07/12/2023 and 15/12/2023

7/12/2023

To nobody, thin air, and the universe

The motor cortex in the brain activates

yet my mouth stays silent

"Something, get something out

Contribute so that you don't feel like a creep" My heart, screams those words

yet the action feels nothing short of a dream

What do you want me to do? How can I be here, in this world

in this room

where I cannot feel like I belong

My heart believes in me, still it does

I'm alive, that's proof of it

Maybe there's just something not right in me

Why won't the words come out

Maybe I unconsciously know it won't lead to anything

A friend, but one that stays in my mind

I'm trying so hard, I still continue to

feels like I'm eating nothing but failures

You know, when I walk, I see the people as dots

small, black dots

not because I see them as obstacles

but I see myself as one

If someone could tell me they see me

Me trying would mean something I feel like I'm going insane

Because when it rains

I see nothing but tears

"Don't do it now, there are people here"

Not like it matters, I'm not there in the room, even if they see me

"Okay, you're alone now, let it out my friend" All of it saying is my heart

Does it really matter anymore if I give away to my isolation or if I give it my all to socialize

what is the difference? is there any that meets the mere eye?

The very essence of a human being is one to connect

Social animals, as they say

I am one too

but deprived of all the social means that make me a human

Am I even a human anymore?

Why do I exist

I scream and I scream but nobody cares

because nobody is there

I've told this countless times

that I feel like an invisible soul

Like the shore besides the sea

its waves, beautiful crescendo of waves

but alas its midnight

Midnight is every second for me

Maybe I should be trying harder

I just don't know what to do

for now I lay in the bed, alone in my room

as my heart soothes me with tunes

and tells me that it is too soon

"When the time comes, so shall your fortune" Empty words don't have empty meanings

the meaning is simply that the heart has given up too

15/12/2023

It matters how if I read today or tomorrow Won't change the world, nor my sorrow Give me happiness, and my love you can borrow

A world of snakes is all it is A few who're not also don't exist Come in my life and I'll believe your will

Happy friends is all it takes For me to stay awake for just this time, to let me say that I won't die, and to mean it this time Because I can be saved by you if I tried anyway But you, my love exist so far and you, my friend don't exist at all So what's the point besides the fall I won't be saved by the time you call

Knife, roof, or pills you choose and I'll oblige until Until you face my eyes and slap my face for even trying to think of this as a waste

but you aren't here, and you aren't there you are a screen who I just fear won't come true and I'll just sear over the skies waiting

not you I blame but if at least if I had others like yourself to keep me sane someone who would come by the lane when it rains, no raincoat but only us to blame getting wet as we laugh away the pains it is all in my head and like everything that is this is also to go in vain

so again, I repeat, pills, roof, or knife so that I can not submit to this life "none" you would say and I'll continue this strife

When will it forever end, I've chanted since the beginning I fear it has already made its way to the past I keep repeating and inventing new endings when I'm only creating the preludes to something more and more destructive in me

Why can't I just be free? From this entity called time.

Only time will tell Until then, be my friend? Alas I'm only talking to walls Just for the millionth time I hope there is someone behind them

~lav