5d ago

I shouldn't care but I do. My father has been so absent throughout my whole life

Hi everyone. I created this community here on Lemmy because I wish to give others what I have never felt: the love and the support of a father.

My father is alive and well, but I've always felt like he was dead. I've never received support, love, or hugs but I instead received disapproval, criticisms, insults and high expectations from him. I remember telling kids in elementary school I had no dad.

I am at an age where this should not affect me. I am an adult with his own life but I am unable to feel indifferent to it. His words (or the lack thereof) still affect me. I want him to be proud of me, at least once in my lifetime, and whenever I try to say something that I think will make him proud, I always leave disappointed telling myself "never try again".

My mother was emotionally unavailable too as she has a schizophrenia diagnosis. I don't know what I am looking for by writing this post, maybe just some nice words.

I still wish to be someone's cherished son. Thank you for reading.

24 comments

Here you are, taking your pain and turning it into a source of good. Excellent. Well done. Again.

Man, this is a cool community concept. I keep meeting people who are left with life long PTSD because their parents were horrible to them. Let me be your 'dad for just a minute' to say this is a great idea, its great that you are doing something to make the world a better place, and I hope this grows. Good on ye.
- Seriously, you're doing good work OP. Good job, buddy.

Why should it not affect you? Because you're an adult you should have no emotions?
Humans are emotional beings—to run from them is to run from being human.
- Emotions are a blessing and a curse. But you’re right that we all need to learn to embrace them; both good and bad.
  
  If it helps, you might want to consider not characterising emotions as "good" or "bad". It's too easy to think of yourself badly for feeling "bad" emotions - something I have done many, many times.
  I try to think of emotions as useful or not. Sometimes feeling hate can be useful, if it leads to positive action. Sometimes feeling love can can be the opposite of useful, if it leads to negative action. When going through an emotion ask yourself if it can be useful. If it can, great! If not, then accept that, but don't beat yourself up for feeling a "bad" emotion. It's just not a useful one.

You’re doing a good thing here, and I’m proud of you. Asking for anything takes a lot of bravery and you’re showing so much courage doing in front of others like this, and I’m really chuffed to see you do it. And your showing compassion to others by opening up and sharing, I can’t tell you how proud you make us all.

I'm sorry for how your father treated you, and did not value you.
Adam Young has a great podcast, the place we find ourselves, and there's a great episode titled your kingdom (find it here) .
He has this powerful idea that, 'by harming you, evil unwittingly prepared you to rule your kingdom better than if you had not been abused.'
By building community in response to a hurt you feel keenly, you are following this principle.
I wish you all the best.

You never have control over your childhood, but you have control over your life. My dad was the unemotional 1950's style dad, but my mom was a 1970's style loving mom, so I had at a reasonable upbringing. However I feel the real win was in creating my own family with the right partner and raising kids in a much more loving environment. Create your own corner of the world and give your kids the love and care you never had. It's not a replacement for what you've missed in your own life, but in it's own way, it's even better because you're passing it on to the next generation. It will also help heal your own wounds.
My 3 kids are all teenagers now and I'm going to be releasing them on the world pretty soon and even now I still go around at night and each kid and I have our little routines of hugging each other and saying good night to each other. I'm happy and I feel lucky that I've been able to give them a happy supportive home to grown in. And in the end, what more can you ask for?

@tirednbored
It's great that you care! It has made you create this space to help yourself and others to heal. That's something to be proud!
Virtual hug from a virtual dad 🫂

I totally feel you. I was clearly NOT the favorite child growing up.
The problem is it takes a lot to be an actual parent and not everyone is up to the task. It isn’t your fault, you have worth and are deserving of love and support.
- Thank you lots <3

I'm a fifty year old man with supportive parents and a good circle of friends... and I still struggle, every day, to like and be at peace with myself.
So not only am I proud of you, and many others in here, be proud of yourself. Give yourself the credit that you know what you didn't get and have persisted throughout your life knowing it should have been better.
I think a program like big brothers / big sisters would be really beneficial to you. You'll get the chance to be for someone else what you never had.
You know the importance of it. Be that light for others. It's a nice feeling.
I'm not a Dad because I always figured I'd be a terrible one. But my wife and I took someone in who needed a ton of help... and I'm not qualified. But now I'm kind of a Dad, and I chose to be. I'm still not a good one but it doesn't much matter because if you're trying, you're likely doing well enough to make a difference and make someone feel valued and worthwhile.

Who says you shouldn't care? We carry our parental relationships through our lives. It's the kind of bond you can never truly sever. We are social animals who want love and acceptance from our primary care givers, even as adults.
Recognizing you can't squeeze blood from a stone is important though. You can only accept your parents for who they are. There's no use in re-traumatizing yourself every time you interact with them. You have to form your relationship with the parents you have, not the ones you wish you had. What that means exactly is up to you to figure out for yourself.
But here's the thing: You're old enough now to be the parent you always needed to your own inner child. It won't be easy, but recognize that that child deserved - and deserves! - all the love in the world. You didn't fail; your parents did.
I'm sorry if I can't offer much more than these scattered thoughts. I wish you find the love you need and deserve.

