crying out into the abyss

I feel ya.

You're not alone, friend. And you're not an alien, either, that I promise you.

You're probably just empathetic and attentive, which makes you an easy target for those who use others to reinforce their own ego, which is... a lot of people nowadays. It's what we're taught, everyone is just a resource to be used and thrown away when depleted, or beaten into shape when it doesn't fit. Otherwise, No. 1's the only one, fuck the rest.

I'm sorry you've been brought to your breaking point, sincerely. But I strongly encourage you to really dig into the source with the hopes that you'll see you're not to blame for how others treat you (unless there are any major disruptive or maladaptive behaviours in play, of course, but I have no idea about your history, nor are any immediately evident in your post).

It's just how things are now. We're all, as a society and as a species, at the breaking point. The world's a hot mess, hate has gained critical mass, huge bigots are grabbing power, and sharks thrive. And you're not a shark. None of us is, but we're taught and pushed to believe otherwise.

Hang in there and keep trying to seek therapy, but don't count on finding it. I'm sorry for the bluntness, but it's the truth. In the meantime, keep reaching out here. Honestly. Even though we're just text on a screen, we're all people behind that (well, most of us), and we can relate.

Again, you really are not alone. We may not be neighbors, but we're with you.

No matter what anyone says, you're worth more than your productivity. And "deserves" is a "spook," as Stirner would say. Everyone deserves nothing and everything, it's always a matter of perspective. Almost everything is, meaning either almost everything is irrelevant opinion, or opinions are relevant and we can/must decide which to have.

Honestly just taking the step to vent, even on the internet can be a lot and is something worthwhile.

Your survival instincts are kicking in, even though you’re dealing with a situation stacked against you. That takes guts.

I’ve been in a situation not unlike yours, and yes you’re facing a lot of unfairness and yes a lot of advice is going to fall flat. I got out by sheer luck. I can only hope you get some opportunity to jump out of the hell you’re going through because it takes a massive toll.

That said, while quiet spite might not change your relationship with the bad people in your life (nothing probably will, while you’re stuck with them at least), it’ll keep you alive. Keep venting, keep finding the tiny escapes and maybe one day one will be big enough to get away from where you are and a bit closer to sanity.

You’re not crazy. It’s not you. I may just be an Internet stranger but you’re seen. Take the time you need to grieve and be angry and cry, and keep fighting for you.

I’m sorry to hear you’re at where you’re at right now. I sincerely hope venting and getting some feedback makes your tomorrow a little bit better.

I grew up with some of the same feelings you have. It took a lot of time and distance to stop inflicting the same mental abuse on myself that others had (and some days it’s still a work in progress). I hope you get there too, someday.

Same

The hardest part about therapy is that when you reach out, you're typically at a very low point where you're feeling you can't take it anymore, etc.

And the you gottaike email, or call, and wait, and schedule shit, and go in, and do intake, and the wait for your second appt to actually talk about shit, and you dump your soul out for a stranger, and like 20% of the time it's a good fit. And if it isn't, you gotta go through it all over again.

Most people just give up on it.

Usually when Im at really low lows, I kinda feel like there's too much pain contributing to how I'm handling my current situation to fully explain and make it all make sense. And that feeling is isolating, and compounding.

But, you really can find a therapist that's a good fit. It can be really challenging and draining. But if you spend a solid year looking for the right fit, it'll pay dividends.

Idk, it's not for everyone, and even all of that is just the "fist step". Only other advice I can offer is, unfortunately, cardio. Go for a hike or a jog, every day. I hate doing it, and I hate even more admitting it's beneficial effects on my shittiest of moods. Especially because it's the last fucking thing I wanna do when I feel shitty.

Good luck holmes.