Faster Purple Worm! Kill! Kill!

Episode 20: Everyone Dies Eating Mushrooms

Four adventurers find themselves transported to the Fae Wild. Can they uncover its mysteries before the agents of evil do their worst? No.

I believe it was the poet, Robert Frost, who said, "In three words, I can sum up everything I've learned about life. It goes on."

DM, Mother Frost - Jon Ciccolini Nigel - Satyr - Matthew Lillard Baroth Kruuncith (Dragonborn Fighter), Apprentice("You")/Rabbit - Jonah Ray Gelbin Rakankrak (Hill Dwarf Cleric) - Lou Wilson Inis (Human Cleric) - Aabria Iyengar Westleigh Fezzeroth (Firbold Wizard) - Patton Oswalt

The last you all remember, you were asleep in your beds, suffering from a restless sleep. But now you find yourselves in a dark, snowy wood in a clearing. Within this clearing, you see the light of a campfire. Sitting at the fire, wrapped in furs, is an ancient hobgoblin woman playing a woodwind instrument. Listening to her play are a collection of forest animals sitting in an arc around her; rabbits, deer, owls, mice, all sitting around. As she plays, the fir trees themselves seem to sway to the sound of her music. As you listen, you have a slight sense of paranoia running through you. As you stand and look around, you see these others standing beside you in the clearing.

Highlights

• 15:30 Baroth Kruuncith's sick flute solo
• 18:18 Nat 1 by Jonah turns him into a rabbit
• 25:13 Encore flute solo
• 29:34 A satyr is discovered.
• 31:21 BBEG
• 35:31 Fan Art Moment Bunny Riding the Flute as it's fired at the dragon.
• 38:45 Nigel the satyr hopping through the woods Runnin' into heroes, doin' what he could

Episode 19: Everyone Dies at a Resurrection

Four family members try to raise a lost loved one. Can they get out of their deal with the demon lord and save their own souls? No.

I believe it was the Roman poet Virgil who said, "The can conquer who believe they can."

DM, Marcus (Orcus) - Ify Nwadiwe Stuart the Fridge - Bill Rehor Aella Dewdrop (Halfling Bard) - Krystina Arielle Fay-Lor Swift (Wood Elf Bard) - Mal Blum Junior (Mountain Dwarf Cleric) - Matthew Lillard Tildred "Tilly" (Mountain Dwarf Bard) - Kelen Coleman

In a cottage, in a forest, you all gather. You are all coming in with a dish. It's become a monthy gathering between adopted siblings. You have lost your father two years ago. Your father was a man of money. Y'all were used to the life of plush rich people things. Because of one unsigned will, y'all are all broke. Out of all of the children, we all know that one of you are taking it the hardest. There's a knock at the door. When you open the door, you know it's someone you invited. Seeing as Tilly has been having such a tough time, you wanted to introduce someone to her that she might like. She does not like. Tilly instead suggests a resurrection, which Junior immediately rejects as a breach of his holy vows. She goes into her back and pulls out something. When she was back in town, she met this salesman who had this trinket from Vassa (Vassa is a place up north that you might have heard had some demon issues) and said it could make her dreams come true and bring back someone from the dead. When Tilly taps the stick on the ground it starts to shake and light up. Black smoke and flames start to spurt out of the skull. This is confusing to you becaus the person who sold it to you said that an angel was going to come out and allow you to bring your dad back to life. No one can see anything through the smoke and then, in an instant, it disappears from the room, and standing before you is something like an angel. It has wings, it's big, burly. You can't see its face; it's covered. The skull stares down at you and says, "Oh, Zingy, were you able to hold off the dragon's bane?" He, then, looks at all four of you. "Why did you summon me?"

Highlights

• 25:35 BBEG
• 44:33 Matthew reveals his own father's terminal state and his gratitude for being able to process that emotion with a silly game and friends around a table.
• 47:12 Krystina:"D&D is actually very healing. We all have different things, but the thing that always brings us back to the table and helps us to relate to each other is that human element:
  • trauma
  • feelings we didn't know we had
  • to see ourselves use the masks to kind of see behind the mask of who we are
  • and to feel free to process a lot of things that we don't get to

and I'm grateful that we could all share this moment. It is a very real moment. It is a very honest moment. I like to do this thing with my kids and we're going to do it right now. Everybody stop and we're gonna take two deep breaths and we're gonna move forward." breath "One, two three." breath "Remember, life's gonna life, but all we can do is live it."

Episode 18: Everyone Dies in Wildspace

Four intrepid spelljammers come across a derelict ship floating in Wildspace. Can they uncover its mysteries before a sinister evil destroys them all? No.

I believe it was the ancient Greek philosopher Epicurus who said, "The greater the difficulty, the more the glory in surmounting it."

DM - Jon Ciccolini Balloon - Bill Rehor Daldagga (Giff Fighter) - Ify Nwadiwe Delaware Jones (Giff Monk) - Matthew Lillard Joey Jeff Jimmy (Giff Fighter) - Noura Ibrahim Findelin Sploo (Giff Bard) - Lou Wilson

We find ourselves sailing through the airless void known aa Wildspace. You are all crew on the deck of a Bombard spelljamming ship. Bombards are usually built (and "sailed") by Giff (tall, broad-shouldered humanoid with hippo-like features. The primary retrieval team for your ship has recently boarded a derelict ship that you have found out in Wildspace. There's something strange going on with this derelict ship. It's another Bombard garishly painted in red and yellow stripes. The sails are a patchwork quilt of different fabrics and colors in strange patterns. Your primary retrieval team has not returned. The captain of your ship, Joe Mariner, tells you that you are up next. You're the secondary retrieval team. Joe Mariner:"I need you to go onto that ship and find out what has happened to your fellow crew members." There's a gangplank connecting these two ships. The four of you could cross over to this other bombard. Findelin Sploo's singing is interrupted as one of the first retrieval team comes stumbling off of the derelict ship ad over the gangplank. He falls in the middle and starts crawling in your direction. He looks up at you and says, "The 'Squeakers'. Beware." You board the derelict ship and descend below deck in search of your missing crew members. As you walk down the companionway and start looking in some of the different quarters, you notice something right away. There's some sort of corrosive, ichor clinging to the walls, in pools on he floor as you move about. You find the captain's quarters. Inside something stands out to you: a large three-foot-square jack-in-the-box with a winch on the side, painted in eerie, multicolored designs. On the front, painted in an arc, it says,

