Dads

Hi Dads,

I made a post over in !fedigrow@lemm.ee about possibly consolidating the many dad groups down to just one (at least for now) to encourage activity.

The general consensus was that we focus discussion over at !fatherverse@midwest.social because, among some other reasons, it’s the only community that seems to have an active mod.

I hope you’ll join me in posting over there!

I hope you all have a great day!

For me I think it would to have a full enough English breakfast with the family, a mug of proper coffee, where I don't have to make any of it.

Then selfishly I'd love to spend most of the day on my own without doing any chores or being constantly nagged: watch some F1 if it were to be on, read my book on the sofa, enjoy a small beer (Tiny Rebel, Clwb Tropica).

Then in the late afternoon, go out for some food for some decent pub food or an Indian.

What about you?

First born nipper of seven weeks is well for which I count my blessings. Fresh challenges for daddy though: I don't have the emotional and physical comfort from my girlfriend that I had become accustomed to. Obviously, she is looking after a baby for everything she's worth, with me right behind her. We're breastfeeding. Circumstances conspired for me to get away for a night out a week ago - for the first time - with my best friend and it was wonderful. I was a lot less stressed afterwards and had a lot more to give the next day. But it also reminded me of the time before we had our baby; fun, sex, freedom, all that jazz. We managed to have some rushed sexy time a few weeks ago (thanks grandpa), a couple of brief cuddles and a couple of limited heart-to-heart chats but really I feel like I'm basically just a cook, potwash, caretaker and babysitter. Whilst being hyper-focussed our baby, she also tries her best not to overload me, which I'm grateful for. But I'm not getting much love, care, understanding or respect from anywhere at the moment. Nice moments with my daughter just about keeps me in the game tbh. Do any of you recongnise this? Can you offer any light at the end of the tunnel, recommend what to do? I'm feeling very strapped in. Thanks

Keen to hear any novel ideas (or just the humdrum of your weekend).

Planning on watching Raiders of the Lost Ark and / or Star Trek Voyager with the 10 year old myself. Going on a decent hike and playground with the gang also in the mix.

The usual sports stuff.

Shift handover with mum is at 2am, and it looks like the bab is going to take it to the wire tonight.

There isn't, as far as I can tell, anything actually wrong. The mite just doesn't want to sleep...

We're currently looking to start a family, so I thought I'd hit up YT for some advice as a male and the priority skew is mental. The most important thing is having a boy, apparently. Not tips for being supportive, how to help your partner, how to deal with anxieties about money and time.

Bonus feed

!

Dad's of Lemmy could you share some good advice for someone just starting a family please :D

I was cuddling with my 20 month year old daughter, who's vocabulary is limited to just "dad" and "hot", on our bed the other evening watching Snail on the Whale, when all of a sudden, after 10 minutes of complete silence, in her cute little voice she randomly babbles: "die bitch". My poker face skills were seriously put to the test.

It's been a fun four years since I last had to have these around the house....but alas it's time to bring the potty out once more.

Hopefully he takes to it as well as his sister. I am not confident.

This is something I've always struggled with and I think it's put my daughter in a spot where she's very reluctant to do anything by herself.

Don't get me wrong, she plays well with others and her younger brother, but when he's not available she basically just wants to play with me rather than going off on her own and playing by herself.

Now I don't mind, but I wouldn't mind a bit of...not playing time but also I'm worried it's going to affect her going down the line.

Thoughts?

How has your week been? How are the kids? What's going on and what have you got planned?

Welcome to Saturday Moanings, your safe place to vent, moan and otherwise just....have a good whine about the world, your household and everything in between.

Which makes me wonder. Dad's of Lemmy...what's the worst advice you've ever received about parenting?

My eldest is screaming because she didn't get as many eggs as she thought she would. Thanks Bluey.

How's your weekend going?

My 2yo has one night with kind of a blue hour every other week, where he wakes up in the night and is just completely awake for 1-2,5 hours. Wanting to read books, maybe snack a bit.

They’re more common for him when there’s something up (milestones like learning a lot new words, when he learned to walk, teething, …)

Do any of you experience them? How do you handle this? We manage okay with keeping the light low, reading books that he can choose, but otherwise enforced staying in the bed.

Just gone 2 weeks past the due date for our first baby...

Everything seems to be perfectly fine; plenty of movement, scans all good, mum-to-be well and had some 'jelly' discharge today and yesterday. But we (mostly mum) have been struggling to relax and trust it.

After friends and family constantly checking in for updates and stirring us up we turned our phones off the other day, which helped a lot. Today mum sent a message to a bunch of them asking them to lay off until she contacts them.

