Privacy Recommendations for a Young Teen

My friends dumbass 12 year old kid was told he wouldn't be given access to any social media until he was at least 16. He claimed he understood, and then proceeded to make an Instagram account with his real name and started sending pervy messages to various insta thott accounts.

Basically as a parent you have to give them access to very limited apps and make them repeatedly demonstrate they won't misuse them. Then as they get older, assuming they don't do anything stupid or illegal, training wheels gradually come off.

If you're considering life360, you've already lost the privacy game.

There are different levels of privacy to consider.

Apps: limit number of apps or essential only. Many have built-in trackers for developer kickbacks. Even developers don't know the full extent of how the data is used.

Device settings: harden the phone by checking all the privacy settings. Install an ad/tracker blocking VPN app.

Evesdroppers: Your phone is a radio transmitter. Companies know this. Your mobile company may have privacy settings and track phones independently of any device settings or app. Also, bluetooth loggers are placed around high traffic areas, such as stores, to record precise location and movement. Disabling wifi, Bluetooth, or Mobile may be considered depending on level of privacy paranoia*.

There may be some privacy respecting tracking options (well, as a family anyway) over on the selfhosted lemmy community if you're ready to go down that rabbit hole.

•It's not paranoia if it's real.

You can't stop them but you can help them learn to make good choices on their own.

We gave our oldest a basic feature flip-phone when he started Middle School, mainly so he could text and coordinate pickups. In 7th grade, we gave him a smartphone because he was going on a class trip to DC and the kids were encouraged to take pictures and share. At home, we made it a rule that the phone had to be plugged into charger in our bedroom to avoid bedtime disruption.

That same year I created social media accounts for him on every service, mainly to reserve his username. But they were all blocked using parental controls, based on advice from school. We also had software/hardware from Circle (now Aura: https://meetcircle.com/) that blocked access on wifi and cell and capped usage.

In high school, when he turned 16, as part of his birthday gift, we gave him an envelope with his own non-school email account, and all the links and passwords for social media accounts. We also took away all the filter blocks. Figured he was mature enough without feeling left out.

It really worked out well. Later, he asked to put usage limits back on so he would be forced to put it down and go to sleep.

The first and best measures are not only privacy apps, but a good security education, explaining well the risks and a correct use of the mobile. The biggest segurity hole is ignorance. You can't avoid with apps the missuse of the Phone by an teen with nonsense in the head. Establishing a strict Kiosk mode on the mobile is not the right way. A localisation app is of course a good idea, also InviZible Pro with permanent enabled DNScrypt is a good protection

I think authoritarianism is a giant mistake and only creates duplicitous behavior. In my opinion tracking is ridiculous. None of us existed like this and ended up fine. In my opinion, all of this nonsense is acting as a stand in for relationships and real parenting. Humans make decisions and develop ethics based upon trust and autonomy. By stealing that factor of trust and autonomy, and replacing it with authoritarianism a parent is stunting the child's growth of independent ethics and character. Make compelling discussions of why they should do whatever thing, but let them decide their own path. The lack of compelling discussions and real trust that requires risk is a major factor in the problems that exist in the present world.

The one time you actually need to know where your kid is at because something has happened, you will not know because you have taught them that the only path to independence is to turn off the device and put it into a Faraday cage like pouch, or someone else will do so. If you have a fundamentally trusting relationship with open dialog and respect for their autonomy, they will tell you openly exactly where they are going and any potential for danger. If you can handle that information without allowing anxiety to overwhelm reasoning skills, you will be in a far better position to help them if something bad happens.

The most long term valuable aspect of schooling is the development of one's social network and connections, along with the habits and ethics. The actual information learned is rather limited in valuable application in the end. Who one knows and how one appears to others is of far more value than what one knows. For these reasons, there may be value in corporate social media. Simply teach the kid to understand how these places are both a trap and a tool. A trap, in that many of the smartest humans are manipulating users in ways that are nearly impossible for the users to escape. Never invest emotions into such a trap. Use the tool if needed for external social benefits, but use it as a manipulation tool with a layer of disconnect from who you really are. Teach them to use a work profile to isolate any apps from their device. That is just how I look at the issue.

