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askchapo @hexbear.net someone [comrade/them, they/them] @hexbear.net
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Trans men, are there any more-or-less universal things not to do/say in bed with you?

I have a meet-and-greet no-obligations coffee date this week with a trans man, probably leading to him coming over this weekend if we hit it off in person. I'm a cis bi man, and I've never been with a trans man before. Obviously he and I are going to talk about mutual expectations and limits, safewords, etc. But are there any things that I should absolutely not do or say that are basically universal in the trans man experience? I want to get off on the right foot.

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  • IIRC from the poll last month there aren't really any trans men on this site, almost everyone here is AMAB. I think we might have exactly one?

    • almost everyone here is AMAB

      We have a ton of nonbinary people on the site, why do you think you can (or should) make assumptions about our AGAB? The poll didn't ask for that, it asked for pronouns and if people consider themselves trans. You can't draw the kind of conclusion you're making from these questions and frankly, cis people and binary trans people seriously need to STFU with their assumptions about which bullshit guess doctors made about us by taking a quick glance at our genitals when we were born.

      Edit: I know i'm sounding confrontational here, but people just aren't aware of how seriously enbiephobic this kind of shit is. AMAB and AFAB were coined as terms that highlight how arbitrary these assignments are, not as politically correct euphemisms for the gender essentialist, binary enforcing bs you're doing there. Cis people should be extremely careful when using these terms, there's basically no reason to outside of very limited medical contexts. They should especially not do ultra gross shit like equating cis men and trans women in the way you do, that's so fucking yikes. And i'm not even getting into your erasure of nonbinary transmasc people. You need to do some serious self crit, comrade.

      • I think this is cis people just trying to find a roundabout way to ask about genitals (which are a given with cis people) and as you point out this is a terrible fucking idea

        • It's so weird, too, i mean, what's the point? Some of the most attractive people i've met where perfectly androgynous and with some of them i still have no idea what their AGAB is and if and in what direction they're transitioning and that's honestly part of the charm. I don't need to know what it says on their birth certificate, mine says that i'm supposedly fucking tiny and weigh less than 4kg and that's obviously complete and utter nonsense, why should the rest of what's written on there have held up any better? Gender so easily turns into a trap, let people elude it if they want to.

          • [CW: Gender Essentialism/Binarism in the Form of Performative 'AMAB or AFAB?' Shit]

            This is literally so damn true. I'm an androgynous-presenting AMAB enby and I recently met up with some IRL trans friends who know me as non-binary through our Florida-specific Discord server. One of them, in passing, found out that I'm AMAB because I said "I'm transfeminine" in some conversation one way or another, and they were shocked because they legitimately thought I was AFAB. As "yikes" of an assumption that is, it wasn't in bad faith, and I think it definitely opened up this person to how little AGAB can mean in the grand scheme of things. Regardless, the "progressive" gender binary of replacing every instance of boy/male/man with AMAB and girl/female/woman with AFAB is toxic as hell. I've legitimately seen people say things like "Us AFABs need to stand up against AMABs to ensure our rights!" Now, THAT is a yikes moment.

            cringe

          • I am at the point now where I am actually questioning my orientation a bit given how attracted I am to androgynous people and anyone more feminine than that

            I'm inexperienced anyway and never had any chance to experiment

    • @EpicKebabEater@hexbear.net here to serve

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