All was good until this afternoon when she spoke to a midwife who said "if you get reduced movements come in immediately." That set her off again and since then she's been fretting on mumsnet and reading a book about it. I'm finding it hard to help her to relax. She's really worried about missing a crucial piece of information and making a bad move somewhere. I don't want her to be in anxiety.

For my part, I've actually been getting more chilled out since the due date for some reason. For a few months I was going hell for leather to get everything ready, had a couple of weeks or so around the due date of epic suspense and now it's almost hard to take seriously that it's about to happen.

We don't want an induction out of pure impatience and psychodrama and, like I said, bump is fine.

Maybe this is just a rant but do you guys have any experience or reflections on this?

Many thanks

Good things bad things. Feel free to vent!

We just made pizza together woop woop!

Moanings fellow Dad's. Hows life?

I've had the week off work and despite it being a nonstop exhausting battle to the death with two young kids...I've had a really nice time with them both. In short: fuck work for robbing me of that time with my kids.....

At the same time my partner vowed to take the kids out for a few hours today so I'm looking forward to a bit of Me time.

How's your week been?

Just spent £18 (yes EIGHTEEN) to take my Son to the softplay for two hours of off-peak play.

What in the hell is going on.

Example: I'm awful when it comes to the kids waking up throughout the night. It's not so much that I don't deal with it well, cause I do, but more that the prospect of it causing significant anxiety in me.

It's something I'm working on every single day, but still something that gets the better of me at times, especially now I've got a school age kid who's coming home sick every few days.

Where do you feel like you need to improve as a parent?

Well done on making the weekend. I guarantee that in 3-4 hours, when you're on your 30th 'Daddy can I?' if the day you'll be wishing you were at work.

Anyway. Thinking of making this a weekly thing. What do we think about that? A chance to let off some steam and generally just vent about our kids, the role of Dad or the wider world at large.

What's grinding your gears in your world right now?

I've finally got my daughter's party tomorrow. Despite handing out the invites some six weeks ago we're still getting people who are accepting the invite (do these people not check their childrens bags?). I think we've got everything in order, but I won't lie...I can't wait for it to be over and done with. I'm stressed, Mummy is stressed, the entire endeavour has cost £300 all in and suddenly the offer of financial help from my parents blew away like the flame atop a birthday candle.

How's your week been/going/expected to go

Plans? What are you getting the woman who's delivered you to the pinnacle of human existence: Fatherhood?

Tomorrow. Don't forget. And absolutely don't ask to go for a nap.

I loath it, but alas, it is for the children.

What character from a TV show that also has a book is your child going to school dressed as? And how much did you have to fork out for the costume?

I have my first child due very soon. It's already been an internal oddysey for me during pregnancy and I'm aware that that's just the beginning of it. But you lot are on the other side of the birth, so:

What should I understand right now to help me keep the courage and love to embrace this?

Also, a very humble request that you could spare a wish that our baby is born well. I really want it and anything might help!

Thanks!

I'm not entirely sure what this post is for, I guess I'm just looking for some advice, maybe a little understanding?

The last few weeks I've been feeling incredibly overwhelmed, overworked and generally just burnt out.

For context I work a 50 hour week in a warehouse; it's a pretty crap job that physically really takes it out of me. My weekends? Well my partner then goes to work for 2 days; which means I'm solo-parenting the five and two year old.

The eldest is full of sass, and the youngest is still yet to sleep through the night and appears to be dropping his one and only nap; meaning he's super grumpy all the time.

Parenting is hard work at the best of time, but right now all I seem to do is work and then solo-parent. And it's the solo part that I'm struggling with. There's no time to share the load with Mum (and she'd say the same thing) , there's no time to focus on housework whilst the other parent handles the kids, there's not even any time to sit down as a family and enjoy an evening dinner.

Work. Parent. Work. Parent. It's absolutely exhausting and there doesn't appear to be any light at the end of the tunnel.

Update

Just wanted to say thank you for the kind messages. I vowed to have a good day yesterday and as much as the kids tried to stop that, I did end up having a pretty good time.

Parenting is hard, so I really value having a place to come talk about those issues in a safe space. Once again, thank you.

You made it. Now for the real work to begin.

I've taken an early day (on the understanding that my partner and the kids would be out) so I was planning on getting some reading time in. Unfortunately for me, the family is not out, and now I'm regretting my choices. Oh well.

Tomorrow? No idea. I've almost ran out of decent ways to keep the kids occupied during the months of bad weather, and am eagerly looking forward to the spring and summer months.

What are you guys planning for the weekend?

One of the first things I noticed when we embarked on this great adventure was just how tailed to Mum everything seemed to be.