"Open me for a thrill"

Highlights

• 10:35 Findelin Sploo sings: There once was a time where I was on a ship. There were men attempting to take over the ship. I said 'No! This is my ship! You will not have it! You will not take it from me, Findelin Sploo!' Then I took the ship and I turned the wheel, so the ship was put down, and I crashed the ship. Most of the crew died, but I survived. It was me, Findelin Sploo!
• 16:43 "I, Delaware Jones, bequeath my gift medal to none of you!"
• 17:50 Ballet
• 24:00 Placebo healing
• 29:00 The first team is found stuck in space taffy and there are some normal-sized space hamsters nearby. Space taffy can be broken down with oil and Delaware Jones brought gallons.
• 30:01 You had to lick the space taffy. Make a CON save.
• 36:05 Scott Passarella channels John Williams
• 46:08 The last song of Findelin Sploo: They were four second choices but they acted like one. So they went over to the boat, and there was a balloon. He was creepy as hell, so we cut him in half. Then they saved them, their poor crew members and made sure they were safe. And they stared down the danger and fought til the end because they were The Secondary Retrieval Team! The Secondary Retrieval Team!

Episode 17: Everyone Dies Near a Hole

Natures greatest monstrosity has awoken. Can four novice adventurers stand in its way? No.

I believe it was the Bohemian novelist Franz Kafka who said: "The meaning of life is that it stops."

DM - Jason Azevedo Apprentice to the Great Wizard Steve - Bill Rehor Old Tammy - Matthew Lillard Chrissy (Changeling Fighter) - Deborah Ann Woll Iggy Bird (Aarakocra Ranger) - Clare Grant Tomas Bizzbear (Half-Orc Ranger) - Sean Gunn Vesuvia (High Elf Sorceror) - Danielle Perez

The first thing you feel is the warmth of the sun on your faces. You smell the sweet scent of stale mead, the braying of farm animals, and birds singing outside the window of the Happy Hummingbird Tavern. You sit in the tavern because the day before, in this quaint village of Meadowbrook, you completed your first quest. As you sit and enjoy your beverages (warm honey mead, sweet wine, perhaps some ale) and a collection of meats and cheeses, you hear what sounds like a slight rumble. You watch as your cups, your mugs on the table, shake slightly. The liquid in them just kind of ripples a little bit. You continue your conversation until again, just a little tremor occurs throughout the tavern You're alone in this tavern (other than the barkeep) and the barkeep starts to look around, and looks a little confuse, and looks at you all and says, "D-d-did you feel that?" A Mage's apprentice shows up and heads directly for the group. Steve's apprentice:"I bring you a dire warning, but some hope. You see, there is a magic spell that can take an entire town and move it into a pocket dimension, just long enough for this monstrous beast to run through, at which time the town can be redistributed back where it came from and, be totally unharmed. A great wizard in Bumbleflux was preparing this spell...but unfortunately he ran out of time, and has been crushed along with everyone else in Bumbleflux. But in this case, we have an even better wizard, my master Steve. He knows this same spell and is preparing it as we speak. But we're going to run out of time. If you could slow it down for just a moment, it would be enough to cast the spell and save your town and your loved ones. You would be heroes. Would you take on this mighty task?"

Highlights

• 13:11 Bag of Magic Items Contents:
  • Wand of Wonder
  • A Bag of Beans
  • An Immovable Rod
  • Nolzur's Marvelous Pigments
• 17:06 Iggy Bird:"Immovable cow! Rawk!"
• 18:50 The wisest villager, Old Tammy
• 25:55 BBEG

(click to reveal)

Muthafuggin TARRASQUE!!1!

• 33:45 Dainty changeling gets jacked "Chrissy's ready to kill some shit."
• 43:27 Fan Art Moment Tomas' skeleton hanging from the Immovable Rod
• 44:33 The Poem of Cat Team 6 Iggy Bird with the brightest bluest feathers drew the most bravest holes of all the birds who wear leathers. He may not have been much for most of his life. But when it counted, he was just enough. Vesuvia tried to hit him with an acid splash and went bust. There once was a fighter named Chrissy. She wasn't at all very prissy. She once saved a cat, but not just that... She also saved a city.

Episode 16: Everyone Dies at the Temple of Lathander

Tonight, four criminals attempt a daring heist. Can they steal enough gold to save their own skins? No.

I believe it was the famous Indian Revolutionary Mahatma Ghandi who said: "Learn as if you will live forever..."

