Sorry for the potentially controversial question: is it normal for less attractive people to settle down with partners they don't find physically attractive?
Sorry for the potentially controversial question: is it normal for less attractive people to settle down with partners they don't find physically attractive?
i think that liking a person can make you physically attracted to them. i didnt look at either of my partners the first time and drop jaw on the floor... but once i became friends and developed a crush they started to look cute! my current partner is very attractive to me now :)
Throughout life, the things you find important change. This is true for more than just physical attraction and what you look for in a partner. I think a lot of people, attractive or not, pair up with people that don't fit their ideas about what is gorgeous. Everybody who doesn't die young is going to get old and wrinkly, so if you want a good life partner, you're going to have to prioritize personality traits and common interests over physical attractiveness, otherwise you're going to end up paired up with somebody who doesn't do it for you.
Everybody who doesn't die young is going to get old and wrinkly
I'm certainly not disagreeing with you, but let's not overlook how protecting your skin from sun exposure can help as the years pile on.
they say looks are the first things to go. not great long term criteria.
You should never date someone you aren’t attracted to. That won’t end well. That doesn’t mean they have to be a ten but you have to be attracted to them
I tried. It doesn't work at all and you just end up hurting that person.
I'm not handsome by any stretch of the imagination, but I still can't find honey booboos mom attractive, so I have to stay single.
I'm also just an absolute waste of oxygen, joke of a human being so there's that too lol
That is quite literally not how attraction works.
As someone already mentioned, the more you get to know a person, the more attractive (or less attractive) they objectively become to you. I firmly believed that my wife was beautiful, and as our relationship soured and she started cheating on me, she quite literally became physically uglier in my eyes.
It's just how the brain works. If you love someone, they're beautiful. End of story.
For me (a woman - averagely good looking not beautiful or ugly) physical attraction is a yes/no immediate screening by my scumbag subconscious brain and no guy has ever moved from the no bucket into the yes bucket, because to land in the "No" means looks bad enough I can't get past it.
But no guy has ever been attractive to me based only on looks either. Looking better than ok really means nothing.
So not physically attractive? Sure, maybe. Literally physically unattractive to me? No.
It happens pretty often because physical attraction is just one facet of attraction - you can find someone extremely attractive but not for physical reasons... some people even have trouble processing physical attraction and identify as sapiosexual.
If you don't find someone physically attractive, how do you settle down with them? Do you just accept getting into bed with someone you're physically repulsed by every night?
Not every relationship is based on physical attraction and, by extension, sex
I'm not denying that ace spectrum people have relationships and settle down as well. But OP is asking about the normative (read allosexual) experience and explicitly mentions physical attraction.
The vast majority of relationships will involve physical attraction and sex. It's highly unusual for that to not be the case for allosexual people. That's not a value judgement—if a minority of allo people find something else works for them, then that's great. But if OP is asking if this is normal, then no it's not. Even 'less attractive' people, as OP put it, find people they're attracted to enough to enjoy a lifetime of intimacy and sex with.
Overcoming a lack of physical attraction is a pretty big barrier and I can't see most people overcoming that barrier just to 'settle down.' Not being your physical ideal is one thing, most of us settle down with people who don't look like models or actors, but finding someone physically unattractive is a tough sell in most cases.
There is a lot of room between attraction and repulsion though. A not ideal looking person who is so good in bed, loves you and you get along with? Maybe they are neutral to you looks-wise but hot for reasons other than looks.
Someone whose looks repel you? No, that's never going to work.
Relatedly, I know someone who seems highly compatible but who I'm not attracted to at all. How would I even manage that? There's no way I could hide it, even if that was justifiable, so how do you say "you're almost physically repulsive to me, but I want to date you anyway" without being a dick? (I'm reasonably good looking myself)
I really wasn’t attracted to my now husband at all when we met. I remember also really disliking his smell (not BO, just regular pheromones or whatever).
11 years later we are extremely happily married and he’s sexy as fuck. His appearance hasn’t changed (except that he’s actually a little overweight now and looks a decade older) but every day he’s just hotter and hotter. Not like a “I just love him so much on the inside.” Like I genuinely perceive him to be extremely physically attractive (and equally good to smell) and look back on early days with complete confusion.
n=1 so grain of salt and whatnot, but I’d say if you’re vibing enough to make this a question worth asking then it’s probably worth giving it a shot to see if attraction develops
Edit: Please don’t actually tell them you’re not attracted to them though. That’s weird and unnecessary. You don’t need to lie either, just don’t comment on their appearance until/unless you start to notice those little things that have grown on you.
I would say don't. My ex was into me as a person but I was a skinny flat chested sort and his ideal was fat and curvy. I didn't want to be like that but it's dreadful to be loved "despite your looks". Really bad for self esteem.
It worked out in the end, not with him but the lean body type survives life, pregnancy, etc. without as much change (small don't fall!) and when I got older, more guys were into it because I've aged well, and I feel better looking now - not in an absolute sense but relative to others my age.
Basically - you don't find them attractive, be a good friend not a lover. Just because you don't like their looks doesn't mean nobody will. They might be someone else's type.
Yeah, the other respondent's theory seems to be that she'll figure it out, but won't ever bring it up because she's just so damn glad that someone more conventionally attractive likes her. I don't think I can rely on that.
I'm certain she's aware there's people who have unconventional tastes, and part of the reason she seems like a good choice for me is that she wouldn't beat around the bush if that's what she wanted.
