What's this from?
Cold and lonely. Ran out of my main anti-hypertensive+anti-anxiety med, now there's nothing keeping my blood pressure high (as opposed to extremely high) unless I can smoke enough weed to do that. I don't really like it enough to try very hard 🤷 Had some kinda emotional crash thing last night, figured out I'm afraid to exist. Especially without an easy way out it feels like a terrifying commitment I'm not ready for. Sounds odd I guess but I don't pretend to be okay 🤷
Also, Minnesota's medicaid stuff is ass-garbage. Just gimme a website where I can poke the buttons and get everything done instantly. Oklahoma managed it. Somehow here it takes months and a bunch of bullshit snail mail and phone calls and I still don't have it fully set up (prescription coverage fuckingplease?!?) Grrrr!
Did I mention "cold and lonely?" Dunno if I'm even capable of feeling close to anycritter any more but bleeeh it hurts to not have anycritter I feel like I can yap at.
Anyway, back to days of daze. sarcastic "Wheee"
Rain and cool are nice :3 My attic gets soooooper stuffy so I've been liking that this place has decided to be Seattle for a little while 😅 Rain, rain, every day @.@ 🌧 I like storms and rain in general, though :3 At least, while sheltered I do.
So what is that movie, LotR Empire Strikes back? 😅 Reverse Return of the Jedi? ... Dunno why LotR is Star Wars now but I just woke up so I'm probably a little weird 😅
What's the thing with possums? I think I asked somewhere but either forgot the answer or didn't get a satisfactory one 😅 Hopefully that wasn't here.
Finally, my chance to say...
I use Arch, by the way :D
...Also, I tried Ubuntu and Mint and Fedora and some others (ages ago). Didn't like feeling like everything I wanted to do was stepping on the toes of some software that was trying to manage it for me, but not how I wanted or I just didn't want it managed for me.
I tend to alternate between Arch and Gentoo every few years. Sometimes Arch feels like it's making assumptions and doing things its way more than I want, but then Gentoo takes ages to install or update anything, is a bit more fiddly. I'll probably go back or maybe try out Funtoo again but for now I don't have a CPU that won't melt if I try to compile things (laptop-only booooo v.v!!) sooo Arch for now. :3 🤷
Hey you! Hi! :3 😝!
Also 90+ is horrifying 🙀 I'm Minnesotan now so a humid 66°F apparently feels hot to me now 😅 70ish seems to be the usual beginning of discomforty warmness. Is'pose I wanted to become a cooler-temperature critter, just didn't think it was gonna happen quite this way I guess 😅 New family and I just finished the second movie (extended edition for both, Ithink) recentlish so that's sortof a thing we're doing too. Not in theatre, though :3
Very strangely, home life is going great. I've joined a new family! Last one friggin' tried to kill me and did a piss-poor job of raising me, so having one where people talk to me and I can speak my mind and ask questions and they actually maybe even care about my life, rather than just trying to push me to make my life what they want and screw how I feel, basic decency, any kind of respect... Three decades is too long to keep treating someone like a misbehaving child! Anyway I've got a new name to wear, if I want 🤔 Idunno what the others with that name think about that, nor quite exactly how I feel 🤔 Hmmifications!
Went out to an extended-family partyish thingle just now. Got an odd Long Island Iced Tea! It was sour. That was odd. I liked it, though. Tried to get a Mai Tai but they didn't have something(s) they needed for it 😅 Tried to save some of the burger and tots for later but then I accidentally ate them all @.@ Was good :3
Adulting-life isn't so hot but hopefully it'll work out. Some like... paperworky governmenty crap to deal with, accidentally fuxxored up a money transfer and it's in the wrong bank and bleeegh that'll take a minute to fix. Gotta figure out income and get my head checked and fixed and also possibly find out what if anything is wrong with my liver 😅 Gotta wait for more paperwork before I can do that, though. Too much paper up here 🤔
Online/personal-quiet-???-life is... sadness. Apparently everycritter just assumes that what I need is to be left out in the cold like nobody notices or cares that I'm missing, or why, or anything. Depressness. I hope some day I'll have some healthy relationships and get to feel like I matter. Head's busted, though. Hard enough to properly feel anything, then there are messes and problems and glitches and on top of that there's the fact that hunams are very strange and I don't belong on this planet :|
It's kinda sickening to come back to my computer and just be like "Oh, right, I ran away 'cause nobody gives a shit and now I'm upset 'cause nobody gives a shit. Nothing left to do but sit around alone and dwell on my loneliness."