DM - Jared Logan Priest of Lathander - Bill Rehor Orphan - Ross Bryant Alister (Gnome Rogue) - Matthew Lillard Juniper Sands (Half-Elf Rogue) - Katie Wilson Knickknack (Tiefling Rogue) - Luis Carazo Kruman (Gnome Rogue) - Skeet Ulrich

The scene: Waterdeep. The jewel of the Sword Coast. A massive, sprawling city of spires and turrets and minarets? You are in the castle ward near Castle Waterdeep. This is a "high-end" area of the city. There are many lampposts. You are looking at the Spires of Mourning. They are the temple of the god Lathander, a god of good and goodness. But your characters are all evil. The sun is setting on Waterdeep. A light rain is falling. From one of the lampposts, there is a serpent coiled around it and it has a pair of dirty wings. You know that you are under the watchful eye of the Zentarum. Cut back to 7 hours earlier. You're deep inside one of the Zentarum's many safehouses, here in Waterdeep. They're located in places you'd never expect them to be located. This one is behind a nice restaurant that does an excellent scone. You're all enjoying delicious scones. "Would everyone stop talking about the scones?" This, of course is the voice of Argor Vuun, a name that sounds made up. He has a lot of rings and he has one of those very sharp, little goatees. He's got one eye that's red and one eye that's blue. Coiled around his wrist, he has the aforementioned serpent, his pet. He reaches down and pulls up a cockroach out of a small box that he keeps for keeping cockroaches in...and he feeds the cockroach to the serpent. He looks at you and he says, "What do you all have to say for yourselves? You shouldn't be making jokes, you all owe the Zentarum (Faerun's notorious criminal organization). Within the next seven hours or so, I want you all to go to the Spires of Mourning, in the castle ward. There inside the Temple of Lathander, is a very powerful and sacred artifact: it is a belt. It's a belt that ties up your private parts so that nothing sketchy goes on. It doesn't matter why I want it. You will know it because it glows with a holy light. and it perfectly encapsulates the glory of Lathander. You'll find it in the Sanctorium. Beyond the Great Hall. I want you to bring it back within 24 hours or your lives are forfeit!" He slowly slinks back into the shadows, even though it's a small room and he doesn't really have anywhere to go. It is now seven hours later and you're back on the streets of Waterdeep. Ahead of you is a pair of huge oaken keep doors. In front of those doors are the soldiers of light, Lathander's sacred crusaders. They're standing with their hugs swords at their hips. How do you intend to get inside the Spire of Mourning?

Highlights

• 22:59 Epic booming voice sound FX
• 25:10 Thumb assist
• 29:15 The prayer to Lathander
• 31:09 BBEG

Episode 15: Everyone Dies in a Haunted House

Four ghost-hunting heroes explore a haunted House. Can the brave of heart overcome the evil undead? No.

I believe it was former president Benjamin Harrison who said: "Great lives never go out, they go on."

DM - Rob Ciccolini Barildrea Warmfeet (Mountain Dwarf Rogue) - Kate Welch Serafina Spritefoot (Halfling Rogue) - Tiffany Smith Bastian Johnson (Human Wizard) - Troy Lavallee Eleanora (Fairy Rogue) - Kate Micucci

Cormier is a jewel in the sea of fallen stars and that's where you find yourself: In front of a large gothing mansion. You can see that the gables and the roof is very high. You thought you spied, as you approached, a widow walk and a weathervane that even now goes back and forth squeaking. You know that what you are looking for is in this mansion. You have heard that the Lord Mayor had some kind of artifact of the Churh of Selune, but the only people that you could convince to go were a whole bunch of rogues. You've convinced them that the Lord Mayor was a penny pincher that did not let go of a coin. Rumor has it that his treasure is somewhere in the house. The door in front of you is very heavy and ornate. It is beginning to rain and you probably want to get out of it.

Highlights

• What can run, but never walks, has a mouth, but never talks, has a head, but never weeps, has a bed, but never sleeps?

answer (click)

A river.

• I'm found in socks, scarves and mittens and often in the paws of playful kittens. What am I?

answer (click)

Yarn.

• A guard set here. I halt your way. And down this path you cannot stray. Although your path has ended here, the way beyond is seen so clear, bolstered by chain or wood, or lock, through night and day, all folk I block. What am I?

answer (click)

A gate.

• We act as one, in groups of four, while from the back there comes one more. We make a sound upon a door. We seek the hilt in times of war. We claim the feather, when writing lore. What are we?

answer (click)

Fingers.

• The sea of fallen stars wears a jewel so bright, our kingdom of Cormier with glorious might. From humbled start, Soosara's city was born. Not winter's ring nor goblin wars were our people torn. Near 1500 years have our noble folks seen. What was the name of Cormier's first queen?

answer (click)

All answers are wrong; Gontharia Oberscere was correct but just a ruse.

Episode 14: Everyone Dies in Barovia

This evening, four heroes venture into the mists of Barovia, bent on revenge. Can they triumph over the most legendary of evils? Foolish Mortal.

I believe it was founding father, Thomas Jefferson who said: "Nothing can stop a person with the right mental attitude from achieving their goals."

DM, Strahd von Zarovich - Kate Welch Charna Thunderforged (Dwarf Barbarian) - Kelly Holden Bashar Hjulmek Boldgrip (Dwarf Cleric of Kelemvor (Lord of Death)) - David Epley Marnia (Half-Elf Bard) - Kate Micucci Tollen Loch (Dragonborn Paladin of Pelor) - Matthew Lillard

You have just managed to get to the part of the road, and swarmed by mist and fog, that will lead you into the fabled darkness that is the land of Barovia. Now, you are all avenging a loved one. This dragonborn, freshly-molted, bagpipe teacher, buys dwarves drinks in bars, knows dwarven song, Named Jean Applebottom. You are on your way through Barovia. The mist gets in your nostrils. Usually it is something that is slowly killing you over time, but you knew you were going into the mists of Barovia. You have prepared a spell and had it cast upon you by a local wizard who has given you resistance to Barovia's evil magic. It has a short duration, so you need to figure out what happened to Jean Applebottom quickly. You are making your way toward the town of Vallaki, or at least where you think this town of Vallaki is. Wandering through these mists, you see shapes. You see what looks like a ghostly wolf run past you, but then it's gone. Spooky as shit, and it's mist everywhere. You feel lost, but then this strain of music starts to float towards you, the sound of rather eerie mandolin coming through the mist. You follow the music and you start to see the outline of caravans, and tents, and a warm fire. You realize that you have come upon a Vistani camp in Barovia.

