What's the fastest you left a job?

This was decades ago.
Not even an hour on the job. I was early 20ish, new to a city, answered an ad for an art gallery receptionist. Had the interview at the gallery, guy seemed straight-forward, I got the gig, was told I'd start in a week. That night, around 2am he started leaving phone messages, saying we needed to have a meeting immediately. I needed to be at his house by 6am. Went from inappropriately sweet to hoarse with yelling down the phone at me within a day. Call after call at all hours for a week. Told me at 8pm on a Saturday I needed to bring him donuts at his house by 9. That I needed to go shopping with him for a new skirt that would suit the office better. That I needed to respond immediately whenever he called. Literally did the "Don't you know who I am?" "I can destroy you with a snap of my fingers," "Don't you understand what an opportunity this is for you?" whole shtick.
Didn't even make it to the first day of the supposed job. Changed my phone number. Moved again.
The other was half a day, but not making it past the training phase of a call centre job probably doesn't count.

I worked some side job cleaning a medical building. The cleaning company used a fungicide as one of the chemicals. No one was wearing a resporator so I didn't think I'd need one. Worse mistake that chemical burned my nose and lungs for a few days after. I just ghosted them and didn't got back.

Not me, but about 4.5 hours including half a day of induction. The company I worked for did a lot of crunching data in Excel and producing reports based on that data. This girl started, did her half day induction ("fire escapes are here", etc, etc) then was assigned to me to work on a project. I sat down with her for about an hour and a half and talked her through the easiest part of the project that I wanted her to work on. She nodded, said she understood, then asked what the process for quitting was.
I've no idea how she got hired because she said she had been expecting the job to be mostly creative, not working with data, and that it didn't interest her at all.

Not me, but I started working part time at a Wetherspoons bar in Manchester, UK when I was about 19. Me and this other guy (similar age) started on the same day.
We got on well, and after a few hours we were given a break, he would go first and then I would go second. Before the guy went on his break, he told that he wasn't going to come back. I was shocked but kinda got it, bar work sucks.
After 15/20 minutes the manager was frantically looking for him, even demanded I tell her where he was, but I just feigned ignorance. Chuckled to myself that this guy had the gall to walk out and not tell anyone.
I worked there for another year, in that time he turned up again with his mates, we both recognised each other immediately. I told him how everyone was pissed at him and that I was jealous. A manager asked if he used to work there, but I feigned ignorance once again 😅.

Two days?
A friend worked at a company with a one-man IT crew aka "the friend". Technically they worked part time, but occasionally had to come in and fix things that broke overnight. So they were "always" on call, but things mostly ran smoothly and unless it was super important it could wait until business hours/the next working day. Basically computers working was useful, but not a requirement for this company.
Anyway I was looking for a job, friend convinced the owner they needed help, so the job was mine, no interview needed.
So day one I get a look around, get a jist of how things work, get accounts setup, get HR-type stuff setup, take long business lunch and talk shop.
Day two, meet the owner and eventually the conversation turns to, "So let me know which days each of you are covering." As in a single 30 hour per week job for one person, is now two 15 hour per week jobs for two people.
Needless to say my friend was mortified. Obviously I wasn't going to screw them over, so I quit. I found a job shortly after that was way better and my friend got a small (although not nearly enough) pay bump. So guess it worked out.

Three weeks is my personal record for proper jobs, not counting walkout from bait-and-switch jobs.
Interviewed at two places, accepted the one that gave an offer, then 3 weeks later the second place provided a better offer. Accepted the better offer and handed in resignation. I know the bridge is now burnt at place 1, but no regrets.
Look after number 1.