frusses noisily :-\
So that's where I'm at. Up here in my attic, sadness. Downstairs, new fam. Downstairs even more, phonecalls and other stress in the basement 😅 🤷
Also, maybe run in local elections. Apparently many trash people continually get reelected because they have literally no opposition. Could do some good for some people at least :-\
The points game is disgusting. I wish people would stop with the team sports BS and realize they're playing games with all of our lives.
spoiler
The article states that Sonny "grooms" Marie to be a housewife but she's clearly written to want to be. There's a difference between "look, these games are gross because you the player/player character coerce some poor girl into slaving away at home cooking and cleaning and raising kids for you" and "look, these games are gross because the writers made a character wanna be a tradwife with a job."
I had other stuff written but apparently didn't post any of that. Bleh. Tired now, not gonna agree (nor stop getting silently downvoted, gotta love that) anyway. Off I go ö/
Maybe it could've been clearer about that, then? I felt like it was really pushing the "Guy's a fuckin' cop-lover!" angle really hard to the point of skewing the facts a bit just to stress it.
Specifically, Open Season. Gross game, but not this big scary glowing radioactive thing and probably not the actual most reactionary game of the nineties. Article's kinda crap, really; the whole point is "a prick hired a prick to be involved in a prickish game."
[Sarcastic 'translation'] tl;dr: A lot of people who are relatively well-placed to understand how much technology is involved even in downvoting this post are downvoting this post because they're afraid of technology!
Just more fad-worshipping foolishness, drooling over a buzzword and upset that others call it what it is. I want it to be over but I'm sure whatever comes next will be just as infuriating. Oh no, now our cursors all have to change according to built-in (to the cursor, somehow, for some reason) software that tracks our sleep patterns! All of our cursors will be obsolete (?!??) unless they can scalably synergize with the business logic core to our something or other 😴
Gross! Couldn't even let schools decide, somehow it's important to ban them state-wide? Piss off.
[Lie] Okay so, cowboycrustation says I have to post or he's gonna pinch me 🙀
I currently seem to be somewhat less doomed than previously seemed likely. Turns out a kind critter contacted another who called for helps and yet another popped up like "Hay, we have a room just for critters like that one!" So now I'm here in a lil room of a four-critter family's place, in neat lil area @.@ It's gonna be awkweird but I've got somewhere to be other than frozen Minnesota street doom and there are critters trying to help me so I've got at least some kinda chance of getting by up here. Am sleepy now but the looming threat of crabby pinchings and/or pinchy crabbings compels me to post something so here it is :P 😅
Lots of new experiences, too. Hanging out playing board games on the floor of my hotel room with my new friends, who didn't even know each other... that was neat 😅 Neat day. Better than the previous one. I think. I don't really know what happened that day. Anyway, some things are happenifying. Also it's kinda cold here 😅
Oh, the city looks super different than my initial impression. I suppose part of that is riding in a car versus riding a bus or train, but it looked much more familiar on the way here. Also being daytime probably helped a lot. My initial impression was like, dark and enclosed and often a lil bit lost, riding light rail with a bunch of smokers, trying to navigate Mall of America with eighty bazillion hunams in it @.@ D: 🙀 ... That sort of thing. Muchly different! Anyway, I'ma nap or something now. @.@ 😴
(Or, hell, another nation while I'm dreaming 😅 :-\ ) Walls of backstory (possible to make a cross-instance link? Doesn't seem so): https://pawb.social/post/8062162 https://pawb.social/comment/7374899
Short backstory: Broken critter, 34 Earth-around-Sol-goings old, probably agoraphobic (as in fear-of-crossing-thresholds, not fear-of-public-spaces) and AuADHD. Stuck living with "family" but now they're abusive and near-violent. Called cops on me, tried to throw me out with nothing miles from the nearest town, threatened to cut off my Internet access as if keeping me from working out how to leave is the best way to make me leave. Hatefool logic stuff 🙄, bullies both.
