Aotearoa Daily Kōrero 26/10/2023
Aotearoa Daily Kōrero 26/10/2023
Welcome to today’s daily kōrero!
Anyone can make the thread, first in first served. If you are here on a day and there’s no daily thread, feel free to create it!
Anyway, it’s just a chance to talk about your day, what you have planned, what you have done, etc.
So, how’s it going?
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Thought for the day.
How much time do you spend on positive friend relationships?
I am quite introverted; so I kind of default to spending time alone when I have time to myself. But in the last few years I have been specifically trying to spend my free time with people doing things we like to do.
Community is really important.
Not much and I need to spend more. All my friends are extremely long term so I don't need to do much to keep the relationship. I am trying to make new friends and they would probably require more regular effort maybe talking on a weekly basis.
Absolutely zero. I'm 57 and all my close friends don't live in NZ. That means I only really have work acquaintances, which aren't real friends (as nice as they are).
Sure there is the occasional beer here and there, but that's about it.So I surround myself with my hobbies. I have a lathe, a milling machine, and a ton of tools. I make stuff, I fix stuff ( for me and other people). I also have my bicycles, so when I'm not in my workshop I'm out on one of my mountain bikes (not electric! I like to pedal). I like my own company.
But, jeez, it would be nice to have a close mate nearby. I only have myself to blame for not trying harder, which leads me to the problem I have... My personal feeling is I fear others will see my trying to make friends as a sign of desperation. How can he get to 57 and not have friends? He must be creepy....
So I ride a bike. Then I wash it. Then have a beer. LOL
But are you creepy?
I'm 43, I realised that is I didn't put some effort in, I'd not have any friends close by.
You sound like are interesting character, join your local mountain bike club. The club here in taupo is very active with members of all ages. I'm sure wherever you are there will be a club.
Your interest in engineering will give you a lot to talk about.
Wife says I'm not creepy. I don't think I'm creepy.
You're right. I should join a club.
Not enough, especially since covid. I know it's really good for me but I find it hard to do, partly because most of my remaining friends are where I used to live or scattered around, partly because losing the ability to socialise like a normal person has gradually given me social anxiety and I know I have little to offer most people.
But I know spending time with friends is really good for the spirit. Thanks for today's thought. It's a good reminder.
These days, zero. I'm not sure why exactly, maybe it's because I've become older, or maybe I just don't have the social energy anymore, or maybe I've just become jaded and came to realize I'm probably not cut out for friendships.
It's not like I didn't try mind you, I've been to several of those Reddit meetups over the years, but in the end, nothing happened. Don't get me wrong, I did meet some good people there, we had interesting conversations and it was generally a good time, but nothing ever materialized into an actual friendship. In fact, I think I regressed further into my shell instead of getting better - my last Reddit meetup (which was about an year ago I think) was such a disaster for me. After greeting a few familiar faces and a few new ones and making some small talk, I found myself isolated, sitting all by myself despite being in the middle of a crowd. After what felt like an eternity of awkward isolation, I couldn't bear it any longer and just walked away. Haven't been to a single meetup since then.
Despite that setback, I still hadn't given up on the idea of making friends. I joined an NZ Discord server which was made specifically for making friends. It was a nice place, had the occasional dramas of course, but mostly fun - we had jackbox games, movie nights, question of the days, and discussions centered around various topics etc. Several IRL meetups were organized too, but I couldn't find the motivation to go to any of them. One of my issues was that most of the people there were quite young (mainly in their early 20s, with even some teens thrown into the mix)... and I just didn't see myself fitting in. We were at different phases of life and on different wavelengths. I felt like I was forcing myself to fit in, like that "fellow kids" meme.
Well, there was one guy who was my age, who is now a mod/admin there and is deeply involved in growing the community - we even have some similar interests like computers and stuff - but somehow, I just can't find the motivation to meet up with him. In fact, I haven't even been active in that community for several months now - at first I had a legit excuse being that I wanted to concentrate on my job search etc, but now, even though I have a job and I'm settled down, I just don't have the motivation to go back to that community any more.
