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Transfem @lemmy.blahaj.zone
Gebruikersnaam @lemmy.ml

how do you know?

I'm not sure whether this is the right place for this question, but... How do you know?

Like, I would 100% be a woman if I could choose. I also always play a female character in games. When I see a girl I feel a strong sexual attraction, but I also feel jealous of her.

But, I'm honestly not sure if I am not cisgendered. I feel like I missed the boat. I also don't know if I am sure enough. Is this impostor syndrome? How do I know it's not just sexual attraction? Or me being unhappy with the role men have in this world? Or me being depressed otherwise? It all seems like a big tangled mess.

Thanks a lot for all the comments. I made an appointment with my GP next week and hope that he can refer me to a therapist. All the best to you all <3

49 comments

  • Cisgender people basically don't ever think about being the opposite gender. The fact that you're even questioning is practically guaranteed that you're at least some level of transgender. Whether or not it's bothering you enough to pursue it is something that you have to figure out for yourself unfortunately. It will all come down to how badly you want it, how accepting your friends and family are, and how accepting the society you live in is or how much you're willing to put up with from society at large.

    • Yeah, I was wondering if people did. Reactions is what is part of what scares me to even find out though. Seeing how brave others are on here though certainlh helps.

      • I think at least when it comes to you deciding if you are or aren't transgender just in your own head, I would consider a perfect scenario where everyone is 100% accepting and you'll face absolutely no challenges as a result of transitioning. But once you've decided whether you are or aren't transgender then I would start considering your options and what you're comfortable with. Just because you're transgender that doesn't necessarily mean that you need to transition. Just knowing that in your own head or disclosing it to people you trust can be enough for some people.

      • My limited experience talking to people who I don't think would lie about it suggests to me men don't generally think about it. And according to at least one comment I saw on this topic, someone mentioned how some femboys have never considered the idea.

        Like, my brother can be GNC at times, but like he like being a GNC man. Even when I asked him to consider if he could have a matrix-like VR experience what type of body would he want, he thought the idea of having a feminine body seemed fun, but he still wanted to be a man and just thought trolling could be fun.

        My cousin consistently plays stereotypical male characters in video games and cares about how they look.

        My best friend similarly always plays a male character and seems proud about how their character presents. And has teased me for sometimes making a girl character (in one case, I suppose it was more making fun of me using a feminized version of my own name for the character... that was a decade before I considered I might not be entirely cis).

    • I would assume that anyone negatively affected by sexism / gender roles (nearly everyone) has thought about being a different gender.

      • I assumed "thought about being a different gender" in this context meant "actively desiring it irrespective of negative impacts of sexism and gender roles." Such that, even if one could magically take away those negative impacts, the desire would remain.

        For what it's worth I (cis, a man) have felt less than a man on occasion and have always been more of the quiet, sensitive, bookish type. Sure, I have pondered being another gender briefly here or there -- as a thought experiment or trying to empathize, perhaps -- but I have never seriously wanted to trade being a man for any reason. I want to stay how I am, actually.

        Hopefully this is helpful to some.

      • There are quite a few mainstream series and movies that touched upon the subject (albeit mostly poorly). So in that regard most people will have at least thought about it once. Probably not for long though.

  • I would 100% be a woman if I could choose

    you can choose.

    so, you 100% are a woman

    problem solved by logic

    :3

  • There's no one easy way that works for everyone to be sure. You have to find your own answer. Being trans isn't an externally measurable truth, it's something only you can ever know. I knew after I transitioned and then briefly detransitioned. The 2 months I spent off hormones was almost 6 years ago. I've never once regretted retransitioning. I didn't know for sure, I took 2 months off hormones and using my deadname, and it was never a question for me again. The pain I felt every time I heard that name told me everything I needed to know. But for me thats what it took to be sure. Self doubt lingered for me even after starting HRT and changing my name and pronouns.

    But thats only me, and everyone has their own unique experiences of self-acceptance. You have to introspect. Open yourself to the possibility that you're not cisgender, and ask yourself what it is you really want to be, who you really want to be to yourself and to everyone else. Try using different pronouns. Try going by a different name. Dress differently, do things you want to do but have always felt like you couldn't. Play with your expression and presentation. Do things that make you feel great, and things that make you feel great about yourself.

