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This is an unpopular opinion and I’m probably going to be downvoted to oblivion, but I really think the gym needs to be a protected place for any form of “hitting on” people. I’ve been a gym rat for >a decade now, and I’ve honestly only seen the gym become more and more sexualized. It should be a place where people go to better themselves and don’t have to worry about how they look in the presence of other people. It’s about pushing yourself and getting better based upon your own standard, not someone else’s. I think it should be like sacred ground in that regard. Male, female, non-binary, straight, bi…. Regardless of your sexual orientation or gender you shouldn’t have to think twice about being hit on at the gym.
As much as I understand your opinion, I'm really struggling to understand how couples meet outside of apps now. I've been in a long-term monogamous relationship for more than 20 years, I'm completely out of the loop.
I'm single and I don't know either.
I've been single for five years now.
I got rid of social media and then COVID hit.
I honestly don't even know how to socialize anymore let alone date.
Fortunately or unfortunately as the case may be, my relationship history has me so jaded, that I really don't have any desire to date.
If I did desire such a thing, I have no idea how I would go about it. There aren't any more physical community places unless you wanna go get shitfaced in a bar, and I'm long since past those days.
No idea to be honest, I’m in the same boat as you—23 years this past fall. I think it’s mostly apps.
Another reason to continue working on my couple everyday! Please don't leave me wifey!
Bars/Pubs. The booze helps lubricate those social wheels. Or friends of friends being introduced to each other.
But honestly anywhere could be a place to meet someone if you're not a creep about it and don't try to force it.
Kinda sucks when you don't drink though. Best advice I've heard was to take up a social hobby, but I haven't a clue what that would be either.
Like you said, find an excuse to leave your house I guess.
I think there need to be social locations like bars for people who don't drink (or don't drink a lot) but do use cannabis. Weed "bars" where you can have a similar social situation with a different type of social lubricant that gets people talking.
That still wouldn't cover everyone, obviously, but it would add to the mix.
Best advice I’ve heard was to take up a social hobby, but I haven’t a clue what that would be either.
The problem with that is that I have zero tolerance for stupidity and superstition, so I'd have a lousy time in most conversations or initial dates.
"What sign are you?"
"Check!"
...
"What church do you go to?"
"Check!"
Good to hear!
Oh man, I know that feeling all too well! MySpace was a thing when I was last dating, so it's like an entire world has passed by. A while back, I was at a bar with a friend, and he let me swipe through Tinder on his account while he got a round in, and having that kind of easy access to dating when I was younger would've been absolutely petrifying.
having that kind of easy access to dating when I was younger would’ve been absolutely petrifying
To fair many don't see that as "easy access to dating" but as a fast track to public humiliation. For me it would be like those apps don't exist, I'd never use them.
Yep, it is petrifying
I've used MeetUp to find local events geared towards single folks. Some groups are really good...others not so much. It's helped me get used to socializing and meeting new people again though.
Have been in a monogamous relationship for a while as well. I think that the rreliance on apps is a false need, cultivated to make more money on said apps as their goal isn't to lose customers by finding good matches but to keep extracting profits. There's a significant conflict of interest that makes me think that they are little more than a scam that ocassionally helps people hook-up despite the companies' best efforts.
Glad that I don't have to deal with dating and dread the idea that I may have to in the future because I hate it but my suggestions would be:
If looking to cultivate something with long-term potential, put relationship goals on the backburner and participate in an interest that has a possible social component. If one is genuinely interested, they will find people who find them interesting.
If looking to get laid, probably bars in the US (unfortunately, not usually a great place to meet people just looking to socialize, unlike Ireland or the UK).
Alternatively, if one is into kinks or curious and able to be not creepy (can be extra challenging for single men), getting involved with a kink/fetish community that does non-play meet-ups might be a good option. As noted, it can be a bit of a challenge for single men to get accepted, but is not impossible. This is because such groups tend to be very zealous about protecting their community and single men have historically been higher-risk for abuse, assault, and not honoring kink contracts. (As a man, I don't like the discrimination but do understand and agree with it as I'd rather some guy get hurt feelings than someone end up in the ICU or a dumpster).
This is, in fact, a popular opinion, especially by women.
