Asklemmy @lemmy.ml SnokenKeekaGuard @lemmy.dbzer0.com 1 yr. ago

What is smth toxic in a relationship you should not like but did/do?

We've all faced aome toxic traits in partners in some relationship. They're supposed to be warning signs but its easy to misinterpret them, what’s yours?

Could be anything from possessiveness or jealousy to argumentativeness or bossiness.

25 comments

Part of me enjoyed them making every little decision for me. I think it's why I ended up in that situation in the first place.

I was burnt out and just didn't want to think anymore, they came along and just controlled everything. For a little while it was nice.

But once I started getting better, they didn't want to relinquish control and it was hard to escape.

After 2 years I did escape, but I had to relearn what my likes and dislikes were. They had done such a thorough job of deciding everything I had forgotten even little things e.g. if I liked chinese food, or if that was just their preference.
- Hope you've rediscovered yourself ❤️. I know faaar too many women in a similar position.
  
  And I've known men, too. No indicator for OP, but its easy for anyone to fall into this trap.
- I feel like I currently would be vulnerable to such a thing
  
  Take care and watch out for yourself:)
When someone relied on me for every emotional need. It had me feeling wanted but it's not healthy in the long run, even though it felt nice. (nobody should need to feel wanted, and nobody should rely on just 1 person for support)
- Yep, same.
  
  I know it's not healthy, but in particular when I feel a bit unstable myself, having someone else be reliant on me, especially emotionally, helps feel me good about myself. And it also anchors me since I have a "job to do".
  
  But it's not healthy, I know. And before you say "get a pet", I do nowadays. 😅
  
  Maybe I need a pet. I've been working on myself for like 10 years and all I needed was a pet!
- I realized I had a bit of this myself when I saw barry.
- Permanently Deleted
  
  Well for me it was them messaging only me non stop, and them cancelling plans with their friends so they could spend time with me instead.
- Yup.
Part of me liked being love bombed. Through therapy I've been able to understand that this part of me is the traumatized child who desperately needed love.
- I feel like this is probably a common one.
They would stop replying to any message, be overall unreachable, ghosting me when we planned a getaway at that date.
I assumed they needed space. I'm fine with respecting boundaries, even if it stings nonetheless when you miss them.

But stopping literally existing out of the blue?
How much time do you need? Days, weeks? Should I wait for you to contact me? Should we cancel this weekend?
No way to get an answer. No, nothing.
Just toss a coin and try to find out.
- OP asked about stuff you ended up liking. It doesn't sound like you liked that.
  
  I didn't like the situation, but I still did it because I liked the relationship. I see where is the misunderstanding now. My bad, and thank you
- That sounds unbearable, Im sorry. Any chance this person was actually married or in another relationship?
  
  Nope, autistic burnout. Is the reason I stayed, for someone genuinely struggling.
  But now I'm out, never ever again.
Yelling and angry arguing. I grew up in an environment where everything is under the surface and behind your back so it felt like emotional honesty and made me feel like I could trust her more.
I will both lie and avoid to head off conflict. I would rather lie my face off than make my SO get angry at me; he tends to get angry about really petty shit so this is just me surviving how I can. I also keep him from some things about myself (really innocent things like that I go to church) simply because he'd become angry and try to stop it. Sometimes I feel like five different people, that there are parts of me for every different section of my life, the work me, the married me, the daughter me, the online me, and because I have to tiptoe around him a lot I feel kind of fragmented. . My therapist says this is common in trauma victims to feel like they have to be several different people. It's disjointed and unsatisfactory.
- Oh there's smth toxic here, but I don't think it's the lying. And I think you know that. Also, do you enjoy the lying?? Doesn't sound like.
  
  Not to make quick assumptions, but if your partner is influencing your life so negatively on such a regular basis, perhaps the relationship isn't a great idea.
  
  The fragmented feeling I understand, I think most people have a different personality for different groups. Good luck with therapy tho, hope you're doing well.
  
  I hate the lying. I don't lie in the rest of my life under other circumstances. I avoid it as much as possible, but if it'll save me from being yelled at I'll lie all I need to.
  
  The relationship is absolutely not a great idea, but unfortunately for financial reasons I can't make any changes. I dream of the life I'll have when I'm free, and how I'll pursue what I want instead of just working two jobs to stay afloat, while he has routine in my face temper tantrums about stupid shit; tonight it was a piece of spoiled fruit

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