How did you decide it was time to have kids?

I've always been a fence sitter as well, and for the longest part of my life I was kinda certain I didn't want any kids, but in hindsight that was mainly because the women I was with had no interest either. When I met the mother of my daughter, very early on in the relationship she straight up asked me if I could see myself as a parent at some point in the future. I said yes because that's the truth. I could just as well not see myself as a parent, but it wasn't a clear no.

Our daughter was born in the fifth year of our relationship. We would have loved to spend another couple of years just as the two of us, but she's several years older than me and approaching her 40s, so her biological clock was ticking. So we sat down and had a long talk about whether we actually wanted to do this. I've never been the most ambitious fella out there, and if there's an easy or comfortable way of doing something I'm likely to take it. With this topic though I didn't want to live the rest of my life thinking in the back of my head that my kid didn't get born because it would have been outside of my comfort zone. So we went and tried and my gf got pregnant within two months. Our daughter is 7 months now and a wonderful little drooling ball of energy and we love her to death. With all the uncertainty that comes with having a child, one thing is certain though: we don't want a second one :D

I didn't want kids. Now I have two. We didn't go for the third because we are getting too old for this (it is immensely taxing, physically and mentally) and well, we couldn't afford it (childcare is a monster that will take everything from you). I've spent an hour tonight to deal with a tantrum. But then he tells me (during the night, when he wakes me up to hold his hand to walk him to the bathroom) "you're the best daddy ever" (and I am certainly not!).

The most important thing is that you both know what is going to be for the first few years. Lots of being tired, very little free time, stress, possibly money worries, a LOT of literal shit to clean, trips to ER, no travel far away etc. Also, it could have career repercussions, especially for the mother (but also for the dad if he has/had to travel a lot for work).

I realize that I'm giving you a lot of reasons to NOT have kids, but look at it this way: after all the problems, I'm still happy that I did.

You know in your heart if you really want kids.

You know in your head whether you’re in the right situation to raise them.

Don’t have kids unless both you and your partner definitely want them. If you both really want kids, ask yourselves whether now is the right time or if there’s something you should wait for first, like career, housing, finances etc.

I can't answer the 'when' part—that's so individual that I'm not sure anyone has that answer for you and your specific situation. However, I can tell you how I finally decided that I did want them after being either a hard-no to fence-sitter in my early/mid twenties.

For me, it came down to what would I say if my kid ever looked at how horrible the world is, then looked back at me and asked "Why did you decide to have kids with everything the way it is?" For a while, I didn't have a good answer because, well, gestures widely at everything

But then for some reason something shifted and I came to a different conclusion. There are a lot of horrible people in this world, and I want to help put good people back into it.

It probably helps that my husband is the most amazing, kind person I've ever met, from an incredibly loving and supportive family. I never had that growing up (I don't even talk to my parents), and for the longest time I didn't want to pass on any residual toxicity. But he has been wonderful in showing me a better way and that also made me really excited to start a family with him specifically. I'm so excited that my kids get to grow up having his family as theirs, as well. They'll have the love and support I never got and I'm proud to pass on that kind of legacy instead of my own family's.

I'm rambling now, but I hope some of that was helpful at least.

This isn't quite what you asked for, but I've been in your position. I was never sure I actually wanted kids. Neither was my wife. And because I wasn't willing to alienate my family I'd keep telling them that "we're trying" whenever they asked me (never her; I drew that line in the sand immediately). And we did try, and we had a lot of fun trying. It just never happened for us, and frankly, we're glad that was the case.

We were both accidents, unplanned and unwanted (at first, or so my parents told me). We've come to believe that unplanned and unwanted kids never really stop being unwanted, and that their parents always resent them for altering the trajectories of their lives. So, in the absence of positive reasons to have kids, it was probably for the best that we didn't have kids. We weren't willing to commit to planning for kids and making them happen. We didn't want them enough, so it's a good thing we didn't have them.

TL;DR: all kids should be wantedd, and having kids ought to be a HELL YEAH OR NO situation. If you aren't absolutely sure you want kids, don't have them. It doesn't matter what your friends and family think or say; they won't be there helping you raise them. Nor does it matter what the rich and powerful say; they aren't going to help you either. Don't have kids unless you want them, and are willing to defy heaven and earth alike for their sake.

I had kids early because I still wanted to still be in my 40s, by the time we had an empty nest. Financially we were able to handle it, but you aren’t ever really ready, it’s just not something you can prepare for. The way you think your life is gonna go after kids, is never really close to the way it actually ends up after kids. Your perspective and priorities completely change

I decided that there was no way that an incipient fascist state could possibly subject my child to untold human suffering.

Oh wait