Wholesome Green Text

(A 4Chan "green-text", with a picture of SpongeBob and Patrick)

Be me in army

mandatory in my shitty country

first time we noob soldiers fire our guns

we lay in the ground and get ready

drill instructor yells "are you ready?"

i yell back "ai ai captain"

random guy two rows away yells " i cant hear you" drill instructor mad and tries to find out who mocked him

i yell again "oooooo"

random guy shots a rock 10 meters in front of him from laughter ( the target was 300 meter away)

dust rises up and one general runs and screams at drill instructor

we march back to camp 10 kilometers instead of driving

i am attending the "i cant hear you" guy wedding next week

(A 4Chan "green-text", titled "positive dad stories thread", with a picture of Pepe)

be me, 9

own a toy firetruck

god-i-fucking-love-my-fire-truck-.jpg

bring to show and tell

kids make fun of firetruck

go home tell dad

dad tells me not to worry about it

next day

dad wakes me up for drive to school

pass school

"dad where are we going?"

"my friends want to meet you anon"

pull up to firehouse

dad told his firefighter friends what happened

get tour of firehouse and meet real firemen

get to honk real firetruck horn

my-face-when my dad took off work just to make me feel better over some stupid toy truck

(A 4Chan "green-text" with a picture of a Roblox Character dressed in shiny gold clothing)

be me like 12 years ago

someone asks me if I want robux

sure!

whats your password

its "ilovebeatles123321"

they log in

actually fucking get a transaction on my account

they buy me lifetime Outrageous Builders Club

800 Robux as well

literally just log out and then tell me to change my password

I still have no idea how my 13 year old self was not scammed

(A 4Chan "green-text", with a picture of Pepe chuckling)

have two dogs

ask them "who's a good dog!?"

never tell them who

it's them

(A 4Chan "green-text".)

married, with a six year old daughter

wife hates violent video-games and doesn't want me playing them with daughter in same room

my little girl loves some of the violent stuff, but I do draw the line obviously

she absolutely loves, loves, loves Raiden, Sam, and the Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance cast of characters. Mostly likes Raiden and Sam over the rest of them.

get a phone call from school, saying she was in a fight.

have to leave work and address this mess

principal explains to me that she punched a boy who made fun of her, stood over him and said, "Show me a good time, Jack."

I almost, almost started to laugh and had to brush it off like a cough.

had to ball my fist over my mouth, excuse myself.

"Anon, do you have any idea where she learned this?"

"No sir, but I will talk to her about it."

We made it five steps into the parking lot before l lost my shit, imagining my daughter standing over some little shit with her arms spread saying, "Show me a good time, Jack."

got her ice cream, had a heart to heart, and had to play it down when wifey got home

Kids are a treat sometimes.

(A 4Chan "green-text", titled "Altruism", with a close-up photograph of a turtle on the pavement)

Riding bike through town

See something strange on the side of the road

Decide to stop and investigate

It's a turtle tucked into its shell

Hold finger in front of shell

Turtle pokes its head out, sniffs finger, and then retreats back into it's shell

It's a hot day, and there are no bodies of water nearby

There's a river a few miles away, decide to take the turtle there

Ride bike with one hand while holding the turtle

People look at me strangely

Don't care, the turtle is all that matters

Turtle pokes its head out when going fast downhill

Probably the fastest the turtle has ever gone

Finally reach the river

Set the turtle on the shore under some shade

After about 10 seconds the turtle crawls into the water

Looks back at me before submerging and swimming away

Feel more emotion in that moment than I have in the last few years

Despite my mistakes and shortcomings, a creature's life was made better by my existence

Is using our time to help others the real answer?

(A 4Chan "green-text" titled "The elderly is wise", with a black-and-white portrait photograph of an elderly woman staring into the camera)

Be me, lonely guy in Britain

Get in the public transport to get back home

Sit next to a lovely old lady who smiled at me

Have a little talk

She tells me really interesting stuff and we have some laughs together

She tells that this day se would've been celebrating his brother's birthday but he is gone

We keep talking

She tells me a heartwarming advise:

'I could stay indoors and think about bad things, instead, I decide to go outside, see things, smile at people, they smile back at me, there is no point of being sad and angry at home'

Actually I feel like if I listened some sort of prophet

She gets to her stop and leaves, we say Happy Christmas to each other

Elderly deserve respect, I'll probably join as a volunteer to some kind of organisation that helps them.

