22h ago

Email I got from Elon last night

Elon, aka Office of Personnel Management, aka S.H.I.T.H.E.A.D.:

We encourage you to find a job in the private sector as soon as you would like to do so. The way to greater American prosperity is encouraging people to move from lower productivity jobs in the public sector to higher productivity jobs in the private sector.

Damn dude, this is so awesome, I’ve literally never been tied to this fuck through even consumption and now I have him pulling on my chains, at the best possible time

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I was shooting heroin and reading “The Fountainhead” in the front seat of my privately owned police cruiser when a call came in. I put a quarter in the radio to activate it. It was the chief.
“Bad news, detective. We got a situation.”
“What? Is the mayor trying to ban trans fats again?”
“Worse. Somebody just stole four hundred and forty-seven million dollars’ worth of bitcoins.”
The heroin needle practically fell out of my arm. “What kind of monster would do something like that? Bitcoins are the ultimate currency: virtual, anonymous, stateless. They represent true economic freedom, not subject to arbitrary manipulation by any government. Do we have any leads?”
“Not yet. But mark my words: we’re going to figure out who did this and we’re going to take them down … provided someone pays us a fair market rate to do so.”
“Easy, chief,” I said. “Any rate the market offers is, by definition, fair.”
He laughed. “That’s why you’re the best I got, Lisowski. Now you get out there and find those bitcoins.”
“Don’t worry,” I said. “I’m on it.”
I put a quarter in the siren. Ten minutes later, I was on the scene. It was a normal office building, strangled on all sides by public sidewalks. I hopped over them and went inside.
“Home Depot™ Presents the Police!®” I said, flashing my badge and my gun and a small picture of Ron Paul. “Nobody move unless you want to!” They didn’t.
“Now, which one of you punks is going to pay me to investigate this crime?” No one spoke up.
“Come on,” I said. “Don’t you all understand that the protection of private property is the foundation of all personal liberty?”
It didn’t seem like they did.
“Seriously, guys. Without a strong economic motivator, I’m just going to stand here and not solve this case. Cash is fine, but I prefer being paid in gold bullion or autographed Penn Jillette posters.”
Nothing. These people were stonewalling me. It almost seemed like they didn’t care that a fortune in computer money invented to buy drugs was missing.
I figured I could wait them out. I lit several cigarettes indoors. A pregnant lady coughed, and I told her that secondhand smoke is a myth. Just then, a man in glasses made a break for it.
“Subway™ Eat Fresh and Freeze, Scumbag!®” I yelled.
Too late. He was already out the front door. I went after him.
“Stop right there!” I yelled as I ran. He was faster than me because I always try to avoid stepping on public sidewalks. Our country needs a private-sidewalk voucher system, but, thanks to the incestuous interplay between our corrupt federal government and the public-sidewalk lobby, it will never happen.
I was losing him. “Listen, I’ll pay you to stop!” I yelled. “What would you consider an appropriate price point for stopping? I’ll offer you a thirteenth of an ounce of gold and a gently worn ‘Bob Barr ‘08’ extra-large long-sleeved men’s T-shirt!”
He turned. In his hand was a revolver that the Constitution said he had every right to own. He fired at me and missed. I pulled my own gun, put a quarter in it, and fired back. The bullet lodged in a U.S.P.S. mailbox less than a foot from his head. I shot the mailbox again, on purpose.
“All right, all right!” the man yelled, throwing down his weapon. “I give up, cop! I confess: I took the bitcoins.”
“Why’d you do it?” I asked, as I slapped a pair of Oikos™ Greek Yogurt Presents Handcuffs® on the guy.
“Because I was afraid.”
“Afraid?”
“Afraid of an economic future free from the pernicious meddling of central bankers,” he said. “I’m a central banker.”
I wanted to coldcock the guy. Years ago, a central banker killed my partner. Instead, I shook my head.
“Let this be a message to all your central-banker friends out on the street,” I said. “No matter how many bitcoins you steal, you’ll never take away the dream of an open society based on the principles of personal and economic freedom.”
He nodded, because he knew I was right. Then he swiped his credit card to pay me for arresting him.
- This is brilliant. I gotta say I was expecting a recurring joke where they keep mentioning how much Bitcoin was stolen and every time the amount fluctuates wildly
  
  The bit is from a decade ago. I'm not sure the volatility had arrived/was obvious yet.
  
