I'm a woman

It really do be like that.

People really out here thinking they have the authority to decide who we are. Like, sometimes it’s just a slip, like, it’s not what they’re expecting and they have to remind them selves, but, like, sometimes, it feels like they’re trying negotiate, walk us back.

“Oh you haven’t earned that. You haven’t put enough effort in to claim that. You’re not really that because I don’t feel like it.”

sometimes it’s absolutely intentional, and it hurts, like, I’m not asking you for anything, I’m telling you who I feel like I am, I’m trying my best to preform with what I have, and you’re rejecting that because apparently my feelings don’t matter, but you hang ups do.

It does seem like cis people have a particular way of "seeing" gender, and it's hard when the body or gender presentation you have conflicts with what you want people to see.

I'm rather conformist, it's very important to me to do everything I can to make my body and gender presentation match what people expect from a woman, so they see a woman. I don't really expect the average person to see a woman if I don't look like one, and I feel really awkward expecting them to think of me as and see me as a woman when I don't appear as one.

That said, I understand the frustration, esp. if you provide pronouns and the other person doesn't make an effort to respect them - at best it seems impolite and rude, at worst it seems hostile and violent.

I really hated early in transition the way I went from tolerating the wrong pronouns (in pre-transition) to feeling like no pronouns worked for me - if someone used my "preferred" pronouns (she/her) it felt like they were just being polite. (I wanted to be a woman, not be coddled in my delusions and politely referred to as a woman while nobody actually sees me as a woman.)

On the other hand, if someone used a different pronoun it felt like they were being either impolite, forgetful, or outright hostile. Before transition it was easier to just swallow the he/him and remain under the cover of being "normal" - but after transition it was like I "ruined" my gender and my gender was never "right", and no pronoun felt safe or appropriate.

After a year and a half of estrogen injections, my body has changed enough to fit within cis standards for a woman, even though I can't see it myself. The estrogen, and of course all the immense amount of work I have put into trying to pass (voice therapy, skin care routine, diet, exercise, education on fashion and makeup, etc.).

It feels weird now, like I'm no longer "trans" in the same way because I am gender conforming enough now. So instead of being overtly trans, my transness is a hidden flaw in my gender, something only a small number of people can see (usually only other trans people), and which is lying there waiting to undermine my womanhood for anyone who notices.

I don't know what your gender goals are, but I really feel for non-binary folks whose gender expressions fall outside of what is commonly accepted, it is just so hard to get "seen" correctly by people when you are trans.