    • Experimentation does sound like a good next step (in addition to finding a therapist). I think I was too internally blocked to even consider experimenting with these things.

  • What do you mean by "I feel like I missed the boat"?

    • In the sense that maybe I'm too old and are past some point of no return. Probably not a very constructive thought.

      • I thought that's what you meant. We've all had those

      • In the sense that maybe I’m too old and are past some point of no return.

      • I'm 34 and have never looked or felt better in my life because I finally got my hormones like a year ago. I am thriving because I am me. I know that's not terribly old, but you get my point. I can't tell you who you are, but it's only too late if you're dead. Whoever you are, be that person now.

  • TL;DR: I have no idea, but I too struggle with the conflicted feelings you mention.

    I apologize if the following is a long ramble, but I’m currently dealing with very similar circumstances. I also prefer female protagonists out of a combination of attraction and envy. If I had a magic potion I could drink that would turn me into my ideal (unrealistic) female form then I’d take it without a second thought.

    However, it’s unclear to me if I actually want to be a woman, or if I really just don’t want to be me. I’ve always been more traditionally feminine than masculine (naturally quiet, verbal rather than physical, tend to socialize better with girls/women, etc.), but that has also contributed social pressures that made me feel like I wasn’t a “real man.” Do I not feel like a man because I identify better as a woman? Or do I not feel like a man because so many people have mocked me throughout my life and made me feel like I can’t be a man?

    I’m working with a therapist now on the many mental health issues I’ve had, and I highly recommend looking into therapy if you haven’t already. In my case, my therapist has voiced a tentative opinion that, what at first felt to me to be a desire to be a woman, has been me conflating my own identity with my unrestrained sexual desires and fetishes. Put simply, I was extremely isolated for so long with nothing to give me purpose or definition except for the the media I consumed. The idea of a young, beautiful, kind, powerful, sexually liberated woman was both the height of my sexual desire and the height of my personal aspirations. That (unrealistic) archetype was a fantasy that took on a life of its own in my mind and became a part of my personality over the course of approx. 20 years.

    I hope that we, and the countless other people suffering, can come to better understand ourselves. I hope for a future where we can feel happy and proud of ourselves, regardless of what form or gender identity we are or will become.

    • In my case, my therapist has voiced a tentative opinion that, what at first felt to me to be a desire to be a woman, has been me conflating my own identity with my unrestrained sexual desires and fetishes

      This is a huge red flag. That right there is straight from anti trans conversion therapy tactics.

      A therapist should not be telling you who you are or who you aren't, they should be helping you find yourself. And that there is not helping you find yourself, it's taking someone struggling to find themselves and then pushing them in a certain direction.

      If you are trans, all you will get from following that path is pain and anguish, because nothing will ever feel right about pretending you're not.

      If I were you, I would ask your therapist something like this. Now that you've explored the possibility that you're not trans, and what that might mean, and how you arrived there, how about you explore the possibility that you might be trans, and see where that exploration leads you.

      If they push back, and refuse to consider anything like that as an option, or if they allow it, but start loading the conversation with negative stereotypes about being trans and comparing it to a fetish, then you need to get away from that therapist for your own well being.

      You might be trans, you might not be, but you need to find a therapist who is open to helping you find that answer, not a therapist that thinks they already have the answer and is trying to push you down that path. Make sure therapist is the former, not the latter.

    • Exactly! I would consider myself a fairly manly man. I was into bodybuilding for a while and it still shows. I also empathise with your struggle with sexual desire. It is something I have, and still struggle with too. Good that you found a therapist and best wishes for the future!

    • I think you should bear in mind that being transgender doesn't necessarily mean full on female or full on male if you don't want it to. There are non-binary options. Completely non-binary where you don't subscribe to any gender norm - not male, not female, and there is a spectrum of transfemme (non-binary but femme leaning) and transmasc (non-binary but masc learning) and you might find yourself anywhere on there.

      Also being transgender doesn't mean you necessarily have to do anything about it. Just having a label to call yourself might make you feel more comfortable in your own skin, and help you to describe yourself to others. Hormones and surgery are just there as options for transgender people, but they aren't necessary.

49 comments