(A 4Chan "green-text", with a photograph of a lake in the early morning)

be me

22

visiting parents

see younger sister for first time in years

13yo TikTok kid who listens to the same 5 songs

spend day driving around and listening to music with her

have drinks with dad that night

spend night in basement office

room is below hers

hear her listening to a bunch of the songs I played in the truck

I feel accomplished as a big brother.

(A 4Chan "green-text", with a drawing of Pepe driving whilst looking down at a puppy on the passenger seat)

be me

be loser who drives a delivery van all day

work is fucking boring as fuck

get new puppy

puppy is sad when I go to work

have idea

I will take puppy to work with me

Next day put puppy in van

Puppy sits shotgun all day, does not piss or poop in cab

Take puppy to park during lunch break

Puppy waits patiently while I make deliveries

Drive home

Realize work was fun with my little puppy buddy

Have never had this much enjoyment of work

Thank you puppy

(A 4Chan "green-text", with a pencil sketch of a girl looking at a flower)

finals are near

cant concentrate on studying because a lot of stuff in my mind lately

first exam is on thursday, history.

fuck.png

talk to mom

i love my mom

"i used to love history, fem-anon. stayed up until 4am reading everything i could, it's beautiful"

she motivates me to study thanks to her passion

read first topic

hey, this ain't that bad

be thrown aback because dates and weird ass names

mom comes in room

"i made you some roasted chestnuts"

be one of my favourite winter desserts

"continue studying sweetie, good luck! i know u can do it!"

im gonna do this for you mom. im gonna have the greatest grades i can achieve. i love you mom. i'll make you proud, i swear.

(A 4Chan "green-text", with a photograph of a grape vine bearing two luscious bunches of green grapes)

be me

live in california

extremely hot lately

out for a walk because i need exercise

taking dirt path

come across a short Mexican man selling fruit with his son

browse his fruits, they're all ripe and juicy

man and son are both just smiling at me

I realize i don't have my wallet

try to explain that i have no money and start to turn to leave

hear them talking in rapid-fire Spanish

then the man hollers "Senor! quieres uva?"

don't know what "uva" is but i say yes

he hands me a bunch of green grapes like picrel

i try again to say i have no money

then the son says "he know, he say you look hungry" in broken english

thank them over and over

eat the grapes on my walk

literally the best grapes i've ever eaten

if i ever see them again i'm going to pay them 5x the cost of those grapes. thank you senor uva

(A 4Chan "green-text", with a picture of Pepe wearing a blue starry wizard hat and holding a star-topped wand)

at a stop light

light is red

"go green.... NOW"

still red

"go green... NOW"

still red

"go green... NOW"

turns green

my-face-when

(A 4Chan "green-text" titled "Bug Bro", with a photograph of a praying mantis)

15 year old daughter suddenly got an extreme interest in mantises

decide to buy her one

she cares for it like a baby, honestly surprised at her responsibility over her pet

she wants me to hold it but I don't wanna

eventually she wears me down and I do it

the damn thing looks me in the face

when it's not focused on the tricks she makes it do (jump from hand to hand, etc)

daughter tells me it can eat all sorts of meat

what the hell

feed it a piece of steak

IT EATS IT FROM MY HAND

have been bonding with the mantis ever since

I never thought I could get this invested in a bug.

(A 4Chan "green-text" with a picture of Wojak)

my mom left school at 16 due to poverty

never showed much interest in books, music etc

retired last year

has since been reading through all the books I left in boxes at home

her enthusiasm for reading is so pure l feel bad for not enjoying reading that much these days

she kept asking me if I was writing a book and said she could "never do that"

picked up the hint and encouraged her to give it a go, without getting my hopes up

that-feeling-when she sent me a story she wrote about two rabbits who become friends

that-feeling-when it made me cry and feels more honest than anything I've written

How to cope with this feel bros?

l love my mum so much.

