The Onion
- I turned the Click hole diversity video into a series of gifs
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- Free speech enthusiast now up to three boycotts a weeknewsthump.com Free speech enthusiast now up to three boycotts a week
A man who is a staunch believer in free speech after spending the last four years bemoaning cancel culture, is now up to three boycotts a week because of things people said.
A man who is a staunch believer in free speech after spending the last four years bemoaning cancel culture, is now up to three boycotts a week because of people saying things he didn’t like.
- Closeted Republican Politicians Breathe Sigh of Relief as X Makes Likes Privatethehardtimes.net Closeted Republican Politicians Breathe Sigh of Relief as X Makes Likes Private
Closeted Republican politicians across the country breathed a collective sigh of relief following Elon Musk’s announcement that likes on X will no longer be public, multiple sources reported.
- Texas to Celebrate 25th Anniversary of “The Green Mile” by Executing 25 Innocent Peoplethehardtimes.net Texas to Celebrate 25th Anniversary of “The Green Mile” by Executing 25 Innocent People
Government officials in Texas announced their state will pay homage to the iconic film “The Green Mile” on the 25th anniversary of its release by executing 25 completely innocent people.
- Tesla Announces Plan To Add Up-Skirt Cameras On All Vehicleswww.theonion.com Tesla Announces Plan To Add Up-Skirt Cameras On All Vehicles
AUSTIN, TX—Crediting himself for the electric vehicle company’s latest innovation, CEO Elon Musk announced a plan Friday to add up-skirt cameras on all new Tesla vehicles. “There will be one interior camera mounted near the brake pedal in addition to several external up-skirt cameras to capture foot...
- House of Commons takes action to ensure foreign state interference stops getting in way of domestic corporate interferencewww.thebeaverton.com House of Commons takes action to ensure foreign state interference stops getting in way of domestic corporate interference
"Canada is not for sale to foreign governments. Canada is now, and has always been, for sale to mining companies, agricultural conglomerates, and the American hedge funds who own most of our news media.”
>“Prime Minister Trudeau and I don’t agree on much, but we do agree that Canada is not for sale to foreign governments,” opposition leader Pierre Poilievre said. “Canada is now, and has always been, for sale to mining companies, agricultural conglomerates, and the American hedge funds who own most of our news media.”
- Study Finds Midnight Is Perfect Time for Cat to Do 14 Laps of Room Really Fastreductress.com Study Finds Midnight Is Perfect Time for Cat to Do 14 Laps of Room Really Fast
A new study out of Yale University that will certainly have ramifications for felines across the globe confirms that midnight is the perfect time for your cat to do 14 laps of your bedroom really, really fast, especially if you are asleep. “It’s important for a domestic cat to get a certain
- ‘Our housekeeper only worked two days a week’, Rishi Sunak outlines a childhood filled with hardshipnewsthump.com ‘Our housekeeper only worked two days a week’, Rishi Sunak outlines a childhood filled with hardship
Rishi Sunak has sought to endear himself to the voting public by explaining that, just like you, he had to go without things as a child.
- Guy Who Hates Taylor Swift Finally Hears One of Her Songsthehardtimes.net Guy Who Hates Taylor Swift Finally Hears One of Her Songs
Longtime Taylor Swift condemner Harris Simmons finally got around to hearing one of the famous pop singer’s songs, despite years of calling her “the worst thing to happen to music since the Spice Girls.”
- “You Got This” Assures Father Who Doesn’t Know How To Help with His Son’s Algebra Homework
In a scene not too uncommon in today’s world, local dad Alan Devlin reassured his high school son, Keith, with an enthusiastic “You got this!” to cover for having absolutely no idea how to help him with his Algebra homework.
Keith, a sophomore at Quadratic High, initially welcomed his dad’s encouragement. “At first, I thought he was just trying to boost my confidence,” Keith said. "But then I realized he had absolutely no clue what he was talking about when he started using phrases like “x equals whatever you want it to be” and “Try dividing by zero.”
Read the rest of the satire news article here on TattletaleTimes.com
- Hunter Biden withdraws from Presidential race following felony convictionnewsthump.com Hunter Biden withdraws from Presidential race following felony conviction
Joe Biden’s son Hunter has officially withdrawn from the race to become President of the United States following his felony conviction for gun offences.
Joe Biden’s son Hunter has officially withdrawn from the race to become President of the United States following his felony conviction for gun offences.