This-post story: Is there anycritter who can
-Pick me up when I figure out where to go and/or give me/point me at a safe place to stay (am currently in northeastern Oklahoma, outside of a little town about forty minutes from Tulsa), or
-Help paw-holdguide me through figuring out how to settle in somewhere safer, even a decent* roommate who can maybe help me find the best places to go/be/work/eat/live/etc.?, or
-Just straight-up flee somewhere with me and help work stuff out together? Weird scary idea, sure, but... whatever I guess. Not as scary to me as going it alone, I think maybe. May be able to help financially, even. Probably ridiculous to even think any of this but it's a nice dream to just hop on a bus/plane/silt strider and piss off with somecritter to greener pastures 🤷 ...Presumably flipping every single bird at where we came from.
If not that, some advice on how much things even cost could be really useful. What does it cost to move these days? In time and US Dollars, particularly. And phone calls. Those are terrifying. Anyway Idunno what kind of budget to expect beyond single, discrete things. $100-350 bus fare to Minneapolis, $150-400 air fare depending on when. $60ish per night for a cheap hotel room near here, plus a $100-200(?) deposit I may not get back that apparently isn't mentioned very upfrontly. Those I can just look up but getting a full mental picture of like, a 25-hour bus trip including food/drinks, the bus fare itself, stuff I've not even thought of yet...??? I'd prefer to fly if I can, but then maybe I need a hotel somewhere because of a cancelled flight, and either spend twice as much on the ticket or have to find somewhere to stay for a bit over two weeks, and cab fare to get to the hotel if I need one (or more!), and... ugh!
PS: Sorry this is all really weird and maybe creepy. I'm really weird so maybe it's not unfair to be upfront about that 😅 but also I'm "a little" unsettled by this mess so I'm just kinda blurting things out hoping something makes sense and maybe helps :-\
\"Decent" in terms of interpersonal respect and whatnot, not like... "not weird" or something. Certainly not the video game, that's Des*cent.
Update 27th March, 03:36 CDT/08:36 UTC Just gonna talk to myself for a sec, I guess. Probably nocritter else up at this hour. 😓 Welcome to my diary! Or rather, you now are my diary. Congrats! It's an odd role. So, every day's a hell of a trip, and not a fun one. Hours of bad followed by struggle. Just now finally got around to doing some work. Bets on whether I make it? 🤷 Helps to talk...don't wanna drag anycritter down 🤷 Bleegh. Anyway, turns out stuff is big and space for packing stuff is not. Gotta figure out how much I can handle carting around, maybe see if I can find (and get) my carry-on luggage-thingle. Easiest just to cram what I can into a backpack and big-luggage I guess. Already have a couple of each in here. Was using them as catchalls <.< What goes, what stays... ugh. Very ugh. Triple hyper ugh! And the checked luggage fees... damn. Hurts being alone, in every way. Chatting yesterdayish was nice, just sad and quiet now. Am just crying out loud I guess 🤷
Could still really use:
- Somewhere to stay: for a week or a day (or until mid-next month when air fare's better, but who's wishing for miracles? Oh, it's me.)
- Somewhere to go: could be somecritter's weird wiggly
wroommate 🤷 Else maybe advice on where to look for an apartment. Idunno if "cheap and walkable" is a thing that exists but Idunno how the hell I'm gonna be able to get around 🤷 Currently just assuming I'm going to Minneapolis. No freaking clue what to do after that beyond looking for a box to hide in and snatching up like, a bowl and something cheap and edible to put into it. ... What a ridiculous "princess experiences real life" movie I've got going on here 🤦♀️ Anyone want a weird ugly pet to take care of 😅 - Maybe even just some company? At this point even a voice call sounds great. Fair warning: might just cry the whole time. Am already doing that, in fact.
- I still wish somecritter would just come rescue me but I totally didn't say that 'cause it's scary I guess 🤷 😶🌫️
Will even accept cis people! Only asked here because I'm a little bit familiar around here and can't bring myself to ask anywhere else.
Also, how does one get, say, a bunch of groceries from a shop to a home without a car to store it in? Just haul a bag or two at a time, make multiple trips if needed? Seems like that'd get unwieldy and dangerous really fast, even with like, only two bags but there are cans in there so they can't both be in one hand so like... 🙀 Kindof a shower thought I guess. Still hoping to get one of those today. 💡 Oyeah, maybe use the rolly luggage thingle.
Okay, it's been like an hour and a half just... rambling another wall of crap. I hope somecritter can like, study all' this or something. Maybe I can play a part in advancing Brokenology (scientific study of broken things).
