2y ago

How do you pick yourself up after getting your heart broken?

I fell for someone who lives in a different country. We met while he was passing through mine, and then he later changed some of his travel plans to come back and see me again.

We saw each other every single day for over a month, he met most of my friends, we went on trips together and overall he was very loving and did all kinds of things that made me feel like we had something that could last beyond a fling. He told me he would be back again.

His feelings changed not long after he went back home, and he only admitted it to me once I confronted him after noticing him become more and more distant over 2 months. He said he found it hard to stay emotionally invested in someone so far away.

I get that long distance is hard and that people's feelings change. I just didn't think he'd lose feelings for me so easily. It hurts more than ending a relationship that has slowly burned out over time, because I just can't make sense of how quickly this happened. And I think a large part of why I got so attached is because I very rarely meet guys I'm genuinely interested in, let alone ones that treat me well.

Have any of you gone through something similar? If so, how did you cope with it? Was there anything that made it easier to accept, or do I just need to let time do its thing? I have a bunch of important things to finish this week and have already lost so much time crying lol.

80 comments

What you do?
You start getting into Linux, buy open source t shirts, grow a beard, listen to Stallman talks, and stop interacting with normies ever again. Only communicate through text travelling over open source technologies.
Make sure you spend enough hours in front of a keyboard to get a very pale skin color, reddish eyes and a rounded spine and neck. Pull down curtains so you see your screen better and avoid sunlight.
Drink lots of soda while sitting completely still so you gain fat and lose muscles.
I use Arch btw.
- I had to quit my job not long ago to recover from burnout, and for some reason I decided to start using Arch btw even though I'm a kind of a linux noob (maybe as a more acceptable form of self-harm) and spent the next month locked away to tinker with it.
  My setup is pretty much complete now, so I guess I'll just focus on growing a beard this time. Thanks for the great tips!
  
  The beard has to extend to your neck. Very important.
  
  Haha no problem. :) It's a great distro. And you know the old joke...
  How do you know someone is using arch?
  They will tell you.
  :)
- She might not want to grow a beard.
  
  Girls can't grow beards. But all genders can be heartbroken.
  If you follow my advice you will not be heartbroken again. In fact, you won't date anyone ever again, so you have lots of time to sharpen those skillz.

Hobbies, exercise, friends, family, and just putting yourself out there when you're ready. Also, time.

I had something similar happen a few years back. I had matched on tinder with someone from a different state that I actually met years ago in high school. I hadn't really been interested in him that way back then, but we reconnected and it was intense. We talked everyday and our birthdays both fell on the same weekend, so I went down there to visit him and celebrate together. Only a couple days in, he told me one night that he was falling in love with me. We built a pillow fort, partied, and went hiking together. I was absolutely smitten and so excited to start something new.
I ended up putting off the rest of my road trip to stay longer with him. However, when I finally did leave, I was driving through miles of desert when he texted me and said that he actually didn't see anything happening between us. He said that he wanted someone who knew when to "leave him the f alone" and wasn't looking for someone who wanted something super deep, but more so just companionship. It felt like such a rejection of who I was and I was gutted. I felt like it was somehow my fault. Since I didn't have signal, it was a rough drive alone with my thoughts.
Towards the end of the night, I ended up texting with a friend about it while I camped out (still on my road trip). It sucked at the time but looking back, he was kind of a prick. He had no shame about leading me on and he picked on me for little things while I was visiting him.
It's usually a bad sign when things feel so intense right off the bat. It's only easy for this guy to leave because he really doesn't know you well enough to know what he's missing out on. It might feel like you missed some chance, but it isn't your fault that this happened and there wasn't more you could do. Be gentle with yourself. ❤️ This guy wasn't honest with himself or with you about his feelings, and he ended up hurting you for it. It's clear to me that he likely isn't mature enough for you. Remind yourself that you were willing to go the distance, right? You did everything you could have. You want someone who will go the distance with you and follow you to the ends of the earth, and tbh, it's much more likely something to do with him, not you. Meaning that even if the distance wasn't an issue, you don't know if it would work either.
And you don't have to get over it right away. It's okay to just kind of drag through the days for a bit. But keep socializing, because other nice (and even attractive!) people will remind you that you still have something left and you're worth kindness from others. And do things for yourself. When I get lost after heartbreak, what has helped a lot is going for walks or hikes, sometimes on trails where the signal is iffy (so I don't expect a surprise text), with an audiobook or some music. I really wish you the most kindness. Feel free to shoot me a message if you need any extra support, I've been there.
- Wow, your story made me really sad for you, what a terrible way to be dumped. Thank you for sharing, it helps a lot to hear someone else's experience and remember that I'm not alone. Your comment really moved me I almost started crying again haha. Thank you for being so kind.

