Should I (38/f) tell my best friend (37/f) that her decision hurt my feelings?
Should I (38/f) tell my best friend (37/f) that her decision hurt my feelings?
One of the good things about lemmy is that I'm positive my friend won't find this post.
Hey lemmy. My best friend and I have been close since we met back in high school, circa 2002. We lived a few blocks away from each other, kept in touch across the country during college, and even lived together for a few years after college. We've traveled overseas together, been through many break ups together. She was a solid rock for me when my fiance and I had a traumatic split 4 years ago.
She got married legally two years ago, and their wedding is finally happening this upcoming spring. I've been so excited along with her. We've talked our whole friendship about being there for all the fun stuff for our weddings, and I've been doing all the maid-of-honor stuff since she asked me to be hers.
She was initially depressed about dress shopping since she assumed no one would be able to go, including her mother, who has really bad travel/directional anxiety. We're all in different states.
I asked her why she would even think that I wouldn't fly out to go dress shopping with her, since we've been talking about it for ages, and I love clothing shopping! She said she thought I'd be too strapped for cash, but I'd been saving up for her wedding stuff, so it's not an issue. We set the date for November and a she invited another long-distance friend from high school and I've been looking at tickets to get out there.
Anyway, I was planning to reach out to her mom and fly in to her state to fly with her to my friends state so she wouldn't have to worry about making her way there with all her anxiety, but today I got a message from my friend. Her mom and stepdad are visiting her area this weekend for an extended family member's birthday, and she and her mom decided they would "pre-look" at wedding dresses today, "just to get an idea of whats out there" and wanted to know if I'd feel left out if they did that.
My heart sunk when I got the text, because I knew that her mom probably was trying to combine dress shopping for this trip so she wouldn't have to take another trip out again so soon. I messaged back saying no I wouldn't feel left out, but did that mean dress shopping in November was canceled? She said no, that it was still on. I was a bit relieved, but still worried. I gave the okay, because of course I can't say no, that would be supper immature and inappropriate.
Of course, she found a dress she wanted, and I was left out of the whole experience. She video called me at one point for a very short while, and sent me photos, and I tried my best to be happy and give good advice and opinions, but it's not the same, and I wasn't part of most of it. (She didn't go for any of my advice, but I'm not hurt about that - video and photo representation isn't the same, and my advice might have been totally off from what I would have said in person.)
Anyway, here's the thing: this isn't my wedding. My feelings don't matter. I realize this in my rational mind, but I'm still incredibly hurt. I definitely wanted to be there for these types of moments for her wedding.
I pretended not to be hurt though, because I really don't want to stress her out in any way when it comes to her wedding. I don't want in any way to be someone she looks back on and remembers as a source of stress or drama during this event. I realize that her mother brought up the idea and pressured her to do so because of her own travel anxiety, and I'm not mad at my friend for jumping at the chance to look at dresses with her mom when she could - just in case her mom pulls out of organized plans last-minute. I'm incredibly close to my mom, so I'd definitely want her there when it's my turn. I get it.
Still, I'm hurt. I just don't know of I should tell her so, or if I should keep pretending I'm okay. What's done is done, she has her dress. Is there any point in bringing up my feelings at all? Or should I just swallow it all up and hope I work through the hurt privately somehow? I don't like hiding my feelings and lying to her, but I feel like telling her would do more harm than good.
If you've gotten this far, I appreciate it.
I know it's a weird thing to say, but instead of feeling hurt maybe try to feel disappointed instead. It sounds like your friend wanted you there, and since you weren't she tried to include you. It doesn't sound like they planned to buy the dress without your input, more like an opportunity came up to go shopping. So if you treat it more like a disappointment that you weren't there you can commiserate with your friend then find something else to do together. Being hurt implies that it was more something that your friend did to you than something that just kinda happened.
There's definitely disappointment thrown in with the hurt.
I know for a fact she did want me there, and yes, she went out of her way to include me how she could. I don't think in any way she was trying to sneak in the dress shopping without me. I don't think she came up with the idea of shopping for dresses today at all, I think her mom did because of her travel anxiety. I think my hurt feelings are more about my friend not putting her foot down and insisting I be there.