Two days.
I started a job at a 'shake and shingle mill' on the west coast. These places essentially receive cedar logs and produce little slats of wood used for pretty shingles on the sides and tops of houses. Ooo, pretty. The process is unchanged since like the 1700s, and the equipment since the Great War, I think. To make one into the other, first a huge saw cuts the logs into 2' segments. Tip that on end and drive a wedge into it repeatedly via pneumatic piston, and you have smaller pieces. Those pieces would go to the cut saw to be made square and tidy, and then bundled into a unit to sell. So far so good?
I started as the low man, the dude who takes the split wood to the saw, and who tips the sewn logs over to position the 2' section for the splitfest. And I'm running back and forth and it's dangerous as shit -- the floor's wet wood because it's a big shed and the incoming cedar is rainforest cedar, and it's always bleeding water out when it's being cut. The entire place is wet. So I'm careful, but the splitter guy isn't. It's not the end of day one and he drives the wedge into his hand. WITH the grain, so he's not losing fingers, but it's gonna be a while melding that vulcan salute back together. Yay, promotion! We short-hand it - oho! - and I'm doing 1.5 jobs until go-home time.
Next day, like almost first thing, one of the guys running the big saw loses some fingertips. Go see that video, see how the panel drops, and imagine how that could have happened. So he's off to the doc. And another guy steps over and he's gonna show me how to use that machine so we don't fall behind -- and it's like 2 min before coffee and the guy they just hired to fill the job I started at, he slips on the wood in his sneakers and falls out this big hole in the side of the barn where there's a conveyor the wood comes in. He falls like 10 feet onto the ground, hard. It's dirt, but when a 20 year old kid pauses you know he's injured. Yep, he's twisted the hell out of his ankle and fall on his arm a bit. He drives automatic, so he's off in his own car to take himself to A&E. And we're down two.
During coffee, I go to the boss. It has been a rough two days; and despite how safe it normally is, I definitely need my hands or I don't need to save for the comp sci degree anymore. Reluctant handshake and it's all in the rearview.
- Good fucking call. Did that place have one of those "no injuries since ___" sign that you watched someone erase twice in your two days?

Exactly one month. It was a secure place where I needed to provide two forms of ID to get into... so you can probably imagine. Needless to say, my very first day, the person that trained me spilled the beans on how *they *were lied to starting out and ever since that day, I slowly began to realize that I was also lied to. Horrible people, horrible [mis]management and just outright horrible working conditions. It's amazing what society will convince people as worthy all because it's "for your country" even though to someone like me, it's practically cruel and unusual... you know the rest.

I applied for a job, the manager called me saying what do I know about the job and read up on the section of the law that applies to what we do. Then at the end of the 3 minute call s The manager suggested applying next time when the listing comes up again. After 30 minutes I got a call back from the same manager arranging for my interview time.
Feeling weirded by the series of calls and micromanaging even before I came to the door, I attended the interview. I found one of the supervisors knew me and know I'm perfect for the job. After the interview I retract my application. We are expected to act and problem solve within the standards, micromanaging doesn't work well in my profession.

About 6 months when I was 19 years old. 3 months in I tried to book a week of vacation 3 months in advance (they asked for at least 1 month notice) and the power tripping substitute manager declined it immediately without checking the schedule or anything. As far as I remember there was no "first come first serve" BS, he just wanted to be a douche about it.
So after another 3 months the time came and I went on the most epic camping trip with 8 friends and had the time of my life.
Came back to civilization to a full voicemail inbox of my direct manager asking where I was, sighing, and eventually saying I was fired for it.
I regret nothing.

Three weeks. I was in a contract-to-hire software position at Alaska Airlines. Every work environment has its little quirks and weirdnesses, but I swear everything at this place was quirky and weird. When the manager casually asked how it was going I answered honestly, saying it was all fine but I wasn't really interested in FTE, so I wouldn't mind if he asked the agency for a different person and I would be happy to stay until then. He called them and I was gone that afternoon. He was a man of few words - might have said a hundred to me the whole time I was there lol.

