12h ago

Is it wrong to put your career first and push getting into a relationship further later?

I don't get it. Everywhere I look there is this discussion about getting into a relationship, getting gfs/bfs and constantly chasing after it. And I'm not doing anything of it. I never paid attention to such stuff. During my teenage years, I thought it was normal attraction which people cave into and pursued such things. But now in my 20s, the same thing I observe, if not a little bit more than I used it. People getting sad because they are not finding someone. People being happy because they have one for themselves.

I'm not that career focused either. I just mind my own business. If it's studying or working, I just mind that. I do nothing like checking out girls in my school/workplace like my peers do. Maybe I'm just scared to pursue such things. I also think having a relationship is a huge headache too. Meeting them, making them happy, going out with them regularly. (I don't go out myself where will I take her to?). All of this while doing your daily stuff.

Am I wrong thinking to put career first before I get into relationships and stuff?

25 comments

No you're not. Everyone is different and as long as you don't avoid relationships out of principle, it's fine. But if that ever changes, stay open minded. Do what feels right.

I agree with those that say it really depends on what you want atm. If it's something you're actually wanting and think you can manage that with the other things you have going on, then as a 30 year old loner myself, I would say go for it—but maybe that's just me projecting. I've been bitching about getting into a relationship and make excuses nonstop but I ain't necessarily getting any younger. They'll probably make the movie 60 year old virgin about me, so look forward to that (the movie). 😉

Weird but not bad. More abnormal. Be aware others aren't waiting, so you may have slim pickings when the time comes

I'm surprised no one is really talking about asexuality. Sexuality is a spectrum. It's entirely possible and perfectly fine if romantic relationships aren't as important to you as they are to other people.
I know people who spend entire nights crying and reinforcing their dogs separation anxiety because they can't find a partner. Others that are much closer to retirement than college who have never had a serious romantic partner and don't seek one.
You probably shouldn't prioritize work over personal life. You also don't have to be in relationships if you don't want to. I would recommend keeping an open mind and not getting stuck on labels. If partners and relationships aren't something you think about a lot that's ok. If not having that bothers you then you might want to seek professional help to assist in figuring out why you're avoiding relationships.
Also keep in mind that basically every country on the planet heavily encourages marriage and children so get used to skipping all those options on your taxes and benefits.

Noone dies wishing they worked more.
- But almost every poor old person wishes they'd earned more when they were younger.
  
  Same. But I merely burnt-out+got Fibromyalgia at 32.
  I should have worked more harder. /s
- Also, "Work won't love you back."

Do what makes you happy

I mean, if that's what makes you feel fulfilled in life, you do you.
I can say that I've spoken with a lot of elderly people looking back on their lives and it's nearly unanimous that they all say they'd wish they'd spent less time at work and more with their family. I've never once heard someone say the opposite.
I'm in my late 30s, so still pretty young, but with a bit more experience than you. I can tell you that your employer will never care about you beyond what financial benefit you bring. They'll never be there for you when you hit hard times. They'll never help support you when you need it. They'll never be your shoulder to cry on or provide you emotional support. That's what friends and family are for.
Focus on your career if that's what you want right now, but be mindful of where you might be in 10, 20, or 30 years or where you want to be. Finding a partner in life doesn't just happen because you're successful in your career or expect it should. You need to put effort into making that happen. If you don't know what you want out of life, now is the time to experiment to figure that out. Do you want to be a career-driven person who spends most of their time selling your labor to someone else? Do you want to build a business you own yourself? Do you want to have kids and a family? Do you want to travel and experience a lot of the world?
These are questions only you can answer for yourself. You don't need to have the answers now, but now is the time to start figuring out those answers.

I think it can be long term a suboptimal strategy.
A good relationship can take many years to grow, and it's very likely that your best partner later in life is one who was there with you during the grind, who knows what it was like before vs after, and has the perspective.
Ideally, who also worked hard on their own career at the same time.
It's nice to have someone to support you during that period of your life, who remembers the tough times and you can reminisce later once things are better.
My partner and I have been together for 15 years now, and we both very much nostalgia all the time over when life was tougher, but also simpler.
I think if you get a partner later when all the dust us settled, you'll never quite be able to capture that same type if relationship and you'll never get quite as close as you could've, cuz they simply just weren't present for that period of your life.

nothing at all is wrong with building a career first if that is what you want to do. It is your life after all.