I know this isn't directly answering your question and that lots of people will disagree with me on this but unfortunately I think the best option at the moment is to just not let kids go online. The supposed social and educational benefits and the relief from peer pressure/FOMO just don't justify the damage to their future mental health and understanding of identity.

I'm not personally confronted by this yet because mine are still too young, so take my view for what it is.

I'm a millennial and remember a few kids when I was growing up who didn't have a TV because their parents weren't comfortable with the brainrot, even back then. That was thirty years ago and those kids are now successful and confident people, living full lives. And nobody even really noticed at the time that they were the odd ones out because they didn't watch TV. They are more 'functional' than the rest of us.

Things are way more intense now. The people who work for social media companies won't let their kids on it, which I think says it all.

It's a shame that the internet as a whole has become what it is because it has/had a lot of positive potential. But even the more ethical and neutral parts of it get infected by the pathological culture and addictive format that has emerged from it. Just look at the judgement and antagonism that you often see here on Lemmy for example. Not to mention the loneliness.

Personally, right now, I would look for a solution that isn't a smartphone but that's just me.

Congrats for waiting this long - many parents don't.

Honestly, this will depend on your child. If they are prone to addictive or obsessive behaviour, a smart phone will only amplify the tendancy. We already know how hard it is for adults to put down their phones for any length of time, and kids typically have less will power.

That said - digital communication is an important part of most people's lives now. If all her friends are using a particular app to communicate, they will "need" it too. Some parental controls would be good for the first phone -- which apps get installed, etc. Just be prepared to unlock most of them. ;-)

You might want a phone "lockbox" at home to ensure they turn off. Hopefully the school is strict about phone usage and etiquette too - it can help.

Proton VPN, RethinkDNS are two good things to get.

Or if you can pay, Proton unlimited, which comes with a lot of stuff from proton, and NextDNS

Just make sure they know anything they put on these big tech platforms are there forever, regardless of what claims they make about “disappearing messages” etc. Do your best to guide them towards encrypted services for their own protection. As much as I hate this, iPhones are a decent recommendation in the US since almost every young person uses iMessage as the default, and that has end to end encryption available. Work to inform them on the dangers of corporate spying and profiling, as well as data leaks and security, and let them have some sovereignty over their platforms. Keeping an eye on them is good; isolating them from important modern social circles isn’t. Inform and educate first and foremost

My opinion generally aligns with those who are saying to talk with them so they have a better understanding and don't try to be overly strict with parental controls and such.

What I do want to add and don't see in other comments is that if you want tracking software, you can set up fmd locator. It uses contact whitelisting so if they get a specific text from a whitelisted contact it will automatically text back their location. It isn't for the use case of constant tracking to see if they're sneaking out or whatever but if you want something that's more trust based location sharing.

If you scroll down to where this reply will end up:

Iphone is the right place to start. The parental controls are well thought out and have enough granularity for almost anyone and “find my” works great along with location sharing.

They have a bunch of built in privacy, mental health and use monitoring stuff so the person with the phone can use that themselves too.

It’s the most normal person phone there is so no chance they’ll be embarrassed or feel left out and because the platform is so common (assuming USA because “grades”) you’ll have an easy time coordinating with other parents and sharing how you’re dealing with stuff as they grow.

Good luck.

iPhone. Parental controls.

The goal here is to make sure they can be safe online, by telling them to watch what they say, don't post personal info publicly or send it to strangers. Don't try to control what they do online, because it won't work. Banning them from using platforms like instagram when all their friends are using it is just going to make them the weird kid. I don't know if they explicitly support account limits for kids, but there are digital wellbeing tools that let you set warnings and limits on apps.

I also wouldn't use any tracking tools outside the family location sharing. And I wouldn't give anyone else access to it, like their grandparents, unless there's a need, like it's just them and the grandparents on a trip.