Ah, alright then. Thanks for all the help

Oh no, I definitely am in my own head, but yeah, I doubt that college is gonna work out anymore. As i said, it's obviously not the sole culprit, but it is the straw that broke the camels back. The college is pretty much an "upgraded" high school (but not really because my high school was actually better equipped with pcs and whatnot lol). Like I'm just fucking tired of all this shit. This country, these people, village, toxic and reactionary culture and environment etc. Since I have social anxiety it's honestly pretty hard to approach people anyways, and even if I do, there is pretty much zero stuff of note (for me), to talk about. I just feel like most of these people are shallow, don't really have their own opinions about anything, and are far away from actually discussing any real politics or really anything substantive. Maybe it's different in the west, but here people really love to have this kind of small talk where it feels like neither person is really interested in whatever the other person has to say. Stuff like asking you where you've been, who you've seen, if you've been going out to party or drink or have sex or whatever. Throw in rumors around your general family and social circle and boom, that's how 95% of conversations go here.

I mean at this point, I have only about 2 people whom I could honestly even consider friends. One guy is just the kind of classic, mostly shallow guy who just kind of nods his head along to everything I say, whom I mostly hang out with in cafes and such just to pass the time and whatnot. The other is an actually somewhat intelligent dude who, despite being kind of a religious reactionary at certain times (the classic behaviour here), is honestly pretty open to differing opinions and whatnot, and I can actually have a dialogue with him instead of just talking to the walls. But even with him, we don't really hang out in our village, but rather when me and him both travel to the town via bus. I mean, he also has his own problems (living with his father who is divorced, also now without a job), so I completely understand that he might not have the time for me. But at the end of the day, I really couldn't open up about anything in my personal life like I did in this post because I simply don't fucking trust anyone (probably the result of all the bullying and verbal abuse I've experienced in my life). Also, when I did open up that one time with the friend I ended up severing ties with, he told me: "Well maybe it's just that you think you have it the worst". Like, yeah, thank you for trying to trivialize my mental and physical anguish in my most vulnerable state you idiotic fuckwad.

Thank you. I doubt I can really do that since my languages isn't really all that big, but I'll explore the option.

Do you have any tech community recommendations? Ideally ones dealing with certs and stuff, since I'm excluding that whole college option (which would limit me to this country anyway), that's really the only way forward that I can see in advancing my career.

Oh I think you missed it, I am using linux concurrently, I'm just reading up about new commands and ways to expand upon that knowledge. In fact, rn I'm writing this from an Arch laptop using a tiling wm, whereas on my PC I have another Arch on my SSD (mostly used for gaming and whatnot) and Gentoo on my hard drive (don't really use this one too much, probably because I fucked up something with the new e-profiles or whatever so now it's just refusing to update, I tried some things initially to fix it, but got bored and )

Anyway, can you shoot me a dm about that data rater or whatever? Never heard of it, and ideally, If I can get 400-500$/month, that's more than enough to survive right now. I honestly just wanna join some tech communities or something since I am really lacking in any real connections right now, especially in terms of trying to get a job.

You have any specific reccs?

I also thought moving out of my small town would give me a fresh start and allow me to finally live a normal life... which never really happened either.

I mean, honestly, I feel like this is really best summed up by a certain GOT scene if you've ever watched it

And that's how I feel. Just let me make my own mistakes. My own decisions. Instead of practically locking me up in this rural hellhole with absolutely 0 prospects for the future.

Oh, I though the 2 eggs gave it away, since it's became pretty much a Marie Antoinette moment over here.

But yeah, there is unfortunately a culture of mostly staying with your parents here. Like, some people literally live with them their whole lives. At least I'm pretty young so I will probably make it out at some point.

I really haven't tbh. It is a problem though that here, everything is gluten and meat. But I'll see what I can do.

Also, you're at least more helpful than these fucking docs here. Some old boomer hag literally told me when I attempted to find out what in the hell was going on: "Oh, you're just sitting at your computer too much". Like yeah, I'm sure that's what it is lol. Now I don't really know much about medicine either, but I absolutely refuse to believe there is any credence whatsoever to that fucking statement.

I hope you come to begrudgingly enjoy it like I did.

Well I doubt that. I mean ultimately even though this school sucks (like, half the pcs not working or having either a mouse or keyboard when the assignment is supposed to be done on them type of sucks), I think ultimately my quite apparent hatred for the college stems from the accumulation of all of the factors of the above, and also the fact that I gave all this effort for, in the end, pretty much fuck all. Like, I can't tell you how many times I stressed myself out over some of these fucking exams and grades, striving to get the best result every time, only to in the end realize that I could have landed in the same spot with half the effort. Literally would've been the same result if I just gave half the effort. In the end, I feel like I'm just refusing to play this fucking game. If I'm gonna do anything, it's gonna be alone, of my own volition at this point.

You're maybe in the USA so this might not be helpful, but you could have a look into free / accessible mental health care for younger people where you live

Yeah, no. As I already said in another comment, Eastern Europe, and mental healthcare is pretty much non-existent over here. Maybe in the capital, but again, don't really have the logistics for that.

Oh yes my friend. Judging from the fact you guessed that, you're probably from my or one of the near by countries lol

Oh for sure, shoot me a dm, although it's literally in the morning at this point for me, so I'll probably respond some time later.

Theres no where else to go but up.

I guess so

Let me ask, do you make your own food? Do you eat out a lot?

Well I am living with my grandma currently again, so she mostly cooks something up for lunch. As for breakfast and dinner, I mostly make sandwiches or just chop up some processed meat or whatever. I guess if you're asking about the health issues, not much can really change in terms of food I'd say rn. I mean 1 of our ministers literally said that you can survive on 2 eggs for the whole day, just absolute fucking madness here.