Highlights

• 03:59 The Dwarven Love Song
• 08:43 The Wheel of Quirks
• 19:41 Fortune Teller Cards: Beast, Mists, Ghost, and Dark Lord
• 32:05 Matthew hits everyone else on his team when the DM catches him in a mistake.

Episode 13: Everyone Dies at the Circus

Our heroes must infiltrate a sinister circus. Will their performances allow them to escape the big top alive? No.

I believe it was Russian novelist Fyodor Dostoyevsky who said, "To live without hope is to cease to live."

DM, Leopold the Chihuahua, Hemlock Harper (Dracolich) - Kailey Bray Ferret Farreach (Goliath Warlock) - Charlie Rehor Emra Emerald (Rock Gnome Ranger) - Allison Haislip Theodoric Claarwine (Half-Elf Bard) - Ross Bryant Garnoll Mountainheart (Dwarf Cleric) - Paul Shapiro

It's an idyllic day here in the lush Umbral Valley. You all have been summoned by Lord McGuffin. He is an odd duck and very worries as his guards usher you into his keep. Looking upon all of you with some stress and a little bit of hesitation. He has summoned you here out of concern for his twin children, who are noticeably absent. Normally they would be here in the halls. "...but the twins, they've appeared to have run away to join the circus. I don't trust the circus people. Not one bit. Actually, it is some sort of macabre something going on and I need a team of charming and brave adventurers to go rescue my children. One small caveat. Sorry to sneak this in there, but the only way really to obtain access without gaining any suspicion would be to infiltrate the circus, and they are holding auditions rather shortly."

Highlights

• 03:43 The Ladder of Entertainment:
  • Theater
  • Choir
  • Ventriloquism
  • Improv
  • Mime
  • Circus
• 07:45 Meta moment about posing as inferior performers.
• 10:02 "This group of bizarre and twisted harlequins, this insane clown posse, if you will?"
• 11:31 "I may not understand it, but my kids are gonna love it." (BttF ref)
• 14:00 "The circus?! I was trained at Julliard." - Leopold
• 30:28 Scott's Epic Circus Music
• 37:40 The Bard falls with great dramatic effect.

Episode 12: Everyone Dies...Again.

Next! Four heroes are all that stand between the dragon queen's hordes and their beloved city. Can they hold off wave after wave of draconic destruction? No.

I believe it was the American poet Emily Dickinson who said, "Dying is a wild night and a new road."

DM - John Ciccolini Tower Armorer - Bill Rehor Amalla (Autumn Eladrin Paladin) - Mica Burton Norty (Goliath Artificer) - Amy Vorpahl Tsogomo Scruggs (Bugbear Cleric of Bahamut) - Kyle Newman William Smallwood (Human Ranger) - Matthew Lillard

You stand at the top of the Keep of Greenest. Greenest is a provincial town on the Uldoon Trail. All around, billows of smoke fill the sky, as you look down on the town that as been destroyed beneath you. The forces of the Army of the Dragon have surged forward to take the city, and you all have been charged with defending the roof of this tower keep. This 50' diameter, crenelated tower. Below in the keep, is where all the townsfolk have congregated. Those who have survived, and they're depending on you. Okay, so your captain, Captain Homer Lockjaw, comes running up the steps onto the roof. He barks at you, "You best be prepared for a very, very long night of battle. The longer you can stay alive, the better off we'll all be. I suspect forces are coming to aid us. But they may not be here until morning." There are forces all throughout the town. The problem is that there's smoke everywhere. So your visibility is limited, but you can hear them moving about. Captain Lockjaw goes down into that trapdoor. As you're all casting and huddling up, out of the smoke, riders come swooping in to attack. They're riding these dragon-like creatures. You don't think they're dragons, but they have masks that look like dragons on them. They swoop down and attack with spears, and they appear to have military training because they're attacking in coordinated ways that seem to be giving them advantage.

Highlights

• 10:20 World Record for fastest TPK
• 10:45 Bahamut saves the day! But... Each of you have now been resurrected. You're back on the roof, and there's only one change. As each of you were resurrected, there is some little tweak... Norty goes through a "second puberty". William Smallwood becomes Willhelmina and readies an arrow in her bow. Tsogomo's traits (stinky, hairy, contrarian) are slightly amplified Amala gives herself bangs for breaking up with her previous diety, Oberon.
• 20:10 World Record for fastest Double TPK
• 21:50 Another rez...
• 31:52 World Record for fastest Triple TPK
• 32:50 Level boost to 10!
• 33:20 Tsogomo is a believer now.
• 34:08 Willhelmina becomes non-binary.
• 35:00 Muthafuggin' TIAMAT
• 36:12 24 to hit...JUST misses
• 42:50 Last Resort: Summoning Bahamut like a cat in the Ethereal Plane

Episode 11: Everyone Dies Getting Their Wish

Tonight, wishes do come true, but not always in the way we expect. Will our adventurers realize their hearts' desires? No.

I believe it was the great poet, Walt Whitman, who said, "Nothing can happen more beautiful than death."

