What do you look for in a sneaker?

Vans.

Spiders.

My wife picks out my sneakers, I have literally no clue how to buy them

Comfort, looks, quality, price. I like the retro stuff like Asics gel lytes and Saucony grid/shadow, Adidas ultraboost and the weird eqt stuff, and sometimes Nike flynit depending on the model.

Stealth mostly
- What makes a sneaker stealthy?
  
  they can sneak well
- A cunning linguist for sure.

- I am more for sneaky sprint, because I don't have the super jump ability.

And comfort!

I do my own sneaking these days. No need to hire someone to do a job you can easily do yourself.

durability and comfort over time. all shoes feel bouncy and nifty when new.
honestly the ideal dad shoe appears to be a new balance cross trainer from my experience. nike, adidas, new balance, sketchers and other shoes in the last few years - nb and sketchers appear to hold up better and feel better after a few hundred miles. YMMV, I do have like, goblin feet.

Cut to the shape of an actual foot and flexible/minimalistic sole. I live in the Midwest, so I'll compromise some ok sole thickness in the winter. Standing in snow with my kid at the bus stop in minimalistic soles and even thicker socks makes for quick feet.
Shape of your foot? I don't understand why you would want your toes/foot contorted. I do not understand shoes that have a point in the middle of them. Either you're smashing your toes together or your making something stick out in front of your foot that will mess up your gate.
Minimalistic sole? This will get you landing more softly on your heel and help you use the balls of your feet more. It's amazing to me how thick/soft the soles of some shoes are. I suspect they're necessary to compensate for the way a lot of us walk.
My feet feel fantastic and my motion feels very natural.
- Cut to the shape of an actual foot [...] I don’t understand why you would want your toes/foot contorted
  So much this! This is literally my criteria 1, 2 and 3 when choosing a sneaker, too.
  And there is now so little choice! Bullet-shaped sneakers have basically won the war against foot-shaped sneakers. I get the idea of design memes (think: fins on 1950s cars) but personally this one is completely mystifying to me. After all, sneakers code as "masculine", but what is less masculine than something that looks like a ballet shoe?? I don't get it!
  Come to think of it, maybe that's the explanation - maybe it's a corporate plot to make sports shoes unisex?
  BTW my two go-to vintage solutions are the New Balance 574 and the Onitsuka Ultimate 81. Coz it seems sneakers weren't shaped like medieval court shoes back in the early 80s! But get this: as far as I can tell, the Ultimate 81s are no longer produced and Asics has replaced them with a carbon-copy "new look" model which seem identical in every way except one - yes, they are now bullet-shaped! It's crazymaking!
  For the sake of sanity (and budget) I've decided to give up and go with the flow. Currently rocking a pair of Under Armour which are un-foot-shaped and ugly as hell but comfortable enough.
  
  And there is now so little choice!
  There has been a consolidation of the major brands, but there's a pretty solid niche market around foot shaped shoes.
  Vibrams are the extreme. Birkenstock sneakers are pretty well shaped, but their soles are a bit rigid. I don't mean that in a comfort way, I mean that in a bendable way.
  More recent, to me at least, entrants are groundies, xero shoes, Barebarics, belenka, and a ton more.

Stealth.

Low cost, high durability, comfort, lightweight, all black. Recommendations?

If I can find them I know they are a bad sneaker so I will avoid.

Wide toe box, durable sole, low drop, and elastic or elastic band closure.
- What shoe has these? I seek but I never find. Preferably that I can try on in Norway. So not Lems, unfortunately.

Feet.
- Like before you put them on?
  
  No, that would be weird. Why are you making it weird? Just feet, man, not the rest of a person, just their feet. Why are you making it weird. No legs or other squicky bits, just the feet.
- You’ve got to check out the B.C. coast.

The only things i look for in a shoe are small pieces of gravel that sometimes get in there.
But seriously: comfort/ support, and a big 'Ole loop on the back to make them easy to pull on.

Width. Most shoes are too narrow and pointy
- So much so that most people have their feet moulded to be thinner than what they would be naturally and it is normalised.
  I also noticed I was actually better at sprinting with sandals ^[for the few seconds before the velcro comes loose], than shoes due to the lack of sideways toe movability.
- Same

Comfort, which to me usually means:
good arch support
women's wide or men's standard (theoretically the same thing)
not a "stability" shoe (likely makes my supination worse)
I'm also a child who hates tying my shoes, so a style that's intended to slip on and off is preferred, but I can switch to elastic laces instead.