Two months. Got brought in as a sales engineer with no one to train me. My days mostly consisted of spending 8 hours alone in my office reading ISO and ASTM standards for the test services the company offered. Got sent to Minnesota for further training for a week with no one to train me there either. Found a job right after and left my boss bewildered like he couldn't believe it after I kept reminding him no one was actually teaching me how to do the job.

Under five minutes.
I interviewed, accepted the job offer at the end, showed up for my first scheduled shift and found out my manager wasn't the polite manager I interviewed with.
For the record, I was supposed to start at 9am. It was 8:45 when I walked in.
Manager, literally yelling from about 300ft away: YOU'RE LATE!
Me, confused: I'm 15 minutes early?
Manager: I EXPECT YOU TO BE HERE HALF A HOUR BEFORE EVERY SHIFT, IF YOU'RE LATE AGAIN YOU'RE ON THIN FUCKING ICE
And I turned my happy ass around and walked out.
I don't care if it was some bullshit tactic to "weed out" people, that is completely unacceptable behavior and in my younger years I have gotten into fist fights over someone speaking to another like that.
I had another job inside a week.
I don't care if they had someone to fill my spot the next day. It wasn't worth the time.
- Why is it so hard for employers and employees to understand the most basic principle of professionalism? The employee works and is paid for it. If the employer wants them to work longer, they have to pay for that time. If the employer does not want to pay, they cannot obligate the employee to do that work. If the employee wants to be paid, they have to show up and do the work. It's not rocket surgery.
- I approve. If that's how he's introducing himself, he'll make your life a living hell

3 shifts as a table busser at a sports bar. Obscene hours (10AM to 3AM ish), no breaks, going home reeking of cigarettes because it had an outdoor area that allow3d smoking. I got sick the day after last shift of the week, and just quit. Got paid in cash so i think i was paid under the table.
- 10am to 3am better have been all 3 shifts. A 17hr day is just not fucking okay, especially because im sure they didn't pay you OT.
  
  Hah! It might've been 11 or 1:00 start time (its been about 10 years) but it was 3 separate shifts working roughly those hours. It fucking sucked. Its how i learned there is fuck all for work protections once you're 18, even if you're in high school still. Worst spring break ever. And last spring break i got to have too IIRC.

Pretty fast. Not myself, an ambulance driver wanted to get to a nurse's birthday party - and back - during their lunch break, or somenhing. Sirens wailing.

I think it was like 3 or 4 days. Telemarketer for MCI long distance phone service in the late 90's. After getting hung up on several hundred times in a single day I realized I was just making lots of people angry and didn't want to do that.

1 day. Got hired as a host for a restaurant. Did one training shift and then got violently ill. I called out the next day. It was also around the holidays and I was planning to go home to visit family. I told them I wouldn't be available for a week or so. They never scheduled me again and didn't pay me for the training shift. They also never even shared a salary with me until I called and demanded that they tell me the pay. Ultimately, dodged a bullet. I was looking for a real job with a salary and this was just going to hold me over. Ended up landing something that paid way more a few weeks later.

Six months. It was an IT-job, but the owner was related to criminal circles and acted like a criminal, with regular emotional and insulting outbursts directed at various employees. Imagine working with Tony Soprano.
- I think we worked together.
  98?

Single day. It was work mixing cement with what was in a chemical lagoon for an ink factory. Basically the liquid would get pumped into a mixing machine and then piped over to a nearby site to make a more inert giant puck. Whoever was in charge of ratios was mixing things too thick and caused something to explode in a guy's face. It wasn't a big explosion, just enough to get the mixture all over him and into his eyes. I wasn't really dealing with any of that yet, just starting on tarball duty where anything remotely black in the area around the lagoon was considered escaped contamination and got dug up with a shovel and tossed back in the designated area. This was in summer and we had to be in tyvek suits and rubber boots which both had to get taken off and thrown out in a special way every time you left the area. But seeing what happened to that guy just made me think all this wasn't worth the risk and I didn't come back the next day.

