As a kid my dad gave me a manual on self-defense. The chapter on improvised weaponry suggested shitting your pants and flinging the turd at your assailant. It also suggested picking up a human-acclimated duck and throwing it.
I don't understand how someone can shit their pants and it be any thicker than milkshake consistency. I feel like I could hold back a poo that was clumpy forever.
There's only one answer: keep it in your pants til November, then hawk tuah voting booth and use it to fill in your ballot for Kamala Harris to save democracy.
Tie the legs to keep it from spilling, hold it away from the shit end, use centrifugal force to keep the shit at the shit ends, now you have a poison aoe and can deal blunt damage when a foe approaches your attack range, you're welcome.