Still, even then, I can't really be mad at her mom for suggesting it, because her mom's travel anxiety is no joke. It was bad when we were in high school, and it's gotten far, far worse since then. I've talked to my friend many times about how hurt she gets when her mother won't visit her during other important events because of that anxiety. And I can't be mad at my friend for not letting this opportunity slip by to have her mom with her for sure. I'm at war with myself.
I don't know how to be just disappointed instead though. The hurt is still there, I can't just shut it off, though I think I pinned down more at what exact actions I'm hurt about.
Thank you for your input!
Weddings seem to bring around this kind of hurt. The best thing you can do is to remember how you feel so you're able to be sensitive when it comes time for your wedding. You may find the hurt disappears completely when you plan your wedding, as you experience the stress of the other side. You'll be grateful for the graciousness shown by friends and family when it's your turn (and dismayed at some of the truly rude things people do), and you're paying that graciousness forward pre-emptively to your best friend. Even if she doesn't say it outright, she appreciates your flexibility as she navigates issues with less flexible people. You're doing the right thing in shouldering your hurt privately.
At the risk of getting downvoted, I'm going to be very blunt.
You are way too emotionally invested in her wedding.
Maybe this is how the two of you vibe and I guess that's fine. But I see a bit for co-dependency going on here.
It's totally OK that she went wedding dress shopping with her mom. She would have invited you too, but the logistics didn't work out, so this was also totally OK. She sugar coated it for you, but if you had a more healthy relationship, she wouldn't need to sugar coat it for you.
It would also be totally OK if nobody was available to go wedding dress shopping and you turned up. That's a solid friend thing to do. But that act wasn't needed, since her mom was there, and that's OK.
You're still invited to the wedding and you're even maid of honor. The rest really is nice to have, but not that important.
Not to mention, bride STILL included OP in dress shopping, as best she could, given circumstances. I honestly struggle to put myself in OP shoes, admittedly, because I don’t understand why they would ve so invested in someone’s else’s dress shopping. However, from an outside perspective, bride was doing the best she could, with what she had, and she clearly thought enough of OP to TRY.
Yeah, I'm not at all trying to claim that what she did wasn't okay. Like I lay out in my post, I realize that she wasn't intentionally trying to upset me, just that it did upset me.
I'm not sure what you think she sugar coated. She sent both me and the other friend she'd originally invited the same message, and there wasn't any information to sugar coat. She straight up told us the information of what was going on. So unless we have different understanding of what that term means, I don't think that's what was going on.
I'm struggling against pushing back on the "I'm too emotionally invested" part, though I do think maybe I'm overly sensitive in general when it comes to close friends of mine. She and I have had a long friendship where we've talked out many issues of us hurting each other every now and then.
To be clear, my issue is whether or not I should bring it to her attention that my feelings were hurt. After taking some time to think it over, I do feel I did the right thing by keeping quiet about my hurt. I won't bring it up at all, unless it's years down the road and no longer a possibility of causing her sadness or guilt over it.
she and her mom decided they would "pre-look" at wedding dresses today, "just to get an idea of whats out there" and wanted to know if I'd feel left out if they did that.
That's the sugarcoating. "Pre-looking" isn't a thing.
She couldn't just say "hey friend, Mom is in town and we have some time to go wedding dress shopping!" and you couldn't respond "Awesome that your mom came through, hope you find your dream dress!".
That's how it would work between me and my friends.
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So, I am in therapy. I've been in therapy for years. Since I was six for various reasons. I feel lucky to be able to go, actually.
I'm going to bypass the "you should be embarrassed part," because I did handle my emotion on my own, which was me not expressing hurt or upset to her, and keeping it to myself. I know you didn't read any comments, but did you read the post? I specifically say:
Here's the thing: this isn't my wedding. My feelings don't matter. I realize this in my rational mind, but my feelings are still hurt.
And:
I pretended not to be hurt though, because I really don't want to stress her out in any way when it comes to her wedding. I don't want in any way to be someone she looks back on and remembers as a source of stress or drama during this event.
And:
I'm incredibly close to my mom, so I'd definitely want her there when it's my turn. I get it.