24 and a half hours. I showed up the first day and found out the training period was unpaid. They advertised $15 per hour W-2-style position, but when I showed up, they offered a totally different 1099 contractor position where most of my time would be unpaid. I went home and researched, and confirmed my suspicions that Vector Marketing was a total scam. I came back the next day and chewed them out in front of all the other trainees they were trying to scam.
- Good on you for warning others honestly! That wounds dreadful, yikes

Never hold your breath when your superior tells you that they'd promote you.
I've had a boss who was telling me from the start that he had plans for me. Three years passed by, no promotion, no raise, nothing.
Then I moved to a new job. My boss never promised me anything. I never got my rank promoted (yet) but I've had more raise than I could ever ask for.

I only made it about 6 hours at one job, a shift and a half.
I had a job in college digitizing betacam tapes (old BBC/PBS footage, pretty cool!) but it was on and off. During a long lull, I needed cash bad and took the first job that called - Jimmy Johns delivery driver.
First day was fine but I knew I would hate it. Second day I locked my keys in my car.
While I was waiting for my roommate to bring me my spare set, I got a call for a different gig (production assistant on a film). It was only 8 days at $50/day but I quit JJ on the spot. Late 2000s for context on how pitiful that is

Not me but my ex spouse: They got a job as a breakfast cook. Came back the first day and started talking about the job the same way they talked about previous jobs shortly before they quit. I sat then down and was basically like "you might not see it yet but you've got to quit". They quit the next morning and came home early it was great

I took a job at a "robotics" company after the owner sold me a huge line of bullshit (that I completely fell for which is a story for another time) after being in a toxic job for a number of years before. On day one at about 8:30am, I realized that it was not what I fell for during the interview. The boss was someoletely unhinged, the expected hours were not what I had agreed to and the work was constantly being micromanaged by the owner who knew just enough to look like a complete idiot when the discussions got technical. The only positive thing with the job was that I had some company stock coming in at 6 months so I held out until I was 100% sure they couldn't screw me on the stock vesting and then immediately resigned.

One week.
Was asked to be the community manager of an online casino. I couldn't deal with the morality of trying to encourage people to keep gambling away money they didn't have.

3 days of real time, 2 hours of real work.
1st day, the boss has a problem with a truck, sends his father to guide us to the place and give us the tool. The father never finds the tools, cannot get his son on the phone, tells us to come back next day.
2nd day : no one on site. I call the boss, he seems surprised i'm here, gives me the number of his father. His father tells me he has an appointment with a doctor, tells me to clean the place til he comes back. I do so, 2 hours later i have nothing left to do. I wait one more hour, he doesnt come back. The boss sends me a message to be there next day.
3d day : no one on site, no one answer the phone. I waited one hour and went off.
Never got any message nor explanations. Sometimes they just don't care, and anyway if they cannot provide you with a stable schedule, dont worry too much about leaving quickly

Started in the morning. Resigned by noon.
As far as I was concerned it wasn't a business I was working for, but rather a criminal enterprise (the crime being fraud), only a really incompetent one.
They were a "tech firm" but their product changed literally daily, depending on who they were trying to sell to. They had no actual product. They had a couple of programmers who would be told every day what the product actually was today who would gnash their teeth and cry. Then they didn't even have that much. Which didn't stop them trying to sell it anyway.
- Oh man sounds crazy lmao!! With how incompetent they sound I find it hard to imagine they lasted much longer after you left
  
  I didn't keep track of them. (I kept track of the programmers. They were nice and they landed on their feet.) But it would not surprise me, actually, if they landed in jail.
- Was it crypto?
  
  Oh, this predates cryptobros by decades. No, they were "consultants" who were making a "CASE tool". Except their programmers sat me down and had a very long talk showing me their "product" and mentioned they already had other jobs lined up and were just waiting so they could give their 14-day and walk into the new job. So I handed my resignation in promptly.
- Well done, good luck!

