Hi everyone,

News is weird. When it's weird enough, it reads like articles from The Onion, and that's what we're all about. But as the community grows, there's more and more content being posted here that just isn't very Onion-y.

> Jimmy Carter Becomes Second President Convicted Of Felony For Sticking Up Waffle House

Take a look at that headline from The Onion today. Or this one:

> World Series Of Poker Entrants Play One Hand Face-Up So Everyone Can Learn Rules

Or this one:

> New Hormone-Free IUD Wards Off Sperm With Steady Emission Of Police-Grade Pepper Spray

That's the flavor we're going for. We want real, credible news articles with headlines that read like they're from The Onion.

This is not the community for:

• Non-Onion-y political news (it's gotta be absurd enough to look Onion-y)
• Non-Onion-y regular news (it's gotta be absurd enough to look Onion-y)
• Satire (it's gotta be actual news)
• Fake news from fly-by-night "news" sites (again, it's gotta be actual news)

That means not every ridiculous thing a politician does qualifies as appropriate content here.

I need your help, though... I need people to report content that just isn't Onion-y, and I need people to try not to post non-Onion-y content in the first place.

Finally, I need help moderating, so this is also a formal call for new mods! Post below if you think you're ready to take on moderation for one of the larger Lemmy communities! Tell me why you'd like to mod, and link to a news story from any time (it doesn't have to be current) that has a properly Onion-y headline, to show that you really get this community.

I'll pick two people to become new moderators for the community from participants. Good luck!

Some context:

> Former Trump White House Communications Director Michael Dubke suggested on CNN Tuesday that Trump had mobilized his allies and proxies to the courthouse in an effort to “get around the gag order” imposed on him by Judge Merchan.

Yep. He's trying to violate the gag order indirectly. Unfortunately for him, the gag order specifically includes attempting to have surrogates violate the order on his behalf.

I suspect there's another gag order hearing incoming.

This is what a DOJ that hasn't been twisted by political bias looks like. It doesn't matter that Cuellar is a Democrat. If he did the crime (and he's innocent until proven guilty), he should do the time.

Republicans: Take note.

The Supreme Court is currently hearing arguments on Trump's claim of "absolute immunity." Several news organizations are carrying the arguments live (including the linked article). You can also listen on several YouTube channels, including:

• Reuters
• The AP

> Donald Trump’s valet Walt Nauta was told that if he was charged with lying to the FBI, the former president would pardon him when he won a second term in 2024, according to notes from an interview with a witness in the federal classified documents investigation.

> Those calls came after numerous media outlets reported potentially identifying biographical information about the woman, including her job and the neighborhood she called home. Fox News Jesse Watters highlighted the juror's details while reading through public pool notes about the selected members. "This nurse scares me if I'm Trump," Watters said.

I've just finally contracted it for the first time. I'm vaxxed and multiple-times-boosted, so it's not that bad...

But it's still pretty fucking miserable. Ugh. The paxlovid seems to be helping some, but in return it's giving me the most horrendous taste in my mouth. Like a battery fucked a lemon in there.

What worked for you when you caught it, lemmings?

Edit: Holy cats, you guys came through! Thank you all for your various recommendations. The gist of it seems to be:

• Definitely stay on the paxlovid (and use pineapple to deal with the awful taste in my mouth that's a side-effect).
• Rest. Fucking REST! Do not, under any circumstances, stop resting until it's run its course. (Fortunately already doing that, since I've been feeling half-past dead.)
• Ibuprofen, acetaminophen, and mucinex are my dear, sweet friends. (I'm already a big fan of mucinex, so I have some already.)
• Drink a lot of water. (I have a comically oversized cup I've been using for that.)

And I gotta say... Now, as the end of the day approaches, I think I might, just maybe, be feeling a tad better. Thank you all!

> Florida venture capitalist Michael Shvartsman and his brother Gerald Shvartsman pleaded guilty on Wednesday to participating in an insider trading scheme linked to the blockbuster deal that brought former President Donald Trump’s social media business public.

> Each of the brothers pleaded guilty in New York to one count of securities fraud, which carries a maximum sentence of 20 years in prison, according to federal prosecutors.

This is happening right now.

Wow, someone actually finally managed to force Trump to pay a bill.

TAMPA, Fla. (WFLA) — A Florida man was arrested last month after admitting he sent a bomb threat to himself to get “revenge” on someone, according to a criminal complaint obtained by NBC affiliate WBBH.

So while Texas is basically entirely on fire, California is getting New York's weather.

Just a reminder that it's still February, people.

> New York Judge Juan Merchan has rejected an attempt to dismiss the charges in the hush money case against former President Donald Trump, and a jury trial will begin as originally scheduled on March 25.

The orange shit-gibbon is finally, actually going to be on trial. And it's well before the November election.

As a reminder, this is the hush money case. 34 counts related to paying Stormy Daniels and using campaign cash to do it.

Democrat Tom Suozzi has won the New York special election to the U.S. House, according to an AP race call. Suozzi will serve out the remainder of the term for former GOP Rep. George Santos, who was expelled from the House last year.