So I've come to realize that maybe I just like the idea of having friends, but in reality, I can't commit to the effort it requires to making and maintaining friendships. I think I value my own personal time more. I mean, given a choice between going to an event to meet up with potential friends v/s staying at home and reading a book, 9/10 times I'd prefer the latter. But even if I do choose to go out and meet up, it always remains a casual affair, so in the end it's just another way to pass time - which I can just as well do at home, right? To clarify, even now I'm not against the idea of meeting up with new people, it's just that I can't think of it as anything else other than just passing time, and have given up on the idea that it could eventually turn into a friendship. As a result, I've now basically stopped trying actively look for friends, and have left it up to fate. I've acknowledged that I can't be arsed to put effort into it, but if it happens, it happens, if it doesn't, then no big deal I guess.
I think trying to "force" the friendship thing is really hard. I'm no expert on interpersonal relationships, but having a pre-existing shared interest is great for starting the ball rolling.
e.g. I play D&D and have new friends from that, we don't have other things we do together yet, but there could be something there.
You mention books, join a book club, or start one with some acquaintances. Have a monthly meetup to discuss the book and have a nice cup of tea.
One thing I'd like to add from personal experience - is that there definitely is a bit of a wall in doing something. Whether that be making plans and physically going out to meet existing friends, or putting yourself out there to meet someone new (maybe like your mod/admin example).
But I've found that once I get past that hurdle, I usually end up having a good time and end up thinking to myself "That wasn't so bad was it - should have done it sooner" (Though I'll go through the same cycle the next time round lol).
Oh, that's generally the case with me as well. My problem is that I've become cynical and now see it as a waste of time, because I know in the end nothing will change. I've been to countless such meetups over the years and I'm tired of setting up false expectations each time. I'm tired of investing so much time into nothing, tired of trying to force myself to fit in and being who I'm not.
Do it because you enjoy it, not because you have expectations of what should happen after. Nothing has to change from you investing the time, just go to have a good time on the day.
Definitely. If any long term relationships come out of you meeting people, that should almost be treated like the exception (I feel thats actually rarer than people generally think - especially as we get out of school etc), not the expectation
I think it's ok to go out, have a good time, and not have to expect friendships to have to happen. And personally I prefer one on one, so you don't end up with all the conversation happening without you. But one on one socialisation requires a certain level of gelling between you.
Do you feel lonely? If not, I don't see why you need to try to force interactions. If you would prefer a good book then so be it, as long as that's what actually makes you happy.
There was a post on reddit some years ago where someone logged their mood each day using a grid. I'm not sure if this started something or just brought it to my attention but there are apps that help you do this. In the past I've used one called Pixels. I see there's a more basic one on f-droid as well called MyMood. One of the benefits of Pixels is you can record emotions alongside the how you're feeling emoji scale (😞🙁😐🙂😄). Personally I find a check in like this helpful, and if I'm in need of social interaction it can help me identify it.
If you are happier with the book, then I don't think that's a problem. But if you would rather be socialising but just can't get youself to do it, it might be depression or something else, and you should chat with your doctor.
I think this reply may be more self reflection than specific to your comment but it is what it is.
I don't actually feel lonely nor do I have a deep need for social interaction, and I'm fairly certain I'm not depressed or anything.
It's a couple of things - the first being jealousy, ie when I speak to my family or other acquaintances and they talk about how they had a great time with their friends, like how my mum is still in touch with some of her childhood friends and caught up with them, or how my cousin went to Bali with his friends or something like that - I can't help but feel jealous when I hear such stories and have thoughts like "would be nice if I had some friends I could go on a road trip with".