Sounds like The Mirror Has Two Faces
If the movie is anything to go by, the secret will come out and there will be a fight but you'll also fall in love and become attracted to them before the credits roll
I didn't think people who stay in stable long term relationships look at it that way. The first thing to realize is that our brains are wonderful things. For instance I know my wife isn't going to model on the front page of Sports Illustrated any time soon. But to me she really is more attractive.
The more we find out about how our brains work in relationships, the less the idea of having to be perfect makes sense. Both with beauty and personality. If you have the best body and personality according to society then you're not unique. Millions of people are trying to make themselves into that image. Being yourself and being healthy are far more likely to land someone who actually cares about you.
Being attractive is mainly helpful in getting dates and having casual sex. Beyond that there needs to be actual compatibility of some kind, solid relationship skills, and a willingness to work at the relationship. Those are far more important over the long term than classic beauty because when you're older that's what's going to be there.
That all said, I'm not aware of anyone "settling" in the modern era. We seem to be far more content with our friend groups unless there's really something there.
Of all the things you love about someone, looks shouldn't even make the list.
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Well, what about people that aren't attractive. Are they supposed to never have partners?
The original question asked about physical attraction - not attraction overall.
There's lots of shit that makes people attractive and physical attraction is a rather minor portion of that equation for a lot of people.
Not planning to. I asked to try to gauge whether this was widespread behaviour.
I understand wanting to get a read on how other relationships work, but I'd also like to say wayyy to many relationships are not good examples, and even the ones that do look like good examples can look very different from the inside.
Getting more information is almost always good, but be careful to take it with a grain of salt, and above all do what feels right by you and your partner over advice you got from people who's relationships you don't know too much about.
But that happens a lot doesn't?
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This happens on a timeline tho. They may have been variably attractive when they got together and just aged and there's more incentive for either to maintain the status quo than cut each other loose
Also eye of the beholder. Nobody is inherently attractive, they just sometimes have more qualities embodied by the culture/society/species/individuals' conventions of beauty and attractiveness
Why are you with someone you don't find attractive? Are you obligated to be in the relationship? Are you afraid of what happens without your partner?
A partner is someone you are happy to be with and if attractiveness is the sole determining factor, ask yourself what is unattractive about yourself. Why are they with you? Why don't they leave to find someone else?
In truth, attractiveness is great for starting a relationship but the relationship will evolve to become more about the connection you both share. In-jokes are the best part, old arguments are the worst. But it's something no one else would understand because it's between you two.
Wake up with your partner, see them after a night of restless sleep or being sick for a few days. No one is attractive then and hopefully this shows that attractiveness is not the only requirement for loving someone. The only requirement is that you love them, whole and true, for as long as you can.
If you don't love your partner, or find yourself doubting, have the courage to solve that difficulty. Be honest with yourself AND your partner. They are living with the hope that each day will be another in the story of your lives. Lying to them by hiding how you feel is building interest on a pain that could have been avoided.
'Normal' isn't the most useful word for describing human interactions. It's always going to be biased by your culture, upbringing and life experience.
A lot of people here are saying that people become more attractive as you get close to them, and I'm sure that's true--for them. Just to offer an alternative perspective, I find people less physically attractive the better I know them. I still love them and enjoy their company, and I wouldn't trade them for anything, but I just don't really want to be physically intimate with them past a certain point. I'm very independent and probably just not cut out for that kind of long-term relationship, but I'm also very open about it when talking to potential romantic partners. I don't want them putting all their eggs in one basket, especially when that basket is full of holes.
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I think what happens is that other attributes that they're attracted to make the person more attractive to them, so that they aren't weighting solely physical appearance. As in, they might not choose to hook with that person, but would still see that person as a solid choice for a life partner.
That said, it's horribly cruel to get into a relationship with someone that you have zero sexual desire towards, unless that person has no sexual desire at all. You may not be physically attracted to them, but you should still desire them sexually.
Yes
it happens and it doesn't work well if there's isn't some other quality(ies) that make(s) it meaningless.
I am mid looking person who has every high "standards" but can't score anybody that's hot.
Is you settleing or did you just realize how the market works.
WTF up with all these avg people think they better than other avg people. Grow the fuck up
Women usually do that for social status, I mean, for women usually if there is money(specifically what money involves not exactly money as it) they don't care about beauty.
As a man at least for me you need to learn to appreciate women beyond their beauty, you need to experience going out with ugly women as part of knowing about women. The 98% of women function exactly the same way if you get used to go out with ugly women you will learn to go out with beautiful women.
Think of beauty like something what will not last forever, the main point in women isn't their beauty but other characteristics like support and followship
Beauty isn't everything what matters in a relationship, there are other things what each role do which compliment each other.
Edit: I'm getting downvoted and maybe to oblivion because evidently there are people who know I'm saying the truth but they don't like someone to do that.
Some women do it for social status, absolutely - some men do too. Others do it for money, or fame, or because they have a nice house...
That is certainly not the norm and your suggestion that it is the norm and it is specifically for women is why you're being downvoted (at least, IMO).
I actually agree with a portion of the rest of your comment that beauty isn't that important... physical attraction is one facet of attraction and I'd argue it isn't even a particularly major one.
I think you're right, it may sound a bit strange from that point of view, I forgot to mention that 98% of men also function the same, although I must clarify that I am referring to a generality and not to a totality, meaning that there are exceptions.
