Is life in the city less lonely than in a small town?

Hey.

I never lived in a city, not talking about the huge cities like London but average 50.000 to 150.000 people cities so I figured I'd ask people on here who actually lived in a city.

I grew up in a small town and now I built a home in a few miles away from where I grew up in another smaller town and everything would be cool if I wouldn't have "fomo".

My town has about 1000 people living and the next larger city has about 500.000 people (40 minute drive by car or 1 hour by train). And two other smaller cities with each about 75.000 people but only 25 minute drive by car.

Now that my wife and I have settled I can't get rid of fomo feeling.

I catch myself thinking "man if would have built in the city,..." but my wife is right. We can't afford property in a city and heck, even if we could afford it there is no property left to buy. And then when I visit the city to go shopping for clothes or just eat out I am always glad I can leave again.

But than I wake up the next day and would think it would be awesome to have a gym in the same block, a grocery store under my flat, a nice bar or coffee around the corner where I could socialize with others. But then my wife comes again with reality: "And it all costs money. You'd be broke two days after paycheck if you live in the city how you live in it while you visit it" and then she explains that life in the city isn't all that great and I ain't missing out because most people aren't more social in cities than in our town or small city next to our town.

I imagine city life kind of vibrant though. "Hey let's host a boardgame night" and 10 people showing up. But it might not be like how I imagine it? Is city life kind of overrated or am I missing out?

I go to the bigger city maybe once a month to go shopping for clothes I can't get here. Like for example the skater shop a few brands. A few friends and I also take the train every half a year to party a night out but take the train back home. There are many things I also don't like about the city, for example sometimes the smell, the homeless, the traffic, and I sometimes think I'd still need a car because of groceries, visiting family in the country side where I live now so I couldn't sell my car anyways. Now that I have "settled" I shouldn't be thinking about this anyways but there is always this feeling I am missing something. Maybe I should have lived in a city just for a year to experience it before building, but I never had the desire to. I was always happy leaving the city and I still am happy when I can leave after a whole day in the city but maybe I'd like it longer if I'd live in it?

This feels like a topic I am going to ignore til I am 85 and then add to a list of things I regret: "Never experienced city life when I was young".

The only thing that makes me feel good though is that all my friends that currently live in cities are searching for property out of the city and want to move back where we all grew up and all of them saying I didn't miss anything. My wife is also saying it, so I guess they might be kind of right. I am saying "kind of right" because this might be something that only one can judge for him/herself if city is good or bad. I feel like I have no opinion on this subject and this makes me crazy.

Edit: The only big city life experience I had was three months traveling through South East Asia where I stayed like a week in Bangkok and I remember many nights in Kao San Road partying. But that ain't anything one can do every day in the city especially if you work. That was like vacation city experience and I sure do know I was glad when I left Bangkok. The next city experience I had was Saigon (Ho Chi Minh City) in Vietnam which was okay but I left it after day 3 feeling drained. The best experience I had was in Singapore. But I figure after reading all about Singapore that no city in my country could keep up with Singapore. I think I'd like living in Singapore more than in Bangkok or Saigon lol. But even Singapore was really busy...

18 comments

Really depends on the city, but also quite a bit on yourself and how easy you connect with others, there's no one-fits-all here.
City life can be vibrant, especially in university towns with a generally younger population. Tons of events, outings, pub crawls, the likes.
Question is, would you still fit in with the demographic? I'm ~40 now and live in a city with decent nightlife and fairly young population.
Do I go out a lot? Maybe once every 2-3 months. I'll have a coffee outside every couple days, and I like to chat with the barrista, she's a gem. Other than that? Most people my age have kids and money is tight, schedules full, energy levels low.
Scheduling board games takes weeks of effort to coordinate, and you better believe someone will cancel last minute. So unless I hang out with people 10+ years younger, I'm still fairly isolated in the sense that everybody else got their own lives to sort out.
It's nice to have concerts in town, and great getting to the gym in 5 min, granted. But generally speaking, I don't think it's worth living in the city for the sake of being in the city. People don't flock together to bars and cafes from all over town, they are the same folks who live on the block.
So if you got a pub or something in your little town, I'm sure the experience won't be all that different...
- Really depends ~~on the city, but also quite a bit~~ on yourself and how easy you connect with others, there's no one-fits-all here.
  Bingo.
  Loneliness is an individual thing. Someone can be lonely in a room of 500 people.
- Well when my friends and I go out to the "city" by train we go to the irish pub and we do notice the same crowd sitting at the counter. A few different folks from the close hostels but other than that it's really the same.
  We actually only go once a year now when the christmas markets open up because of "It's always the same" feeling and we can just drink in our local bars.
  
  Having lived in numerous US states and cities, and worked in far more, it's really all the same everywhere.
  People are people, there's just a lot more of them in a city than a small town.
  From a dating standpoint, this increases the pool of potential dates.