  Damn, that's really funny. Maybe the original copypasta needs a sequel. BTC was worth like tenbux when this was originally written.
  Might suggest the idea to a writer friend if you don't object.
- Dude, this is awesome. If I could I would pay you half a Dogecoin and a worn Che Guevara shirt. Alas, have my upbear.

having worked inside public institutions with leadership attempting to implement rapid austerity, these messages--while rage inducing--are functionally worthless. they are meant to unsettle workers and pressure them into believing the narrative. I see these moves as desperation plays, the hail Mary on 1st and 10 betraying their complete lack of a strategy. and the real value in them is being able to confirm the identity of compradors/careerists who are on board with the new bosses.
something I keep close to my heart in contexts like that is that leadership is NOT a role. it is an ability. in a situation like this, the people at the top don't know shit about fuck. they certainly aren't leaders. they are just clumsy animals banging on the walls trying to be disruptive of the public goods factory. the defense is the same defense against them in the private sector: don't do what they want. don't accept what they peddle. quietly undermine them at every turn. bosses aren't institutions. workers are the institutions. workers have the real power, and they loathe us for it.
instead, focus on providing value to the stakeholders that deserve it, half-ass / ignore the leadership directives (not enough to get noticed, but ride that line lol), and keep delivering on your personal, idealized version of your institution's mission right up until the day they have to send someone to stop you and remove you specifically. they rarely have that capacity. and unless you are head and shoulders above the average in obvious subterfuge, they can't actually root you out like the naughty weed you are.
when their backs are turned, you are spartacus. when they look at you directly, you're just a numbered cell in a hive so large they find it existentially threatening.
it's all about trying to get us to voluntarily exit the public sector or become toxic/dysfunctional in our roles and degrade public services.
now, obviously there are limits to what you should put up with, but sometimes there's a perverse joy in fucking with the bosses by doing a good job in a way they don't want but can't complain about.
- I think you’re absolutely right, that they’re desperate and floundering.
  But on the other hand I think of Milei and how he gutted, like, 60% of the Argentine government in less than a year.

The private sector can suck my dick. I’m not grinding my ass off for the sake of a bunch of upper management perverts and dimwit shareholders. Working at the Post Office kind of sucks, but at least I know there’s the pretense of being useful to the community first and foremost.
- Working at the Post Office kind of sucks, but at least I know there’s the pretense of being useful to the community first and foremost.
  A fellow mailperson
  
  It is nice to provide some kind of utility. Although I feel more like an arm of ecommerce most of the time… that and a junk mail delivery service lol.
  
  No, listen, you are part of one the most reliable drug distribution networks in history. Your services literally save lives. This is not a bit.
  
  Any day I get a LLV over a Metris is a good one, I'll say that.

This is a prelude to the privatization of federal agencies. Note that the severance payout is until September, which is when the federal budget cycle ends. If the agencies are not staffed adequately in the following cycle, then their services will deteriorate and thus making the way for private takeover. Government contracts will have to be outsourced to private sector.
Honestly the bourgeoisie are simply using the Trump/Musk “downsizing of the government” as excuses to advance their goal of privatizing government agencies.
- Decompose babyyy
- So lile the US civil administration will be done like the military industrial complex?

The US really is doing shock doctrine to itself.
- Foucault's Boomerang Perestroika let's go baby
- Wish I had a couple billion lying around, I could buy some state apparatus or other. Maybe become the rat Czar. Seems like a rad job title.

encouraging people to move from lower productivity jobs in the _____ sector to higher productivity jobs in the _____ sector
Economics pop quiz! Fill in the blanks with the words “private” and “public”!

\ The private sector is inherently wasteful and corrupt. The waste is built in and considered a good thing, it’s called “profit.” Dollars invested to value produced, the public sector wins and it’s not even close.
- I mean the single biggest line item in our discretionary budget is "giveaways to the war profiteers" so there needs to be a caveat for public sector (when not run by absolute demons)
  
  We all know that’s not getting cut and that’s not what Melon is referring to here
- The private sector is so efficient it has several companies making functionally meaningless varieties of the same goods, all having to dance around red tape due to IP laws they lobbied to have instated.
- No, you see, "waste" is any money that doesn't flow upward to fill the pockets of the chosen few. That amount, obviously, must be curtailed.

I haven't been paying attention to the space; heard about the scam buyouts in passing.
I have a feeling some amount of Feds are about to get radicalized. Most will still hold on to their Lib hopes and dreams, but I'd imagine some might have a Coming to Lenin moment.

