Is it a reasonable expectation to check peoples profiles when commenting on their comments to ensure I am pronouning them correctly?

You weren't misgendering; you were meming. Modifying one part of "the man, the myth, the X" to adapt it to the situation is fine and good, but when you start swapping out too much of it ("the X, the myth, the Y" -- or worse, "the X, the Y, the Z") you lose the reference.

Usually when I make a mistake while trying to act in good faith, I apologize. Posting about the interaction without apology and flashing names of non-mods involved is not the way to correct your mistake, nor to garner sympathy.

Doesn’t really matter here. The saying is “the man, the myth, the legend”. If you go changing every part of it you might as well have not said anything at all because it won’t make any sense.

I'm probably a bit further to the right than most on the fediverse with this opinion but...

I think, once you have been informed of someone's pronouns, it's flat out rude to not use them. I don't know if it's a banning issue but that's for the moderators on your instance to decide or the instance the community is on. Even if you don't agree with someone's lifestyle, it's just polite to address people the way they'd like to be addressed.

But surely there's a difference between intentional misuse and accidental. I think banning someone for not looking up someone's pronouns before a public interaction seems like pushing things a bit far here. I certainly am not checking such things. But, then in general when online I will use gender neutral wording because frankly, for online interactions someone's rarely information that matters for the interaction. I don't really need to know.

My view is, I think it is almost always clear when someone is being malicious and thus transphobic and when someone makes an honest mistake/did not know better. We, as a whole, really should be differentiating between obviously malicious and non-malicious cases.

If somebody corrects you about gender, just say woops, correct yourself, and move on. It's an honest mistake, a simple fix, and nobody should be offended. Especially online. If they are still offended, it's because they want to be.

I don’t think it’s necessary to check every profile for potential pitfalls when interacting with them. But honestly, in this case there is an obvious transgender flag in the profile name that should make you at least question your first assumption.

Rule #21 of the internet: everyone is a guy

Addition 1: every women is actually a guy

Addition 2: every kid is an 18+ guy

Addition 3: little girls are FBI Agents

Just stop using gender specific pronouns at all. Makes things much simpler

I think you shouldn't assume everyone on the internet to be a man. It is misogynistic. I don't think there would be anything wrong with e.g. referring gender neutrally to someone who turns out to be a woman because you didn't check her profile which says she's a woman, but it is annoying to see people assume everyone on the internet to be male. I've especially experienced this in more techy communities which definitely seems like sexist stereotyping to me.

Girl, you're good. It's all a simulation.

What app do you use? Last I checked, pronouns are part of display names for Hexbear users. You shouldn’t have to check profiles. That’s the whole point of them being included in display names. Your app would ideally just respect display names and it would require no extra effort on your part to gender people correctly.

You are supposed to do deep research on the person you're commenting to....

I barely even read usernames, plus Voyager App doesn't show profile bios, so even if I wanted to check their profile I can't and I'm sure as fuck not using the mobile website to get the information.

I'm not even interested in the username of the person I'm responding to. I tend to ignore it completely unless there's a comment like "lol, username checks out".

There are very few times I will bother to check someones profile. They have to either say something so awesome that I want to see more, or have given a take so hot I want to see if they're trolling or if this is standard behaviour for them.

While it looks like the whole Jerboa/"miscommunication" thing has been sorted out here I want to chime in to say that no, I don't think that checking profiles for anything is a reasonable expectation.

No.

I'm pretty apathetic to gender in general but I've had gender confirming surgery to be NB which I guess technically makes me trans and to be prefectly honest I've never felt more judged for it than by the lemmy LGBTQ+ community. The 50y/o southern man that was my nursing supervisor back when I was a new graduate was more respectful of my gender and lived experiences than these people. Honestly the thing they seem to hate most is specifically me expressing apathy for gender; I've mentioned that my transness expresses itself by not caring about the whole pronoun thing or needing to have any specific pronouns for myself personally, but that I understand it's a matter of respect for others and I've literally gotten banned for saying that. Like almost exactly that. They're absolutely hateful bastards for no reason other than that they're upset and need everybody else to be upset too. I'm lucky I have a handful of supportive people irl because I sure asf wasn't gonna find it here!

It's reasonable, especially if they got a trans flag in their name. But even if not, it's one click and a swipe back.

Using a client that shows the pronouns in hexbear is good and it sounds like you are doing that now.

As a follow up, I recommend approaching gender just as one would if they were bring mindful with new people. If you don't know pronouns, using they/them is a fine way to start referring to someone neutrally. You can also just use their name. It is considerate to then figure out what they prefer in a non-awkward way, either by how others talk or by just asking them nicely. Having pronouns displayed by names is just helpful for clarity and speeding things up online.

I never check usernames or comments. It is about the conversation at hand.

I assume sone people are sensitive of pronouns if they have transitioned or altered their pronouns, but simple catch phrases should not get you banned--if it was clearly not harrassment.

I try to be cautious of gendering and use they/them when possible, but also i feel individual people need to realize the world does not revolve around just them as an egocentric bubble, and sometime shit happens and you have to deal with your feelings about it, and either A) ask for what you need, or B) move on. Having mods protect your feelings for a perceived slight does not prepare you for the outside world of actual interaction with humans.