Tell that to the women that go to my gym with their asses hanging out. I mean I'm honestly offended because I'm here to spend time with myself in self-reflection and conditioning but now it's ruined because I'm asking myself all kinds of questions like "how much little validation does she get from life that she needs to do that? And she's looking around, scanning for eyes. She knows wtf she's doing. Women will complain about being sexualized as an object and then do shit like this! If she needs male attention that badly, why here, of all places? Does she not have parents? I'd hate to be this girls father. Then again, there probably isn't a father in her life if she's going out like this. I mean it's not even an aesthetic body! If you have sculpted leg muscles, etc then fine. You've earned the right to show that off. But this chick doesn't even have a noteworthy ass. The only thing noteworthy is that it's outside of her shorts. Why the fuck would you do this to me? I'd still hit it though."
I would recommend bringing this up with your therapist.
Maybe they want to be comfortable at the gym and don't care what you think of their ass.
Yeah I refuse to believe that any synthetic fibre clinging that tightly to you can be comfortable. Heck i've spoken to a lot of women who would rather wear something more modest & comfortable but can't find it because the stores don't stock it.
Okay, if the stores don't stock it, it's still not that they want you to look at their ass, it's that they have no choice in the matter.
yee
On the contrary, I have two real life friend couples who met at the gym and are now married with children.
If consenting adults are meeting one another in a public space, they should be free to approach each other.
I think the biggest problem is that people go straight to trying to flirt or hit on someone... We've spent too much time on Tinder where it is sending as many one-liner pick-up style openers that people start to think that is a normal way for an interaction out in the world to go. Generally, the majority has forgotten how to talk to people face to face in real life in a normal and appropriate manner.
Also, if they are now married with children, I have to assume they met a few years ago and at least possibly, maybe even likely, it happened before the shit hit the fan like it has now. The dating world has been rapidly changing over the last few years.
If consenting adults are meeting one another in a public space
"Consent" is a problem when men try to hit on women using headphones, or when people don't get the hint that you really don't want to have a conversation with strangers.
But that's more an issue of modern society's overall problem with lack of courtesy, not a specific problem when it comes to trying to find a girlfriend of boyfriend.
What type of gym? Class or solo working out?
I think I wasn’t being specific enough in my use case—I don’t think a man or woman who is working out alone at the gym (especially with headphones on) should ever be worried about being bothered by someone else with sexual/romantic intentions. I think going to group classes (or something like a climbing gym) changes that somewhat, as there is a social aspect to it.
Glad it worked out for your friends, but the disrespectful way I see some younger folks act in the gym sometimes really just disgusts me. It’s one of the reasons I built a home gym. My perspective may be skewed since I’m in a densely populated urban area that skews towards a younger gym population, but it’s been my experience since about 2017 or so.
Sounds like what you propose is some common sense for the ones trying to hit on someone who's not interested. And I would say that would make sense everywhere, not only in the gym
Yeah, just don't bother people wearing headphones period. If they wanted to be bothered, they wouldn't be wearing headphones.
What if you want to listen to your own playlist or podcast, but also wouldn't mind conversing should the opportunity arise?
I don't agree that headphones should automatically include antisocial implications.
You can't have it both ways. Wearing headphones is a pretty universal signal that you don't want to be bothered.
I used to shift one headphone off ear to indicate that I'm ok to talk
It sounds like the way those people act would be a big problem anywhere, and they probably wouldn’t abide by any new etiquette rules unless the gym was ready to lose money by throwing them out. And even in that case, they could just follow their target to the parking lot which would probably be even more uncomfortable and scary.
People SHOULD be safe from harassment no matter where they are. But I think any place that brings people together is going to eventually create some relationships.
Ok, but how do I know if she 'consents' to being approached before talking to her?
That's the thing, you never could know. Back in the old days you would ask things like "hey you wanna maybe go out sometime" but now since that itself is an affront for which you can be publicly shamed without needing to be pushy or make unwanted physical contact, the only places acceptable to meet people are the bars and apps. I think the only way to fix it is to either create new public spaces centered around dating that don't center around alcohol, or to culturally shift back a little from "it isn't ok to ask a woman out anywhere but the bar" to "asking people out is ok as long as you take no for an answer the first time and don't push, and don't touch 'em."
Also you bring up an interesting point: consent to being talked to. If one needs to give consent to be talked to, and one cannot give consent under the influence of alcohol, then one cannot be spoken to while drinking, therefore I deduce the bar is the most inappropriate place to meet women and the gym is leagues more appropriate since everyone is mostly sober there. Watson! Get my gym shorts! (Yes this part was a joke, I hope the Sherlock Holmes reference was a clue to that.)
