2w ago

Report: Average Male 4,000% Less Effective In Fights Than They Imagine

theonion.com Report: Average Male 4,000% Less Effective In Fights Than They Imagine

WASHINGTON—Contradicting the long-held belief that they would just go off and destroy anyone who tried to mess with them, a Department of Health and Human Services report published Thursday revealed that U.S. males would be on average 4,000 percent less effective in a fight than they imagine. “Despi...

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Having punched someone in the nose before, it's way more painful to yourself than you'd think. My knuckles were bruised and then I cried because of all the adrenaline so really, 0/10 would not recommend unless you have a very good reason.
- Every action has an equal and opposite reaction, or, "Why boxing does more brain damage when they wear gloves."
- The only self-defense training that I had emphasized that you smash an assailant's nose with the palm/heel of your hand, in an upward motion from below. Never having practiced, I very much doubt I could execute that move in a real confrontation.

It's true: I was attacked by a road-rager a couple of months ago, and I surprised myself by being unwilling to hit the guy back even after he punched me in the face, for fear of further escalation. Not gonna lie: I was more disappointed than proud of myself, even though I'm pretty sure I made the more responsible decision.
I was also surprised that it didn't hurt nearly as much as I expected. Maybe the other guy was 4000% less effective than he imagined too, LOL.
- Honestly it sounds like you made the right decision. As long as the guy wasn't causing you much harm, sounds like nothing lost other than a bit of pride. Had you escalated it, who knows what would have happened.
  
  Yeah, but that doesn't mean I'm happy about it!
- if someone approaches your drivers door, turn the wheel all the way to the right, (or left for rhd) put the car in reverse, let them open the door and oopsie your foot slipped off the brake and hit the gas.
- Male faces are evolved to handle getting hit. Also your adrenaline would have caused you to barely feel anything in the moment.
  Edit: this is what I remembered reading about this, turns out it was ten years ago: https://www.cbc.ca/news/science/men-s-faces-evolved-to-be-punched-study-suggests-1.2670756
  
  If it's a legitimate fight, the male body has ways to try to shut the whole thing down. /s
  
  That study has an insane jump to conclusion considering that they just studied
  1 The skulls of early hominins — human relatives — called australopiths that lived around four million years ago. 2 The injuries of modern humans who show up in the hospital emergency room after a fight.
  I do like the idea that the reason we evolved to humans and not a different species is because we made a fight club.

Chances are good that I will hurt myself somehow.
- ...we found that in the event of an actual violent altercation, most adult men would almost certainly injure themselves far worse than any assailant
  Yup, that tracks.
  
  People that have never punched a face can't be ready for what it is actually like. My ring-finger has a 2in scar down to the bone just from teeth on a glancing hit. Getting stitched up later, when they found out it was from a human mouth they said they really had to deep clean it....as in pull it apart and SCRUB IT, before suturing the wound.

I occasionally have fights in my dreams, using old martial arts skills I haven't used in reality in like a decade. I'd imagine I'd be just as slow and ineffectual irl lol. You win every fight you avoid having

Shit, even the couch wins if I kick it with just a bit of force.
- Well....former Cleveland Browns quarterback Tim Couch may not still play, but I imagine he's probably still a pretty beefy boy. Probably shouldn't kick him.
  Edit: realized I never actually typed his name, which is the whole basis for the joke. Without the name my reply makes NO sense...

That's really bad if true because in my dreams I can only punch in slow motion
- Sounds like your dream self has gotten the truth of it!

Luckily I’m not average 😏
- So 6000% less effective
  
  More like 15000%. Somebody’s gotta rep that 3rd deviation
- Only 4 inches, eh?
  
  lol, that’s impossibly big

Something something I'm a navy seals with 100 tours of duty something

Everybody needs that humbling experince when you spar with someone thats an actual boxer and youre dying while they arent even paying attention.
- I watched a old fat conservative man angrily yell at some teens at a strip mall and he got winded after yelling.

I used to fight all the time (just a violent kid) and even then, getting gassed out happens so fast and damaging strikes are so hit-or-miss it is wild. You could be landing body blows all day, then one lucky elbow accident hits you in the face and it is sleepy time and they can stomp your face unopposed. I have seen fights go in the most bizarre directions off lucky hits and random body issues. As someone that has officially trained, it is still just so much effort, when you get up to just 2 or 3 people coming at you, even with training, that is a walk away moment. Before I learned how to actually fight, I was 100% certain I know how to fight. It is worth being humbled.

Uh oh, my fight plan is to cry/beg like MacGruber. Being 4,000 times less effective than that means I'd end up devolving into an actual jellyfish.

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