Update 28th March, 04:50 CDT Just booked the flight. I've been looking at things, bus routes, shelters, apartments, hotels. Feels like I'm kidding the hell out of myself thinking I can do this at all. I should just quit. It'll be harder if I leave. I'll get there and I'll have no one and nothing but a big bag of crap someone's going to want to take. I can't do this. Why the fuck would I think I can do this? It's gonna be dozens of calls and days of wandering the city bleeding funds and maybe literally bleeding just to find out how fucked I am. I'm not built for this hell-world. I can barely handle getting a Discord call from someone I like, how am I gonna survive creating a life from nothing in a new city when there are people who've been there their whole lives, who aren't as broken as I am, who still rely on shelters and soup kitchens? I'll just die a slow, cold death instead of a quick painless one I can have here.
I'm sorry, I know no one wants this crap around. I just feel so damn lost, and like everything's set up so well to make sure I can't possibly be okay, ever.
Can't just buy a place to stay, even if I can afford it. Could get a hotel for like a week, then be totally fucked. Who's gonna hire me? Maybe somewhere truly horrific. And I'll struggle like hell to even apply. Why even try 😭 This is stupid, I'm just throwing my idiot self at a "nicer place" like it's gonna save me.
Managed to schedule a Lyft for Friday morning, to get me to the airport. I just feel really sick. Maybe I'll get a fascist driver who'll just shoot me and dump my corpse in the river. Probably a better fate than what I'll get trying to live a dream, like a total shithead. Ugh.
Nobody's even gonna show, I'll have to freaking scramble up an Uber, then when that falls through just go fuck myself trying to dream up a cab company that'll come out here. FML.
Heyuh, any hot tips on how I can get the hell out of this abuse house? BioParents have decided that one "no" is far too many and they've decided to try to break into my room. They're yelling a bunch of bullshit and telling me to get out but also they're trying to work out how to break into my room?!
I'm in rural northeastern Oklahoma; I've got a bit of money (assuming they don't rob me of that somehow) but no real means of supporting myself because I'm autistic and agoraphobic in the middle of nowhere, relying on them for everything. I've finally got just a little bit of help (some medications at least, nothing fancy) and it's just too little too late I guess.
tl;dr: BioParents threatening, bullying me. Need some kind of lasting escape, need help creating my own life if such thing is possible. Need to never be here again.
Edit: Sorry, I'm a bit scattered. Sorry if this is the wrong place for this. Couldn't find anywhere that is. Also I may lose "their" Internet connection because cutting me off from help is totally not abusing me but actually a reasonable way for them to "take back their property" (they want all of my keys as part of throwing me out, I've never been able to deal with confrontation and they know it... blah blah BS). May be able to use my phone... ugh.
Edit 2: They called the cops on me. Edit 3: The guy with the Punisher tat explained that no one had done anything wrong but they can't throw me out without going through the eviction process. BioMom has been through that process before (she used to run an apartment complex!) so she damn well knew she couldn't do that, and that the cops wouldn't help her unless they were just hardcore transphobes who'd just as soon shoot me. No shock to me, the only logical reason she called them was to bully me harder or just get me killed. Edit 4: Night now, managed a kitchen+toilet trip. Didn't get thrown directly into jail nor "institutionalized" for daring to disobey my dear sweet loving and supportive (sarcasm) mother and her imaginary right to invade every detail of my life. Still don't know where to go. I'm too old for many things, too young for others. Kinda afraid (ashamed?) to even try to contact any kind of shelter because like... they've got a handful of rooms and I'm gonna ask for one because I'm a thirty-something loser who's broken and getting thrown out? They made me broken and they're throwing me out for trying to keep one single detail of my life from her but... damn, is that really fair to ask, when others have been through so much worse? Besides, probably nowhere has any space available, so I'll just be stressing over a phone call or whatever and get nothing from it but more stress. FML, wish I'd been born to an actually decent family or not at all. (Edit 4b: No-go on the whole family/friends thing.) Edit 5: Still alive! Feels like none of this is even real, like I must've just dreamed it all. I think it's this room messing with my head, like nothing can ever change. Am just yapping I guess 🤷 (Edit 5b: Oh, edits count as bumps. Sorry >.