Permanently Deleted
I have several choices on how to sort comments. He could have gone to the bottom for me (but not by stating the common opinion)
I think, the rule of not being bothered if you don't want to communicate should be applied everywhere. Also, I find it healthier if people talk to each other at least a bit, but I mostly attended a gym with a stable population (and quite a long time ago, unfortunately) so that may have affected my opinion
I don't think it's an unpopular opinion so much as unrealistic one.
Cultivating your body at the gym means you will look attractive at the gym. This is just how the human body is, and the gym is a place for everyone. If you don't like that it's a place for everyone, go outside. There are plenty of things you can do with just your body weight to stay healthy. You can get your own weights, as well. You do not need to destroy your body systematically in order to maximize gains and aesthetic in order to stay healthy. If you decide to do so, you take what comes with it. "It" being gym bros hitting on you during your workout. Simply turn them down and move on.
I agree that it's unrealistic, but for a different reason. So long as the gym is one of comparitively few acceptable public spaces for people to "socialise with intent of romance" people will flock to it for that reason. Any gym that enforced some kind of 'no flirting' rule is incurring a real financial risk.
I don’t know… this justification reads a lot to me like telling a black person in 1950s America that if they want to eat out at a restaurant they need to be willing to tolerate what comes with “it”— It being harassment by white people.
We should make unjust behavior unacceptable; we shouldn’t encourage others to “tolerate it and move on.”
Hitting on people is equivalent to racial segregation and centuries of hatred...? Besides that whole can of worms, how did your parents meet? My dad hit on my mom at a summer camp. I met my wife by hitting on her at a store. Hitting on people is the most traditional way people hook up. Weird to me that people are trying to demonize public flirting.
Weird to me that people are trying to demonize public flirting.
People like you want to demonize the desire to be left alone by strangers, and sadly you're in the majority, so stop whining.
Humans are social creatures by nature. Some of us prefer to be left alone, but others welcome the company and advances of strangers. I don't think it makes sense to demonize people for wanting to be left alone, but respect goes both ways. People are going to flirt. People are going to like it, other people aren't. Everyone is valid. Reject and move on. Be rejected and move on.
Clearly just an anti-social person trying to force their narrow views on everybody.
You're one of those super special 'introvert' people, that aren't really introvert, but just anti-social, right? What have the bad, bad extroverts done to you? Did you have to leave your house and go to work? Or did you even have to talk to a cashier yesterday. Poor soul.
And you are one of those "forced social" who accost people with headphones when you're bored or horny, and then call the uninterested women "bitches" and the uninterested men "assholes" when you don't engage directly in fights with them, right?
You're not entitled to people's attention or interest.
You're a dumbass. I never engaged anyone with headphones, because that's a clear sign of not wanting to communicate. Your dumb mug isn't one. Maybe you should stay in your 4 walls or wear a sign with 'I'm an anti-social twat, so don't talk to me.', if you don't want anybody talking to you ever. Smartass.
You're a dumbass. I never engaged anyone with headphones, because that's a clear sign of not wanting to communicate.
That may be true (I doubt it, but whatever), but legions of guys don't care about that kind of hint.
Maybe you should stay in your 4 walls or wear a sign with 'I'm an anti-social twat, so don't talk to me.', if you don't want anybody talking to you ever. Smartass.
Yeah, I see how engaging with you it's certain to be a delightful experience.
I nearly puked myself reading that comparison. You getting hit on in the Gym is nothing like being a black person in the 50s.
I couldn't* care less what it reads like to you, in your world nobody talks to anyone and everything is black and white. I'm good, I won't ever want to live in your world.
Edit: the video
In yours, people is entitled to bother anyone at any time, and I'm pretty sure that nobody takes "no" for an answer, so I'm pretty sure your interlocutor wouldn't want to live there, either. Neither do I.
"Simply turn them down and move on"
Yep, I can see how you'd think someone who says these words would also think that it's ok to harass someone. Your logic is incredible, please continue.
Turning a legion of hopefuls takes time and a mental toll. Not wanting to deal with that effort is perfectly legitimate. I know you don't think so, but it is.
Again, the gym is for everyone. Never said it was wrong to not want to deal with people hitting on you.