2mo ago

I bought a bra. Help!

Um. So. I've been wearing a lot of tight sweaters recently and starting to show a bit too much nipple, so I bought some bras. Why just now? I guess I felt I didn't really "deserve" one, or I'd be "dressing up", or something, and wanted to wait for a good reason. Or two :3

Anyway, it's super comfortable, the padding really helps with sensitivity, and I looove what it does for my silhouette. BUT. I've been dressing somewhat androgynous up till now to give my hair / face time to catch up, and to me at least this is a big step into "this person is obviously dressing fem (wearing a bra)" territory. Which is kind of scary.

I'm not really sure what I'm asking here, sorry. I like presenting fem; I want to be perceived as fem; but I guess I'm kind of scared I look like a man in drag? Is anybody actually going to notice?

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There is a point where you can't really boy-mode anymore, and I admit that can feel really scary. You could try binding if you really have to keep boy-moding, but I'm not sure this is as mentally healthy as leaning into more feminine presentation (which is more affirming anyway). I guess it depends on whether you have socially transitioned or if you are closeted still.
If you can feminize, here are some ways I've approached feminizing to survive those awkward, early days of HRT:
voice training (e.g. 1, 2),
establishing a daily skin-care routine including wearing sunscreen every day and UV protection (1),
getting eyebrows waxed professionally,
seeing a skilled hairdresser and learning to take care of your hair and style it to look nice every day,
learning how to feminize your face with makeup without looking like you're wearing makeup (e.g. 1, 2),
gaining and losing weight to redistribute fat in feminine patterns,
feminizing your body with certain exercises (e.g. 1, 2),
learning how to shop and dress to accentuate and hide all the right parts of your body (e.g. 1, 2).
Guides / writeups like this can be helpful: https://web.archive.org/web/20230520181719/https://old.reddit.com/r/MtF/comments/13n21h7/my_tips_on_how_to_pass/
There are so many resources it can be a bit of information overload, but as always feel free to ask me anything. ☺️
EDIT: also, congrats - welcome to being a woman! 🤗 ❤️
- Thanks, I think you hit the nail on the head there. I've been coasting a bit recently and this was a bit of a "you're really doing this, right?" moment. Not really trying to boy-mode, but at the same time kind of reluctant to come out to the wider world. Although the idea of not doing it seems worse so... here goes, I guess?
  And thank you for all the links!
  
  It can be really scary, coming out and esp. being so visibly trans, but I promise you it gets easier over time and it won't always be this hard. As the estrogen does its thing your body will change and eventually people will start to see you as a woman even when you're not expecting it. Just give yourself grace and have patience for this process. Beginning to change my voice was also quite anxiety producing for me, as it felt like performing in front of people, but that too gets easier with practice and time.
  It's the worst right now, it only gets better. ❤️

If you're trying to hide it, be careful with fabrics you wear, some will show straps and other things. Though if you want to hide it, you might be better off with a sports bra. But really, layers are your friend. Maybe consider an undershirt or wear a jacket/hoodie. But also keep in mind that if you notice a change in silhouette, others may as well. But anyway, congrats on the milestone.
- Thanks, that makes sense.

I mean it depends on who you are worried will notice.
- Good point. I don't even really know... so probably not a very rational fear.

I have B cups and I've not seen any weird looks from strangers yet ¯(ツ)/¯
- Hehe, that's encouraging.

I will say that voice training definitely pays off, especially if you dress androgynous. About a month into using a fem voice full time, I tried to boymode while traveling, but totally failed. Even though I wasn't on e, hadn't shaved, and wore baggy casual clothes, I was seen as a woman.
A big part is that I couldn't get myself to use a masc voice. It had become automatic. I would start sentences in a fem voice and then struggle to make it masc as I talked. It also didn't help that I felt terrible while trying to do the masc voice. My hair and voice just made me seem like a tomboy.
We are bad judges of how we are perceived, as we have preconceptions that override reality. The people who knew you before are actually less likely to update the gender they see you as without being told to. Strangers will see you as a woman, while your neighbor might not have a clue if they never see you in a dress. I'd recommend finding situations where no one knows you, but you'd be relatively safe. You might eventually learn that you cannot pass as male anymore.
- Thanks for the reassurance! Yeah, voice is an interesting one. I'm using my new voice all the time now (similarly, I just can't stand to go back), although it's still a bit hit-and-miss, and wanders around a lot from day to day as I try out different things. Reactions have ranged from warmer tones and smiles from strangers, to "your voice is different" from people I meet occasionally, and "what do you mean, voice training? Your voice is the same as always" from people I work with. Sadly (?) there isn't a sir/ma'am distinction here like there is in English, so it's difficult to know how people perceive me.
  Anyway, I went to an on-site event (including people I'm not explicitly out to) the other day in at least fem-adjacent wear with not-very-subtle bra bumps, and didn't get any awkward questions or comments. So I'm going to assume it's all in my head and keep pushing my comfort boundaries.

I'm not saying not to use bras, but if nips are the concern, another option is pasties which just go over the nipples. I think that's what they're called. You also might find them more comfortable if you don't need the support a bra provides. Or you might just find them weird. Worth a look, anyway.
- I can't help but imagine 1920s cabaret shows when I think of pasties, but that's an interesting idea. Thanks!

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