Many right-wing commentators have long speculated what a felony conviction for Hunter Biden could mean for the political prospects of the Biden family, and Hunter has spoken publicly to put an end to all such speculation.
He told reporters, “Although I plan to appeal, I respect the judicial processes in the country, and the rule of law, and as such, I think it would bring shame on this great nation to have a convicted felon running for President – which is why today I announce that I have no intention of running for President, or any office for that matter.
“It would make a mockery of our democracy if I were to try and become President having just been judged to be a felon by a jury of my peers. How would we look on the world stage? I would have zero credibility outside of my own crazy supporters. That is no way to lead a nation.
“No, that can not happen – and I don’t care if this puts an end to my own personal political ambitions, I must do what is right for this country. And that means reluctantly stepping away from frontline politics.
“My father, of course, will continue his career in politics, because he’s not a felon, and only ill-informed imbeciles will blame him for the actions of his son.”
“Remember to vote in November!”
- Guy Envious of Coworker Too Stupid to Have His Soul Crushed By Companythehardtimes.net Guy Envious of Coworker Too Stupid to Have His Soul Crushed By Company
George Quinn, a quality control operator for local gas cap manufacturer Babaco, recently realized the amount of sheer envy he had for a coworker who is simply too stupid to have every ounce of happiness in his life crushed by their employer, several grouchy sources report.
- Congress Passes Opioid Crisis Legislation After Addict Cousin Steals Their Xboxwww.theonion.com Congress Passes Opioid Crisis Legislation After Addict Cousin Steals Their Xbox
WASHINGTON—Calling the theft a profound wake-up call amid a nationwide epidemic of drug abuse, Congress passed bipartisan legislation to address the opioid crisis Wednesday after their addict cousin Clem stole their Xbox Series X. “Today, we stand up and say enough is enough to our fentanyl-abusi...
- Grandfather’s Eyes Light Up While Describing Memories Of Old Country Buffetwww.theonion.com Grandfather’s Eyes Light Up While Describing Memories Of Old Country Buffet
ARLINGTON HEIGHTS, IL—Describing the serene smile that spread across the 87-year-old’s face, sources reported that local grandfather Murray Lowe’s eyes lit up Wednesday as he recalled his halcyon days as a regular at his town’s Old Country Buffet. “There was a sparkle in his eyes as he talked of al...
- 6 Signs The Exterminator You Hired Is On The Bugs’ Sideclickhole.com 6 Signs The Exterminator You Hired Is On The Bugs’ Side
If you’re a homeowner, nothing is more unsettling than a bug infestation. But the anxieties of having thousands of creepy crawlies living in your walls…
- Nvidia to Rebrand as "Nvidai" in Bold Move to Cement AI Dominance
Santa Clara, CA — In a move that's already sending shockwaves through the tech industry, Nvidia announced today that it will be rebranding to "Nvidai" to better reflect its integral role in the artificial intelligence (AI) revolution.
"We've been at the forefront of AI development for years," said Jensen Huang, CEO of the newly christened Nvidai, in a press conference that featured holographic projections of the company’s latest AI models. "It's only fitting that our name reflects our commitment to this groundbreaking technology. Plus, it sounds cooler."
The change comes as Nvidai continues to dominate the AI hardware market with its state-of-the-art GPUs, which have become essential for training and deploying complex machine learning models. "Frankly, we're tired of people thinking our name is just a clever abbreviation for 'Nifty Video Interface, Duh,'" Huang quipped. "It's time to set the record straight."
Reactions from the tech community have been mixed. Elon Musk, CEO of Tesla and SpaceX, tweeted, "Great move by Nvidai. Now they just need to change 'GeForce' to 'AIForce' and they'll be set. #brandinggenius." Meanwhile, Intel's CEO was reportedly seen scribbling potential new names for his company, including "IntellAI" and "InteLLigence."
Despite the excitement, the rebranding effort has not been without its challenges. Early reports indicate that the transition has caused some confusion among consumers. One Twitter user lamented, "Just bought a brand new 'Nvidai' graphics card, and now my rig won't stop trying to pass the Turing Test. Send help."
However, Huang remains optimistic. "This is just the beginning," he said, hinting at future product lines that will feature AI-enhanced everything—from gaming experiences that adapt in real-time to your skill level, to AI-powered GPUs that can predict the stock market. "We're not just Nvidia anymore. We're NvidAI. The future is here, and it's got a neural network."
