Unlocking bottom dysphoria

Well, it finally happened to me. Somehow I now feel like crap for having a dick. I knew that at some point I wanted to get bottom surgery, but it hasn't been because I desperately wanted to cut of my dick and felt shit because I still have one, but because I knew I wanted a vagina. Yesterday evening it turned around and now I feel absolutely miserable for still having one. Why does my brain has to make my life even harder than it already is? This type of Dysphoria is kind of a next level. It (at least currently) doesn't really go away and noticing The source of my Dysphoria every time I move is next level crap.