(A 4Chan "green-text", with a picture of a seal plushie)

Title: my Christmas experience

be me

an 18 year old autistic kid who likes stuff animals

tell my older brother about these round seal plush toys from japan that are really cute

brother probably not paying too much attention I assumed so I forgot I told him

ast forward to December 25th

brother hands me a flat package

I think it's a shirt or something

I open it up I find a very flattened small version of the seal pillow I told him about

I am very happy and tell him how much I love it

thanks brother

be me

(A 4Chan "green-text", with a picture of Pepe wiping a tear from his eye)

in highschool

decide to give the quiet kid a chance, he seems alright

my friend and i approach him

"hey dude yeah wassup u alright"

he has like no one to talk to he gives in

6 months go by, we are talking like usual

since i like to talk to lots of different people, people always come to talk to me

also, since quiet kid has no one he just kinda sticks by me most times

overtime, we talk less; other people see that he is likeable and hang out with him at school

eventually, we stop talking

no problem, my main intention was for him to have friends anyway

fast forward months later

schools ended

check his instagram story

its him and his friends from our old highschool hanging out

see it quite frequently now

proud of him

mission passed, glad that he actually has friends now

(A 4Chan "green-text", with an image of giga-chad doing a thumbs-up)

Dating a blind girl

All of her friends are blind

Love that she holds my arm when we're out

Love that she eventually got used to my apartment and can now navigate around by herself

Love that her guide dog is super friendly and is always on the job to help her.

Love that her family sees me as a great person because her being blind doesn't bother me

Love that she doesn't use the internet because it's too much hassle

Love that she requests I read new books for her in my voice and record them so she has her own boyfriend audiobook library.

(A 4Chan "green-text", with a picture of Luigi)

be me

9 at the time

playing Luigi's Mansion for the first time

get to the piano ghost melody

develop crush on her

force parents to buy me a keyboard and take me to piano lessons ›eventually get really good at it

fast-forward 3 years

playing the piano at some department store while waiting for my mom to finish shopping

girl from my school sees me

"wow anon i didn't know you played that good"

turns out she's also a piano fag

get her number

fuckyeah.jpg

fast-forward to today

still with her

going to college

probably gonna major in music

my-face-when this all started cuz i had a crush on some ghost bitch from Luigi's Mansion

thanks Luigi

(A 4chan "greentext", with an image of Pepe wearing a pink Wizard's hat)

Be me, sleep deprived DM, half an hour ago

Get startled by phone ringing

It's one of my players

Me: "Dude, it's midnight, you good?"

Friend: "Yeah yeah, sorry if I woke you.

Could I ask for a favor?"

OhGod HeKilled Someone.gif

Me: "Uh, sure? Shoot."

Friend: "My daughter can't sleep, could you tell a quick story over speakerphone? She loves listening to the recordings of our sessions before bed, but I left my laptop at the office so I can't play them."

NaniTheFuck.mp3

Me: "She listens to us to fall asleep?"

Friend: "Yeah, but she really likes your plot and NPC acting bits. She calls you 'dumb dumb mister! Guess Dungeon Master is a bit hard for a preschooler."

Me: "Wow... well, if it will help her sleep, then sure."

Friend: "Thank you! Okay, give me a sec to head back to her room." (pause) "Okay, you're on speaker."

Me: "Hey, [daughters name], it's uncle Anon."

Daughter: (Happy gasp) "Dumb dumb Mister!"

I'veNeverBeenHappierToBeCalledADumbDumb.jpg

Me: "You ready for a story about...(DM IMPROV SKILLS ENGAGE)...the time your daddy and his friends went deep into a cursed temple to save a frost dragon egg?"

Daughter: (Incomprehensible happy squealing noises)

I then proceed to spend nearly 20 min spitballing a story over the phone for the most fascinated little girl until she eventually fell asleep. Friend thanks me for the help and says he'll see me on game night. Lay down in bed, actually feel content and comfortable for once. I should have thanked him.

I am the dumb dumb mister.