Brains are very good at eventually becoming comfortable with a new normal.
They're also good at being distracted temporarily.
If you can keep yourself busy with positive things (self improvement, cleaning, exercise, cooking), you give your brain space to become accustomed to the new status quo.
Meeting new people is always a good thing to do too, something to keep the social part of your brain from wallowing. Maybe join a local social activity (walking/hiking groups are great).

If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment.
-Markus Aurelius

Time heals all wounds. Make sure you don't keep reopening them.
- It sucks to hear when you're truly down. Feels like the pain will last forever. But it truly does start to fade after a while and continues to do so as time marches on.
  I've been through excruciating heartbreak a decade or so ago and it's just "meh" now.
- Which is also a way of saying, don't go dumping your issues on other innocent people who had nothing to do with it.
  You will know when you are ready.

Do you want some good news? You probably dodged a bullet. Based on what you're saying, he wouldn't be a good person for a long-term relationship, even if you two lived near each other.
Have any of you gone through something similar? If so, how did you cope with it?
Kind of. She broke up once she decided to go back with her parents (NB: she was around 24yo, I was 20), and we two had no pretension to keep a distance relationship.
In your situation I'd probably recommend focusing on the things that you need to finish this week. And when they're over, find something else to keep yourself busy. Time heals.

Eve: Time changes everything.
Dr. Gregory House: That's what people say, it's not true. Doing things changes things. Not doing things leaves things exactly as they were.
-House
Make new memories people. If you're a friend of someone in this position make sure to get them out and do things.

Time and keeping busy are the only things that help. You’re going to obsess over this regardless, but it will get better with time. Just try to keep your mind occupied.

You probably dodged a bullet there. This sounds a lot like someone who is already in a relationship or at the very least has a similarly strong reason to move on. Did they invite you over or was it always about them coming over?
Only time really works for me. This will be extra tough on you because the first month of a relationship is peak honeymoon phase. We rarely see any negatives. The other person is essentially perfect in our eyes during that period. And that's the memory and expectations you're left with. In truth though, you have at best only met the tip of the iceberg. You're not craving a person but rather the ideal your mind has built for them.
- I'm pretty confident it wasn't due to a secret relationship. He's a digital nomad so he's never in one place for very long, which he'd stated early on as to why he doesn't expect to have a long term relationship with anyone.
  So in fairness to him, he did try to manage my expectations. I knew it was a "situationship" and even told myself to not get too invested, just enjoy the moment with him etc and be ready to move on once he left.
  I lost sight of that the longer we spent together, and despite what he said at the beginning, I naively thought that things were naturally developing into something more serious and that he'd be willing to do something long distance with me.
  But in fairness to me also, he did say things like how he didn't expect that we'd become so close, that I was the first person to make him reconsider moving back to his home country, and he did all kinds of things that imo, most people wouldn't do for someone who's just a casual fling. It's just hard for me to understand that sort of inconsistency, but I guess all I can do is accept that people can be like that and that they'll disappoint you as a result.
- This sounds a lot like someone who is already in a relationship
  That sounds a bit harsh. As a guy I can tell you it can simply be due to long distance. If there is little perspective to see each other regularly it's easy to lose interest, especially if it's not your first relationship and you haven't spent that much time together to begin with like in this case

I got so attached is because I very rarely meet guys I'm genuinely interested in
Yup, it seems like u were a lot more invested in the relationship than him
Was there anything that made it easier to accept, or do I just need to let time do its thing?
That depends entirely on how u want to cope with it, some people (my self included) do some work out to sweat those feelings, some others go on a journey to experience any debauchery known to mankind, some other just drink some tea/coffee and call it a day.
Just do something that already makes u happy or try something new that u think is gonna make u feel better.

