"My hair's getting a bit long, and my fringe keeps getting in my eyes. It can't be that hard to give it a little trim, right?" 5 minutes later "...I'm going out for dinner in just over an hour. How quickly can I get to a hairdressers?"
There is exactly one ad that worked on me. It was a poster for a bottle of Oasis that said "you're thirsty, we have quotas, let's help each other out."
I was enchanted by the game the moment I saw how it was played, I loved it as soon as I started playing, and I was captivated as soon as Ash's plot played out. At one point, the game said my life's philosophy in plain text, and another person said it was dumb and pointed out the flaws in that philosophy.
How good are the characters? As soon as I learned you can exhaust dialogue trees, there was not a soul I didn't wander next to to hear more dialogue.
How good is the soundtrack? I have learned how to play I Want To Be The Hero on ukulele.
So glad they flashbacked to the confession, cause I really like the way it went. This episode made me very happy.
This has been in my wishlist for a while, and I am looking forward to it like cray cray. You can 100% tell from every part of this that it was made by Ace Attorney fans.
I love that joke. There was no chance I'd be able to pay off the joke I set up, but I'm glad someone did, at least.
So they can hide in cherry trees.
Alright, why don't you ever see elephants hiding in cherry trees?
Because they're very good at it.
The brick joke is an absolute classic. The only tragedy is that it's hard to set up without other people coming in with the payoff before you can.
He's an Arsenal fan. Asking him not to watch them play is just unrealistic.
We already have the term "virgin" for people who haven't had sex. The reason they made a new term is so the "involuntarily" part makes them a victim. See, it's not just that they aren't having sex (which they TOTALLY deserve, btw), but they're being actively denied it.
It's a term born in anger and a need to blame someone else. If you don't feel that need, you don't use the term.
I once had a player in my game play a changeling who swapped places with someone, then forgot they were a changeling. So naturally, I had the rest of the party meet the original without her. That was a fun reveal.
I will say, this is slightly hurt by the fact we all said these in the comments of the first joke.
I'm trying to think of which robot dystopia/apocalypse this most closely resembles.
Why would a campaign not need a tabaxi journalist?
I don't think nazis are the ones that decided the gay pride colour though (it was purple). I think it was someone else that decided.
Just looked it up. White is white pride, red is neo-nazi (and often, willing to spill blood), yellow is anti-racist. Not sure why that last one's a bad thing, though.
Black was neutral, because that's the colour doc martens usually come with.
In a youtube video by Matt Baume, he discussed two types of protestors against offensive gay representation in the media.
The first group was loud and disruptive. One guy broke into the news room and yelled over the anchor about the injustice. Another guy handcuffed himself to a camera. It was a problem that could shut down production entirely.
The second group was calm and willing to negotiate. However, the only reason they were listened to by the networks was because of the first group. They even had whistles to ruin the filming if they weren't listened to. But they were, and filming went without a hitch after that.
It's not the peaceful path, but some people don't want the peaceful path. They want violence. Give them more violence than they can handle (or at least the threat of it) until they beg for peace, THEN take the peaceful path.
Si vis pacem, para bellum.
(I love when I get to post these joke chains)
How do you get 4 elephants in a mini cooper? -Two in the front, two in the back.
How do you get 2 whales in a mini cooper? -Take the M4 and go over the Severn bridge.
How can you tell there's an elephant in your fridge? -Footprints in the custard.
How can you tell there's 2 elephants in your fridge? -You can hear them giggle when the light goes out.
How can you tell there's 3 elephants in your fridge? -You can't quite get the door shut.
How can you tell there's 4 elephants in your fridge? -There's a mini cooper outside.
I mean, it might be a good excuse. Doesn't change the slur.
In Blazing Saddles, the actors playing the racists apologised to their co-stars after every take. They had a damn good excuse to say what they said, but they still apologised for saying it.
That's an offer that's hard to turn down, or at least to look into a little. And the sign is right by the house with the dog sat on the porch, so it's easy enough to check out.
"So, you can talk, huh?"
"Yep" says the dog.
The man is surprised and impressed. "How did you learn to talk?"
"Oh, I was part of a government program run by the CIA to create a new genus of super dog, genius level intellect and top quality skills. I was the only one of the litter who could talk, so they fast tracked me up to being an agent. They taught me how to use a gun with my mouth, how to drive with my paws, how to diffuse a bomb with my tail, and even how to parachute into hostile territory. Apparently, thanks to the genius genes, I learned even faster than the human agents, and I was sent to Russia as a spy within a month.
"I had an amazing time chatting up the local pooches, begging diplomats for treats, and feeding top secret info back to the states. My work even helped delay the war on Ukraine by 2 years, but I blew my cover when I called Putin a jerk straight to his face. He sent his top guys after me, and I had to flee through the city. Jumped onto a train through Serbia and swam across the Bering Strait into Alaska.
