[CW: depression] What the fuck am I doing with my life?

Basically title. Ever since my father died when I was at the young age of 9, my life has been on a downward trajectory. I got bullied at my middle school. I contracted some unknown disease related to my stomach which manifests itself through taking my energy away and making me depressed (also a lot of growling, gasses, diarrhea cuz of nervousness when I went to school and had an exam etc.). Of course the healthcare system in my third world prison has no idea what the fuck is going on. I tried both private and public healthcare, and both of them basically told me to fuck off.

Then after that, because I at the time lived with my grandma, and she got some unknown virus that caused her liver to shut down, even though she made it in the end, I was still forced to relocate to my mom and stepdad's house. This probably was the worst period of my life, mainly because of this asshole. First off, he didn't physically assault me, at least not until the very end. No, he instead constantly kept arguing with me about absurd conspiracy theories, even forcing me to stay late into the night, even though I had school early in the morning. Like, it got so bad, I kept avoiding eye contact with him at all costs, lest I wanted to trigger an unskippable NPC cutscene, filled with gay lobbies and anti-vax nonsense. Then he gradually started restricting stuff like the PC, not because I did anything bad, but because I correctly pointed out that no, warmups wouldn't have made a difference in my ankle sprain when I landed awkwardly. At the end he pushed me because of some stupid lie I made up so I wouldn't have to talk with him, causing me to start planning to get out of there as soon as I can.

And I ended up doing so, in fact, I went out with style, as I was going to first celebrate New Year's eve with my friends in the capital city, and only then would I relocate to my old home. That was, in the last 10 years, probably the only point where I thought I might actually be able to have a normal life, friends, a girlfriend, confidence in myself and maybe even figure out what the fuck was happening in my guts. But of course, If that did happen, I wouldn't be writing this story now, would I? So of course after about 2-3 months of me arriving from that trip and back home, I get into a spat with my friends because of, as Tony Soprano would say, "normal teenage shit". I didn't do so well being on alcohol the last 2 times we went out, so they thought I couldn't control myself and whatnot (completely ignoring the 2 other times where I was completely fine). We make up in the end, but they basically ice me out of the friend group, giving me no choice but to cut them off completely.

And so, here we are. After all that I really was already starting to feel pretty fucked up. No father, health, friends etc. But what really got me deep in depressing thoughts was the fact I was basically forced to enroll in some dipshit local college, which I was pretty much SPECIFICALLY trying to avoid. I simply can't fucking stand going to this same fucking town for 4 more fucking years after high school. It's like, at this point I have nothing to cling on to. Even my education, where I was pretty much a straight A (except we grade with numbers 1-5, so a 5) student throughout, which I thought would give me at least some form of agency over my life, has proven to be completely useless due to some bullshit, random factors outside my control.

TL:DR - I'm not really sure what to do. At this point, I just want someone to talk to, and not exactly some reactionary lib morons from . Basically, in my rural area, there really aren't any jobs except seasonal ones. So I would really like some help in that sense, especially in tech, since I'm already pretty deep in and I use linux pretty much everywhere (also reading Linux for beginners, but goddamn if I didn't start it like 3 times and never finished it, at least I kept notes last time so I can just catch up). Any help is sincerely appreciated.