DM - Justice Ramin Arman A.K. Rowdy (Human Druid) - River Butcher Bard (Gnome Barbarian) - Khary Payton Dr. Gene "Gene 17" Splicer (Harengon Artificer) - Gabriel Hicks Nachasha (Yuan-Ti Monk) - Elisa Teague The Portal - Matthew Lillard

A host of strange phenomena have begun plaguing a city in Calimshan (which is located in west Faerun). Citizens' wildest dreams have become true overnight. Paupers turned to princes gaining fortunes in an instant. Unlikely pairs falling head over heels in love. Elderly locals made young again and children walking around with unimaginable beasts as their pets. You all have been summoned to the court of Bacrom (a dignitary in Calimshan) to address this threat. You arrive in a palatial court that is aptly named as a congress of birds. You pass hawk-like guards, their beaks as pointed as daggers. It has vaulted ceilings supported by mosaiced columns. Seated on a throne amid them is a blue-feathered aarakocra (a bird folk that looks somewhat like a peacock). His plumage is draped over his own shoulders, creating a royal coat, and his eyelashes are beautiful and outlined with green feathers themselves. A female warrior with russet brown skin, bronze armor, and a tall spear, as well as a scar over her left eye, stands beside him. On the other side stands a genasi, a mage with white hair that seems to blow in the wind at every moment. When you arrive, the warrior stamps their spear, prompting you to introduce yourself. The dignitary looks over each of you and says, "Ah, this will be a great group of adventurers to take care of this threat. Have they told you what's going on? Bring in the baby!" says this peacock and claps his hands and in marches a palanquin carrying a small baby bird. You just see the top of it coming out of the palanquin. "That was my uncle yesterday. He was 103 years old. Does this seem acceptable to you? We just tucked him in last night. Things are getting out of control. I believe there's an evil mage to blame, a saucy sorceror that lurks in these lands named Bill the Bold. Our economy runs rampantly uncontrolled. I have reason to believe there are certain legends in these lands of powerful genies that have the power to grant wishes in an instant. I believe that this mage has bound one of these creatures and I need you to rescue it, to take out this mage, and to stop these phenomena from plaguing our land. Free this noble genie. Would you do this thing for me?"

Highlights

• 10:28 The Cauldron of Wishes
• 36:00 Flashdance
• 37:45 "Yuan-Ti Sha-sha"

Episode 10: Everyone Dies as a Surprise

Four heroes set out to save a beautiful princess. Will their story have a fairy tale ending? Not on our watch.

I believe it was the poet laureate Alfred Lord Tennyson who said, "Hope smiles from the threshold of the year to come, whispering, 'It will be happier.'"

DM - Kailey Bray Kettle (Water Genasi Barbarian) - Xander Jeanneret Pips (Fairy Bard) - Luis Carazo Pox Finrey Lemplemp (Halfling Rogue) - Todd Stashwick U'lat (Half-Elf Warlock) - Guy Branum Fairy Godperson - Matthew Lillard

Once upon a time, in an idyllic kingdom rocked by a serious tragedy, Queen Belinda has set out a call to any of her subjects that could possibly be of help. Princess Rusa has been held captive by a vicious monster, in a tower not far from the royal palace. She is needing parties of adventurers and true heroes to see who is truly brave enough to return her daughter to the kingdom. All of you have found yourselves here, in the great hall of this castle, as your beautiful queen stands before you, begging for your help: "You are the heroes I seek. The way ahead of you is fraught with danger. Though the road itself is short to this cursed tower, I am told that the tower itself is quite arduous, and there might be traps lying in wait for you from this nefarious creature. I would recommend that you go visit the wishing well in the gardens, and perhaps ask for a boon from the fairy godperson that makes that well their domain. You may be able to earn some kind of boon towards your adventure to really gird yourselves against this monster. If there are no more fine-print questions, I can direct you to the garden where the fairy godperson is waiting." The fairy godperson melts back into the wishing well in a sparkle of glitter and a fragrance of fresh flowers.

Highlights

• 06:11 "I got a five year plan to be a QUEEN. I ain't pessimistic." - U'lat
• 12:00 Boon handouts: Kettle - Amulet of Arcane Blade Pips - Flower of Foresight (advantage on initiative rolls and trap detection checks) U'lat - Taupe Beret of Shielding (adds +1 to AC) P.F. Lemplemp - Clogs of Quickstep (can cast Haste 1/day)
• 17:11 Fan Art Moment Pips busting out the Monarch butterfly wings.
• 26:30 "Hey Pips. Don't hide your wings." - P.F. Lemplemp

Episode 9: Everyone Dies at the Costume Ball

Tonight! Four undercover agents must unmask a traitor in their midst. Can they discover the truth before a greater evil destroys them all? No.

DM, Matriarch, A.A.A., Libra Halo, Dyrrn - John Ciccolini Bigum Battleaxe (Goliath Barbarian) - David Dastmalchian Bixby Silver (Human Mage) - Matthew Lillard Epiphany Spontaneya (Kalashtar Cleric) - Noura Ibrahim Ivan the Invincible (Mountain Dwarf Paladin) - Steve Agee

The setting is Eberron, the continent of Khorvaire, the city of Sharn. Sharn is the City of Towers and Shar, over the eons, has not been able to grow out, so it has grown up. Thus the "City of Towers", a huge metropolis of towers where the poor and desolate live mostly at the base of the city, and the rich and the elite live up at the top. The top is where you find yourselves, standing on an airship platform at the top of Platinum Heights (one of the nicest areas in all of Sharn). You've all been hired as an inquisitive team, a team of investigators, by House Lyrandar. This is the house that commands a lot of the airships. They have an annual masquerade gala aboard this massive ship tonight. You've been hired to go to this gala and figure out which of the matriarch's three advisors is the traitor in their midst. You stand before this great airship that you need to board. The airship has its name printed on the front of it.

Reginald Butterbottom XVII

As you're approaching, the matriarch's valet approaches you and says: "Before you may enter, you must entertain the matriarch. She wants to make sure all her guests are entertaining before they may board." As you look at this looming ship, you see at the front of it the matriarch herself with her high hair and her long nose peering down at you. You step before the matriarch and you are told that you must act out a scene from the famous play Theater of Pain. Once you enter the airship, before you is a scene of decadence. This is where the elite have come to meet and party. Everybody is in a masquerade costume. As you look around and mingle you feel the ship take off and you can tell now that you are up in the air over the city of Sharn. You see a gnome. You know from your dossier, that this Gnome is Alistair Alinga Apastifah. The next name in your dossier is another Kalashtar named Libra Halo, and she is standing on a raised platform next to the matriarch. Standing in the corner away from everybody, with his back to everyone, you see Tok the Warforged.