I don't think noticing and identifying my feelings and why I'm feeling them is "obsessing" over what I missed. Nor is reaching out for advice before I make a decision. I don't think my actions or true feelings are reasons for making myself feel worse, either. In fact, going to therapy for so long is probably a big reason why I'm able to take these steps as I have over situations that hurt my feelings
I think you've misunderstood my hurt. I love that she got to dress shop with her mother. That part isn't what made me upset. I literally was planning to spend more on tickets flying out to her mom first to fly with her to my friend so she wouldn't have anxiety about getting there herself. I'm hurt that I ended up being left out. I'd have been hurt whether her mother was there or not.
That's called nuanced reasoning, by the way. Something I learned about in all that therapy you want me to take. 🙄
I think maybe you should reframe how you're thinking about this. It doesn't sound like you're upset with your friend. You're just upset that you missed out on dress shopping with your friend. You understand this obviously wasn't done to hurt you, things just don't always go as planned. I think you could let your friend know that you're sad you missed out, I'm sure they'd understand that and I'm sure you could come up with some other way to be involved.
This is just me guessing based on what you've said, so I hope I haven't missed the mark. But I think that if you just rethink what you're actually upset about you can communicate your feelings without making your friend feel attacked, which I'm sure is not your aim.
I hope that helps.
I think I'm upset specifically that she didn't put her foot down and demand it wait until I'm there. I'd definitely go earlier than November if she needed me to, but time isn't the reason they did it now, it's because her mom has really bad anxiety while traveling. And I totally get why my friend would jump at that chance.
You haven't missed the mark. I do think I have an issue about feeling hurt when a friend makes a decision I myself would never make towards my friend. Like, "I would never do this to you, how could you do this to me?" But again, I do realize my reaction is irrational, and she definitely wasn't trying to hurt me.
I hesitate to tell her because if she knows I'm hurt, she'll feel guilty, and she shouldn't have to feel guilty over this, it's 100% my issue, and 100% her wedding. Again, definitely don't want her to feel guilty, sorry or attacked in anyway over this.
Thanks for your input, I appreciate it.
You're allowed to feel that way. I think this post is the best way to express your feelings. There would be absolutely no point in saying this to her and you are absolutely right that this would do more harm than good.
Remember the fact remains that you wanted to be there FOR HER. Besides, there are still a ton of things you can work together with for a wedding: bridesmaids dresses, song choices, flowers, the program itself, a wedding shower, you name it. Believe me when I say that theyll need all the help they can get in a wedding.
And hey, you saved money! If you dont have to go wedding dress shopping anymore. Pro tip: this is all about making good memories so always be taking pictures.
Hey, thank you. I agree, writing the post and releasing my feelings out there helped a lot. Im still sad, but I think I'll be able to keep that tucked away when I speak to her next.
Thanks again for your comment. Helping to validate my feelings made me feel a lot better, so I appreciate it
At this point its probably better to try and work through it on your own, at least for a while. Emotions run high during wedding planning. Theres a chance that it will blow up and it would suck to lose a friend over this. Have you already booked flights? Will you still be going for a visit in November?
Theres still lots of wedding stuff that will need to be done and I doubt she did this to hurt you. Its just her mum was there and it worked out that way. Mums rank higher than friends in these sorts of things.
If you think shes a chill kind of person you could let her know once your feelings arent quite so raw. But it depends on what you are hoping to get out of telling her, do you just want an apology? She may have already said sorry, will another make you feel better? Do you kind of want her to take the dress back and redo it in November? Probably not going to happen, that horse has bolted. Just to vent to someone? Then shes not the person for that right now.
Ultimately you know her and your relationship with her better than an internet stranger. But telling her while your emotions are raw and shes in the middle of wedding planning with frazzled emotions of her own seems like a good mix for a big argument.
Hey, yeah, I agree, Im going to keep it to myself and deal with it that way. Also, we've definitely had big blowups over the years, so I know for a fact this issue wouldn't end our friendship. But again, I definitely don't want to even stress her out, so.... yeah.
I haven't booked flights yet which is nice. I'm sure I'll have to fly out for something else though. Definitely the batchelorette party, maybe a bm fitting. I don't know yet though.
