How do you guys cope?

My partner has had to remind me many times that my disabilities are actually disabling. No matter how hard I try, I'll never be able to the same tasks as a neurotypical person.
Sometimes just slowing down and working within your limits can drastically improve your symptoms. I find that my symptoms are at their worst when I'm pushing myself too hard, and can go away almost completely if I've been resting properly for a few weeks. This is fairly rare because I still haven't learnt to actually rest.
I'm also seeking medication to help, but it could take a long time to get anything. I'm also prepared for the possibility that the medication isn't the single solution to all my problems.
I wish you the best in your endeavours. You're not alone.
- Thanks for the well wishes. I can't shake the feeling pf being embarassed about adhd.. when I was a kid the adults always said it was an excuse, kids just needed more spankings/punishments. I'm at an age where I understand myself more than back then, I want to be helped by my wife, but it for me is almost Impossible to bring myself to speak with her about it.

What is brain scarring? I'm 40 and was diagnosed with ADHD at 37 or 38. Where I used to be passionate about things, that spot has been filled with passive suicidality. No matter what, I can't seem to will myself to do anything anymore. Habits I know will help me seem to fizzle before I can feel better doing them.
Having ADHD sucks for getting tasks done, but when the whole process of bettering yourself or your surroundings feels pointless, the only result is to wait to die, I guess. I hate this world.
- Brain scarring is what I call it, it's from healed lacerations on my brain, had a few really rough TBI's in my mid 20's.
  I fully understand that, I have an immense feeling of dread at any moment I'm not around my wife or kids. I think about only death and past mistakes. When I dream it's of my dead ex wife, just really disturbing things. I think you and I both over due for a trip to a Psychologist.

Medication for me has been a life-changer, it sucks that you don't even get that option. But medicine isn't the only tool available, and it doesn't always get me all the way to a good mental state.
For those days where meds aren't available, or I need a bit of extra support, body doubling does the trick. Having someone else work alongside you, not even on the same tasks, get me focused and motivated and productive. I clean much better if a friend is on their laptop answering emails in the same room, and I focus more easily on work with someone else in the office. It works on video or phone calls as well, when you need to Finish That Thing, put on headphones and call someone and chitchat while getting started and the rest of the call can be almost silent. Though this works best with more mindless tasks. For focusing task a muted video call can do the trick, that way you can glance up and see the other person working but not have to focus on answering questions, and you can even have music on simultaneously.
Speaking of music: music is super powerful. Energetic music can make you energetic, happy music you can sing along to makes you happy, and music with a steady beat but no or very uncomplicated/discreet vocals help me keep focused, particularly when listening to others in online meetings or doing complicated brainy tasks.
Physical activity is another big one. Back in school the days we had to attend in person I would use every break (and ask for extra breaks if the time ran on) to run up and down the stairs, or take a very brisk walk a few laps around the block. Now I have a walking pad in front of the computer so I never have to sit down and get stuck. Running or resistance training daily or every other day, and every other form of workout, is popular with ADHDers for a reason - moving around and tiring out our bodies also tires out the hyperactivity in the mind and makes it easier to focus. If you can get out into nature that also does a lot to get the brain working, like having a phone meeting while taking a walk in the park/forest.
And finally: accept that you have specific needs and that you function when those needs are met. It can be taking more frequent breaks, making sure to eat something every three hours, asking for time extensions on tests, working with headphones, body doubling and asking for help, setting timers to remember to have a hydration break (drink water and pee), drawing on your mirrors with whiteboard markers to remember if you've brushed your teeth, etc...
There's a lot you can do to improve your situation even without medication.
- Thanks for writing this all out for me. I must admit it took me a couple attempts to read it all. 🙈
  The body doubleing for me is almost Impossible. My wife and kids are always doing things that distract me more than help. I am also hit with 20+ questions every 30 minutes from a 10 year old and 5 year old. 😅
  If I don't forget where my coffee is then I'm in a good spot, but as far as hydrating, I'm usually running on dry.
  I've tried teas and quiting coffee, thought that might help, but it made me more stressed thus making my adhd go Hulk on my brain
  
  "The body doubleing for me is almost Impossible. My wife and kids are always doing things that distract me more than help. I am also hit with 20+ questions every 30 minutes from a 10 year old and 5 year old. 😅"
  Yep I feel that in my bones, I have no real solution for you but when I'm in trouble I just make it clear to kids and wife that I'm overwhelmed, and do what I can.