04:17 "So, this is pre Sk8-Tv." (Matthew Lillard used to host a Nickelodeon skateboarding show called Sk8Tv)

Episode 8: Everyone Dies in the Bay

Tonight! Four local heroes try to save their tiny fishing village. Can they maintain their sanity in the face of a cosmic horror? No

DM, Mayor Honeycut - Troy Lavallee Junior Honeycut - Bill Rehor Nim Elthera (Elf Ranger) - Jared Logan Oloki Triton (Half-Orc/Half-Water Elemental Paladin) - Alicia Marie Ophelia Cross (Human Monk) - Joseph O'Brien Ulder Pendelton (Wood Elf Ranger) - Mary Lou

Alright, we're going to open our little adventure today in a quaint fishing village somewhere along the coast of Faerûn, a very small town called Featherhook Bay. Now, it's not a real bay in the traditional sense, but most of the people that live here aren't very smart. And so, no one's ever corrected them. And so they just call it a bay. There is, however, a large rock outcropping that juts from the shore. It goes like a mile-and-a-half. It kindof ensconces the village. Either way, it's a very close-knit community. I'd say maybe 100-120 people on a good day. You don't wanna know about a bad day. This town's been around for a while, multiple generations, and what's helped the community survive, and often thrive, is the main commerce of the village, which is the fishing industry. Its proximity to the best spots for fishin make Featherhook Bay a major trade partner in the area. So, the people of Featherhook Bay are very protective of this land, and you're only allowed to fish here if you live in Featherhook Bay. If you're a trespasser, you're killed on sight. They throw your body in the bay. Anyway, we'll say the four of you belong to any one of the major three fishing families in Featherhook Bay. This afternoon, the four of you have been called to the mayor's office as representative of the families because there's a problem. You arrive and the mayor just sits there watching you come in, and he's balding, and he reeks of fish (like everyone in town) and his name is Johnson Honeycut, and he says, "Thank you. Thank you, all, for coming today. As you know, the Honeycuts built this town and it's been a difficult month when you live on the coast as we do, "By the Bay" as it were. Natural disasters are just a part of life here, but these tremors and earthquakes as of late have bombarded us and they have taken their toll on our fair town. Luckily, the people of Featherhook Bay are strong, and have always been strong. As you know, our town motto is 'it IS a bay!' despite what anyone says! So, there are earthquakes, natural disasters. The damage that was done to the dock has been repaired. We only lost one ship, and we've already begun construction on a new one to replace it. However looks around to see no one else is around There is one problem that, thankfully, no one is quite aware of yet. Come in closer. Closer. That's too close. After that last quake that we had last week, there has not been a single catch of note. Fishing boats go out every day and they come back empty. It's unheard of for the people of Featherhook. I spoke to the elders and they think it has something to do with the shifting of tectonic plates, but I don't understand their academic mumbo jumbo. I just want my fish! As you may know, there are many caves just beyond the reef (these rocks that I mentioned in the intro) but no one really sails there for fear of crashing on the rocks. And if you walk all the way out there, you better come back before the tide comes in, or you'll get caught. Well, the elders posit that these caves may have cracked open, and the fish that are usually just washing up on our shore, have been pushed into these cracks. I would like the four of you (as representatives of a certain number of the families in this town that we never quite established) to take a small boat or do whatever. Get as close as you can and swim. I don't care how you get out there. The fish are so plentiful there, you could just reach in with your hand and pull out a clown fish! Crush it in your hand to feel like a god! Go up there and see if this shifting has done anything to the caves. However, there is one tiny thing. I need you to take my son with you. He will be mayor when I die, because it's a hereditary position. I want you to take him so he can get his feet wet, as it were. Is that all right?"

15:45 "The Song of Forlorning"

Episode 7: Everyone Dies Stealing a Pickle

Tonight! Four heroes descend into the sewers to retrieve a magical artifact. Can they succeed under the maniacal gaze of the Xanathar? No.

DM - Matthew Lillard Atticus MacMurder (Harengon Rogue) - Seth Green Dewy (Water Genasi Rogue) - Michelle Nguyen Bradley Maxine "Max" Damage (Satyr Warlock) - Noura Ibrahim Pelvis Crusher (Orc Barbarian) - Freddie Wong

The four of you are leaving a party. Last night you each received a message from a Davos Starsong. You each know Davos Starsong as 'the element of force within the Xentarum Network'. He is somebody who has sway and great power in this organization which, each one of you we have previously established ourselves, you have a deep desire to be a part of. He sends you all a message: "Your party of Initiates was very impressive last week. Accomplishing the task presented went a long way towards making a good impression. Just the sort of ingeuity and industry the Xentarum appreciate. Keep it up and you can find yourself as part of a very exclusive club. Dare I say, family. To that end, tonight I shall be sitting at my usual seat at the Yawning Portal. Join me! But only if you are interested in pursuing our relationship. Meet me at the Yawning Portal." Waterdeep is a storybook town. Hundreds of thousands of souls and it feels like a proper metropolis. The Yawning Portal is very famous because it's got within its walls, what looks like a well but is not really a well at all, when you look into it, it's the top part of a tower that descends into Undermount and adventurers from all over the world come to go adventuring in the Undermountain and they've come up full of riches and success, some never return at all. In this particular instance, you walk in, and in the back is a very handsom elven man named Davos Starsong, the man you seek. He sees you come in a raieses a bejeweled hand and waves you over. You see the members of the community watch you as you go and sit down. For the first time ever, each one of you feels like you're being seen. He says: "Thank you for taking my invitation. Welcome to my table. It is a pleasure, my honor to share wine with you." He calls over a small boy who pours you each an amazing chalice of honey mead. "Obviously I have chosen the right collection of adventurers. I must seek your consent, if that's alright. The information I'm about to present to you, the ways and means by which I acquired this, If you were to deny my offer tonight, you would become liabilities. A, how-we-say "a problem".

