1d ago

Is it generally safe to be openly gender non-conforming in big cities? I'm tired of hiding in the closet.

I (22M) grew up in a rural-adjacent suburb where the culture was complete dogwater. My dad openly fantasized about committing violence against minority groups ever since I was a young child, and he constantly threatened to kill me if I ever turned out to be gay. The public school I went to was full of bullies who singled me out for being emotional and therefore easy to pick on.

I never turned out to be gay, but I did turn out to be very gentle and emotional. In my natural state, I want to be sweet and caring and talk in a higher-pitched, softer manner. I love cute things, I love making people happy, and I love fantasizing about big strong women who will protect and care for me.

I have had very few opportunities to express myself. Various factors like disabilities and my older brother surveilling me in K-12 school (by using my bullies as a spy network to report every weird thing I did) made it impossible to express myself without being abused at home for it.

In recent years, I have been able to spend some limited time on my own without constant surveillance. The people I've talked to, typically from chatting with people at various appointments I've been dropped off at, seem to have a very laissez-faire "be yourself" attitude and don't seem very interested in persecuting weirdos like me. One of them even corrected me for accidentally saying something politically incorrect. This wasn't even that close to the city—this was adjacent to the new suburbs that my family moved to recently.

Still, it's hard to shake off a decade of paranoia about getting found out and beaten for being, in my dad's words, a "pansy". I keep stopping myself from expressing any kind of emotion in public for fear of what will happen to me. Tomorrow is the first time I get to visit my city proper, which is said to be fairly progressive and has big pride parades every year (around 1 million people turn out). And yet, I keep telling myself that I can't because some fascist goon could be watching and signal to all of the other fascist goons to jump me.

Is it safe to just be me now, or do I still have to be very careful about when and where to express myself? I'm so tired, honestly. I just want to be allowed to exist for once in my life.

37 comments

it gets better, don't let other people ruin your self... West Coast big cities will treat you like a dime a dozen and you will probably find big groups of like-minded people. Even in my city which is more conservative has a good sized alternative scene.
i wish you the best friend

I came from a midwest city of ~400k people that was surrounded by small towns. It was a culture shock when I came to the Bay Area and all the servers at a cafe had tattoos and piercings (this was 20 years ago; the midwest has caught up with this). When I lived in the midwest, they made me take my earrings out to deliver pizza.
Big cities are absolutely more accepting of diversity. You said yourself that the Pride parade is pretty large. Go get a feel for things. You don't have to have some transformational sense of acceptance. It might happen slowly due to the years of repression (but maybe it's right away, which would be awesome). I'm happy that you're looking for where you fit well because there are definitely those spaces. Good luck!

I’d say in the U.S., no one will even notice in New Orleans, San Francisco, Los Angeles, Miami, maybe Chicago and NYC but a place like Dallas or Jacksonville would be less tolerant. A place in the northeast like Boston or DC would be culturally less permissive but you’d be safe. They’re tolerant but have a puritan history (Boston) or are culturally sort of conformist (DC), for lack of a better term. DC is very much not hostile but it’s small-c conservative in the sense that everyone wears suits to work and it’s not counter-culture.
I live in New Orleans and am cishet — so don’t take my word for it — but even my “boring” high school friends own multiple dresses because of Mardi Gras and Red Dress Run and events like that. No one cares about gender conformity here but drive more than a hour away and it can get unsafe quick.
I can’t speak for coastal California but I’ve been there a bunch and it seems similar. No one is even gonna notice in San Francisco. It’s just expensive as fuck.
Most urban centers — especially coastal ones — are pretty chill about it in 2025, I would say. But you should ask residents. New Orleans and San Francisco are, in my experience, not even going to notice. But most cities aren’t actively hostile. If you prefer suburban life, I’d look at college towns.
- Definitely Chicago. We're a very queer-friendly city!

Which city in which country? TBH I'd be wary about being openly GNC anywhere in the USA right now, but even there there are degrees to this.
- Central Ohio, the general Columbus area.
  
  I lived in Cincinnati over a decade ago and back then they were accepting of different people. Columbus is 3x the size so you should generally be fine. Just be aware of who you are spending your time with, and you are likely safer in numbers.
  
  I grew up in Ohio, lived in NYC, and now live in the PNW.
  Ohio is bad, as a whole, about bigotry. Very bad.
  Urban areas will always be more tolerant, on average, than their rural neighbors.
  But a semi-rural area in a blue state might be more tolerant, on average, than an urban area in a red state.
  Columbus is one of the most tolerant areas in Ohio, because of The Ohio State University and the educated, young community it fosters.
  But things get bad pretty quickly as you move further away from the college areas.
  My recommendation: you are more likely to find your people - the family you choose to have, whoever they are - in your new area. However, there are still significant risks to being completely open, including things getting back to your family.
  Find the people who correct bigotry or misgendering, etc, and learn how to be yourself around them. When you are ready, you can either confront your family and become an outspoken lgbtqa+ ally, or peace the fuck out to somewhere better :)
  
  Red states? Probably not. Seattle, Portland, San Francisco, Los Angeles? Sure.
  
