The Internet in Ancient Times

No Elamites, no Sea Peoples. Flint knappers accepted, bronze casters preferred.

I give you Tut's nuts.

So, embarassing story: I went to the baths, took off my clothes, and left my tunic there. I had nobody to watch them because my slave ran away the other day, and when I came back, it was gone. So, if there's anyone nearby willing to lend me an extra tunic, please DM me ASAP. It's getting cold here.

P.S. Does anyone know any good curses to write on my curse tablet?

Hey fam, I’ve been dispatching riders to the East but three different cities have been completely ghosting me.

I just wanted to tell them about the hilarious caravan of nomads I kicked out of the palace. Some warlord named “Temu Jin” sent them so I took their stuff and shaved their beards. Probably another Kara Qhitai joker laying yet another claim to Khwarazm.

Anyway let me know what you think, is there some kind of weather on the way? I see a huge cloud of dust from the East so maybe my messengers stopped to shelter. I’ll check it out real quick, be back later!

So, I happen to be a king near the Mediterranean (not telling where bc I don't wannna doxx myself), and the other day a messanger ran into my palace shouting "the sea people are coming!".

I told him that there can't be 'sea people' because people live on land and not in the sea, but he kept insisting that there are 'sea people' and they're coming, so I had him drowned to prove that people living in the sea is impossible.

Now all kids in the city are talking about 'sea people' and it's driving me nuts. I hope this trend goes away soon.

Make Athens Great Again!

Would someone tell me how this happened? We were the fucking vanguard of Mastabahs in this country. The Sekhemkhet Mastabah was the Mastabah to own. Then the other guy came out with bigger Mastabah. Were we scared? Hell, no. Because we hit back with a little thing called the Mastabat Neferefre. That's Epic. But you know what happened next? Shut up, I'm telling you what happened—the bastards went Mastabah al-Fir'aun. Now we're standing around with our cocks in our hands, building insufficient Mastabahs. Mudbrick or no, suddenly we're the chumps. Well, fuck it. We're going six Mastabahs.

Rain start. Put out tribe fire. Tribe cold. Grunk go to other tribe. Grunk steal fire. Other tribe cold. We warm. AITA?

So, the other day I thought I smelled smoke somewhere, and my house was on fire. There happened to be some of Crassus' slaves around and they refused to put out the fire until I sold my house to him for a ridiculously low price. My atrium is ruined and now he's charging us an unbelievable amount of rent.

Pretty cool, right? You should see the axes it makes!