[CW: Various Heavy Subject Matter] My fears were... valid?

(All names in this post are fabricated.)

I live in a shitty complex with 6 people total (including me).

I talked about this in a few other posts, but the reason why I had a long, depressing moment where I was excessively job hunting is that I had a mental breakdown, caused by a roommate named John, that left me so distraught that I felt impulsive enough to quit on the spot because I was plotting on ending my life. I did shit like quitting my job without notice and even throwing away some personal belongings to make it truly seem "irreversible." I was feeling so mentally unstable because, to sum it up, this man lashed out at me and got pissed off at me over a baseless accusation of dirtying up the kitchen, which I didn't even do! He had zero evidence to support the idea that I "dirtied up the kitchen", but he still got vehemently angry at me over it anyway.

This was really something I took to heart because it reminded me of some familial trauma. My parents were the kind of people to get mad over me doing things like "fucking up" or "not being responsible enough to be cleanly and take care of things", so John being an asshat in this way triggered a memory of those kinds of incidents. I have a long history of very low self-esteem because I was criticized and even insulted a lot as a kid, and people loved to put me down, hence the trigger from this moment.

Well, I'm bringing this up because I talked to Earl, a roommate of mine who is also black like me and also the only other person living here who is in their 20s, and he told me that he does not interact with John because he knows that he's a terrible person. He told me that John is constantly drunk, high, or some form of intoxicated. Earl states that he's wholeheartedly aware of John’s mental health issues.

John used to have a relationship with a wife and a son, but he now has zero contact with them. He also confirmed my fears that John is a diehard racist. John used the n-word with a hard R right in front of me, with no shame or remorse in him saying it, but he didn't necessarily direct it at me. Either way, being so calm and casual about dropping such an inflammatory slur, especially as a fucking old white man, is obviously a huge red flag. John owns a gun, and Earl told me that he is known to be a convicted felon. Earl also said, by law, John shouldn't be permitted in this residence because of this, but the landlord let it slide regardless.

On top of all of this, there was a roommate that we used to have, named Kyle and also a POC, that recently moved out. Earl told me that he can confirm that Kyle left specifically because of how shitty of a person John was being to him. Recently, a man named Daniel moved in and took Kyle's spot, and Daniel is self-admittedly extremely right-wing. Daniel is AWFUL. He watches right-wing conspiracy theorists and talk show hosts, and he reads news articles from fringe, chuddy websites. He's originally from Spain, and said that he votes right-wing because of the fact that "Muslims and Immigrants ruined [his] country." He said that he dislikes and mistrusts Jewish people, and he even advocated for the belief in Jewish deicide.

Daniel also met a man who is gay, and upon finding out, the first thing he told this gay man is, "Fine, but don't go hitting on me or molesting any children," and he told me this with no shame whatsoever, knowing that I'm very queer (and visibly so as well. I don't come off as too genderqueer because my voice doesn't pass, but I still look androgynous either way. He also knows that I do experience attraction to men because he saw me wearing a pride shirt once and asked about it.) He said to me that he read that the LGBT community is trying to incorporate a "P," standing for p-d-philia, into the acronym and he believes it wholeheartedly it seems.

These white men are so awful (a statement that probably gets uttered a lot), and Earl was really happy to know that I have a new job and I'm gonna be able to work towards getting the fuck out of here, moving to a more peaceful and quality place where I have more isolation, instead of a shitty house with 6 huge rooms having their own bed and bath alongside a shared kitchen. There are also tons of maintenance issues that the landlord refuses to solve or even address, even when pestered about it, and this is one of Earl's biggest complaints.

I'm glad Earl validated my fears because this was a rollercoaster leading to me learn that I'm not wrong to be upset about things! If I get depressed, sad, or worried about something, my gut instinct has typically been "My negativity isn't justified. I just need to 'man up' and get over it." I have been caught in a mindset that I'm such an awful person that nobody who treats me poorly can be wrong because, if I get treated poorly, I defaulted to assuming that I deserve it.

With me being happy about talking to Earl about this, I have started to look into places I can move into, and I will get the fuck outta here as soon as I have enough funds racked up (which honestly won't take long; I have my eyes set on getting the fuck out by September the 1st at the latest).

Florida is truly a circus.