<; ) Edit 6: Now BioMom's lashing out at BioDad too. Apparently she's going to take us to hell with her when/after(?) she dies. What the actual fuck. Anyway, in case he comes and kills me I'd like to mention that the new name I've been flirting with is Keris. Nocritter asked and I'm in no state to be soul-searching right now but I kinda want to say it, I guess. Might as well try to be as me as I can when I don't know if there's gonna be a me in ten minutes. On the plus side, if she decides to still go to her thing on Monday I'll have a window for escape. Just have to figure out how, and where to go. Edit 6b: Okay, not dead yet. No idea what's going on out there; haven't heard anything in a while. Realized I may sound a little insane being afraid of BioDad when BioMom is the one screaming about taking people to Hell with her. She's very movement impaired and can't get to my end of the house on her own. Sad, yes. Complicated. He, on the other paw, is as cruel as she lets him get by with. He's always been physically intimidating (though not yet "violent"), verbally abusive, always looking to do as much damage as he can without her scolding him for it. So if she's not a factor... he's a threat. Edit/Update 7: They taped a seven-day eviction notice to my door. Looks like state law requires thirty but Idunno if I can last that long anyway, given I'm afraid to even cross the lil hallway to get to the toilet. I'm very not okay, I need somewhere safe to go, at least long enough to calm down and figure out what the hell to do but there's just nothing for it. Might be able to afford a hotel for a couple weeks if I don't eat. I'm not eating anyway so maybe that's not so bad. No friends, no family, no space in shelters (and I don't meet anyone's criteria anyway), no place to go if I do manage to leave, no idea where else to even try or ask. Hell, I'm almost out of bottled water too. If any brave adventurers wanna swoop in and rescue me, now's the time :-\
Hi, shower thought time. Are we wiggly? Do we have an official wiggle, or wiggle style? I like to wiggles enbily, to demonstrate but Idunno if any-enby-critter else wiggles at all, let alone whether we've got a traditional/official/typical style of wiggle 🤔 Also, same question but for everything else. Share your favourite wiggles! Discuss the traditional enby wiggles, trans wiggles, weird wigglycritter wiggles... I'll even accept wriggles as well :3 Maybe wobbles too. Case-by-case, that one.
Late warning: this post is entirely 100% goofness :P
Firstly, buuuuump! hehehehehehehe
Secondly, so, my trip to enbyness has taken a bit of a circuitous route, right? It took ages to realize that, hey, y'know... maybe I don't have to be a guy. I can be a girl! Yaaay! Finally free! So I hatched and be'd a girl for a while (... where did the past decade go, please help me get it back). Well, I kindof always expected I'd end up creeping enby-ward at least a bit but recentlish I got to having some feels and it's been getting to the point where I'm occasionally getting bits of a second dose of that hatchy euphoria. Turns out, I can wear through the gender hangups and start to just be me, right? So, double-yay! Kinda feels like I'm cheating, honestly 😅 Most people only get to hatch zero times, and even lucky trans-critters mostly only get to hatch once. So here I am, delightedly double-dipping discovery, digging into my 'dentity and hoping maybe somecritter around here has a story to share :3 That or I'm just yapping into the void. Even still, maybe I can fan the lingering enbers (harharhar, see what I did there? :D ) of this community!
Also any neat tricks for finding/committing to names/colour schemes/avatars would be nice :3 Actually I should probably just have another poke at making an avatar and just go for it but eep >.<; Triple-eep at making a top-level post 🙀
Helloifications! So I've got a Cooler Master MP860 fancy-lighty-mousepad and was hoping it wouldn't be too hard to get at least basic control over the lighting (solid colour of my choice). I'm on Linux, so it looks like writing an OpenRGB controller (/kanging off' another CM mousepad's controller and hopefully not having to make more than minor tweaks ;P ) or begging someone else to is my best option for that. I'm not sure whether it's even possible to handle this on my own without reversing from a working setup (Windows+official tool/SignalRGB) that I don't have but I'd like to get something going other than this constant colour rotation.
Thoughts? Advice? Maybe I'm lucky and somecritter's already got a controller half-written? Also, I'd like to mention how odd and amusing it is to think of the phrase "brick a mousepad."
Kericake🥕 (They(/It)) @pawb.social Also maybe Riikka, or maybe formerly Riikka. Meep :3 They/Them, also transer than a box of transistors! wiggles transly Very cute, but also weird and sometimes kinda sharp Has been rescued...? ominous music plays