So on one hand, unlike a small town you can feel anonymous. Outside of your neighbours or people you interact with regularly, nobody knows you and you're just one in a crowd. So that may counterintuitively give you a feeling of privacy, but also it can come with loneliness.
On the other, it is easier to find a decently sized group of people who share similar interests. You just have to go out and talk to them.

The grass is always greener on the other side. The life described does not exist in 50-150k cities. I live in a 500,000 population small city 40 minutes outside of a major one. I used to live in the major one. Everything you described about "city life" is what I miss about living downtown in a major city because I don't have it here. Even within the major city's limits, it's only close to downtown that those city living benefits actually exist on a scale to be useful for more than just a couple errands.
Most casual convos with strangers I've had have happened on public transport but again, only in the major city. The small city public transport is used by people too drunk or poor afford a car, because a car is necessary, and aren't in the mood to chat (I'm too poor to drive, I don't want to chat in the gross, mismanaged hour long bus trips to go somewhere it takes 15 minutes to drive to). In the real city it's used by everyone because it's faster and lazier than driving. People who are good at public transport don't work for small cities. And that's true for most things, especially the city government. Good city councilors and employees get better paying work in nicer places if they can. The small city and everything in it is left being run by people not good enough to make it elsewhere.
Your family is right. Unless you move to the downtown core of a city most people in the world have heard of, you still need to do everything you still do except there's less nature and character and more grumpy assholes who wish they lived in a smaller town or bigger city.

I grew up in a city of 1M, moved to a city of 100K, moved to a town of 7K, and then back to the city of 100K at my wife's behest. I was happiest in the town, because it was uncrowded and affordable.
she explains that life in the city isn't all that great and I ain't missing out because most people aren't more social in cities than in our town or small city next to our town.
Your wife is completely right, in my opinion. Quite frankly, it comes down to what you make of it. If you don't make the effort to make friends, it doesn't matter where you are, you are going to be lonely. The bigger the city, there is going to be a better opportunity to meet people of your type, sure, but the odds of getting together regularly, let alone finding them, are slim because everyone is busy working to afford where they are.
it would be awesome to have a gym in the same block, a grocery store under my flat, a nice bar or coffee around the corner where I could socialize with others. But then my wife comes again with reality: "And it all costs money.
You are right, it would be awesome. And your wife is right, that setup is expensive AF. The people living that life are trust fund beneficiaries. But you should know the coffee shop is just a whirlwind of all the other people getting in, getting their morning stimulant, and getting out to get to their job to afford it all.
The time to have the city experience that you are wishing for was more than 30 to 40 years ago, when houses were affordable, and there was more free time, so you could afford to get together, and the odds of other people being available was greater again, because they could afford it too.
Your fomo is not just for another place, but for a bygone era.
There are many things I also don't like about the city, for example sometimes the smell, the homeless, the traffic, and I sometimes think I'd still need a car because of groceries, visiting family in the country side where I live now so I couldn't sell my car anyways.
Please believe me that this is the reality of city life today. I'm so glad you notice it. All of it is wearing.
I visit the city to go shopping for clothes or just eat out I am always glad I can leave again. [...] I was always happy leaving the city and I still am happy when I can leave after a whole day in the city
IMO, you are getting a taste of the wear.
I feel like I [am not allowed an] opinion on this subject and this makes me crazy.
This is really where the problem lies I think. You have a dream you can't shake, but all external signs are pointing to it not being a good one.
Can I give you some perspective from your wife's side? My wife is a bit like you, trying to move to a bigger center for dream reasons.
It drives me crazy when she talks about moving to a bigger center that is unaffordable, and is not what it is cracked up to be. She even knows it, but still insists. Her dreams are not founded in the reality of our times, but that's just my opinion. And it is wearing to have the same conversation about it over and over.
From one married guy to another, if your sex life, home life, and job life is otherwise good, for the love of god, try to invest in inventing something social where you are already at, to fill that missing piece. The city is a shitty, expensive, noisy place now. If your relationship with your wife is good, and you trust your wife, just believe her, she has your best intentions at heart. If you have all of that, and live away from it all, man, I envy you deeply.

City life is what you make of it. Yes, you are missing something, but that's the nature of choice. Likewise I visit my friends in the country/outskirts and feel a pang of avarice towards their big skies, huge kitchens, animals running all around.
Not to mention the peace and quiet of the countryside... As I'm writing this I can hear the clank of distant machinery, the incessant whine of a compressor, the beeping of something big backing up, and the eternal barking of my neighbour's dog Teddy.
So yeah it's not amazing, and even though it's cacophonous when compared to the country, it's still quieter than what I grew up with. I spent my youth in big cities and now live in a small one (less than 200k). Maybe that did help me get it out of my system, idk. Are you guys young still? I think I'm trying to say is it's all relative, and up to what you can bear.
I know the feeling of fomo is elusive, but are you unhappy with your life?
That's the question I'd start with anyway - like what do you really want, and is it actually missing from where you are?

