How do I tell my neighbors that they need to stay off my property and not let their kids trespass. Joke answers only.
People and their kids like to come over unannounced, and without permission, to look at my ducks like it's the fuckin zoo or some shit.
Need some humor for this situation to ease my frustration
You're looking at this wrong way.
Buy a gumball machine.
Put on fence.
Fill machine with enough feed for the day.
Charge other people to feed your ducks
Ducks chewing gum balls ? 😂
No, its a gumball machine. A dispenser. So it can dispense anything such as bird seeds for the ducks. Put in a coin and out comes bird feed AND a gumball. The gumball is for you.
Obvious answer is to give the kids ducklings for every visit. Pressuring kids parents to stop their kids coming over without permission. Unless they want to own duck pets.
Or, the neighbourhood starts a new trend for duckling soup...
Get some thick over sized glasses that are that transparent brown colour on the rims, grow a thin but dirty moustache, only wear faded pastel tops and short stained shorts that are 1 or 2 sizes to small, ALWAYS show your belly, make sure to be overly friendly but never blink when making eye contact, sooner or later they'll all leave your house alone.
Nonchalantly execute the ducks in front of the kids. You'll also be supporting your local youth therapists job security.
This made me snort with laughter, thank you :-)
"Mornin' kids," [twist, snap]
Put up a sign that says, "Pursuant to ordinance 347-1236, a sexual predator resides here"
That makes it sounds like it's legally mandated for there to be a sexual predator there. When the house gets sold, do the new owners now have to go and molest someone??
And to think usually the buyers are the ones getting fucked.
CAUTION:
BIRD FLU
My grandmom used to hang dead birds in her garden to warn others from coming to eat her berries. Maybe this works with kids too, you just need to get a dead one from somewhere first.
Build an exact replica of that area right next to the original. They'll be confused, are they visiting the real ducks or a simulacrum of the ducks?
Warning: Kids left unattended on this lawn will be fed to dinosaurs in the name of science.
Parents and dogs will be given popcorn and adequate seating.
My joke answer is to directly tell them that they are not allowed to come on your lawn, to not let their kids do the same, and that it's your property, not a zoo.
This way you'll guarantee that your house is egged often enough that some of the eggs may not break, and some subset of those could be adopted by the ducks and hatched into baby birds that the kids also won't be able to come look at.
Make sure the place they stand has no vegetation, and is always soaked, so their shoes inevitably get muddy. When they track the mud inside their houses, their parents will flip out and tell them not to go to your property again.
Or just put a motion sensor sprinkler to spray them when they get close.
A sign: "Ducks carry Avian flu, please keep 500 Meters away to avoid transmission risks"
Had a friend with problem neighbors kids cutting through his yard to get to the store. He was friendly with the parents and didn't want to stir shit. The neighbors were super all-natural, hippie, no chemical types, so he told them he switched to a new fertilizer packed with micro-plastics and forever chemicals made by Monsanto that he had to sneak in from Mexico because it wasn't allowed in the US. That fertilizer sure worked because the trail the kids were carving filled right in that summer.
Start handing out kazoos.
Can I non-jokingly ask why that's such a big deal? If it's all up in your grill I get it, or some stupid liability thing. Otherwise, there's little enough joy in the world, what's the harm?
Seriously, embrace the situation. People are interested in hanging out with/near you. If you are the person who stops all the kids seeing the ducks you could end up being seen as the scrooge of the town. Then nobody will like you. If you want nobody to interact with then maybe you should live away from people.
It might seem like those kids have nothing to offer to you but their parents might. My wife makes jam for our friendly neighbors...
To address your question though, you could make it official, one day a week the kids come to see the ducks but maybe you need it quiet the rest of the time to work or whatever. Tell them when to come and they can get it out of their system.
Put up a sign that says “WARNING: rabid ducks, enter property at own risk”
Alt text.
Free range Raptor zone. Humans beware
Handwrite the URL of this post and put it through their letterbox
Satanic iconography
Decorate your home like a child's bedroom.
Have photos of only you everywhere, esp in the bathroom and hallways.
Invite just the parents over for dinner. Serve blue rare steaks and have the fanciest silverware arranged on the tables.
Update your landscaping to modern fire-swamp and stock it with many rodents of unusual size.
Cover your yard in red paint, chunks of meat and feathers? You wanted humour, but was that a bit too grim? Sorry…
Put up a gate and a sign saying “$1 Entrance Fee”. If you want to get even sillier, draw a horizontal line about 7ft off the ground on the sign plus the text “Must be at least this tall to enter”.
Charge admission.
train the ducks to chase after the enemies. Lol
Or just add some geese to the flock.
Peace was never an option
The real answer
Trespassers will be trebucheted.
"There is at least one more bear trap on my grounds than you can spot."
I would have to go with landmines. If that isn't enough of a deterrent, and claymores or even some bouncing betties.
claymores
- Anything labeled "This end toward enemy" is dangerous at both ends.
Ask them if they want to get battletoads instead
Play the sound of a loading shotgun through a speaker when they trespass
Give em the ole home alone treatment
HIMARS
"Entry Fee (min one):
That way you get duck (or human) food for free.
Walls, barbed wire, around the entire perimeter. Hire a pmc to patrol the grounds. If the kids are caught, extraordinary rendition them to a blacksite in an allied former Soviet state. If they escape before capture, send out operatives disguised as soccer/little league/gymnastics coaches until you locate and black bag them. Same fate as the initially captured. They’ll either get the memo or run out of kids
If they escape before capture, send out operatives disguised as soccer/little league/gymnastics coaches until you locate and black bag them.
Get a shotgun, load it noisely when the kids trespass
You kids stay the DUCK off my lawn!!!
"I'm assisting as part of an experimental penal system. I just want you to be aware that all of these ducks were once human child rapists who were transformed in exchange for lighter sentences."
Tell your neighborhood you're a sex offender?
You could make sure they see you taking a dump on the closet edge of your yard, build a fence like that and I think they'll get the message
Give the ducks a nice shower/sprinkler set up that's both timer and manually controlled.
Motion controlled
Dismember one of the ducks and put it on display
Go back to Jersey tweakers
Give Red Riding Hoods to all neighbors.
And mention by the way that you got wolves there, so the kids must wear them when they want to visit.
“Unattended Children Will be Gifted a Duckling”
Raise a pack of cats then put your cat on guard your property.
Their meow will scare kids away
depending on where you're from you can hang up a sign saying "trespassing Children will be converted to Islam"