Report: Pokémon League Suppressed Concussion Research
Report: Pokémon League Suppressed Concussion Research
Administrators at the Pokémon League conspired to suppress research that showed Pokémon battling could lead to long-term neurological trauma.
INDIGO PLATEAU — An independent investigation has confirmed that high-level administrators at the Pokémon League conspired to suppress research that showed Pokémon battling could lead to long-term neurological trauma.
“It is clear that the league intentionally directed internal teams not to pursue research that could hurt the popularity of their sport,” said Pallet Town’s Professor Oak at a press conference. “They also had a chilling effect on independent scientists by threatening legal action and offering bribes, both direct and indirect. My colleague Professor Kukui recently finished a paper showing that successive critical hits have a compounding effect on a Pokémon’s cognitive ability. Then the league approached him with an offer to expand into Alola. That paper was never published.”
Pokémon League representatives deny the report’s claims.
“The health of our trainers’ Pokémon is and always has been our primary concern,” said Charles Goodshow, head of the league’s competition committee. “Why do you think we set up all those Pokémon centers around the world? Do you think it’s cheap to support a vast network of free healthcare facilities that instantly heal all of a Pokémon’s physical wounds so that they can get right back into the fight? Of course it isn’t, but it’s a price we’re willing to pay so that the show can go on.”
Many trainers across the world were both unsurprised and unconcerned with the findings in the report.
“It seems pretty obvious to me that some of these moves would have lasting effects,” said Ethan Silver, a champion trainer from the Johto region. “Even things like Headbutt would clearly be a concussion risk, and that’s to say nothing of moves where Pokémon wield immense elemental powers as though they were gods. I don’t think it’s that big of a deal, though. These creatures may be shortening their lives, but they’re trading that for a chance to be immortalized in the Pokémon League Hall of Fame. That seems worth the risk to me.”
At press time, newly released television ratings for the Pokémon League showed that the report had no effect on viewership.
link: https://hard-drive.net/hd/video-games/report-pokemon-league-suppressed-concussion-research/
At press time, newly released television ratings for the Pokémon League showed that the report had no effect on viewership.
too real
I think this is my favorite post on lemmy
The weirdest thing I ever read in Professor Oak's voice
Hey guys, did you know that in terms of male human and female Pokémon breeding, Vaporeon is the most compatible Pokémon for humans? Not only are they in the field egg group, which is mostly comprised of mammals, Vaporeon are an average of 3”03’ tall and 63.9 pounds, this means they’re large enough to be able handle human dicks, and with their impressive Base Stats for HP and access to Acid Armor, you can be rough with one. Due to their mostly water based biology, there’s no doubt in my mind that an aroused Vaporeon would be incredibly wet, so wet that you could easily have sex with one for hours without getting sore. They can also learn the moves Attract, Baby-Doll Eyes, Captivate, Charm, and Tail Whip, along with not having fur to hide nipples, so it’d be incredibly easy for one to get you in the mood. With their abilities Water Absorb and Hydration, they can easily recover from fatigue with enough water. No other Pokémon comes close to this level of compatibility. Also, fun fact, if you pull out enough, you can make your Vaporeon turn white. Vaporeon is literally built for human dick. Ungodly defense stat+high HP pool+Acid Armor means it can take cock all day, all shapes and sizes and still come for more
I wonder if they fund the evil teams so it looks like there's a need to be able to battle.
I wonder if they just started out with a story about the NFL and then just literally swapped ‘NFL’ out for ‘Pokémon League’, then just let it grow from there.
It's time the League is held responsible for the health and safety of all participants!