Episode 6: Everyone Dies in a Den of Snakes

Tonight. Four heroes must defend their village against an invading horde. Can courage and bravery tip the scales in their favor? No.

Cora. Lotus, DM - Jasmine Bhullar Merric Thorngage (Halfling Rogue) - Michale Irby Rattle (Yuan-ti Bard) - Omega Jones Ren "Stick" Casawary (Treant Druid) - Matthew Lillard Syzzmshzz (Dragonborn Artificer) - Anjali Bhimani

We find ourselves in Faerun. In the independent realm known as Najara. A jungle filled to the brim like a chalice overflowing with venom. In the shadow of the ruined city of Serpent's Cowl, Nognegur, a friendly beacon like a lone flickering sputtering dying flame in the endless darkness of the Forest of Wyrms. Eager pink eyes and a mischevious smile adorn the space of your friend Cora, a half-elf, half-yuanti, and you're sitting in the lower branches of a tall tree keeping watch at the edge of the town. "I hear that the great one has left the town with a large retinue of the village's best warriors and they're gonna hold court with the neighbouring Yuanti and see if maybe we can finally come to a peace agreement. I kindof wonder how the negotiations are going and who's gone in. But you know who always has the best gossip! (indicating to Anjali)." "(praying) The negotiations are going well. Our wonderful guardian Naga Zephyr is going to make peace with the neighboring Yuan-ti and then we will not be embroiled by war and violence anymore.

Episode 5: Everyone Dies in Waterdeep

Tonight! Four brave adventurers try to stop evil from overrunning the fabled city of Waterdeep. Can they succeed where others have failed? No.

DM, Vazhra - John Ciccolini Archimedes - Bill Rehor Sentient Greataxe, Arnold "Arnie" (Tortle Bard) - Deborah Ann Woll Jo'Cincko Tardudo (Human Barbarian) - Steve Agee Nehrix (Half Orc Barbarian) - Luis Carazo Suppose (Mountain Dwarf Cleric) - Amy Vorpahl Yeenoghu (BBEG) - Matthew Lillard

You stand in the streets of Waterdeep. The City of Splendors. The crown jewel of the Sword Coast. This city is a bastion of law and order. It's night. You all stand at the base of one of the fabled "Walking Statues", the Honorable Knight. This gargantuan statue stands ninety feet tall. With his shield up and his sword down, staring off into the bay. There is a crowd gathered around waiting for this event that's about to happen. As you stand there, you see eachother, standing side by side. Vazhra: "Once per century, a gate opens at the base of the Honorable Knight and the four Heroes of Destiny are attuned to the gate and they're the only ones who can close it. And the way that they can close it is, once it opens, they have to stay within thirty feet of the gate and stay alive for thirty seconds. This gate will be open soon, but before it does so, I must introduce you to my royal historian and scrivener, who is here to make sure that your great heroic deeds are captured." Vazhra pulls you away from the crowd of folks who want to see this once-in-a-century event and she says, "I have gathered some powerful magical items to help defend the city and I'd like to gift them to you now. She looks at you Nehrix and she says, "To you I gift you the Tattoo of Bravado" and she starts to cast. This tattoo can give inspiration for three companions once a day. "Arnold, I have for you the 'Cape of Naah I Don't Think So' where any hit that you take will become an automatic miss." Jo'Cincko, she pulls you aside and ahe hands you a greataxe and says, "This is a Greataxe of Third Rank (meaning +3) and whenever you strike a fiend with it, it does triple damage."

Episode 4: Everyone Dies Renovating

Tonight! Four new homeowners discover a new tenant that doesn't want to leave. Will their home values drop as the ancient terrors arise? Yes!

DM - Gina DeVivo Elly (Half-Elf Barbarian) - Saige Ryan Marnie (Half-Orc Barbarian) - Aabria Iyengar Mia (Wood Elf Paladin) - Paula Deming Mya (Wood Elf Warlock) - Josephine McAdam Purple Worm (BBEG) - Matthew Lillard

We open on a misty hillside. There are forests lining each side. It is Golden Hour. It steeps our entire scene in a glowy charming light. We see a set of ruins. It's old and abandoned. You're walking along it's grounds taking in its potential, its possibility. Elly, your hand drapes along the wall as you imagine what it could be. As it trails up, we see you daydreaming about your new property. You all sit down on the floor together with a blanket...You sense a small rumble. You hear a snap just beneath your feet.

Episode 3: Everyone Dies on a Lightning Train

Four brave adventurers must free the only person who can stop a war. Will they succeed? Not a chance.

DM (and Gorthax the Barbarian) - Charlie Rehor Bagel the Eagle, The Lord of Blades - Bill Rehor Finley Fardwoggen (Gnome Bard) - Anjali Bhimani Franklin (Clerical Dwarf) - Deborah Ann Woll Samulan Freewalk (Elf Rogue) - Abraham Benrubi Simeon "The Loose? Toulouse?" Freewalk (Elf Rogue) - Matthew Lillard