My two cents.
If it's not so terrible that you dread every day, keep it and the paycheck while you look for another job. As soon as you have a new job lined up, quit.
You seem concerned about making it easy on them, maybe help them out a few weeks to soften the blow. Don't bother, you're taking up their time and training resources that they could be spending on the next person who is going to replace you.
Be professional in how you quit, but don't be a doormat. Remember this company could lay you off at any moment and the "best" company will only be professional. They aren't your friends. Match that energy.
- If it's not so terrible that you dread every day, keep it and the paycheck while you look for another job. As soon as you have a new job lined up, quit.
  ...immediately.
  But even if you stick it out proper, this is absolutely the best advice.
  I've seen a guy pulled out of a meeting - his meeting, with him mid-presentation - and fired.
  Keep that in mind as you plan your exit : they will quite actually fire on the very spot if they want to. Everything you owe them is more about you than about them.
  I have landed a new gig, quit that Friday, gone home, grabbed the bag, flown 5000km to a new town, and started a job that Monday. I'm not a person of high repute, it seems!

I worked at a McDonalds for a month. I'd done bar work before that and really enjoyed it, but fast food was depressing. Although my colleagues were pretty cool, the managers were absolute assholes. They made fun of all the staff and took the piss for the fact that I had a degree but was having to work somewhere like that. I was 'sick' for my notice period (I'd found work elsewhere).

In the places I have worked the first 3 months are generally a trial period and both parties can terminate employment at any time.
- This place is very upfront about the fact they expect people to quit since they mostly hire high school/university students (another reason I don't like it here, I'm in my 30s and older than everyone...) so that's good, my problem is that I'm unfortunately a people pleaser and hate the idea of letting my team leader down after she's been so nice to me haha. I know it doesn't really matter and it's something I just need to get over but it's easier said than done lol

Not me, but I used to work a role at a company that provided IT services and hardware/support.
We had a team that sat right behind me, basically they supported customer accounts, and they got a new team leader/manager.
She came in on a Friday I believe and the rest of the team were out, Thursday night is party night so most people worked from home Friday.
The next week comes in, IT puts all her equipment on her desk, she isn't there. The next day or so comes around and she isn't there but her team is and someone else strolls over to chat. He mentions he heard they got a new lady boss, where is she?
I say she was in last week, I saw her.
"Is she a looker?"
... this bloody place. Asks nothing about her other than her looks.
Later that week IT comes along and collects her equipment, she had left in under a week. I have no idea what happened but that was the quickest I have seen someone leave and on average we had a very short staff turnover time.
- Somewhat common to take any job if youre desperate, but keep interviewing. Sounds like she had at least two jobs lined up at once, and her second, and likely better, job got back to her the same day she started with your company.
  Sounds like she made the right call.

For your issue, it is sane to wait until you get paid before resigning given the number of companies who routinely "forget" to pay the final paycheque and generally make it a pain in the ass to collect.
- Oh totally!! I don't have reason to think they would try to scam me but better safe than sorry

I knew someone who did overnight chicken catching (to get them from the barn into the truck to go off to slaughter) and lasted about twenty minutes. The straw was accidentally dropping a chicken two stories because of the time pressure; shit like that is commonplace in animal agriculture.
The crew lead told them it was fine and they could wait in the van until the end of the shift. He made a comment like, "yeah you have to have a bit of a screw loose to work a job like this."
That story sticks with me a lot when I think about the conditions for both labourers and animals that are necessary to get meat onto the table.

Not me, but I was assigned to train a new machine operator at a factory, and he lasted about 80 minutes. I could barely explain the scope of his responsibilities. He went on a scheduled break and then I never saw him again.
I didn't blame him, morale was low because of COVID and supply chain issues, and he started on a night shift.

