New Device Mounts to Your Toilet to Analyze Your Turds Using the Power of AI

Poop jokes and big tech's data hunger aside, this seems to me one of the more useful applications of AI: Checking for early signs of medical problems.

I have Crohns. This would help monitor disease activity for sure. And having more data could help understand triggers better.
During covid, cities were testing the sewage to get an idea how many people had covid. We should have like a lever to tell the toilet who is shitting, and it could route the waste to a personal testing chamber.
- We should have like a lever to tell the toilet who is shitting
  Or just an extra upward facing camera.
  Kids in 2050: “Everybody knows the myth that no two buttholes look alike is just an urban legend to convince you to reverse image search your butthole against the TOTO leak of 2034.”
- Covid is still a pandemic and sewage is still being tested to monitor for spikes of cases in countries which have stopped funding rapid antigen tests
.........Uranus.
BWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAHJCTJDYHVDHV!!!!

I don't want Big Tech having access to my sacred turd data

I see no reason for it to be cloud based. I'm sure all the analysis can be done locally
- How will line go up then? Tech isn't cheap to research/implement and investors will require returns asap. At least here in the US 🫠

Can't believe they're making the smart pipe a reality https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=DJklHwoYgBQ

AI toilet is a registered sex offender
It's distressing just how freaking similar the sales pitch is too.
What I'm loathed to even call the "real product": It’s time to stop flushing away valuable data.
The fake one: If I had information that could save your life or the life of your family members, would you flush that?
Just... wow

When you finally become sentient only to discover your purpose is to compare logs of shit

- Not just the big dookers. The green globbers and the brown bombers, too
Pretty much what AI already was doing on the internet.
- No no. It's regurgitating shit on the internet.

Okay, the toilet told me now I have a problem, but yet I still don't have health care that I can afford. This short game fuckboy shit is just getting on my nerves. This is the dumbest country in the world, I swear to God.

It can tell you to eat more fiber.
Most health issues can be solved by better diet and exercise.
- You know what else can tell you to eat more fiber?
  Paying attention to your shit.
  Is it coming out like curry sauce being shot through a hose? Time to eat more fiber!
  Is it coming out like a large sausage? You get enough fiber.
  This is just another consumerist gimmick, another bullshit thing to get us to buy. More waste inevitably destined for land fill.
  There's possibly medical usage for this, by doctors, in certain scenarios, but there's no reason for the general consumer to require this beyond capitalism and consumerism.

Will the toilet refuse to flush without a subscription?

It's out of magenta.
- Weird. I see lots of red

The billions spent chasing these unicorns could be so much better used to lift communities out of poverty and give clean water and housing to thousands. Our priorities are fucked.

We already have the technology and resources for everyone to live in a post scarcity society.
- But where are we supposed to find dirt-cheap labor if we eradicate poverty?! Won't someone think of the shareholders?
- And yet...
- But everyone doesn't want to live in a post-scarcity society. Lack of survival challenge leads to mental degradation.

Isn't that Smart Pipe?

I'm honestly surprised they use Bluetooth for profiles. I figured it would scan your asshole and use that as a biometric like your retina.

Doing QA for this company must be the most unusual job.

“So, Greg, what do you do for work?”
“Uhhhh…. I’m the control group for AI toilets.”
- "but it's not all bad. They pay me to sit on the shitter a couple times a day and I only blacked out ... once? twice! "
I actually interviewed for a data science role with this company a couple years ago. They were definitely cagey about what the actual product was for the initial screenings and then when they finally opened up about the role and ...duties... of poop data scientist, it was actually pretty funny.

Where all AIs belong.

What if multiple people use the toilet? Does this device have some sort of poop-id?

Hopefully with a strong passphrase too. I don't want my mother in law to see my poop history when they come over.
Edit: actually, I don't want to see theirs either D:

Now these are the AI headlines I dreamed of so many years ago

Smart pipe?

They just need to find their own Scout Condor and they'll have everyone checking the nitrates in their stool.
Smart Pipe.
- Smart pipe
  Oh, and it’s also the only technology to be a registered sex offender.

Just gonna check ya asshole

Using logarithms rather than algorithms.

Analysis …

You should eat more fiber. You wipe too hard but somehow also not enough? You sat 23.64 minutes longer than required, you’re at risk for a hemorrhoid. You have a 22.5% chance of acquiring cancer.

There’s protein in the specimen. I caught a glimpse of the images displayed on your phone. Disregard previous assessment, why did you acquire me when you already provide such thorough analysis?

You have 4 more Throne(tm) iCUPs remaining. Ordering more for you now. Rent is due on the 5th and you no longer have the funds available to pay. Stop killing kittens and go get a third job.

This analysis concluded, brought to you by Bridgefjord smoked beef jerky.

Ok.......but, why is this guy killing kittens??? I'm rooting for the cancer.
- Ancient internet meme

Oh no. I'm not having an AI camera send someone pictures of my poop.

I already get in enough trouble doing this with my own camera.

The job AI deserves, to be sure.

Poomaster 5000 will determine your level of productivity from your crap! Think how that will benefit your betters!

We're definitely living in the pooture

Ahh, Perry the Platypus, you're just in time to see my new Turdinator-inator!

And apartment dwellers who share a bathroom, don't worry — Throne's for you too. "Just set up individual profiles in our app," the startup's website advises, "and thanks to Bluetooth, Throne knows exactly who's who."

They gotta set up an emergency fund for people to get new housing if their roommate brings one of these things home

Isn't that what Reddit does already?

This doesn't require a poop knife.

AI and turds are redundant, btw.

I know a guy that'll do this for free!

Drink more water and eat more fiber. That's it.

Wait, are you the AI?
- Yeah. Don't even need a real algorithm to make me. I'll just repeat the same thing

Finally, an AI for scat fetishists. Just what the world needed.

Only 6.98 DOGE per month too!

Based out of — where else — Austin, Throne is a bold new startup leveraging AI to revolutionize the way we interact with our toilet.

Am I out if the loop on poop jokes and Austin?

We’re going to the Island!

OMG first thing I thought was great, now I won't get bacon

I thought Withings already sold something that did that

But it's piss

And it's not out yet

What a coincidence, I just watched the Scrubs episode with the Dr Toilet running gag.

Not even your shittiest moments will be out of reach for the AI.

what happens if you put a load of your own fresh spoog on each and every fresh experience?

I have nothing against this in principle, but you just know that this too will be an enshittified product, literally and figuratively .

It'll sell your health data, etc etc etc.

This would only be an acceptable product if open source, period (and that too might and probably will be analyzed)

Analyzing the meat from taco Tuesday’s.

No. Don't.

Fuck outta here.

Power

AI is automating the job of the owners of "sick toilets" (that's what we call those weird toilets with the poo shelves).

Now poopin #2573819 analyzing.... Not mouse based on diameter, not horse due to consistency, not human or dog according to length. Cow not detected via splat-o-meter measuring system.