When I was a kid my first puppy love crush was on a Sunday school teacher named Amber. And the name stuck with me. I met a second Amber in highschool and she was pure gender envy. I've used it online for my "pretend I'm a girl online" name many times, and if I had daughters instead of sons there's a possibility one of them would have ended up with the name. But a couple people have started calling me Amber to my face and it's the best thing ever.
Well, sometimes my oldest calls me Mom, just accidentally/out of habit, and it doesn't feel any better than Dad. So I don't think my dysphoria requires Mom, and it'll be easier for the kiddos as they won't have to adapt. We've been trying to chip at the gender norms and see what fits and what doesn't, as the wife and I are working this out. She/her/husband/dad might be where we end up so everyone can feel comfortable about where we are as a family.
Yeah, my brother is one of the pastors at our church, and I came out to him on Easter, so this conversation has already started. I don't know if I'll be able to keep my church, I'm afraid I'll have to find a place that doesn't assume they have all the answers. But a "long and painful journey" has been my life so far, and both my wife and I are determined to make this work. This is progress, we are headed in the right direction, in the same direction. Feels good.
So my wife and I have been trying to work through the practicality of me coming out. She's been having trouble perceiving me as female, which, like, I still have a beard, so I get it. She's bi, but also believes that homosexuality is a sin, so she's been trying to work though what we would look like. I've been trying to break apart the rigid gender roles a bit, and told her last night that I don't mind our kids calling me "dad" even if I go full fem, I have no problem with she/her/dad. Like, I'm the sperm donor, not the one who carried them for nine months. She thought that was great and asked about husband, because she really would rather have a husband than a wife. I told her that I'd really prefer wife, as husband is rather ick for me, so we are still working on that point.
Long preamble, sorry, but this morning as we were telling each other about our dreams last night and our visions for the future, she said "I envision myself in the future with my husband, and she's beautiful"
I think that's the first time I've been gendered correctly by my wife, and it feels so good. I think we are going to make it. I'm going to have my kayak and heat it too. I'll be able to transition without losing those closest to me. My vision of the future has never looked so bright, growing into old ladies together and showing people with our lives that "Queer Christians" is not an oxymoron.
I came out to my family yesterday, at an Easter thing. That was tough but woof that's a load off. Now I can boymode less around them!
I was going to come out during the super bowl party my sister was holding, because a quorum of my family was going to be there. Next opportunity is an Easter party my sister is holding, which is in one week from today. So I'm excited/nervous/trying to figure out what I'm going to say.
Won't someone please think of the poor multi-billion-dollar company! The losses for them and their poor multi-billion-dollar shareholders!
Thanks for the girl talk. That helps a ton. I especially like the idea of wearing what I normally wear, but girl. I'll look into some pants, blouses, and sweaters cut for ladies, and see about a bra and maybe some falsies. After that I'll have to bite the bullet and get some makeup and look in the mirror. I've always known what I am, so I've leaned pretty hard into the GNC, so I've already been painting my nails for a while, and it does give such gender euphoria.
I've been using a little laser I bought on Amazon for the last couple of weeks, I think it's working. Afraid to point it at my face, so I might get that done professionally. Got myself prescriptions for hair loss, we'll see what happens there.
I got a sugar scrub, is that a good skincare routine? I honestly know nothing about that.
I have one friend who calls me Amber, I'm still kinda closeted to everyone else. I was planning on coming out to my family at the super bowl party at my sister's house, but we got sick.
HRT is... So I'm married, my wife and I have kids. I'm tied down. I've been open and honest about all this with the wife (eventually) and she's let me know where she is. The current compromise is that I can go full femboy, she has no moral issue with that. She draws the line at HRT. We are Christians, but I'm definitely more liberal and egalitarian than she is, I kinda have to be to exist at all as a trans Christian. I see nothing wrong with being in a homosexual relationships, she does. She's bi, and maybe agender, but feels she has to suppress it. We're working through it. Every time I mention this online, people are like "break up with her!" and the answer to that is no. We truly love each other and are going to make this work. I knew when I got married in a conservative church that I would probably never get to transition, I made that choice and I'm going to stick with her. Going "full femboy," as she put it, is further than I ever thought I'd get to go, and I'm going to take full advantage of that. I'm hoping that when she sees how happy every step of this journey is making me, she'll eventually call me by my real name and be ok with HRT. We'll see, but I'm not getting my hopes up.
I've been closeted for like 30 years. How tf do I let it out? I'm ready to come out, tell people, finally go live my life, but all I know is the mask. Who is this scared little girl that's hiding in here? How do I go be myself when I don't know who that is? I feel naked and exposed without my masc.
Go experiment? I'm still in that "man in a dress" stage, not sure if I'm going to be able to get HRT, so even looking at myself in the mirror is horrible. I'm trying to lose weight and I'm doing the laser hair removal thing, and those feel great, but
I feel like I missed my life, missed learning how to girl, and now I'm expected to woman? Can I please get some girlhood real quick so I can figure out how to woman? I want to go through the emo phase and the punk phase and maybe dabble in goth, I want to be cringe, I want to have a sleepover with the girls and do each other's hair and makeup so we can practice.
There's so many things that are gendered. I wore my belt "backward"s today, because I was always taught the "correct" boys way to do it. I feel like I'm drowning in the shallow end of the gender pool.
If I'm going to do makeup I'm going to have to look at myself in the mirror. If I'm going to do my hair I'm going to have to do something about the balding. If I'm going to change my wardrobe, do I do that now or wait until I lose these 10 kilos?
I pulled the cork and... I guess I thought I was gonna get a genie wish and wake up the next day as a girl. Instead I have to transition, and probably without any HRT. I guess this is the hard part.
Sorry for the ramble, even verbalizing these thoughts, this sentence, is hard. I'm so practiced at keeping it all in that even though it's happening, I don't know how to let it all out.