I need your help unfucking my mind. [CW: SA]

I think this post is kind of fucked up, but if you're as young and inexperienced as you say then I'll try to be charitable.

On "hotness": there is not some third party determining this. There is clearly not some theoretical hotter girl waiting in the wings. You either do not like her enough to be in a relationship, or need to give her some space until you get past this phase of socialized shallowness.

On her trauma: yikes, dude. She clearly has stuff to handle, but I think if you actually liked her you wouldn't be sharing it online.

On her job, the ability to have kids, and the future: double yikes. Slow down. Please just get familiar with having a relationship before you get ahead of yourself. Having kids and moving in together is years down the road. Lots changes about jobs in that time. I think you're just trying to justify reasons to not be in a relationship because you don't like her that much.

As someone who went through a string of almost relationships in similar ways, it really just sounds like you don't particularly like her and are confusing being able to have sex with wanting to be in a relationship. If you actually liked her, none of this would be an issue.

Best of luck.

Being with someone you like and have actual chemistry with is not comparable with hookups with other people, even if they're hotter. In my opinion, since you're clearly attracted to her you shouldn't look for another partner. Also, if she enjoys your company as much as you do, then she will be more motivated to lose weight. Your fitness knowledge will help her even more with this.

HOWEVER, I staunchly disagree with the sentiment in the comments regarding kids. This is something you should consider very early on in the relationship, especially since you're in your mid-20s and not, say, 18 or 20 years old. With a partner that also wants kids, you could have your first child in 5 years. What are you going to do 5 years from now if you're still with her and she still doesn't want kids? You'll have to either give up on being a father, or leave a long-term relationship to search for a partner with similar views on this matter.

You don't have to have the same view regarding children at this stage, just a similar or compatible one. One that absolutely wants kids and one that absolutely does not is not a compatible relationship and you're setting it up for failure.

I think that just by making this post, you already know how this is going to play out.

Well, you're both a bit broken, aren't you?

A relationship is building a third entity together. Not a child, a couple. Your calendars, habits, tastes will align very much.

Sex can be figured out later. If it's too boring you can find ways to spice it up. Not every relationship has to be monogamic, mature couples can figure something out.

I would say: keep talking, keep aligning expectations, keep opening up and being vulnerable with one another, keep true to yourself and one another, keep the respect up.

Algo, go to therapy. Both of you, separately, and both of you together, if possible at all. You've got a lot to unwind, but the journey of unfucking yourselves is very gratifying.

Later in life, everyone will be old and ugly. You'll both be healthy, happy and in shape, bu working well together. Play the long game, make your own goals, and win for yourselves. Not for anyone else's notion of winning.

Good luck. :)

But I am afraid of the future. I am afraid that if I start dating her now I end up regretting it later in life.

I suggest enjoy the relationship as it is now rather than imagining how it will be in the future. It's not like you have proposed so it's way too early to think about your combined incomes and stuff.

Dude chill you’re not marrying this person. Has she hinted at anything close to marriage/long term? You’re like 10 steps ahead. If you do end up spending years together nothing you posted is insurmountable.

Be cool baby 😎

One thing i've learned as i've gotten older is that oftentimes we are our own worst enemy when we get too in our heads about things. Sometimes we just need to let go of our preconceptions and the fantasies that we have constructed of an idealized version of our lives and how we wish things were instead of how they are. Just enjoy things for what they are. Take it one day at a time. It works out for as long as it works out, and when for whatever reason it doesn't anymore then you move on while trying to your best to leave as little damage behind as possible, and hopefully both you and the other person will have gained something positive from the experience. Just be honest about your intentions or lack thereof. Everything else can be solved if there is the will to do so.

Chemistry is pretty important. Beauty can fade. You could drop her and get some hot girl and she could stop going to the gym and genetics and bad eating could hit her like a truck and the memories of her being hot I would think wouldn't be enough to sustain a relationship like that. With time without chemistry the hottest person in the world IMO isn't going to be worth coming home to if you can't share things, if you don't feel that bond, that spark, that magic.

I'd say at the very least try to support her as a friend. You're both young enough that your minds can change on things like children. Have you considered for example the amount of work you'd have to put in as a father or were you imagining children as something a woman would take care of for you and you'd just have the fun parts? Her position especially seems one born of serious trauma and might be something that with counseling, with a healthy space, that she can overcome.

I know you probably know this but it bears saying anyways that love and relationships aren't all sunshine. They're sacrifice, pain, shared burdens, conflict resolution, etc.

I can't speak as to what you should do other than the fact if you feel such a spark, even if a romantic relationship isn't in the cards perhaps being best friends is. Given all she's gone through I'm sure she could use your support as a friend at least.

With luck her going to the gym, working out, getting fit will fire that spark of physical attraction you need. Worth a shot at least and you can go from there. Healthier bodies also lead to healthier minds so helping her with that will probably put her in a better place in terms of mental health, self-image, etc to start to move past childhood traumas.

Polysecure / Polywise, and other books exist.

The core of them are that there are multiple alternatives to the default diadic two person relationship. The alternative are easier to handle with awareness of attachment styles, that we can be nets of support, nurture and care for each other, but that we aren't able to fix other people and that when idea and reality clash reality wins.

Plenty of queer cuties are living in family and relationship networks that are not only of two people and if you want to be part of parenting a kid, that is possible. Even being a parent/dad/mother is possible, both via the sexual way or with medical support or due to a social setting.

There are plenty of ways to live. It is likely good to figure out what role you would like to have in your relationship and it likely isn't that of therapist (which likely wouldn't work in any case due to the double role). So outside support and transparent relationship styles might be good for you.

A week is very early and it is understandable to have thoughts when it is your first relationship. Keep talking with external support systems.

You don't have to shoulder your own stuff alone, neither have you to shoulder their stuff alone, neither do the both of yours have to shoulder stuff alone.

You should relax. Just let the relationship evolve naturally, there's no point worrying about children since you are still very young. Even if you don't end up marrying, it doesn't mean it was a bad relationship or a waste of time. Try to learn to be a good boyfriend, and enjoy.

💜

judged by my pears

Yeah... pears are some snooty fuckers...

Also... first relationships don't have to last forever. As others has commented, you like this person, you enjoy being with them, so just enjoy the now.

That's off topic, but I like your nickname 😂

You cannot force yourself to be attracted to someone. you do not date an 'ideal' future version of a person, you date the person as they are now. If you are not attracted to them now, do not hold on hoping they will magically change everything for you.

1. Money/Finances
2. Children
3. Physical attraction

That's three strikes on three incredibly important topics for a relationship. You will only end up hurting both parties if you go through with this. Good luck, I hope this works out for you.