huge pay cut to start over in a different industry. (Low voltage, highly recommended if you can deal with a little light construction work, lots of room for growth and not enough smart people)
Struggled to get enough for child support. The rest of my buds were all out having fun or getting big kid jobs.
I was fortunate enough to take some stuff home from work to install and play with, speakers made the video games cooler and it helped me further my knowledge in this industry, moving me up the ladder.
I Was able to turn this into a service position, less raw construction work and more client facing, networking availability (both interpersonal and like, you know Ethernet shit haha) and better pay. Also really worked well with my ADHD.( Show up, fix people's wifi, get a big thank you and haul ass to the next one.
People's broken shit needs a place to get "recycled" especially if it's just like, one HDMI input going bad on an AVR or something. So, more stuff to hook up and play with at the hizzy. Speakers out on the porch now and I'm having a good time grilling out. The buds may wanna come over and chill now that there's a vibe and I am a little more confident and jovial.
Couple of years go by and I was able to step into a project management role, more network, more responsibility. Better pay.
Which leads to a bigger budget.
More years!
I am back in a similar position after getting laid off. But it's different now aiming for these big kid jobs...
3 interviews today took a toll on me. 45 rejections since June 4th sigh
Anyways,
If you can stick around, play some video games, crank the hawg (THE PACK REPRESENT) listen to some tunes...
go pull some wires both at the crib and professionally (look up any low voltage places near you, DM me I may know some peeps in your area) you may be able to forge a path.
If not, then why not ride off into the sunset with style? Be a train kid, hitch around, see the world (as much as you can before nature reclaims you)
Who knows what may roll your way. Keep your chin up and stuff
I usually can't finish a comment more than a few lines, it has taken me like 45 minutes to compose this while watching TOS
Dang I can't believe how long this is! 😂😭🤣
What city are you in? Apply to all of the unions that you can find. It doesn't matter if you have experience or not, that's what apprenticeship programs are for.
Let me know where you're located and I'll see if my union (LiUNA) has a spot in the area. If not, I'll get you a list of trades that have union work in your area.
I've been where you are, and it is discouraging. Keep the faith and don't give up.
While I don't relate to your situation entirely, I go through thoughts of suicide or running away occasionally. I have over 100k in debt. I have a Bachelor's degree in game programming and didn't land a job after college, so now I'm working minimum wage cleaning toilets and taking out trash, paying ~900 a month on just loan payments. I also have a $268 car loan payment. Half my income covers loans, if I work full time.
Im also in a lucky position. I don't have rent, but I do pay all the bills, and property tax. I have a car still. I have my own place still. I can still work, and get to and from work. There were several times I almost lost my car. And if I did, I would also lose my job because I don't have reliable transportation.
I consider running away at the same times I consider suicide, because I don't want to die, but I don't want to live in my situation either. I think about going on the road and driving around the country, doing things I've never done before. But I am a gamer through and through, I build games for a career I am trying to get into. I also like sleeping in a bed, not on the ground, or having to inflate and deflate an air mattress (which i did for a while).
Do you want to die, or do you not want to be in your current situation? The decision to commit is a binary one, but there are many more options available by not committing, and you get to experience more you would not have previously. There are things I would have never tried if I didn't make it to my current age. Ending my life at any point previously, and I would have missed out.
I still think about suicide or running away when I'm down, or anxious, or depressed. Most recently from bad days at work. But then I consider my options, and ask if running away or suicide is really a better option than just letting the current situation play out.
Try and find things to do or people that put you in a good place. Even while your world is falling apart, try and have fun, within your means. It will help clear your mind of bad thoughts and feelings.
I'm not in your situation, but I've been living with suicidal ideation for most of my life so I get the feeling on that front.
I can't say what will help you, but I know mushrooms was practically a miracle for me. I hate the trip, and since I usually take them when I'm feeling low it's not a good set/setting. But science says the trip quality has no effect on the ability to treat depression. What it does is give you some neuroplasticity, and that a godsend when you're stuck in these loops of dark thought. I usually don't have ANY suicidal ideation for MONTHS after taking shrooms, and even though the situation I'm in at the time sucks, I feel like a new person again. I come out of the trip with the energy and creativity I need to make the best of the situation and make some progress in my life, without constantly being ground down by hopeless thoughts.
There is a lot of science behind it too I'll add a few links at the end. If you do try it, do it during the day, nature is always good, you'll likely get nauseous and gravol or pot can help with that with some impact on the experience. Some people throw up during come up and report euphoria after so it's not all bad if you don't take anything. Try to get an open minded or experienced friend to trip sit if it's possible at all. There is also a playlist put together by researchers at John Hopkins on spotify to do psychedelic research that I find helps guide the trip. https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7aVExA8Lb72NFNbRBZfJLJ
Normally I wouldn't recommend for a stranger to try psychedelics, but in this case, of you feel like you have nothing left to lose then you could have a lot to gain.
Whatever path you take, your life is worth living even if it doesn't feel like it now. Just being transgender these days shows you have taken on bigger challenges than this and come out ahead, regardless of any setbacks you'll run into. Just the information in this post shows you have a lot of life in you that's currently being expressed as anger and frustration and a desire to leave a mark in the world. Life has a lot of pain, but you obviously have the spirit to find happiness in it too.
I wish you luck and the good, long life you deserve.