There is no inappropriate time to quit if you're not happy. Just be sure you're not happy as a very short time at an employer can look bad on your CV.
- Oh I won't add this to my CV at all lol so no worries there
- I don't put short-term jobs on my CV. Problem solved.

2 weeks. canvassing for Working Families Party in Brooklyn

Personally, 6 months. Sounded great on paper and even today it sounds great, but I really didn't like it. Now I'm somewhere that sounds rubbish on paper and in many ways is, but I'm pretty happy.
Quickest I ever saw was when I did a 2 week school placement in an IT support company. The whole company was like 4 people including me. Back in the late 90's it was all reinstalling Windows, ISDN lines, that sort of basic IT provided in to companies. They hired a new guy and sent him off to install a couple of Windows PCs for some company. The next day he left as he was out of his depth.

How you know this job is a scam, in your own words:
I also get paid exclusively based on how many people I get to donate (this was not on the job ad on Indeed).
This means that you're likely getting less than minimum wage, indicating dubious legality and (as you're experiencing) poverty inducing fuckery. It wasn't on the job description because it's likely illegal.
Also, never ever ever use Indeed. It's a den of lies and villainy. You will find nothing but skullfucking third tier recruiters, AI bots programmed in Hindi, and suspiciously lucrative offers from Dubai that require you to turn over your passport. You will literally have better luck on craigslist.
I landed a job last week (hired me on the spot, did training 3 days later)
Translation - no one wants this job and they're desperate for suckers
Reputable charities for the record and without cash donations, so not some scam
Cash donations make it too easy for you to supplement the sub minimum wage you're earning under the table, so that's why they don't accept them. Their business model is likely based on a subscription donation model that allows them to hook the donor and get them on their marketing lists. The only way to ascertain that the charities in question are actually getting any donations is to contact them independently. My guess is that if it's not a scam, the charities in question end up with about 10% of the actually donated $ with most of it going to company overhead.
Personal experience - I worked a number of these types of jobs when I was younger and trying to make my way, including working donations for non-profits and political campaigns, as well as your more traditional pyramid schemes like Cutco. They operate in a very similar fashion, but you're more likely to make at least some money with the regular pyramid schemes - non-profits will work you harder and pay you less, because you're "doing it for the cause" and not a paycheck, supposedly.
GTFO now. I wouldn't even bother about the paycheck or giving notice. Any basic office temp job will pay better and give you more security. Hell, even fast food workers are paid hourly.
- Oh this is 100% legal here in Italy! It's called commission based income (or something like that) and there's no minimum wage here either (I worked for €5/hour at another job...) so it's not a scam. Scummy for sure lol but completely legal.
  If not Indeed is there anything else you'd recommend? I landed my previous jobs through connections and never really learned how to look for work online for as pathetic as that sounds haha. Genuinely the basic office job paying €800/month has been my goal for the past few years but they're much harder to get than I thought they'd be, or maybe I just have no idea what I'm doing lol
  
  If you've worked in an office before and clean up nice, sign up with every temping agency in your area until you land a gig. Generally, if you're reasonably reliable and show you can hold down a position for more than a few weeks, they'll try to keep you working even after a particular contract expires. It also can (and often has in my experience) provide permanent employment with your contracted employer if they find you a good fit for their team.
  As for alternatives to Indeed, the service that's gotten me the best jobs has been LinkedIn - despite the memes, it does produce results. The only other spot I've had close to as much luck as I have on LinkedIn is craigslist (but you do have to be on your guard for scammers).

Do people donate through the store paiement system? If so, it may be a scam based on tax evasion, depending on the country. In France for example donations to non profit lead to tax deduction. Big stores ask for donations at checkout. This way, they can deduct like 60% of people's donations from their tax
- Nope there's a form we compile for them where they give us either their IBAN or credit card number (just the number and expiry date not the secret code) alongside the name DOB and civic code. They keep a copy of it since it's tax deductible too. I actually don't really know exactly how it works because so far my team leader has been the one doing all the paperwork for me