The second being having someone in your life you can count on, to have your back or to help you out when you need it. Like I really struggled when I got covid, there were some days where I couldn't even get up from bed - and at that time, I really wished that I had some friends who could drop off medicines and necessities. That experience also made me worried for my future - how would I manage on my own when I get older and am less able? Maybe I should start looking into retirement homes and saving up for it... and the thought of such a life made me a bit sad.
I have heard solo traveling is far better than travelling with friends, so say experienced travellers I know.
In terms of people you can rely on, do you have family that live nearby? Your new job might be a good opportunity to get familiar with colleagues and see who lives close to you. You don't need to be BFFs, most people would be happy to pick up some meds for you if you lived nearby. Also get to know your neighbours. It might be awkward to ask for the help, but most people are willing to go a little out of their way to help so long as you ask nicely and don't ask too often.
In terms of retirement, I have heard you can buy permanent rooms on cruise ships and live there until you die...
Over the years I've worked with lots of cool people, and I regularly have coffee or lunch with some that I'm closer to, and drinks with groups of people who get on well together.
I'm generally quite introverted but enjoy socialising in short bursts, so it works well for me. Having kids is helpful as an excuse for after work drinks because I can say I'll come for the first hour but then need to get home to help with kid's bed time.
I remember reading on reddit a few years back that people who had moved here found it weird how little interaction kiwis have with their friends, and how little socialising colleagues did even when they got on well, so these days I make a special effort.
I think I read the same post....
I have two D&D groups that I'm part of now, we meet monthly and I started rock climbing again (after a almost 20 year break) weekly. So my social interaction outside of work has increased significantly in the past two years especially.
Before that once I got time away from the family, I'd go to a movie alone, or read a book in a quite area by myself.
I recently started playing D&D again (after a break of around 30 years!)... it's a lot of fun, and good from a social point of view, without having to worry much about small talk or keeping a conversation going. And it's cool that D&D/TTRPG has become a bit more widely accepted these days. When I played at high school, it was definitely confined to the complete outcasts (like me)
It is good that TTRPG is a more accepted thing. There is more interest then in the past and mostly I find people care less about others are into these days.
Maybe that is societal progress.....
I'm usually quite introverted unless it's someone I'm already close with.
I've recently entered my 30's and never really like going out to town for a booze up.
So ever since Uni ended, I've seen myself go out less and less, and spend more and more time at home with my partner doing something together, or working on one of my hobbies. I think moving in with my partner was a big shift - as I really didn't feel the need to regularly go out.
Might go out once a fortnight? to meet some friends in a small group or one-on-one. I'm pretty content with that - though I don't have a large social group.
I'm definitely a small group kind of guy; even when I'm in a situation with lots of people, I don't really want to be the center of attention. I much prefer to have a more interesting conversation than a bunch of smaller shallower conversations.
I find it fairly easy to make "casual" friends, and I have a few different things I do to catch up with people. Not so easy to make good friends, and the close friends I have I don't get around to seeing too often (everyone's pretty busy)....
Group chats can be quite a cool thing these days if you manage to get some going... I've got a group of friends in various places around the world who I chat with on Signal...
The transition from casual friends to close friends is hard.
Signal groups are great I have a bunch of them with my family and friends.
I am trying to spend more, but I would be lucky to have a once per week outing with friends. That comes with the territory of being a single parent and working full time.
Covid kinda messed me up. Barely keeping in touch with anyone, wasting away the days. And then it's hard even now to get back to socialising.
After having ADHD diagnosis and being put on meds it's easier. I think half of my introversion was just because my mind wouldn't shut up. It's hard to be social in that state.
I'm definitely not turning into an extroverted party animal, most of the things I love doing are introverted by nature. I'm starting to get to know a few familiar faces while mountain biking which is nice.
I intend to get back into biking more; it has been a while. With our youngest being just past 2 now, sleeping is happening more so my energy levels are returning to normal.
Congrats, it's great to get past that part. It's basically all downhill from here.