It will likely take some time to find a good partner. I don't think you can postpone til your late 30s and expect to quickly find a good match. Its fine if you're happy single - but if you think you're likely to want something different in the future, it's good to start working towards that, even just a little, now.

There's no right or wrong, just follow your interests. It's your life. Relationships are not much of a drain I find, but children are more demanding. There are benefits that can make your life better, if you find the right person to pair up with.

Nothing is wrong at all with that. For me I was in a relationship, but everyone started having kids and I didn't. I realized I didn't really want kids anyway and pushed on.
Now, I'm a big fan of "relationships aren't sought after", that you don't just go out and find one, but rather it happens by chance, or randomly. So I'd say maybe be open to it if it comes across? And that's also because the longer you wait the harder it is.

No,
However, be clear with potential lovers (if any) that you're not searching to get engaged yet. So people have clean expectation. Moreover, think about your mental well-being first and don't destroy your health by over working.

Depends on your priorities. Nothing inherently wrong with that.

If a relationship isn’t very important to you, you’re actually doing the right thing for your potential partner. Not everyone is meant to “pair up” with someone. If you’re happy and fulfilled right now, just keep doing what you’re doing. You always have the option to change things if you want to.

Maybe you are wrong. Unfortunately there is no way to know until after the fact. IF you find a great relationship that lasts that is a great thing. However that is a big if, many many people do, but many others think they have and then separate after some time to great heartache.
Career is something you do to live. If you love your job that can be a bad sign - you may accept abuse just to stay doing it. Even if the job doesn't abuse you, you will have days when you are sick of it (not might, you will!). There will be parts of your job that have to be done but you don't want to do them.
In short I think putting career first is wrong. However it may well be that you don't have a better option. Be open to a better option if you come across it, but searching for a worthwhile relationship is often not worth the cost. You have to open yourself up enough to get hurt before you can find out of it is a good relationship or not.
Remember you will die. In the meantime you need to eat, you need shelter. Most people find love is high on the things they want next. Also remember that the right answer for your will change over time.

You don't ever have to have a relationship if you don't want to, it's your life, live how you want. I do personally think there is a benefit to early life relationships, helps us learn to relate to others, people who stay alone for so long get too particular about their lives and can't always transition to shared lives. But that's not insurmountable even if it happens to you, and it might not, or you might decide you don't ever want to couple-up. All that is up to you, enjoy!

Gotta survive first, it's the hierarchy of needs.

Neither are a requirement for life, although you generally need at least one of the two.
Relationships are work, although the good ones only feel like work when there are conflicts and challenges. Even then, a good partner is a net benefit as two can accomplish more things than one.
Careers are kind of a nebulous series of jobs, which may or may not be a linear progression. They do generally reault in increasing income faste than inflation over time, but not always. Someone can switch caeers at any time, or just have a series of jobs, or even find a way to make money in a way that may or may not be considered a career.
Being in a relationship can also result in not needing to work at all if the single income of the other person is high enough.
So you should set your priorities based on your goals and what you want to put effort into. If that is a career now, you will have that established when looking for a relationship. If you chose a relationship, it may or may not help with a career or you may not need to pursue one. Whichever one you choose may end up getting switched at any point during your life because of accidents or incompatability so the most important thing is to focus on whichever you choose and if an opportunity for the other happens to pop up don't ignore it if you want both eventually.

I think part way into your post, you started leaning away from the question but I digress.
I haven't dated in 2 years going 3 but that is simply because there's too much going around me internally and externally to where I simply can't afford a relationship. A relationship is starting to seem like a luxury of its own, in a way of like investing into it. If you don't have anything in order in your life, why should you get into one? Because once you're in a relationship, you are always spending in some form. Spending money or time or both, usually both.
Just try to avoid potential partners that want to date you because you're succeeding in whatever career you pursue, because success can attract moochers and that's something you don't want that'll bring things down. There are some people out there that do find people who're focusing on careers or goals attractive and may want that since they're also doing the same thing. Maybe that's your type.

You question seems jumbled and I have interpreted as, "why do people care so much about relationships when I don't"
Its because you have different priorities in life. They enjoy their relationships, to you its indifferent. That's about it really.

I see everyone's already covered you to you, you don't have to do anything you don't want to to be happy.
Here's a different angle: people in their twenties should basically be in their peak sexuality. If your not feeling the hormonal urges, you might want to visit your doctor and get your hormones checked out.

25 comments