Usually a foot, but also sometimes a balled up sock that’s gone missing. Spiders, if I’m camping.

My job requires me to be on my feet constantly. I’m looking for all-day comfort, durability, support, overall quality, and a fair price. “Fair” doesn’t necessarily mean “low”. An inexpensive pair of sneakers can cost more over time if I have to replace them every year.

All black.
Soft squishy insoles.
Skater type shoe.
Will last more than a year.
Less than 100 bucks.
I have no brand loyalty. It's whatever checks those boxes and I'm vibin with the one time I accidentally walk into a shoe store every 5 years.

i have about 18 pair of the exact same shoe in different colors. keds::champion. i look for unique/old versions of this shoe
- I haven't owned 18 pairs of sneakers in my entire life, and I'm old.
  
  i can usually pick them up for < 20$ used.. most are straight cotton, machine washable.
  they wouldnt last very long if you wore them every day, but i have enough in rotation they seem to last forever
  
  The funny thing about collecting is that the collectors tend to have more of the thing they collect than the non-collectors.

Birds.
One morning I got up and found an explosion of feathers in the entry. I mentally said goodbye to the owner and decided it must be the smallest cat - because there was no sign of the bird and she eats everything.
Imagine my surprise when I went to put my shoe on and there was something soft and warm under my foot. There was a still-living, apparently unharmed, sparrow hiding in my sneaker. I released it outside and went on my way.
Not the most pleasant experience, but I'm luckier than my mother-in-law who found one of these in her shoe. They bite when they feel threatened - that's how she found it.
- I like how you never let a good question go to waste.

What, or who?
Comfort - wise I want long enough without being too big in every other direction. If I want to run in then, zero drop or close, not over constructed, comfortable out of the box. If I want to wear them for looks, it's just Converse, always. I don't need support and they fit fine and look ok.

Spiders and water. I don't want to find them so I look for them.

Cat toys.

low price with best quality I can get.

Comfort. I got into Atoms during the pan. At the time, they let you order different sized shoes because most people have slightly different sized feet. I got 10.5" on the right, 10.75" on the left. Best shoes I've ever owned.
I assume they're having financial problems because they stopped allowing that and they haven't replenished inventory for my sizes for six months or longer.

Print on demand.
If I want a very specific shoe, I can create it.
I want shoes with my fanart of DogDay and CatNap from Poppy Playtime and I will make them exist. One orange one purple both with yellow accents lfg

The Feiyue label and a $25 price tag

Setec Astronomy
- Mother would be proud.

They fit and last over 3-5 years
- This is entirely contingent on how much you wear them, of course.
  I get between 6 and 12 months out of a pair when used exclusively (yep, literally exclusively). Wide variety of models tried. The main thing to avoid is a fabric upper too close to the toe.
  
  The main thing to avoid is a fabric upper too close to the toe.
  I've switched to "barefoot" shoes (which should just be called "shoes that fit human feet" IMO), and now I get multiple years of daily use out of one pair.
  Like, more than 5 years. Cause the shoe doesn't constantly rub against toes and heel. Cause it, you know, fits.

Price, comfort, quality, looks.

I’ve recently started exclusively wearing Crocs. They are literally the ugliest shoes currently mass produced, but god fucking damnit they’re so fucking comfortable.
I used to have sore feet after walking a couple miles, but I recently walked 13 miles in my Crocs, and only by mile 10 or so were my feet sore. I think it’s cause I have really wide size 12 feet, and most size 12s don’t come in wide, but Crocs are just wide by default.
If they made less pug fugly Crocs, they’d be the most popular shoes in existence. Just fyi, they also eat socks like crazy. I’ve thrown away probably ten pairs of socks in the last few months, because Crocs will create gaping holes like they’re Ron Jeremy in his prime.
You can judge me all you want for wearing Crocs with socks, but I will never stop.
- It's about 10 years too late to make fun of someone for liking crocs. This is just white people culture now.

A big N on the side and the number "990" on the tongue. Anything else and I'm looking for a waste bin
- My friend says NB means “no bueno”
  
  Any reason why? Newbies are the only sneaker I've stuck with, and I'm not some middle-aged dad in cargo jorts.
  I had a pair of OG turtledove 350s from 2015, off-white dunks from when Virgil was still alive, plenty of Jordan's, Ultraboosts, Kill Bills by Onitsuka Tiger, Rick Owens Adidas springblades, etc., etc. I've grown up and soured on all those models and brands but New Balance 990s. Without a doubt the most versatile sneaker I've ever worn