In the past, I just kept myself busy. I threw myself into work and my hobbies. If I got hit with a sudden wave of depression, I'd just take a deep breath, accept that it hurts, and try to refocus on whatever I was doing. Rinse and repeat until it eventually just stopped mattering to me.
I also told myself that if I'm having to convince someone to stay with me, we probably aren't as compatible as I'd imagined we were. And if I need a second person in my life to feel fulfilled, all that means is that I'm not living a fulfilling life for myself in the first place. That's worth changing before even considering finding a partner. Finally, even if I convinced that person to return to me, I honestly wouldn't feel the same way about them anymore, so what's the point? There was probably someone better for me out there anyway (spoiler: there was).
Start doing stuff for yourself that you can be proud of and brag about. Start accomplishing something you know you would never have if that other person stayed in your life. Give yourself a reason to love yourself before even considering bringing another person into the picture, because it's not fair to them or yourself if you need to depend upon them just to be happy.
- You're absolutely right. I've accomplished so much since my last - and abusive - relationship. For some reason I was able to recover from it very quickly, and I say this as someone who took 5 years to fully get over my first (also abusive) bf.
  I was VERY codependent and the relationship traumatized me, but less than 2 months after the breakup, I entered an international comedy competition and won first place. Suddenly people who didn't give a shit about me before wanted me on their shows. I had all sorts of new opportunities thrown at me and now I have a huge list of things I can happily brag about.
  I probably would never have taken that sort of plunge when I was with my ex. Maybe hitting rock bottom + the anger made me fearless, I don't know.
  I still struggle a bit with self-image and social anxiety, but I can see how far I've come and I think overall, I'm a pretty cool person.
  Thank you for reminding me that I don't have to settle for someone who doesn't see that. You're right, I shouldn't have to convince someone to be with me. I'll tell myself that next time I have a "everything reminds me of him :'(" moment (and I'm having a LOT of those, ughh)
  
  Hell yeah! You rock and don’t you forget it.

That’s why falling in love is a very slippery road — in the emotional sense. If you fall, you will finally hit something, that’s how it works in nature.
Loving someone or building a solid relation based on love with someone is so much harder and not so automatic as falling, it requires committing and communicating — learning a difference is a key to not fall but to be more aware of the process and ones deeper emotions, especially someone else’s.
My guess is that’s why it is easier for so many people to love animals because they don’t fall in love with them, they just feel the love and act accordingly.
— Obviously, all this is a giant oversimplification because this is just a simple comment on the internet, not reality.

You can’t really judge whether you would work long term, based on a relationship with someone who’s in travel or on vacation. People are more fun, generous, open, adventurous when traveling. It can be amazing and worth it, but the person (and the relationship) would not be that way forever.
Even in the first month of a normal relationship, its the honeymoon, desperately hopelessly in love phase. Add on the fact that he was traveling in another country -away from the pressures and doldrums of normal life - yeah, it was amazing. But he wouldn’t be that way forever. You had a special glimpse of the best he could be, but that’s not necessarily who he is every day, year in and year out.
But to answer your question: you have to actively make an effort to move on. It’s hard but try to do your best to see it as a fun experience that is in the past. You learned something from it - that you can love and be loved. And that you can love and let go, and move on as a stronger version of yourself.
- That's a great perspective and needed reality check. It's funny how even when you're aware you're in the honeymoon phase you can get so lost in it. But yeah, I hadn't even considered your first point and now you've given me more to consider. I truly appreciate it.