  Im not trans or queer in any way, so maybe im not the best person to answer this, but i think the answer is a hard NO. Even if it might be safe now, if shit goes bad, you will want to have as little info as possible out there that could be used to identify you as trans/queer. I would go beyond that and recommend this, imo very insightful, article.
  https://www.damemagazine.com/2025/04/29/why-i-am-leaving-the-usa/
  
  I don’t think you would have nearly as much trouble in Columbus as you would anywhere else in Ohio. It’s certainly where I’ve felt the most comfortable. They also host the Arnold Classic every year which is an amazing fitness and exercise expo. Lots of muscle daddies and mommies from all over the world show up for this and it’s a really fun time for people of all walks of life.
  Nowhere is truly free of idiots and bigots. And rural folks will come into town for their different events. But most of the time they’re going to be on better behavior when they’re not in their natural environment.
  In most red states the cities are little blue islands. Many people with non traditional modalities urbanize to escape the repressive beliefs of small towns. Austin has an amazing gay / trans community and they’re in Texas.

Depends on the city. I live in San Francisco, and honestly I see almost as many gender nonconforming people out and about as I do gender conforming. There are trans flags waving all over the place. A few years ago a bunch of Trumpers tried to have a rally in Oakland and people threw stuff at them until they left lol
- I'm in Oakland and have a trans flag hanging in my office window. Gotta support my friends.

Come to London, most people won't even give you a second glance, zero fucks given
- That goes for knifings too
  
  Overrated nonsense in the newspapers... I've lived and worked in and around London my entire life and never seen a knife outside of a restaurant.
  You're probably in more danger from that edge you're displaying.
  
  While on average assaults and violent crime are lower in Budapest, I'm not sure that that will hold true when comparing the experience of gender non-conforming folks in those cities.

I think yes, generally it is more acceptable in bigger cities to "be yourself" than it is in rural areas. I believe that's because it's simply more diverse when you have more people, so you tend to grow up to be more accepting, most of the time, not always.
I (33F) grew up in a big city and moved out to the country as an adult, and the differences that you see, I also see. I was raised to love and accept everyone for who they are and now I'm surrounded by co-workers and neighbors who are consistently just waiting for the brown people to leave the room so they can talk shit and be mean. Its disgusting and I hate it here.
- Yeah I think nowhere will be 100% free of bigots that think the world revolves around them. But the way I see it, it's just easier to disappear into the crowd in cities. You're going to be seeing and walking past a hundred different faces in a day.
  Whereas in a small town or village, you're going to be seeing the same people over and over. And those same people you'll be seeing over and over usually consist of pearl clutching retirees and people that barely ever left their home town in their lives and who live in a small world (but of course still think they know everything about everything). And to your point, those kinds of people tend to think that their specific culture is the default and 'normal' and that everyone else in the world is wrong and a heretic.
  As someone that is dying to be more GNC on a daily basis, I know that I'm not comfortable in this small town where even the hobos down the road know me personally by now.

In my city is not safe to be gender conforming. The queer gangs rove at night.
- I would watch this movie.
  
  Good news:
  https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Warriors_(film)
- That's what my estrogen dealer told me as well

In the US? I'd say it's pretty safe to be a little gender nonconforming unless you're really out in the sticks. If you were properly nonbinary I would be a little more careful, but still most people will live and let live.
As a trans person, we have a lot more to fear from the federal government than from our neighbors, at least in ~80% of the country.
- I find that completely shocking.
  When I lived in the south I knew 150% that as a brown person the only hope I had for safety and any human rights was from the federal government.

I get that you're worried, but you should be honest with yourself: Even if it's not safe (which I don't know since I'm not from the US), do you want to keep on this mask that you clearly despise for the rest of your life? Life is full of trade-offs, and as far as I can gather from your post this trade-off is worth it even if fascist goons do want to jump you (which I doubt because there are many more jumpable targets in US cities).

As a trans person who just escaped NYC, not in the US. Even in a "blue" city (though NYC is run by Trumpers).
It used to be safe but it's only getting worse by the day

Lots of people saying it is not safe. Don't let that stop you being you, there are still lots of people being their true selves, find them and you will be fine.

Los Angeles New Orleans Las Vegas New York San Francisco

37 comments