"Unfortunately, Putin sent an assassin after me as I was moving through Canada, and he caught my dominant paw. I had to take the guy out with one of my ears, but I managed to survive, and my wounds healed really well. Now I'm retired, so I decided to keep this town safe."
"Holy crap" says the man, transfixed. When the dog's owner comes out, he looks up at the guy and asks "Why the heck are you selling him for only $5?"
"Cause he's a frickin liar! He's never spent a day outside of Utah!"
The genie appears before him and declares "I am a powerful genie! Due to budget cuts, I will only be granting one wish, but you can wish for anything you desire and I shall make it come true!"
The farmer wastes no time. "My neighbour, Peter, was once as poor as me. One day, he received a cow as a gift, and he began to sell the milk. Suddenly, he is earning twice as much. He could afford to fix the roof, he bought new clothes, and he even took a day off to have wild sex with his wife. That cow made his life so much better than it was before."
The genie nods. "I see. So, your wish is..."
"Kill his cow."
Real person, fictional character, or even just hypothetical: I wanna hear it!
There are only two survivors, both of whom are Christian men. They start walking, hoping to find civilisation and a source of food and water. Each sand dune is hell, but they push themselves forward to climb over it. Days pass and their thirst aches their throats, but they keep walking. Finally, their journey pays off, and a village comes into view.
One of the men turns to the other and says "look, we're in a muslim country, and it's a desperate situation. I say we pretend to be muslim. They'll take better care of us for it."
The other man looks aghast. "What? No! I'm a Christian and proud! I have nothing to be afraid of."
As dawn breaks and their legs are about to drop, the men reach the village. A man spots the pair and approaches them, wearing a robe, an imama, and sporting a lengthy beard. "Who are you?"
"I'm Muhammed" says the first man, his real name Peter.
"I'm John" says the second man.
The muslim man takes John by the shoulder, pulling him into the village. "It must have been a long walk, you must be tired. Please, we have plenty of food and water, and there should be a bed for you somewhere."
Then he turns to Peter and opens his arms wide, a warm smile on his face. "Salaam, Muhammed! Happy Ramadan!"
An investment banker is looking to hire a new secretary, and has narrowed down his options to three women. While most people in his position would want her to sit and look pretty, he wanted someone dependable. He wanted someone who could offer him good advice when he needed it, and might even reach a position like him in the future.
To this end, he offered each woman a test. He gave each one £10,000 and told them to invest it. After a month, they would return the money to him, and this would serve as an interview.
The first woman invested in hot new stocks, hoping one of them would pay off. Sadly, it proved to be too much of a risk. By the end of the month, she was only able to pay him back £2,000, having lost £8,000.
The second woman invested in stable businesses with gradual growth, getting a steady return per day. By the end of the month, she gave the banker £1000 more than she had been given to begin with.
The third woman invested and pulled her money like a machine, shorting companies and spreading rumours to boost her profits. While she had in excess of £17,000 by the end of the month, she only returned £10,000 to the banker, arguing that everything else was not part of the deal.
Once the test concluded, the banker instantly made up his mind, and hired the woman with the biggest chest.
And there's five people in my family.
And I know I'm not Chinese.
So it's either my mum, or my dad, or my younger brother Charlie, or my older brother Huang.
Personally, I think it's Charlie.
At the front desk, the three are informed that there is only one room left, and the room only has one bed. The guys are comfortable enough with each other that they decide to just share the bed between them.
The next morning, the guy on the left side of the bed wakes up and says to his friends "guys? This is kind of awkward, but I had a sex dream last night. A super hot girl was giving me a handjob on the slopes."
The guy on the right side of the bed then yells "No way! I had a dream that I was getting a handie in the hot tub!"
The guy in the middle just pouts. "It's no fair. You both got super fun, kinky dreams, and I just dreamt I was skiing."
This is purely hypothetical, just for fun. In this scenario, you don't get to know who the GM is in advance, but they do have to run it as written. The players can leave whenever they like, but the GM has to stay until either all players leave or the players beat the dungeon.
A train was travelling through Europe, and four passengers were riding in the same carriage. There was an Englishman, a Frenchman, an old woman and a young woman.
The train eventually passed into a tunnel, and the lights on the train failed to turn on. In the darkness, a loud slap was suddenly heard. When the train emerged in the sunlight, the Frenchman was holding his sore cheek.
The old woman thought "That Frenchman must have copped a feel of the young woman in the dark, and he got what's coming to him."
The young woman thought "That Frenchman must have groped the old woman thinking it was me, and he got what's coming to him."
The Frenchman thought "That Englishman must have groped the young woman in the dark and she thought it was me! Unfair..."
The Englishman thought "I hope another tunnel comes along so I can slap that frenchie again."