For feelings, the only way out is through. It sucks, but you gotta feel 'em to let 'em go. I'm sorry you're hurting.

I'm sorry to hear about your heartbreak. been there, it sucks. what I find helpful is a little bit of pampering (live show, bubble bath, etc). a change of scenery or visiting friends can help as well. I know it may should silly, but if you need to talk about it, chatGPT is an option that can be easier to be open with. I'd offer to listen, but that would sound creepy from a random stranger on the Internet. 😜
- A bubble bath would be soooo nice... if only I had a bathtub! I don't even have hot water 🥲
  And no, it's not at all creepy to be an open ear to a stranger, we should all practice being kind to one another. If chatGPT is a bust I may well hit you up ;)

I'm sorry that happened to you. It sucks, and I'm not going to say it doesn't.
At the end of the day, you lost something you cared about, whether it was the feeling, the person, or simply a companion, it's still a loss and your feelings are valid here.
I agree with others that you probably dodged a bullet. That doesn't make any of this okay, but I'll say this, would you want to stay with someone who gives up so easily on your relationship?
While finding someone you care about is difficult, and I won't diminish that challenge, it does happen, and as rare as it was to find this one, there will be others. It might not be soon, but it will happen. The fact is, as much as you may have wanted this to work out, it did not. You cannot force them to want to have a relationship with you.
Things will suck, and continue to suck for a while, unfortunately there's no quick fix for this pain; you can rationalize it, as I have started to here, and all of those arguments might be true and accurate, but that doesn't make it hurt less. Feelings are not rational. You can't argue yourself into feeling better, you'll just make yourself feel guilty for not feeling better sooner. Additional feelings of guilt will only make your healing process more difficult.
Remember: "The best revenge is living well". Whenever you get to the point of bitterness about it, remember that.
I know you have a lot to do, but remember to take care of yourself, it will be difficult for you to be productive if you're struggling with your emotional state, so take care of yourself.
- Your words are so compassionate and matter-of-fact at the same time, and I think that's just what I needed. It's truly appreciated, thank you <3
  
  It's my pleasure. I have been there and I empathize. Everything I've said is all the things I believe and live by. I'm one of those people that wants to be helpful and productive, so not being productive is somewhat foreign to me, but I've also been heartbroken, burned out, and tired beyond what is reasonable, to the point of being incapable of helping anyone or being productive, so I get it.
  I'm going through burnout right now, and I'm mentally incapable of being productive most of the time and when I can get something done, it's a fat cry from the amount I'd like to be productive, or how much I'm normally able to do, and I'm struggling. My challenge is different than yours, and, at the risk of sounding like I'm bragging (I definitely do not intend to brag), I'm lucky to have found someone who supports me, loves me, and has been with me throughout the process. My point there is that I'm very specific about the people I care about and let into my life. It took me nearly 20 years of searching before I found my SO, so don't give up. I've had a lot of one-off "flings" and less-than year long relationships in three pursuit of a suitable life partner, and it was hard; but in the end, it paid off.
  Don't give up. Don't settle, and don't sweat the small stuff. Decide what factors are important to you in a person, which ones demonstrate a character that you appreciate and will be compatible with, and continue your search when you are ready to do so. I had extensive criteria before getting into this relationship and my partner easily, without knowing it, and without effort, demonstrated every trait I was looking for, without my having to "test" them in any way, and without me having to ask any questions. They showed me who they are and I saw that they were far and above the minimum standard I set for someone to be my partner. It's important to have them live up to your expectations, not just for you to live up to theirs. Be fair, find compromise, but never settle.
  The best advice I can give you for your future search, when you are ready for it, is that it's more important to agree on principles, than it is to have shared interests. To demonstrate this from an easy example, if one individual in a relationship likes nice things, but the other is very thrifty and buys whatever is inexpensive, often ending up with a Hodge Podge of mismatched things (but they were a bargain).... Then that relationship is doomed from the get go. Anytime the person who likes nice things buys anything, the thrifty one will question why they spent so much, and anytime the thrifty one brings home an absolute bargain, the one that likes nice things, will be appalled at how "cheap" it is, this will serve to breed resentment and essentially sabotage the relationship in the long run. Everything from political beliefs, religion, frugalness, generosity.... Among so many others, all dictate our decisions and actions. If you can find someone riding the same train of logic and reason as you are, you're set, regardless of your jobs, or personal interests.