As the company embarks on this new chapter, tech enthusiasts worldwide are left to ponder one pressing question: how do you even pronounce "Nvidai"?
- Trump Just One Indictment Away From Free Hoagie in Courthouse Commissarythehardtimes.net Trump Just One Indictment Away From Free Hoagie in Courthouse Commissary
Former President Donald Trump announced that he is now just one indictment away from receiving a free, six-inch hoagie from the federal courthouse commissary.
- National Anti-Corruption Commission rules that some corruption is cool actuallychaser.com.au National Anti-Corruption Commission rules that some corruption is cool actually – The Chaser
"Do you know how much evidence we were sent about Robo-debt? Investigating that would be way too much work."
- New President of Mexico Warns of Remorseless Criminals North of Borderwww.borowitzreport.com New President of Mexico Warns of Remorseless Criminals North of Border
“These criminals attack judges, pay off witnesses, and seek to undermine the rule of law,” she said.
- CEO Relieved AI Can Never Replace Him If He Already Contributes Nothing To Companywww.theonion.com CEO Relieved AI Can Never Replace Him If He Already Contributes Nothing To Company
NEW YORK—Expressing confidence that the new technology wasn’t a threat, FinCorp Solutions CEO Charles Markham reportedly expressed relief Wednesday that artificial intelligence could never replace him if he already contributed nothing to the company. “I actually don’t do anything, so there’s nothing...
- Cult Leader Not Even Charismaticwww.theonion.com Cult Leader Not Even Charismatic
NEW YORK—Baffled by the woman’s sway over her millions of acolytes, sources confirmed Monday that local cult leader Taylor Swift, 34, was not even charismatic. “Typically, the cult leaders I study are highly persuasive individuals with magnetic personalities—Ms. Swift, however, presents a unique cas...
- Senate Passes Emergency Border Funding To Prevent Female Leadership From Spreading To U.S.www.theonion.com Senate Passes Emergency Border Funding To Prevent Female Leadership From Spreading To U.S.
WASHINGTON—Saying threats were at record levels after the recent presidential election in Mexico, the Senate passed emergency border funding Monday to prevent female leadership from spreading to the United States. “Given the very disturbing trend of empowerment and gender equality currently developi...
- ‘Money Isn't Everything,' Says Person Who Has Itreductress.com ‘Money Isn't Everything,' Says Person Who Has It
In a completely unsurprising story out of Manhattan, NY, the words “money isn’t everything” were just spoken at brunch by someone who, conveniently, has lots of it. “Who cares about money! Live your life!” said Paige Murphy, who quite obviously cares about money seeing as she hoards it, and
In a completely unsurprising story out of Manhattan, NY, the words “money isn’t everything” were just spoken at brunch by someone who, conveniently, has lots of it.
- Tragedy Strikes After Malfunctioning Wind Turbine Spills Wind All Over Farmer’s Fieldthehardtimes.net Tragedy Strikes After Malfunctioning Wind Turbine Spills Wind All Over Farmer’s Field
An environmental catastrophe devastated a local farmer’s field after a malfunctioning wind turbine caused a dangerous amount of wind to spill everywhere.
- Jimmy Carter Becomes Second President Convicted Of Felony For Sticking Up Waffle Housewww.theonion.com Jimmy Carter Becomes Second President Convicted Of Felony For Sticking Up Waffle House
PLAINS, GA—On the heels of Donald Trump receiving guilty verdicts on 34 felony counts in New York, Jimmy Carter became the second president ever convicted of a crime Friday after a jury found he broke numerous laws while sticking up a Waffle House near his home in Georgia. “Today’s verdict shows tha...
- John Fetterman Staff Confirm Senator Has Successfully Respeced Entire Characterhard-drive.net John Fetterman Staff Confirm Senator Has Successfully Respeced Entire Character
WASHINGTON – Members of John Fetterman’s staff confirmed today that the Pennsylvania senator has successfully completed a total re-speccing of his entire character, including his…
WASHINGTON – Members of John Fetterman’s staff confirmed today that the Pennsylvania senator has successfully completed a total re-speccing of his entire character, including his personality, policies, and collection of ill-fitted gym shorts.
“It was just time to try something new,” one junior staffer said. “You play one way for a while then all of sudden you want something a little more aggressive, a little more range-y. Go heavy on the bombs.”
The changes have been abrupt, showing DC politics allows for almost complete ground up rebuilds mid-game.