I get it, they're likely to be the ones doing the majority of the caregiving, but still, as a hands-on dad I couldn't help but feel a little...pushed out by things. Nothing massive for sure, but little things like how a good chunk of the online resources are written as if Mum is reading exclusively. Or how pretty much every baby group in my area is advertised as a Mum and Baby group. It's far from the end of the world, but it can be pretty intimidating and unwelcoming to a new Dad.

I guess I just wanted to say that today was a good day.

I had some... challenges when it came to becoming a dad for the second time, and so last year (his first birthday) was a bit of a rough one for me. I love the kid, but I struggle at times.....

I wanted to make sure that this year, things were different. And they were. I took the day off work, Lil'man had the day out with me and mummy (sorry big sis - school for you) and he absolutely loved it.

Lots of cake. Lots of photos. Lots of hugs and smiles, and lots of memories. A good day for sure.

Having a rough morning fellas. The lil'one has been up since 6 and to be frank, won't stop. The eldest is finally at school but even that was a nightmare.

So in this brief moment of respite I thought this might be a handy way of relieving a little stress; a pressure valve if you will.

Finish the sentence:

'I love my kids but....'

*This is a safe space. Feel free to vent

Low key one of the most stressful things I've ever done. And we're taking the easy way out and having a softplay party.

There's still so much to do. Invites, gift bags, food and dietary requirements, cake! And then you've got all the other worries...what if no one turns up, what if everyone has a bad time? What if my kid locks up and spends the entire time crying and/or not wanting to play?

It's going to be okay right?????

Won't lie. The last few weeks have been rough. My eldest is pushing boundaries at an alarming rate, and the youngest still hasn't slept through the night.

I've not been very well and work has been getting me down. All in all, our household isn't having a rough spell. It gets easier riiiiiight?

The first time in my near-six year spell as a parent I finally had the fabled 'supermarket meltdown'.

Not for transparency sake I'll admit, the meltdown began the Moment we left the house and I had the nerve, the gaul to...hold my two year olds hand whilst walking to the shops.

30 minutes later and, well we get to the shops. I've been kicked, hit and screamed at for the entire walk because my unruly toddler didn't want to hold my hand...but also didn't want to be carried.

And then it happened. Lemons. We didn't need lemons. He didn't truly even want them. But alas, he decided this was his hill to die on, and oh boy.

Told him no. Offered him my hand. Nothing. He wouldn't budge from the lemons. My eldest is off doing her own thing with grandad, but even they heard what was to come: the scream. So much screaming.

I scooped him up whilst trying to hold a jar of Bolagnese sauce and a packet of Garlic and Herb New Potatoes and quickly made my way to the middle of the store. As my toddler screams with the intensity of a thousand angry sun-gods I hand him the goods and make my way outside, away from judging eyes. My son then proceeds to scream for a further five minutes before ultimately, giving in and accepting defeat.

So yeah. That was my Sunday afternoon. I handled it fine but bloody hell it took the shine of what should have been a nice little walk.

How have your kids pissed you off recently??

My mother is having the kids, both of them.

For the first time in six years me and my sleep deprived partner are having a night away from our spawn kids at the same time.

Granted we've got to go to a hotel to do it, and we've got to be back before mid-day tomorrow....but one whole night baby!

We're gonna get food. We're gonna fall asleep on an uncomfortable bed and get woken up early by someone making far too much noise...but at least it won't be our kid.

Small victories and all that.

My eldest (5) recently started showing an interest in litter picking. So we grabbed her a stick and she started using it on the way home from school (with an adults supervision).

I mean don't get me wrong, she's a nightmare as soon as she gets in the door but for that brief 25 minute walk home she's making me super proud.

The eldest decided she didn't actually like the fireworks, so she cried for twenty minutes whilst we left....only to then tell us she didn't want to leave when we finally got back to the car.

Then when we got stuck in the inevitable exit traffic both kids were screaming in the car for a good 20 minutes.

Finally get home, little man goes to bed, the daughter is flirting with the idea of bedtime........and the neighbours start letting the big boys off.

I don't condone terrorism but sometimes I wonder if my life wouldn't be easier if Fawkes and his mates had actually pulled it off, the mad lads.

How's your 'Bonfire weekend' going?

What did you find harder, or perhaps 'a bigger shock to the system'. Going from zero kids to one, or going from one to two, two to three.

Sorry for the word-salad. I'd have written a shorter post, but I don't have the time.

We all stumble. We don't always have someone to talk to about it, so there's this thread. What went wrong and can you ever forgive yourself? Probably not, if you're like me. No judgment.