Dysphoria, TV static go brrrrrrrrrr
lot of tv static in my brain. idk how I want to present anymore. i could imagine how i want to see myself sort of but it's staticy now. fighting my desire to not take up space, hard
i don't know how any of this works
by what means is progress measured if nobody witnesses the journey? how do i understand how i want to be without observing and mirroring? is my concept of gender supposed to not reference other people?
idk what i can do to just not be seen as a guy, because as long as people treat me like a guy, i will be wrestling against the world to be seen. i will always have to override the instinct to respond like a man and it will always take me twice as long to speak up.
Revealing critical lore to someone about themselves and leaving without giving any meaningful action to take
Sinner (me, dysphoric, confused, anxious) In The Hands (comments) of an Angry God (Hexbear)
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I probably am overreacting. I just am at an impasse with myself. I take up no space so others can feel comfortable, I go out of my way to do so. I don't want to take up space meant for others or inconvenience anybody. Nobody ever indicated that there was a problem with this.
I'm paranoid about my behavior as someone who is currently male-presenting. The last thing I want to do is make people uncomfortable. I've seen chauvinistic men who don't understand when to leave someone alone and I don't want to do that. I've been the guy who can't take a hint, it's better to just never put people in that situation.
Like I know I'm in an Error State, but how do I trust myself to do anything in that case. As an error, everything I do is of error. I want to know that I'm good and that I don't have to rethink everything. Why will nobody give me this
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As someone who is discovering their autism and gender neutrality two-fold, the amount of social cues I'm expected to just intuit is disgusting.
Nobody is ever gonna read this but it feels like there are specific hoops I have to go through to find acceptance and nobody tells me them unless I do something wrong. Everything I do is a mistake and every mistake makes me feel like I am beyond redemption. I only wish I had someone to challenge this, someone to help me make sense of anything. I want to know that I am Good and not In Error so I can move on with my life. When every move you make leaves you in shame, you just want someone to tell you that you aren't In Error and that the world still makes sense. I want to be Good but everyone keeps telling me my thoughts are bad
Am I a freak? If so, why does nobody say, what if he were less freaky? Why is it 100% on me to change myself. Why, when the world traumatized me and shut me out, do I have to go find the world and beg for more? When does someone decide to be nice to me?
I know I'm fucked up. That's why I want someone to help. If i thought I could make normal fucking friends I goddamn would. If I thought I could just detach it, I would. If I thought I could approach people without wanting to drown, I would. No amount of honesty about myself is connecting to people. Because we'd be connected if there was a connection. We'd already be having conversations. And we aren't. That's how I know it isn't working. There isn't a "ooh have faith and people will start to warm up to you" everyone just thinks I'm a boy and I fucking hate it
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like how do I move forward if nobody helps me move forward, I don't understand why/how I'm supposed to cobble together my own understanding when everyone else here has the same understanding . If I had your books I would read them
Because as long as I have to do things all by myself that's only really going to reinforce that I have to do everything by myself . How much am I supposed to give into the individualism of capitalist society? I thought we were supposed to depend on each other and help each other grow and learn. Do we seriously owe nothing to one another as human beings?
you guys all help each other understand and share memes and have fun. I just want to be like that but you're making me feel like I'm too soft. like I somehow don't deserve it. I have to beg and ask for kindness that everyone tosses around freely
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I could do and be so much for someone if they only expressed it. If they only asked me. I can help, I can care, I can do so much. But nobody needs me. I don't know who I matter to. I don't know if anybody likes me. There's so much I would do for a minute of approval. I have so much passion and love to share, but nobody takes the time to know me. Even here, I post stuff and it just goes unnoticed. It's like other people are better at being queer and autistic.
Maybe everyone else has it figured out. Maybe nobody else was angry when they saw how much of their life was a lie. Maybe nobody else cares that they look in the mirror and see a different person. Because until someone looks me in the eyes and tells me that they see me, that we are in this together, that they see the world in half the way that I do, I don't know how to trust anyone as far as I can throw them. I don't think that anyone knows or cares that I'm questioning. Because you don't ignore someone when you think they're in a bad place and when you know that they're going through something that alters the fabric of their reality.
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I remember joining the matrix chat and killing the vibe every time I typed things š that should've been a sign to me that I was not critical enough of the site. the same thing happened to group chats I was in in college. I don't even know! I typed the same kinda of stuff as everyone else, it just never landed. But uh, don't tell me we're all on equal footing, because I'm aware that people laugh at me
I also get confused when people don't reply to my comments. It's like, what the hell? I typed all that and you just moved on. I see the people I'm talking to move down the thread! It's crazy. Hello? We were having a conversation! I only don't reply if I'm having a panic attack or asleep or dissociating tbh
If someone tells me to shut up, I'll shut up. If someone tells me to get therapy, I'll get therapy. If someone tells me to pretend to be a boy until it gets bad again, I might even do that. I'm like the opposite of those people who need to be convinced that they came up with something. I need someone to really sell me on their idea or else I won't do anything. But if nobody tells me anything, I assume that ideas are just never going to approach me again.