Sorry, I can't read all that, so if some of this is already covered, at least you know why.
The answer to this question is "your mileage may vary", as we sometimes say in my part of the world. There is 0% chance of any kind of consensus on this, because it all comes down to personal considerations and circumstances. If you want an answer that's applicable to yourself, you'll need to examine your priorities, circumstances, and considerations.
What makes me feel lonely is a lack of connection with nature and a lack of close relationships.
For people like me, city life is practically the definition of loneliness. Life in a large city was a special kind of hell. Life in a small city was bearable (but awful for other reasons besides loneliness but I won't dive into that because it's not what you're asking about). Life in a rural area with lots of nature, good neighbors, and a small set of very close friends is what I prefer.

no, but it's more distracting.
that said, you should definitely live in the city while you're young.
culturally diverse live music and community events especially make it worth it.

In my experience, it’s harder to make meaningful friendships in the cities I’ve lived in. I met more people, but it always seemed within five minutes or so the question “what do you do for a living?” would be asked, and the answer was “make-or-break” whether the conversation went any farther. For the record, I work in IT and have absolutely no interest talking about it outside of work (unless digital privacy is the main focus). I think a lot of city people are only interested in being friends with their own “class” or out of convenience (e.g., parents making friends because kids go to the same school, etc)
Small towns you can’t easily dispose of people you don’t see eye-to-eye with, and I really appreciate it because you don’t get stuck in echo chambers as easily, and you learn to see things from perspectives you don’t agree with. In my experience, small town people are more ok with their view points being challenged without being totally offended, even if there’s no chance in their minds being changed. You just have to do it respectfully.
My home town is super small (less than 1,000). I moved back to an area close to it with about 7,500 people and found that’s the sweet spot for me. It’s a tourist town, but my friends here are way more reliable and less fickle than the ones I had in the city. Can always plan a trip to the city if there’s some big event that looks fun.

I prefer the city for infrastructure which includes shops and such as you allude to. I would only ever want to live in a city with good public transit which usually means it would be a goodly size. I think the main thing lonliness wise is there are many orgs or clubs or just groups you can be a part of. There is a walk/bike/transit advocacy group and the activities are fun. Was part of a gaming group that met at a local university. Was part of a maker space. Anime club. Cons are around each year. Many many festivals both citywide and neighborhood. Many little things to the city does people don't even realize happen like dacing in the park. shakespeare in the park. movies in the park. restaurants and shops as you say along with bars and like things with just activities and games as their business. think dave and busters or whirlyball. So there is just much more to do really so its easier to do things but Im sure you can do lots of stuff in a small time just may take some more work to find things or you have to organize them yourself (which you sometimes do in a big city to)

I moved to a city three years ago after living in an adjacent town for a decade. I realized I met nobody in the town much beyond the odd neighbour, and that's because it was pretty conservative and they'd be nobody I'd associate with. I moved to the city and found a pile of like minded friends and am much happier.

Living in a city is as lonely as you make it. There are less opportunities to run into the same people unless you spend time doing it. If you invest your time in going to groups, same locations or volunteering you will see people one time and won't be able to build a friendship. Since there is so many people its easy to get lost in a crowd.
That being said any interest you have will have a group of people doing it. Which is a great way to make friends or at least entertain yourself. Events are the same way with lots happening within a city since that is where the people are. Events are easier to get to but due to the large number of things if you don't spend time finding them the chances of running into something you like are low. So its easier to find something if you spend time doing it, but harder unless you spend the time.

In the long run, it's not the body count of people that makes a less lonesome atmosphere, it's the "mind count" of people, if that makes sense. I'm sure it varies by city, but due to the hyperinflation of activity, it has become so unusual to interact in many cities that now if you try, people think it's weird and that you want something, so it turns into a catch-22.

The difference is night and day. I'm in a small city, and even here, there are so many people that share my interests. We have a comic-con! I was able to put together a group to play a Pokemon TTRPG. I would never go back

I think it heavily depends on the other factors in your life and the lives of people you want to get go know : income, health,transportation, how much free time you and other people have. I loved the time I spend in a larger city, but I could not afford nor physically be able to do many of the things that I wanted to. The freedom and constant background of being near many strangers was excellent, and there were lots of possibilities for things to do, but they weren’t as feasible as they seemed. It didn’t work out much of the time because 1. I was broke and had limited good health days 2. Other people were also broke and extremely busy. Even free events come with other monetary costs and planning hiccups. So I think it just depends on where you prefer to live environment-wise and what you want to experience on a day to day, what you want to look at and hear outside. Cities are great if you can afford them. I enjoyed being there a lot. But It’s still logistically hard and often very expensive to socialize no matter where you live.

Your wife is right. People in the city are built different. They're not really as friendly and everything is much more competition.
There's exceptions though. Not everyone in the city is like that, and there's more people to not be like that. The primary feature of cities is people, so in the city your value compared to capital is even lower than usual.

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