UPDATE: Thank you all for the advice, I really appreciate all of it. With that being said, we're out of the woods comrades :)
Firstly, I was wrong about them having to watch you piss. It turns out that I got that info from a panicked google search and I later called up the hospital to clarify this, they said that they would only need to watch me if I refused to provide a sample, or if it looks like the sample I provided had been contaminated. This was my first good news, as I saw this as a good opportunity to revisit Operation Pissjar™ where I bring in a jar of my clean friend's piss.
After that though, I found out that they're actually using the XCup 4 panel 4045 test, which, as it turns out, does not actually test for cannabis. It instead tests for amphetamines, cocaine, opiates, and PCP. If it were a 5 panel test, I would have needed to worry about cannabis, but it's not, so I'm fine. I am a little bit peeved, though, as the offer letter my job sent specifically said they'd be testing for weed, and every cursory google search I made said that 4 panel tests look for weed, but the specific one that they're using apparently doesn't.
So apologies for the panic, but thank you all again for the advice. Fuck drug tests, fuck sobriety as a hiring requirement, fuck America.
So I landed a really nice job with a really cool company and they plan on hiring me this March, but before they can do that I need to pass a drug test. My manager personally doesn't care whether or not I smoke weed but I live in a state where weed is illegal, and the company does care and would bar me from hiring if I were to fail a drug test.
I was stupid and smoked a fuck ton of weed last Sunday (before I knew that A; I need to take a drug test in the first place, and B; that weed can remain present in urine for up to (and possibly over) 30 days in frequent smokers (which I am)). This would originally have been fine if it weren't for the fact that after agreeing to the background check, I would be scheduled for a drug test by the 13th (within 4 days). So my original plan to just drink a shit ton of water to flush myself out within a month wouldn't work.
I also had a plan to sneak in a jar of my sober friend's pee but then I learned that you're actually required to pee in front of the observer so that plan wouldn't work either.
So basically I'm fucked and I don't know what to do :( My future pretty much depends on this job and I don't know what I would do if I were to fuck this opportunity up. What do I do?
Also, idk how relevant this is but I'm 5'9" (~175 cm), 160 lbs (~72.6 kg), AMAB, and very infrequently exercise. I also have POTS so I sweat frequently and have poor water retention.
Got dumped recently (last week), coped about it by doing a lot of drugs, realized that was a very bad idea, am better now <3
like one of the only (bullshit) arguments the Zionists have is that opposition to Israel equates to antisemitism (not true), but from what i understand, the "Semitic family" includes both Jews and Arabs, but i am potentially very wrong about this.
also i guess even if it is true, it's not a very good "gotcha" since it misses the point and truth doesn't matter to genocidal swine
the fuckin Eren Yeager pfp is the bow on top of all of this
god fucking dammit is the cheese emoji a political thing now? is this another one i gotta worry about? has the cheese slice been bastardized?
(this person could also be a wisconsinite, i hope that is the case i don't want cheese dog whistles)
hey where can i find a tailor to make me a suit that accommodates for my eight arms? i need them to be kinda cheap too, gotta cut costs to account for all the childcare and onions
i'm so close to parsing this, i can feel it in my bones
oh lmao ok apologies, i've never seen BtR, i just looked it up lol
ok sick, that's a good idea, i have never earnestly used facebook but i could start if that's what it takes lmao
i'm sorry, i recognize it's a dumb question, it's a genuine one tho lmao
i have a question that is hard to google. how does one acquire a band? like i got songs, i got hella songs, and i think that i can sing adequately (i sang in front of my partner and they think that i sound very good :)), i just have no ability to play guitar/bass/drums, let alone at the same time, so where do i find 2-4 people in my area who know how to play instruments and are ideologically compatible with myself??? on top of that, these people would also need to like/enjoy the music that i wanna put out and want to specifically play my songs, which i don't know how big of an ask that is??? any assistance is welcomed.
i have ublock, the other three sound promising though
it's super weird, I was watching a video on Israeli war crimes and then fuckin BAM the sidebar was all kids content and YouTube movies
my homepage is fine and normal, but the sidebar is still the same shit, and it's like the same set list of videos too so i think it's just broken
i clicked not interested for all of them and the list changed to just another list of kids stuff so hopefully the add-ons will help
it sucks that we live in a timeline where the sentence, "I swear to fucking god if the Israeli apartheid state is the reason why there's cocomelon in my recommended, I'm going to war, I'm strapping the fuck up" is something I can find myself saying, unironically
on that note, if anyone can advise me on how to fix my sidebar, that would be appreciated
yeah no lmao they're just unhinged
The only reason it says that is because i changed their contact name to "lmao wafe" 
It was just a "Hey, ******* it's ******** with the Communist party, another member forwarded me your application and wanted me to reach out since there's no official party presence in *******. Let me know if you want to get in touch with other members in *******!"
That would dox me
Double checked the number too lol
I don't know anything please don't hurt me.
To preface, I don't know shit about fuck, but my interpretation of Trotsky is that he was next in line to head the ussr after Lenin and Stalin hated him and pushed a censorship campaign and removed him from pictures and shit and banished him and then sent someone to pickaxe his face.
From what I know, he had criticisms of the ussr from the left and was more ML than Stalin and was more "pro-worker/citizen," but I very VERY much could be talking out of my ass and was just fed propaganda, which please correct me if so.