I'm proud of you! I'm proud of you for creating a space to heal yourself and others. I'm proud of you for reaching out within that space to connect with other people that need the support of a father AND the fathers that want to help (me).
Your emotional vulnerability in this space shows a maturity of character that will be necessary to confront the absence you've felt from your parents. Whether you know it or not, you are doing the work! You've already taken a stand against letting your abuse ripple throughout your life and the lives of those around you. Keep it up, kid!
Shit rolls down hill? Not in your watch!

The measure of a man (which is to say the measure of a person anyone should strive to be regardless of gender) is, by my account, how much they strive to improve the world in ways they may never have had or which may not directly benefit them. You take the pain, the injustice, the hardships, the inconveniences that you or other people face and you convert them through willpower, through privilege, through money, through luck into improvements for all of society. This is far easier said than done, especially every day, but easy shouldn't be the primary concern for the kind of person we wish to be.
In creating this sub, in seeking help or community or an opportunity to provide you demonstrate the actions of a man. For this I'm proud of you, and you should be proud of yourself today.
Do not confuse this with love, which from a parent (at least) should be unconditional. Regardless of if your parents are proud of you, they should love you. Regardless of your quality or your work or your current position or state you are deserving of love. You are not beyond love, you are not unlovable, you deserve love. Full stop. I can't offer that to you stranger, but I hope you experience it in your lifetime - more than once ideally. And even more so I hope you get yourself to a mental, emotional, and fiscal place where you can reciprocate that love (or better yet originate that love for someone else).
All I can offer is this act of love in the hopes you feel it, you appreciate it, and it heals (even partially) whatever you're feeling.
Strive to be a helper of your community and communities you don't know, to be a builder of bridges, and a giver of gifts and I promise you regardless of if your biological parents did their duty or not - you will find internal peace. You will inspire. You will love and be loved. I wish you had been given what your parents owe you, but if that fails I hope you can continue to turn that pain into improvement internally and externally.
Good luck and hard work.

I hope you can find a father figure in life. It’s never too late. I was blessed with a couple male role models who helped support and shape me where my parents couldn’t. There’s probably someone in your direct community, That would be a perfect match for you.

Between mental illness and abuse, I have no relationship with family and many have died young. There are others out there. Not having family is something that I always feel. I don’t think age has anything to do with it. In some ways I am jealous of those who have close bonds with their families, those who check in and take care of each other despite differences because they are family. On the other hand, I have some freedom. I can make my own traditions and enjoy peace during the most frenetic holiday season.

I'm really proud of you for thinking inwards about this. I think it's important for us to reflect on how we feel and why we feel that way-- it brings greater awareness of ourselves. It's a bit therapeutic in a way.
My father also wasn't the most supportive. I can't recall a single time he ever told me he loved me or was proud of me. It bothered me when i was younger but as i got older i realized he was just a man. I realized that there is no test for parenthood and he was just not cut out to be a parent.
Whatever his reason may be, just know that its not your fault. You're going a great job

My father was not a Bad Guy^¥, and he made so many mistakes as a parent (I admit bias here). But he was still my dad, and as a father myself I can appreciate the certain level of “gimme” that kids (at least when super young) give their parents.
I’m a Xennial, so I can appreciate the toxicity that surrounded men and emotions (Thanks John Wayne, Eastwood, and Leery 🙄).
Navigating adulthood has been a tricky task, and having emotionally unavailable and/or toxic parents (especially dads) does not make it any easier. But it’s not impossible.
The point is that I appreciate the level of courage it takes for you to teak free of those chains and that you’re out here setting the example for other men who need this kind of example.
^¥ He had a temper; spanking, yelling, tantrums, and violent posturing were his goto means to get you to do what he wanted. Unironically he was also a coward who hid behind the guise of pacifism to justify his inaction.
- Thank you for your nice words and I am so sorry for what you've been through, but judging from your profile picture seems like your little one will never experience something like that and it makes me so happy

You're doing good work making the world a little bit better for some people. Way to go.

Hi; that's such an emotive thing to share. I hope you can perhaps find the peace within yourself to reach out to your father. He may have had, himself a troubling past or issues and with your mother. Perhaps he has felt stressed and isolated himself from love and support.
I bet he is proud of you in ways he maybe cannot yet connect with, maybe try bonding, reaching out and breaking that shield that surround a lot of men; that feeling of wanting to be cared for, loved, to have done good, redemption, or acknowledgement.
Maybe try taking him for a meal, having a chat with him, buy him a pint. You would be surprised how many men will reach out and share with you if you show them equal vulnerability in the right moment.
Good luck and either way, you deserve acknowledgement, compassion, love & hugs yourself! and it will come!
Smile at the world and it will smile back :)
- I'm sorry but after the details OP shared, the chance of this happening are close to zero.
  "...whenever I try to say something that I think will make him proud, I always leave disappointed telling myself "never try again".
  I know exactly how that feels, and OP has likely been trying for more than 20 years. Plugging emotional quarters into a slot machine that never pays out. Talking to a brick wall feels better than trying to connect with a parent like this. At some point you just have to accept you didn't get what you needed from them and you won't, ever. It's not a matter of you trying hard enough. The parent just isn't capable of that emotional connection.
  And to OP, I haven't figured out how to not let it affect me either. You could look into trying to reparent yourself, though that only goes so far. I think looking for healthy male role models in spaces like this or IRL is also a good step. If you haven't read the book "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" I recommend it.

24 comments