Exercise makes a big difference for me. Running outside is where I find the biggest impact. Something about the repetitive motion, being in a different, constantly changing environment and time to myself helps me center myself, and helps even afterwards (usually a day or two.) I know running isn't for everyone, but you might try some sort of exercise that you enjoy.
I also have a standing desk and recently got a cheap walking treadmill that can move under it or out of the way, and those sometimes help when I'm finding it impossible to focus. I realize the treadmill isn't accessible to everyone, but I've literally made a standing desk out of boxes a couple times, if you want to just give it a try.
I know that neither of these are guaranteed, but might be worth a try to see if they help a bit. Good luck and I hope you find some things that help a bit.
- I can confirm that I a lot more capable after a good run. Like I can do hard things.
  Lifting weights also feels good, but I feel that more in my body than my mind.
- Running is one of my hobbies, I just on auto pilot, I use the time to over think everything in my life 😅😅😅
  
  Yes, I know what you mean! I often say that running is my meditation.

My 2 pennies - forget positive affirmation. Don't believe people that tell you that you can make it work if you change your attitude.
You sound depressed. Failing all the time will do that.
You need to explore your limits thoroughly and stay chill when you fail. Treat it as an experiment. Once you have a solid grasp of exactly what you can and cannot do, then you can start setting goals for yourself.
Experiment with every cognitive aiding technique you can find. Keep looking for new ones.
Dont worry about tasks or goals, just focus on you. You are the task, you are the goal.

Everyone is totally different when it comes to medication I find. I tried the stimulant types myself and they ended up overwhelming me and giving me very bad anxiety if I wasn't able to get tasks completed.
I switched to a non-stimulant version and definitely don't feel any of the same things I used to feel.
I'm just trying to iterate that meds aren't always perfect even when they are an option.
I think for the most part though, my biggest help has been knowing I have ADHD and just having to learn to give myself breaks when I need it and not be so hard on myself when I'm not able to push myself to complete certain tasks.
ADHD is amazing when you find something you're so interested and passionate about, however those things can sometimes be few and far between and you can't expect your brain to behave in a neurotypical manner in those other instances. Don't hold yourself to unreasonable standards.

I use a calendar and reminders constantly. For everything. Anytime someone says something I need to remember, I whip out my phone and create a calendar event or a reminder right then and there.
- I use a plain notebook as my calendar / quarterly / weekly agenda. I've used a couple different solutions and this one works best for me. Plus it's more fun to do by hand.
  But more to your point, the important part, I think, is that everything goes to the same place. Whether that's a notebook, app, or agenda. Just stick to one thing.
  The second part is keeping your promises to yourself. But that's a habit of a lifetime…
  
  I have tried so many methods of writing stuff down. I always either lose said thing, or forget about it all together
  
  I like the idea of using a notebook and using my phone less. I’ll give it a shot.

Caffeine and weed.
But also, accepting that your brain is what it is. Don't fight it. Find ways to work with it.
Some ideas.
Wherever you have a pile of something, put a basket. I used to have one laundry basket and it would end up unused, with piles of clothes all over the floor in lots of different rooms. Now I have three laundry baskets and no piles.
When it comes to putting things away, make it easy to put away, but hard to take out. If you make it hard to put away, you won't put it away and you'll probably lose it.
Reminders are only useful if you don't ignore them. If you catch yourself ignoring reminders, change how the reminders come in, or change how the reminder sound. I'm on my third sound for my medication reminders. Switching it up helps.

I have many mechanisms some work sometimes some work other times. I always carry a notebook and pencil and write everything down. Shopping, todo, where I Parker my car, etc etc.
Medication is a god send when it comes to studying. Chugging coffee helps as a way to start a task. I use nicotine to apply pavlovian conditioning to myself. Good sleep hygiene is incredibly necessary (doesn't always work but helps). I write a todo list for tasks for the next day before I go to bed. I deleted almost all social media cos its pure addiction.
I turned off notifications for almost everything except direct messages. I have a scheduled do not disturb for sleep and work etc.
I avoid losing things by giving them 1 specific place that said thing belongs and its either in its place or in my hand.
I have other strategies but I can't remember them rn.
- I'm going to attempt to copy your habits, but will probably forget to.
  I always try to have a place for everything, but with my wife and 3 kids, that is just a dream right out of fingers reach.
- I've developed the exact same strategies that you named. Life still feels so damn hard. Looking forward to getting on medication.