Our adventure takes place in Eberron, a place of practical magic where elemental forces are used to create technologies like airships and lightning trains. Coincidentally you happen to be on an airship right now, high above a wasteland, and far beneath you is a lightning train running on an elevated rail. In the distance, you see the grey clouds of the Mournelands, all that is left of an entire nation destroyed in the last war. You've been summoned here by a certain "Mr Green" who's promised only adventure and a chance to prevent the next war. You've done nothing for the last couple hours other than sightseeing and there's not much to see, but eventually you are led below decks, deep into the bowels of the ship. In fact you feel the wind rattling the timbers beneath your feet. You're led into a long room and there are two figures in the room. A human fighter with chainmail and a huge sword strapped to his back, and the most enormous eagle you have ever seen, standing behind him. It is almost as tall as a man and it sits there preening its feathers, looking at you. Mr. Green summons you and as he does, he's playing with this strange cube in his hand, and as you take a seat, he loses concentration and accidentally drops it. From it springs a barbarian, six feet tall, with murder in its eyes, with a huge axe and two more axes strapped to its back, and it says, "I rage for meter and verse, for mine is the axe less traveled, and it has made all the difference." As (the barbarian) says that, Mr. Green picks the cube back up, clicks the side, and the barbarian is wooshed back into the cube. "Sorry about that. That was a demonstration of our newest technology, 'A Barbarian in a Box'. It's a key part of our plans, but I will get to it in a minute. It is indeed well that you are here, because the world needs adventurers at this moment. The Lord of Blades, a renegade warforged, and a powerful enemy of peace, has discovered a new weapon in The Mournelands. One that he could use to start 'the next war'. There is one man who could stop him, Professor Drumwit from Forgrave University has discovered his plans and he knows how to stop the machine before the Lord of Blades can start a new war. Unfortunately the Covenant of the Grey Mists has kidnapped him and is holding him in an armored lightning train, which coincidentally is directly below us right now. That's right. I have my proposal here for you. It is a daring rescue. We shall drop from the ship, activating our feather tokens at the last second to land safely on the lightning train. It is indeed dangerous, but they will be writing songs about this day for twenty years and you'll have the satisfaction of stopping the next war. The benefactor, the person who provided the plans, for this dangerous operation and indeed this war eagle, which I have named Bagel, because it rhymes with eagle, has generously offered a sum of 3000 gold pieces per week for this operation Now there are a few things that have come up in our security check of your backgrounds, so I kinda need to clear up before we go on. Brothers, it's a little unclear in our dossier of you, but I need to know the incident about three years ago in Sharn. Something happened on a dark and stormy night involving a loaf of bread, a sack of copper pieces, a mysterious woman from Brieland, and of course a one-eyed newt. Franklin and Finlay Fardwoggen, similar question, but about that night in the Stewing Rabbit Inn, which I believe involved a shovel, one live fish, one dead parrot, eight barrels of whiskey, and half the city guard. Franklin I don't know how you could work with Finlay after this. Frankly, it's all a little sketchy, but here we are, in an airship, above a lightning train, are you ready to have an adventure?

Episode 2: Everyone Dies in a Dungeon

Tonight! The tables have turned and the heroes are the monsters of the dungeon. Will this role-reversal result in a reversal of fortune for our players? No.

DM - Kate Welch Jeffrey "Jeff" (Goblin Barbarian) - Rekha Shankar Pepper Pricklefoot (Goblin Bard) - Jason Charles Miller Piper Pricklefoot (Goblin Bard) - Bonnie Gordon Vermyllion Qamyssa (Goblin Paladin) - Jason Azevedo BBEG: Vashon Dumiete (Human Fighter) - Matthew Lillard

Listen up. You four have been given an incredibly important task today. You are guarding the treasure room in an abandoned fortress in the middle of the woods. That's not what's important. What's important is that the character sheets you have in front of you are not entirely correct. Understand that you are all Level One Goblins. You are in charge of guarding this treasure. It doesn't usually entail to much from you, which is why the four of you are usually on guard duty, because you're level one. There's not a lot you're capable of. People don't usually make it to this part. You can sometimes hear distant sounds of battle, perhaps occaisionally. They really stack the front of this fortress with the good fighters, you know? Usually they're taking care of everything, so there's not a lot of action that's happening in here. However, today. It seems like there's something in the air that might just be a little bit different. You can smell it, maybe. Sure enough, before too long, right after your pathetic breakfast of sticks, one of the scouts (named Sk'lorvik) from the front of the castle comes rushing into this treasure room. "There's an adventurer at the gates! He's not like the other ones, he's huge! And the sword, it's as big as me! I'm sure the guards out front will take care of it, but I just thought you should know. Okay, I'm going back to my post now." Just after Sk'lorvik leaves, a giant bugbear comes charging in after him, "Listen, I know Sk'lorvik came in here and scared the bloody daylights outta you four, but you know you're my favorite. You know this is why I put you here. To keep you safe." Pepper:"I thought you put us here because we're the final bosses. We're the four most powerful warriors in this entire fortress."

Episode 1: Everyone Dies in the Styes

Our group of heroes gathers to save a loved one from an evil secret society, located in the Styes -- a rotting shipyard slum on the outskirts of the city. Can they succeed? No.

DM - John Ciccolini Astar (Fire Genasi Druid) - Jasmine Bhullar Azagoron (Tiefling Barbarian) - Wil Wheaton Mickey the Spy - Wil Wheaton Trixie von Streisand (Loxodon Barbarian) - Clare Grant Karl von Streisand (Trixie's Grandfather) - Seth Green Presto Changeling (Changeling Artificer) - Seth Green Bill Rehor - Sentient Magic Door

We are in The Styes. The Styes is a decaying port town. This is the town where alchemists congregate in order to experiment and dump their waste into the bay. Because they know that here they're not going to be prosecuted for it. So, you all are now standing at the docks. At night. And you're all members of The Harpers. The Harpers is a network of spies that are dedicated to thwarting anyone who abused power. So, you are gathered on the docks here because (Trixie's Grandfather Karl) has a sibling that has been kidnapped, maybe? By a secret society of Tharizdun. Tharizdun is the god of darkness and madness. You've gathered together to try and save Bert. Your Harper contact, whose name is Mickey, has given you the location of the secret Tharizdun temple in the most downtrodden and dangerous docks of The Styes. You're now moving through the Styes and a haze of smoke hangs over the district. You have a map that was given to you by your contact. As you look past this sagging archway, in the darkness, you see a pair of stone double-doors. Marked on these doors is a carved image of a swirling vortex.