Again, anyone please don't take this as condoning purposeful harassment, bullying of those not in the boomer view of gender. I grew up as a cismale that did not follow the normal idea of what a boy or man is. I was the artsy, poetry type that had mostly female friends. This caused toxic males to label me gay. Cuz gay to hang out with women, LOL.

On a funny note my as a bearded man standing at the pharmacy counter, my pharmaciat called me "Sir Or Madame" as one phrase. They clearly had just taken a course on inclusivity, or have something in them that made them respond per the exact script corporate presented. There wasn't even a need to address me with an honorific, they could have just said Next, or I can help you now.

I generally just use gender neutral language. I would check the person's bio before using a phrase like that tho, especially if they have a trans flag emoji in their name

That being said, getting banned/restricted for that comment alone seems a bit extreme to me tho

yes, it takes 2 seconds and minimal effort.

No, if they want to be gendered appropriately, they should have it in their username.

I personally try to avoid gendered language, but if I do use it, I tend to check their profile-bio :)

Nah it can’t be expected

Pronoun police will get ya.

I know that for some people it's quite a struggle. Whether it is their focus, lazyness, energy levels, unwillingness during their toilet time or something else.

So, I'd say no. That's part of why I usually just go for they/them. Just like when you don't know someone's pronouns irl

Just be more careful with gendered language. Also, the trans flag was right there

If they don't list their pronouns and i can't tell by their speech i just go neutral. Checking profiles for gender is definitely not considered necessary in the circles i run in. If poster doesn't make it clear and doesn't have pronouns listed honest mistakes will be made and forgiven

Just stop giving a fuck, there's a metric shitton of crazies doing janny work, it's unpaid and very unsatisfying. If they ban you, it's either their instance's loss or nobody's. The account costs nothing because it's worth next to nothing. I don't even need the links that I myself post and the others' I can see even if they ban my account. This is a shitpile, it being in the fediverse doesn't make it less of a shitpile.

That's a pretty reasonable misunderstanding, I don't speak for anyone but myself but generally as long as there's no malice involved I'm not upset by an accidental misgendering.

I'm on jerboa too and didn't even know there were specific pronouns on accounts, I just chucked mine in my bio.

Its an honest mistake and I think if you appealed the ban you'd have a good case for it, however as you now know that's the trans flag you can be more mindful in future :)

Uh, yes, but its a mutual misunderstanding from both sides...

i would block all those people and move forward with my life

Generally I wouldn't take that kind of thing too seriously from hexbears they love conflict and actively seek it out

No, it shouldn't necessarily be an expectation to check. However, if you don't then I think it's a reasonable expectation to not gender someone one way or another unless you do know or are corrected, using they/them and other neutral ways of referring to someone like person etc is the best idea if you can't or don't feel up to checking.

when unsure or lazy i use they/them

I just checked the apps I use, and sync shows display names properly.

Sometimes moderation is ridiculous. More “zealous” moderation teams just strike everyone relentlessly. Usually the kind of people that make boomers label every young people as snowflakes

Back when I was on Reddit, on the LTT subreddit, I started reading rumours that formerly known as Anthony (I am here meming with the whole X ordeal), had transitioned into Emily, and I checked the website sorta confused. I thought it was just a mistake or a joke until I saw it actually confirmed. So I did that whole party meme with me at the corner not realising that he had transitioned into she, and everyone else already having congratulated her. This got me banned.

Brutally why do you want to be in a community that behaves like that? Banning someone for not using the right pronouns is over the top, but it's there perogative. It does however tell you about that community's approach to things - the assumption seems to be that everything wrong is personal and malicious? It may even be justified based on how people behave there - but if so then that also just means it's a pretty toxic place too and so again, why be there?

Honestly, don't waste your time in a place like that. Take it as a sign to move on. There are plenty of welcoming places in the fediverse.

Tbh honest when online gender is just a myth everyone is just a typing bot no one is actually whatever gender they think they are and stupidly everyone who judged you on those comments is either didn't know the whole point of the Fediverse or has forgotten, because one of the main reasons that founds the whole existence of this place is anonymity from companies earning money selling our data, the fediverse is an escape from the company greed therefore there's no he or she we're all equals here and it's valid to say " the man, the legend.. as it is to say way to go sis.. " as we're all just free anonymous accounts as should be and we need to delete the gender concept maybe starting with using gender neutral terms online until everyone's comfortable with the idea because to be banned or have your account deleted for misgendering another user is just crazy and defeats the whole fediverse concept.

Whatever your thoughts on the original situation, you know her pronouns now, and you've directly reposted the thing that got you banned. This time around, you don't have an excuse. You know that it's an issue, but you didn't anonymise the post, effectively sharing the misgendering with even more people

I uh, I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect people to check others profiles to ensure we are correctly pronouning them

And yet, in that little whine right there, you managed to use the very gender neutral pronoun that would have saved you all this hassle (including the hassle you're making up of having to go and look up the pronouns of every individual you interact with).

So you know it exists, and you know how to use it, but you decided to try and be funny instead, and it backfired.

You misgendered someone, and now have to deal with the most minor of minorest consequences for harm you caused to another.

You are still free to create 100 different accounts on 100 different instances, just not the one where you broke the rules. No one owes you a platform, deal with it.

Your choice now is to double down and make it worse, or you can be an adult, admit you made a mistake, and learn from it for the future so you don't repeat it.

I dare to say you have already chosen, but feel free to prove me wrong.