See 2nd half of the post for some tips.
I'm going to echo what some others said: medication is usually effective and often so much so it feels like cheating. I know you've mentioned it's impossible to get it where you live, but it's very likely you are wrong about it:
Several years ago I moved back to my home country (Poland) only to learn that according to local regulation there is no such thing as an adult with ADHD. They reluctantly admit that ADHD exists, but only as a childhood condition. On top of that most doctors don't like or straight up won't prescribe anything psychoactive, even antidepressants. It took me a while to find a doctor that would prescribe me the meds I need, only to learn that what I was taking for years was not available in the country, so every 3 months I've had to go through entire target import procedure to get 90 days worth of pills.
It's hard to get those meds in many countries, but people who need them and manage to get them share their experiences. Do some searching and you might find some help.
General tips:
try to do small tasks immediately when you learn you have to do something
if you can't do something immediately write it down. anything not done or written down immediately has been cast into the void ;-)
always carry a notepad and something to write on you
increase friction of switching to something else. Sit down at an empty desk to do work, so you have to get up to do something else. Keep your phone in a pocket with a zipper, so you have to unzip it to take it out
minimize impact. I tend to put down whatever I'm holding if distracted and completely forget where I put it, so I put an easily accessible catch-all bowl in every room. Most of the time I only have check the bowls
routine is your friend, it makes it harder to get sidetracked and increases the part of your life that happens on autopilot
if you see you are getting things done keep the flow going. don't reward yourself with a break until you are ready do nothing productive for the rest of the day
Working at a desk/on a computer:
remove absolutely everything from your desk that you can. ideally it's mouse, keyboard, monitor. avoid having any snacks on the desk too.
if you have people walking around you or behind your screen move or try to block them. A cubicle is surprisingly ADHD friendly
block sound distractions. listening to regular music might not be a good fit here, but myNoise or focus@will works great for me
phone in a pocket/purse. notifications off. if it has to be on the desk put it as far to the side as possible and screen down
if you have people at work who are constant distractions have a serious conversation with them. after that conversation every time they interrupt what you are doing make sure to remind them: "I told you it's going to take me half an hour to focus again, please be more mindful of that"
disable all notifications and if you have to have them enabled set up filters to minimize what you see. Surprisingly in most workplaces checking you email 1-3 times a day is more than enough

CBD helped me for a while, tons of digital timers, to-do lists, and calendar appointments, but what really changed things for me was meds. What is your reason for wanting to avoid meds?
I am on the lowest possible dose of the only non-stimulant ADHD medication (Stratera a.k.a. Atomoxetine). All it did was tame the brain squirrels but I am still me.
- I'm not avoiding meds, in fact I'd buy them off the streets if I could. My family doctor is into herbal treatments and old wives tales. Here it's pretty hard to find someone that isn't that way.
  
  Try out things that have stimulant effects: caffeine, exercise, horror movies. Your brain is wired for crisis and you can handle things well when in crisis...the problem is it you chase that, you have a high risk of burnout if you don't plan down time.

Sending love from another part of the world my friend, not being able to get actual medical care for a debilitating issue sounds miserable 🫂

I self medicate with booze and drugs. No, it's not healthy or doing me any favors.
A past version of me was doing heavy resistance exercise and cycling 4 days a week. That was the absolute best medicine ever. It made me so clear and calm.
- Sounds like we both need to get back on the bike. Good luck to you man.

Cacao is really good for dopamine. There are studies on this. Regular dark chocolate doesn't cut it though.
- Wait a minute, is this true? Like, is it really that good for dopamine? Cause I tend to go insane without some kind of chocolate everyday (or I might be simply trying to find excuses for my crippling chocolate cravings...)
  
  If you're eating regular chocolate i think it's indeed just sugar cravings 😂 I feel you there. But yeah it doesn't make a monumental difference since we do have a disorder but it helps noticeably! I think we should all be consuming it daily.
- I didn't know that, but I usually eat 70-80% cacao bare xD
  
  Oh good! Me too :) well, I eat 85% pure but it's not a competition lol

I just don't really care. Don't need to be "functional" if you don't expect to do anything much. I'm just happy with whatever :)
Also I do finish things. Just with lots of interruptions and forgetting in between.