I've gotten a lot better on my BPD symptoms for a few years since I got good therapy and antidepressants, but one issue I still really struggle with is revisiting times when someone hurt me, intentionally or not, even if it's a resolved situation I'm not still mad about, and getting mad about it again.

Below are two examples, you don't need to read them but it might help explain my problem.

I did this a few months ago and drove away my fiance over a small mess she made in my place. She made it as a trauma response, we had a wonderful conversation about it after and I wasn't upset at her at all. But I managed to make it a huge deal in my head later, and since she'd said before she wants me to clean my space better or let her help clean (I have a hard time motivating to clean my room and stuff), I thought she was a hypocritical asshole. I verbally abused her over text and made an ultimatum, saying she had to apologize for it or I wouldn't talk to her anymore. She left, blocked me on everything, and the engagement is off. We exchanged letters recently, and at least maybe we can still be friends again some day.

A more recent example is with my dad. I was trying to quit cigarettes and take a break from weed, so I asked him to hold onto my ID so I wouldn't be tempted to get any since I'm kinda addicted and can't control myself when I can get a fix. We went out and about for a doctor's appointment next to a dispensary, and I was gonna be super proud of myself for not having gotten anything there. But my dad thought I might wanna get some weed, so he brought my ID. While he was getting weed, I spent 15 minutes wailing and trying to resist getting stuff, but I caved and got weed and cigs. I still feel really ashamed about my lack of self control, and I think that event really fucked with my mindset about quitting and made it a lot harder to try again. I don't want to be mad at him, and I've already talked to him about it, but I'm trying to quit again, and I already struggle a lot more with intrusive thoughts like that while sober, but I'm having a really hard time not protecting my shame onto him. I don't want to talk to him about it again, i think he already feels really guilty for sabotaging my quit and I don't want to drag that back up.

Talking to the people I'm mad at about it can make me less upset, but I can't just bring up old shit like that every time my brain makes me upset about it. With my fiance I should've just talked to her about how I felt and we could've worked through it together, but that isn't the solution to most things like this, esp when they're already resolved issues.

Tl;Dr I sometimes dredge up old memories of others hurting me and make myself upset about them again, and I really need a healthy way to deal with them other than just bottling it up or talking to them about it every time

Excerpt

Goals: Go Slowly

Remember that change is difficult to achieve and fraught with fears. Be cautious about suggesting that “great” progress has been made or giving “You can do it” reassurances. Progress evokes fears of abandonment.

Lower your expectations. Set realistic goals that are attainable. Solve big problems in small steps. Work on one thing at a time. “Big”, long-term goals lead to discouragement and failure.

Family Environment

Keep things cool and calm. Appreciation is normal. Tone it down. Disagreement is normal. Tone it down, too.

Maintain family routines as much as possible. Stay in touch with family and friends. There’s more to life than problems, so don’t give up the good times.

Find time to talk. Chats about light or neutral matters are helpful. Schedule times for this if you need to.

Managing Crisis, Pay Attention, But Stay Calm

Don’t get defensive in the face of accusations and criticisms. However unfair, say little and don’t fight. Allow yourself to be hurt. Admit to whatever is true in the criticisms.

Self-destructive acts or threats require attention. Don’t ignore. Don’t panic. It’s good to know. Do not keep secrets about this. Talk about it openly with your family member and make sure professionals know.

Listen. People need to have their negative feelings heard. Don’t say, “It isn’t so.” Don’t try to make the feelings go away. Using words to express fear, loneliness, inadequacy, anger, or needs is good. It’s better to use words than to act out on feelings.

Addressing Problems, Collaborate and be Consistent

When solving a family member’s problems, ALWAYS: Involve the family member in identifying what needs to be done; Ask whether the person can “do” what’s needed in the solution; Ask whether they want you to help them “do” what’s needed

Family members need to act in concert with one another. Parental inconsistencies fuel severe family conflicts. Develop strategies that everyone can stick to.

If you have concerns about medications or therapist interventions, make sure that both your family member and his or her therapist/doctor/treatment team know. If you have financial responsibility, you have the right to address your concerns to the therapist or doctor.

Limit Setting, be Direct but Careful

Set limits by stating the limits of your tolerance. Let your expectations be known in clear, simple language. Everyone needs to know what is expected of them.

Do not protect family members from the natural consequences of their actions. Allow them to learn about reality. Bumping into a few walls is usually necessary.

Do not tolerate abusive treatment such as tantrums, threats, hitting and spitting. Walk away and return to discuss the issue later.

Be cautious about using threats and ultimatums. They are a last resort. Do not use threats and ultimatums as a means of convincing others to change. Give them only when you can and will carry through. Let others – including professionals – help you decide when to give them.

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So, I’ve been doing DBT for over a year now and first of all it’s the thing that has made the most difference for me. Completely changed my life and how much I am able to manage my emotions and my interactions with others, especially my spouse. And I’m not a person who ever says “changed my life” about anything. So yeah. If you have access, I know not everyone does, I highly recommend DBT. It’s the bees knees.

Anyway, I recently switched therapists to a fully DBT oriented therapist, and she suggested I use this app to track my skill use and stuff and I just wanted to post it here in case it helps anyone else. There are other apps out there but this one is the one I’ve been using and it’s been pretty great so far. And it’s like $5 one time on the iPhone App Store. Not sure if it exists for android or whatever. The other one I just looked at is like $12 a month forever.

The app is cool partly because you can send all the data for the week to your therapist (or whoever, I suppose) by email so they can look at how that week went, with skills use, a motions, behaviors, and also there’s a journal part for writing notes. But also the whole thing is super customizable and there’s info in there about each skill. Etc. It’s pretty great.

So yeah. Here’s a link: https://apps.apple.com/us/app/dbt-diary-card-skills-coach/id479013889

The interface is kinda old and janky looking, but whatever. Once you get used to it it’s pretty easy to use.

Enjoy!

Just started DBT and I've been using to remind and practice the skills. Mobile friendly and has a night mode option.

I get into these quick obsessions when I meet someone new, like planning our wedding and thinking about them to an unhealthy extent. It used to impact my work because I would drop everything to reply to their text or go on a date.

Now I just avoid dating altogether. Don’t even get me started on rejection :/

The TIPP skill is meant to be used when under extreme distress. It’s helped me stop self-harming, destroying things, and even controlled my drinking. Here are my favorites from each category:

Tip: Cold shower

Intense exercise: Running

Paced breathing: Box breathing (4-4-4-4)

Progressive Muscle Relaxation: My favorite video

Comic by: https://claricetudor.com/