And that's not me being pwecious or whatever. I do think I'm susceptible to cults and extremist movements specifically due to my trusting nature. That's why I'm trying to get help with my transition here and not on a right-wing forum
Does that make sense? Is this anything?
bad weekend
bad weekend. feel dogpiled. couldn't focus, feel further from my authentic self than I have in a while.
i feel like i'm on the outs. this is the only place i've felt comfortable talking about queer stuff so far and of course i piss in the pool
Idk if I'm anyone. idk who I'm supposed to be. I feel further from any identity than I did 3 days ago.
bought some capris, so that was nice
the second to last episode of a season of Bojack Horseman, except it's just how things are now
I'm watching a lot of different aspects of my life compress and minimize as I move into uncharted grounds. Maybe nobody knowing anymore is an invitation for me to forget who I was. It feels like there are entire rooms in my brain that are smouldering, turning into ash as I become something incompatible with what I was when someone knew me. At the same time, the ruins will never be completely gone. The only question is, what exactly am I taking with me?
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yeah that's not really what i meant, framing it as cis- at all was a mistake. it wasn't a point of comparison to anybody or even about trans people, i just think people who know how to look are neat. and being a man makes me want to walk into the fucking ocean, why would i want to look more masculine than i do. i don't think i'd be on the site if i were like "holy moly just the two genders", so it didn't occur to me that that would even read as transphobic. to the extent that i put anyone on a pedestal, it's more because i am in a chasm far below, as evidenced by my frequent social missteps here and around the country. we're the same species, i'm just a version that is less functional, less effective overall, and apparently very hard to pin down
also, i don't think it'd quite save me from my tribunal to admit to being attracted to nonbinary and trans people mid-argument? maybe i'm off the mark, as is known to happen
i freeze constantly, i basically need other people to indicate that we're actually about to have a conversation and they aren't just saying hi, or merely making eye contact. whenever i see someone that i know, it's like, "what the fuck type of interaction are we about to have" and whenever i see someone i don't know it's like "do i know them? could we be friends? are we in love??" frankly, having misread situations in the past causes me to assume i'm making people uncomfortable by expressing any interest. i never know if someone is going to talk to me like they remember the interactions we have, or if they'll be like "wow it's good to meet you!"
i'm 6'0, lumber like a bear, and speak with a naturally deep voice. regardless of how i feel, i lean masculine in how the world sees me. if i'm supposed to be ashamed, i am.
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i feel like my back is against the wall, like any attempt to gain understanding through explaining myself just subjects me to scrutiny. i wish someone would just get in my face and yell exactly what I'm doing wrong. If I knew the steps, I would follow them perfectly. But nobody will tell them to me. it genuinely feels like there's just information that other people are being handed and i have to fight and argue for the same footing as everyone else. It feels like everything I try to say gets lost in translation. I'm finding a lot less commonality in my gender journey than I anticipated. That may be another misstep or misunderstanding on my part.
do people just change? i keep waiting and hoping for someone to say it's okay, say they're there. is that just never going to happen? I just have to be different? because this is me trying to rally someone, anyone towards my cause, and it's not working. am i really just supposed to be different with no external anything from anyone?
what if my brain goes back to the void? every step I try to take on my own, that thought lingers. somehow, this is going to go poorly and I will die. because it has gone poorly before, and I died in the sense that everyone forgot about me and stopped talking to me. the bad thing happened, and it can't unhappen. where does that leave me?
I'm worried about it getting worse. I barely eat, I barely sleep. If someone had step by step instructions, I would follow them. I feel so lost.
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insecurities at a high the last 2 days mostly laying in bed, staring into space, trying to pick a youtube to watch
don't really kno what is ok to say or not. obviously i made generalizations and i have reflecting and reading to do. much of my staring into space is related to this
why do i talk, expectations, ideation
everyone memes about freezing up and not knowing what to say, but speaking on that earnestly is not something people wanna hear. if someone had explained to me in explicit detail how to outgrow these things as a teenager, i literally would have. and i only say that because people make it seem like changing is easy, like it doesn't require a 1v1v1 Battle With Executive Dysfunction and Established Logic. i've made multiple comments about feeling trapped on rails, etc.
it is frustrating to see other people speak on their issues and have more positive outcomes. maybe that doesn't matter. maybe i literally shouldn't expect anything.
what i don't get is how having zero expectations from the world is different from the void i was staring into before i realized that my issues were related to gender and sexuality, and i kinda just wanted to be dead. because i really thought i was straight, i thought i was a guy, and that it was the end. and even typing that is hard.
if i go back to lurking, it's not personal. i just ran out of jokes.