“You pick a character thinking it’s one thing, but it might completely change,” one voter said. “It’s exciting but I think it breaks the game. What’s the point of choosing if they can just change it all later?”
Fetterman was defiant in his decision.
“I’m no longer a progressive,” Fetterman said. “I also don’t use a 2-handed mace anymore. Doing a whole different thing – watched a bunch of YouTube videos to get the strongest build. No Woke Mind Virus or infect spell casts at all really.”
As of press time Fetterman staff confirmed that although the senator would be wiping all of his progressive skilltree to rebuild, he was unable to change his Ogre race.
- Man who spent three years screaming “Lock Her Up!” suddenly against the criminalisation of politiciansnewsthump.com Man who spent three years screaming “Lock Her Up!” suddenly against the criminalisation of politicians
Having high-profile politicians punished for their crimes is ‘un-American’ according to one Trump fan who spent almost three years screaming ‘Lock Her Up!’ on every social m…
- MAGA Supporter Intentionally Gets Another Felony DWI Charge in Solidarity With Trumpthehardtimes.net MAGA Supporter Intentionally Gets Another Felony DWI Charge in Solidarity With Trump
Staunch MAGA Republican and binge-drinker Justin Brently decided to show his unwavering support for Donald Trump after his recent felony conviction by adding to his already large list of aggravated DWI charges.
- Local Angler Unimpressed by Son’s Tiny Catch
In local news, a man’s reaction to his six-year-old son’s excitement over catching a six-inch bluegill has raised eyebrows in the community. Despite the child’s genuine joy and enthusiasm at reeling in his first catch, the father expressed disappointment, considering it a “pathetic” accomplishment.
Sources close to the situation reported that the father muttered, “Big deal, anyone can catch a bluegill. They’re practically brain-dead and will bite anything you throw at them, even a bare hook. It’s not like he caught a trophy bass or anything worth bragging about.”
Read the rest of the satire news article on TattletaleTimes.com
- Nation Shrugs After Hearing Trump Guilty Verdict, Unpauses ‘MILF Manor’www.theonion.com Nation Shrugs After Hearing Trump Guilty Verdict, Unpauses ‘MILF Manor’
NEW YORK—In the wake of the landmark trial that made him the first person to both serve as president of the United States and be convicted of a felony, the entire nation reportedly shrugged Thursday after hearing about the 34 guilty charges for Donald J. Trump and then unpaused the most recent episo...
- U.S. Army Recruiter Has Bound, Gagged Civilian That Teen Can Shoot Right Now If He Enlistswww.theonion.com U.S. Army Recruiter Has Bound, Gagged Civilian That Teen Can Shoot Right Now If He Enlists
KERRVILLE, TX—Offering an added incentive in the hopes of enticing the young man to sign up for the military, U.S. Army recruiter Henry “Tex” Teevens revealed during a job fair Thursday that he had a bound, gagged civilian that 18-year-old Milo Carnes could shoot right now if he enlisted. “Yeah, bud...
- Samuel Alito: ‘I Tried To Take The Flag Down, But My Wife Hit Me. She Hits Me Every Night’www.theonion.com Samuel Alito: ‘I Tried To Take The Flag Down, But My Wife Hit Me. She Hits Me Every Night’
WASHINGTON—Casting blame on his wife for the controversial flag that flew outside his home, Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito told reporters Thursday that he tried to take it down, but Martha-Ann Alito, 70, hit him, and she hits him “every night.” “As soon as I saw it, I asked my wife to take it do...
- Ticketmaster Hacker Demands $500K Ransom (Plus $300K Ransom Processing Fee, $220K Ransom Handling Fee)theshovel.com.au Ticketmaster Hacker Demands $500K Ransom (Plus $300K Ransom Processing Fee, $220K Ransom Handling Fee) — The Shovel
In a note posted online (which Ticketmaster was told they could print at home for a small $600,000 fee) the group ShinyHunters said they would release the 1.3 terabytes customer data as soon as the ransom was paid.
- Pope Francis Offered Three Netflix Stand-Up Specials Following Use of Gay Slurthehardtimes.net Pope Francis Offered Three Netflix Stand-Up Specials Following Use of Gay Slur
Pope Francis is reportedly in talks with executives at Netflix to film three exclusive stand-up comedy specials after His Holiness used a homophobic slur during closed-door discussions with bishops last week.