And no, i don't want her to apologize or take the dress back. I might be hoping she suddenly hates the dress she picked and we have to go dress shopping again, but that's the extent of it, lol.
It seems the good advice has already landed, so I am going to say this: your feelings are valid, and you are going to have to sit with them a bit. It sucks feeling disappointed and sad about something, and especially if that something was nobody's fault, but it's totally normal. (Also I have travel anxiety sometimes and yeah, that shit blows.)
Personally I wouldn't recommend bringing it up. Maybe her mom's anxiety has affected important points of her life before, and like you said she felt she needed to jump at the opportunity or risk missing out. She obviously wanted you there and was thinking of you because she called you during the experience to include you. It's a complicated situation, and you are right to feel disappointed you missed it, but it sounds like she was in a difficult situation and did what she could to make sure everyone important to her was includes in some way.
What would telling her you're hurt accomplish? What would she be apologizing for? For making sure her mom was there to pick out her dress? It's not her fault her mom has anxiety and she had to work around it. There was no perfect option in this situation. Her mom fucked up the plans and she did what she thought was best given the circumstances. I'm sure it wasn't the ideal situation for her either, no need to remind her of that. Plenty of other wedding related memories for y'all to make.
Yeah, I agree, I won't be bringing it to her attention. I can say for a fact that her mom's anxiety has affected important life moments before.
And no, I definitely don't want her to apologize, I just feel kind if icky trying to hide my disappointment and hurt from her, and wasn't sure if it was better to keep it to myself or not. But I think I definitely did the right thing by keeping quiet about it. I agree that there's no need to remind her of the situation being kind of shitty in general. Thanks for your help. :)
I think that you sleep on it first without bringing it up. Then read your post fresh and see how you feel about it.
Secondly, it's absolutely fine to be hurt about this. But don't bring it up until you are very calm, and even then wait a couple of days and be very careful that you're talking in private without the chance of someone else getting involved.
Good luck! Sorry I can't write more but I got to sleep lol.
Yeah, I think I should definitely wait on it more. I think if enough time passes I'll get over it, and eventually will truly be okay, but I think it's going to take a bit if time. I agree no one else should get involved. While her mother is the catalyst to this whole situation, I'm not mad at her or anything cause I understand who she is and why she suggested it.
You've written plenty. Thanks for your input. I hope you sleep well.
You seem like a kinda good friend tbh! I agree with the other Lemmings here, you're not hurt by your friend but missing the experience
Aw, thanks. I appreciate it. I do try my hardest to be the best kind of friend possible. :)
I think it’s something that you take for now but you should tell her how it made you feel eventually. Maybe turn the November thing into a great time hanging out with her still and maybe the hurt might go away before you need to tell her. I think it’s less about the dress and more about how you miss her and hanging out and also I don’t know at the same time. Take my advice with a grain of salt, for I am a simple internet stranger. I wish you good luck!
Internet strangers can be the best form of advice givers, so I appreciate your input! I'll have to wait and see about November, it depends on her timelines and what she still needs done, but yet, there's lots of other things to do.
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NGL, this is terrible advice.
Hey, thanks for your reply. In other situations that aren't so delicate, I'd agree with talking to her the way you've laid out. But weddings are delicate, and having sat on this overnight, I've decided to keep my hurt feelings hidden form her for now. I might tell her years on if the topic is brought up, but certainly not sooner than then.
I'd also like to say that I don't think her mom is rational when it comes to traveling, so I don't think it's necessarily an issue of her respecting boundaries, but more her anxiety controlling her own life and actions. And my friend has definitely had talks with her mom over how hurt she has been over other life events her mom has missed due to her fears. It's a sad situation all around, but not a simple issue that's easily fixed.
I think that's a fair and sound choice. Best of luck to both of you.
Your feelings are justified. Both feeling hurt because of your childhood dreams and promises being broken and wanting to preserve your friends enjoyment of her wedding experience. I don't know what you should do about it but it's not wondering if your feelings are valid.
Hey, I really appreciate you saying im feelings are justified, thank you. You made me feel a bit better, even though I know I'm being sensitive.