I’m eleven years deep into HRT. I try my best to present binary female, but some sort of quantity prevents even my fellow trans people from giving me anything other than he/him without incessant prompting.
I have a call center job and I know my voice passes just fine. It’s probably all in how I move my body (which isn’t well—who knew being a stroke victim also removed gender?)
Anyway, I look like this on an average day:
- You look well within the norm of women to me (cis woman). 🤷🏻‍♀️ Probably because you are one.
  Haters gunna hate, especially if there’s anything “off” about you (sorry for the phrasing, I hope you know what I mean), such as having had strokes. I’ve been accused of being a man before (likely personality-based), and it’s wildly uncomfortable. I’m sorry you have to deal with that, as I’m sure it’s much more impactful for you.
  I will offer that you may want to consider a different hair styling, maybe waves/curls or something like long side-swipe bangs to help frame your face rather than having your hair straight and fully pulled back (kinda more common style on long-haired men, ime). It wouldn’t be any more work than you do now to style, really, and should help accentuate the feminine aspects a bit more (being a totally feminine haircut). I have fine, straight hair, and it’s a pain to do anything fun with other than basically the style you have now, but with a good stylist to get you the cut you want, something like below would probably look fab on you. I’m probably biased tho because that’s sort of the cut I have, just without the volume, and in black and gray 😉
  These days I just keep it pinned up in a rhinestone-studded French clip, with the bangs swept to the side, but not ear-tucked. Takes 2 min and looks nice.
- I mean, there are probably things you could do to fem it up more if you wanted.
  These are just suggestions, not criticisms.
  Based on that photo, your lashes are very light colored, but even with my dark lashes I like to use a crimper and apply mascara whenever I go in public - you could try that out and see - it can make a big difference.
  The forehead, nose, and chin also appear masculine. I use contouring makeup to diminish my nose bridge and lift my cheeks and diminish my neck and jawline.
  For my forehead, I cover mine up with bangs. In general I try to direct attention to my eyes - so for example instead of a red or dark colored lipstick, I might use a light-colored pink tinted lip balm.
  I can't see your eyebrows well, but having those worked on by a professional every few months and tweezing to maintain between appointments can really help fem up a face. Your hair is so light you might look at using a brow tinting brush to darken the eyebrows.
  I also avoid turtle-necks because of the way they frame my neck, and certain cuts of shirts that direct the eyes to the wrong places, e.g. preferring v-necks to crew necks. I want to divert eyes away from my neck and shoulders, and towards breasts and hips. Wearing a long piece of jewelry can help with this too, as well as avoiding boxy cuts or ruffly shoulders, and avoiding anything that exposes the back.
  The pattern of the clothes and the colors also make a difference in proportion and composition and the way the eye is directed.
  I also think cycling my body fat has been really helpful, and I tend to have more body fat than most, which helps by giving me larger breasts and hips, and the fat on my face is distributed in a way now that is more feminine and gives a softer and rounder appearance.
  Anyway, there's a ton more to discuss, but these are just some ways I tend to feminize on my own.
  You don't have to feminize to be valid, but you might find it helps people see the woman you want them to see. Still, there is a kind of toxicity there - I'm not saying passing should be your priority.
As a trans guy who is sort of non-binary as a shorthand explanation and mental crutch for a complicated resting state of not physically transitioning because of my long-term partner's phenotype preferences I feel this so hard. My physical body does not sort easily into people's gender code. I ended up going with they/them pronouns more as a defensive move.
In my case it's the daily sacrifice in the name of love but fuck if it doesn't destroy my confidence regularly and feel like a fey curse.
- Just a gentle suggestion that not physically transitioning for your partner's preferences is probably not healthy or OK, I know it's difficult and you have to figure that out yourself - but I encourage you to seek counseling and find a way to help your partner see that being trans is a genetic and medical condition that for your health and well-being you really shouldn't ignore and forego treatment on, esp. for something like their preferences. Not all trans experience is the same, but it's probable that medical transition would significantly improve your life.
  Also, I hear you re non-binary and they/them being used to just make it "easier" or more understandable for people, which is so ironic considering it sounds like you would be able to conform to people's gender expectations and a binary model better if you were free to ...
  Either way, I'm sorry for your situation, that's rough 🫂
- feel like a fey curse
  Hm, we feel that us fey would not do such a thing. However, if it is as such we would gladly undo it for you.
  A shiny rock or two would be payment enough.
It's fine for you to conform and set those goals for yourself, but please don't put that on others. Not passing doesn't make a person nonbinary.
- Yeah, I don’t pass but I’m definitely binary. My goal isn’t even to pass (though if I could it would be nice, but there’s so much medical shit wrong with me it prolly won’t happen), but is to stay alive, safe, and respected in that order.
- Sorry, I never meant to imply OP is non-binary - I just wanted to be sensitive and not assume they were binary; additionally I was thinking about how rough it is to live as a gender non-conforming person, esp. for some non-binary folks whose gender expressions and identities don't fit in society (and how that will always be true for them, it's not a rough stage that might end, as it can be for some binary trans folks early in their transition - that's just life for them, what is authentic to them is what creates friction in society, and that really sucks).
  Not passing is entirely separate from identity, and identity can be quite separate from expression, too. Some trans women are binary but never medically or socially transition, their expression conforms to cis male norms their whole lives - but they're still women, for example.

sorry you had to deal with that, some people are just the pits

Hey now, don’t do pits dirty like that, they’re really good at storing dead transphobes!

I'm extra sad to hear this happened at a bookstore. Besides a couple struggling B&Ns every bookstore around here is independent and either trans-owned or aggressively trans-friendly. Bookstores and libraries should be the ultimate safe spaces.

Yeah, it was a tiny little (adorable) bookstore in Cloverdale, out in the middle of nowhere. :(

I bet you are more of a woman than that person will ever be.

She was cis and actually said “I’m real and you’re not,” so I just responded “I’m used to being treated like an android.”

slightly unethical (maybe?) life pro tip: it's not illegal to lie

as long as you're not going to use the bathroom in a red state or doing legal work, you can just say you're cis and have POCS and act like it's REALLY rude for them to say that. maybe even throw in a "from a woman too. Damn thought you'd understand our struggles" or something like that

In that same vein and DEFINITELY unethical pro tip....
Tell them you're a afab detransitioner. Their transphobic assets will fall all over themselves saying she/her. 😂 🙃

I mean... some people just suck?

That's just fucked up. Some people are total garbage, I'm sorry you had to experience that