Looking around you is bad. Your concept of gender must be entirely extrapolated from esoteric visions you had in the womb. You cannot reference anyone you have ever seen in building your gender identity. To do so is lustful and creepy. Grow the fuck up
???
I was responding to you talking about the feeling.
The Catholic thing just keeps coming up in comments and it's like, everyone is shaming me for trying to navigate this. But that wasn't directly in response to you.
It seems to be deeply unfamiliar to most people. I thought everyone notices people around them and what they like. I observe everyone, I'm a wallflower and a people watcher. I underestimated that you guys are just imagining what you want to look like and how you want to behave without a reference.
What's new to me is the rapid shift towards shaming me for sharing my thoughts. That's actually kinda Catholic, frankly.
I'm scared to approach everyone, though. Apparently that's a punishable offense.
I'm genuinely trying to make sense, am I better off not paying attention to anyone? Is my concept of gender supposed to be completely internally sourced? Is it immoral to see someone and want to look like them?
Okay.
Do you find that telling eggs to "grow the fuck up" is conducive to building a community where people feel comfortable speaking about their vulnerabilities, or is there potentially a more diplomatic way to encourage discussion around the feelings we are trying to navigate for ourselves.
Like, if "energy" isn't a thing, is there not a discussion about what things are, what they mean, where they come from? If I'm the only one considering the intentionality of this stuff though, I might need to spend time elsewhere.
I don't know what I want. Maybe you all know what you want.
I get that they're people, the issue is that I'm not fully people. I look at them and I look at me.
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It's like, can I just burst into flames and then look like you instead? Please? How do I look like you? How do I be someone who is pretty and nice and shops with her girlfriends?
The social coding is precisely my problem, I don't know how to approach anyone because I'm in-be-fucking-tween. I feel pressured to approach situations as a guy because that's how people see me. Women don't know I'm nonbinary when I walk up to them. When I do get to drop my Man Impression?
I'm tired. Maybe I should take a breather. Come back to Hexbear when I turn 13.
The etiquette surrounding forums isn't really what confuses me. I struggle with real world interactions
Like, being spoken over is a thing that happens to me in rooms with people that makes me want to leave those rooms. There's no equivalent on a forum, I fully get that.
Deleted because I'm stupid/Catholic/wilding/I just wanted friends
I thought I was describing gender envy and my sort of freeze response in social situations, but I made people mad
I wouldn't tell a Hexbearian to "grow up" or that you think "like a teenager". So it's confusing to be called out in that way, I guess. I thought talking about this stuff with other queer people would be constructive, but like some of you said, I have reflecting to do.
Next time you break it to someone that their Catholic upbringing has rendered them unable to function, I'd ask you to be a bit friendlier as you drive my jaw into the curb. Thanks!
I thought that people wanted me to be the same. Nobody told me I was supposed to be actively changing and doing new stuff. I thought that people's approval was a sign that "you're doing great, keep chugging along!"
So I chugged along. I had my system and it worked until I had a complete breakdown.
And now I'm in the post-. I can't unthink the thoughts I've had. Those happened. Now I have to understand why, and how to move on. There's no "wow I was scrolling for 8 hours today and I got a smoothie" until who I am makes more sense.
I feel like an outsider because everyone knows each other already, and then it gets perpetuated because they all keep talking and I keep not knowing how to get in. I basically don't speak unless spoken to, to the point that I don't understand the instinct to go up and talk to someone, like I think that's made up. I really am wilding out
This ended up being a lot tbh
dysphoria, suicide
It feels like my habits are etched in stone. I just keep recreating the same situation where I have needs and I can't speak on them, I'm scared to ask questions, I don't know people as well so I keep to myself. I feel like any amount of space I take up is too much for people.
Sometimes I feel like Girl Me is growing, deep inside, and Boy Me is rotting and watching his flesh turn rancid. Girl Me wants to claw her way out, and Boy Me is desperate to retreat back in. Part of me wants to begin and part of me wants to end.
I feel like I'm trapped on rails, and heading straight toward a cliff. And nobody sees that I'm trapped. In fact, they're cheering as the traincar finally careens off the edge. And for a second, that feels like attention. That feels like love. Something that I did got someone to feel, if just for a moment.
I am constantly fighting my own thoughts and everyone just thinks I'm quiet and aloof when I'm actually fucking trapped in my head. If I say words out loud, congrats, because those words had to conquer an entire 128 team bracket in order for me to actually say them.
I don't know if I have social instincts. Like, I don't know. Maybe people perceive me, evolutionarily, as a stump or small hill or something because I'm too introverted or neurodivergent or gay or something. Idk.