I was in a long distance relationship that didn't work out... this is going back about 9 years so I have a long perspective of it now.
Long story short I was in a short but emotionally intense fling with a girl who lived across the country. We had originally met in real life on a friends trip together (as we had mutual friends) and did a couple trips back and forth to see each other in person, spending every other night apart on the phone / video chat. She broke up with me after becoming interested in a guy back home, from what I heard from mutual friends.
It really hurt, I was crushed and didn't know what to do with my time anymore. We had developed this routine that was now torn away from me and I just wanted to drown my sorrows. I ended up just going out to bars and clubs most nights to keep myself entertained. About a month later I joined the online dating pool and went on a few dozen dates trying to recapture the connection.
I found something far better though, with someone I learned I related too far more personally and hobby wise, she became my wife and we have a beautiful toddler at home i'm struggling to get to take naps by himself.
Everything about the other girl is a distant memory, I forget her names most times it pops into my head - and that's going back years now. I still remember some lessons I learned from that relationship though.
That's all to say, life moves on and that's not just a sappy saying. You honestly will recover and be a better person for it.

It sounds like it was convenient for him at the time and he wasn't serious. Because it sounds pretty intense for a month long relationship, I'm also assuming he love-bombed you. All of that Is devastating.
I went through a very rough breakup about 5 years ago now. We were together 6, and I wasn't really okay until about 3 years after.
Everyone is different, but you'll get better, it will just take some time. Try to remember and tell yourself often that you weren't unworthy or anything, the guy just sounds emotionally immature and selfish. It felt like he was right for you at the time, but you seriously don't want to be with someone who's so careless with your feelings anyway.
- I feel so silly because a friend of mine showed concern early on, saying it's easy for guys who are avoidant/emotionally unavailable to love-bomb you at the beginning and mean it, but then they get freaked out and run. I was like "yeah yeah sure" thinking it'd either not happen, or that I'd be able to handle it when it did. Clearly, I could not handle it haha.
  
  There's a reason love-boming works, and we're all susceptible to it, so try not to beat yourself up for falling for him. We all want to be open to being loved, and people who love bomb tend to feel good when they're doing it. They're just able to detach easily, leaving you feeling confused and hurt after.
  I hope you do some things to show yourself love over the next few days. You deserve it.

I have, though it ended up with that person disappearing and trying to commit suicide. It took me a long time to get over the associated trauma.
The way I see it now is that love isn't something that will bind people to you and keep them with you forever. If you love someone, let them go, let them be free. If they still choose to be with you, then they love you too. If not, you couldn't have held on to that person without causing resentment and pain to both of you.
I hope some of this helps :)

I would not be too hard on yourself. Like you said long distance is extremely hard and kills relationships, even long term ones, let alone a young one like yours. It takes work - video calls, presents, routine conversation - and that comes from a commitment that you two hadn't established yet. Or perhaps he was never willing to provide.
It is scary how quickly feelings can change, but I put that down again to how little you guys had known each other. I also had a 3 month relationship that was amazing, and we went LDR and it was like I couldn't even remember their face or their voice after a while. If you had known him for say a year, it would have been a lot different.

treat yo self.
- This is really all that needs to be said.
- ... Gently
- Curious, how do you personally treat yoself? I could use ideas!

Many people find serious long-term commitments scary. A short-term commitment might be serious too, but because you expect it will end sooner, it might be easier for someone to get into. As a result of this phenomenon, expect that international relationships are going to end, enjoy them until they do, and if you're one of the lucky (?) few who break the trend, kudos to you.

It's simple. I've just abandoned any prospect of having significant other. I don't pursue anyone now

This last time, I couldn't.
I've given up trying.

80 comments