Wait til yer agency sends out an email saying we fully support the presidents EO on defending women from those stinky trans people. I think today's the deadline on that one
- Holy fuck lmao
  Well, I just received an email from the agency’s undersecretary:
  In furtherance of President Trump’s EO, “Defending Women”, agency has updated its style guide to revise the email signature block and remove the use of personal pronouns.
  What absolute fuckery
  
  So the style guide will also be updated to require everyone to use gender neutral pronouns in written correspondence?
  
  And what if a cis woman wants to put she/her in (cw: pronoun 😱) her email signature??
  This defending women thing really seems to be restricting women.
  
  Time to start misgendering every male in the department on purpose.

screaming from the grave.
- hope the italy trip was worth it fam
  
  did he eat too much pasta and so he died by shitting himself....pasta?

What's awesome /s is seeing so many people jump for joy at all the workers possibly about to lose their job. Bonus points when they can't fathom that federal employees are working class.

Yeah I loved that little fuck you they snuck in there. There’s also a pretty silly typo in the last part of the FAQ. They’re not using the best people.
I love that they talk about productivity… the easiest way that’s measured is via revenue and profit, and someone needs to break it to them that fed govt is mission based and is forbidden by law to make money. There’s no easy way to compare productivity in terms of selling things and productivity of achieving a broad mission, particularly when you factor in constant political meddling and budget restriction.
But of course, all of that’s irrelevant, since the goal here has nothing to do with efficiency or productivity, but just hollowing out the govt so that corruption can flow with greater ease.

i hope someone shoots elon and that he doesnt die but becomes permanently physically injured and loses most of his brain function but retains just enough to realize how much his life sucks now
- loses most of his brain function
  How would we tell?

I don't think they can fire you guys so they are trying to scare you out. Dont blink

ridiculous how much power the President has in the U.S. that unelected not even bureaucrats can do this.
i'm not even saying norms and institutions can't be broken eventually but this shit should take at least a few years

What I want to know is, where are the unions in all this? Unionization rates are high in the public sector, I would think they’d be fighting this shit tooth and nail.
- I’ve been wondering the same thing. Last I heard from my friend who is dealing with this, the union didn’t have a response yet…
  
  What fools, you've had weeks to prepare
- I mean the Janus decision has decimated public union funding that they haven't truly recovered from
  
  I keep getting mailers from some stupid American Freedomburger nonprofit with prefilled postcards to send to the union to get them to stop collecting my dues. One around the holidays had a Janus decision jingle on it. We'll see if they keep sending them or if the "fuck off" scrawled on it under "return to sender" sent the appropriate message.

god bless elon musk on his task of destroying the US

Ancap nation

That's some of the dumbest most redditor type stuff I've ever read. That man is incredible. Just a walking avatar of I can Haz cheezburger ragecomics
I'm so sorry on your behalf.

quick question what has military ever produced? negative productivity leeches, just consuming and consuming
- We need to start framing the military as an inefficient and wasteful cost the same way they frame healthcare.
  "What if the government abuses their free use of the military and they don't really need it?"
  "We don't want to give the Pentagon handouts, they'll become dependent and won't have an incentive to work!"
  "They're just taking they money and using it to buy drugs and alcohol!"
  "Year over year there's no profit, they're always in the red! Spending all this time on indoctrination that they call "training", how hard can it be, just aim and pull the trigger!"
  
  It's already framed that way with 50000 toilets and whatever the fuck, just nobody has the balls of trump and opportunity to say it in debate
- They’re integral to the operation of private enterprise. It may be a sub conscious understanding, but they are very well aware that the “value” produced in the private sector is entirely enabled by the military, so they inherently give it a pass. Plus all the propaganda that makes people feel good and not terrified when an F-16 screams overhead in your city.
- I guess this is the exception to my comment about the public sector being more efficient than the private sector. The military single-handedly dragging those numbers to the opposite end of the scale.
- What’s up with conflating all government workers as intelligence operatives and military personnel?
  
  Plus we all know which parts of the government are absolutely not getting cut by
- Exciting new ways to crash aircraft, if the news is anything to go by

Send him PPB

Sorry comrade, that’s so fucking shitty…
I have a friend who is also getting these types of emails on blast and her department isn’t being very forthcoming about what the realistic expectations should be going forward.
So much uncertainty and fear across pretty much the entirety of the public sector right now… it’s really unsettling.
- Thats gotta be great for productivity and efficiency. -.-

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