Should I get financial help from an emotionally and physically abusive family member?
Should I get financial help from an emotionally and physically abusive family member?
I have a question for lemmy since it's comprised of mostly extremely intelligent linux users.
I am poor and supposedly have a particular mental health issue according to many doctors.
I was previously on disability and started working and when I did, I was hit with a huge amount of back taxes and penalties and fees and I was unable to save up anything.
Something bad happened this past year and as a result of this stress and constant ongoing extreme financial stress, I am now having some symptoms. I also work remotely and can't afford to work remotely because of the aggressive tax collection, since housing and utilities are needed for remote work. If the tax collectors had left me with more money to pay for basic bills and medical care, I probably could have kept working, but the agent handling my case is uncompromising and doesn't care if I don't have enough money for medical care. I also make just barely too much at my job to qualify for need-based aid with my situation, which all follow government guidelines that don't take into account government withholdings. I am not yet evicted, but on track for that and am behind on many bills including rent.
My symptoms now are pretty bad and I have to make plans to reduce expenses and go back on disability. I am having problems working on some days, even when I want to, due to extreme depression, which may have ended up happening even without the tax collectors extreme tactics. I have an offer of some financial help by a family member who on rare occasion was physically and emotionally abusive, but it may involved staying nearby. I probably would not speak with this person at all but for my poverty.
I am also afraid if I accept this help and have this family member in my life, they will somehow become involved in my disability care and be controlling or demanding conservatorship power. I have no records of the extraordinarily infrequent physical abuse, nor do I wish to disclose that in a clinical setting with possibly religious prejudiced zealot clincians who already dislike me, nor would I likely be believed. This person is also old and likely to die within 5 years if not within a year and on some level I feel guilty about not seeing them, but also feel like having this person in my life would show a lack of self-respect.
If I do anything right now to ruin my credit score, I may be stuck where I am, in a higher cost area that I can't easily afford with only mild job security and no savings, which is precarious.
This is a particularly difficult situation to give advice on because it could be totally harmless or completely dangerous, depending on the details.
You’re probably best talking to a therapist or other highly trusted individual who knows the specifics of the situation instead of random internet strangers.
I dont think they have the money for a therapist.
This person is also old and likely to die within 5 years if not within a year and on some level I feel guilty about not seeing them,
Above all else: please stop feeling guilty.
I am serious with "above all else". This is even more important than money.
but also feel like having this person in my life would show a lack of self-respect.
Not sure what this means. If it is another way of making you feel guilty, then avoid it.
It is OK to take money from this person if you can do so without giving him any kind of power over you.
I'm not sure what country you're in - in the UK there is a charity called "Citizens Advice" which, as the name suggests, can help you with legal, financial, and housing issues. They aren't a type of benefit, but they know the law and your rights and will give correct advice and provide advocacy and support if required, is there anything equivalent to this where you live?
Can we break this situation down a bit?
Re: income: You're earning just a little too much for government aid: if you got government aid, would that aid offset the loss of income? Like, if you were earning $100 less a month but got $400 in assistance, I'd say it was worth it. Take a look at the numbers. If it's worth it, talk with your boss and see if you can get either your hours or your pay cut slightly enough to qualify for government assistance.
Re: the taxes: in my experience, every government process (including tax collection) has an appeal process. You say your agent is relentless and merciless; get in touch with their supervisor, figure out the appeal process. Unless this is a private company, there should be a way to put this on hold; the issue is finding it. It's a slow season right now; it might be worth it to contact a tax attorney and ask for some free advice.
Re: expenses: Check with your county social services office. A lot of places have programs to possibly help with utilities, like the HEAT program. Unfortunately, some states are significantly more generous with support than others, but it may be worthwhile. Also look into local charities that may be able to help with some kind of expense. Even if it's not the expense you were looking for help with, any kind of expense-savings is good.
Re: mental health services: check your local universities and colleges to see if any of them offer advanced degrees (Master's/PhD) in psychotherapy, psychology, sociology, social work, or related fields. For those that do, check if they have a community counseling program (they may or may not). If they do, contact them and see if they'll accept you as a patient; they might, they might not, or they could put you on a waiting list. They'll also often have sliding scale payments for therapy, like $10 or $15 a session. Yes, it'll be another expense, but it'll be helpful documentation for your disability claim.
If you can't find anything locally, try farther away; most places started allowing online sessions during the pandemic, and some of them still allow it.
I think you need a lawyer and/or someone to check your finances. All the things with the back taxes, penalties and fees don't sound right, someone needs to do the maths on that and see if you get ripped off. Or if you should somehow change tactics. Do you have any other friends or family in your life? Or some intelligent people to ask who to ask? I guess sometimes there also is some help groups for disabled people / people with depression available. Or organizations/charities who can help, ether with finances or interacting with the government, hopefully pro bono.