1mo ago

FBI Uncovers Al-Qaeda Plot To Just Sit Back And Enjoy Collapse Of United States

theonion.com FBI Uncovers Al-Qaeda Plot To Just Sit Back And Enjoy Collapse Of United States

WASHINGTON—Putting the nation on alert against what it has described as a “highly credible terrorist threat,” the FBI announced today that it has uncovered a plot by members of al-Qaeda to sit back and enjoy themselves while the United States collapses of its own accord.

“We have intercepted electronic communication indicating that al-Qaeda members are actively plotting to stay out of the way while America as we know it gradually crumbles under the weight of its own self-inflicted debt and disrepair,” FBI Deputy Director Mark F. Giuliano told the assembled press corps. “If this plan succeeds, it will leave behind a nation with a completely dysfunctional economy, collapsing infrastructure, and a catastrophic health crisis afflicting millions across the nation. We want to emphasize that this danger is very real.”

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2w ago

FBI Uncovers Al-Qaeda Plot To Just Sit Back And Enjoy Collapse Of United States

theonion.com /fbi-uncovers-al-qaeda-plot-to-just-sit-back-and-enjoy-c-1819576375/

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60 comments

what's hilarious is they ran this piece 10 years ago
- We're about to enter a rerun season from 10 years ago, but with more evil writers.
  
  Good writers are too expensive just ask ChatGPT to redo the opening scene of Inglorious Basterds with a family of Guatemalans hiding underneath the floorboards of suburban house in Austin.
  
  So much enshitification in the US in the past decade, across nearly every conceivable metric. But I'm told by the DNC that I've never had it so good.
- Two more weeks energy
  
  I’m glad I don’t know who that lazy bastard is, but I’m sorry for the morons who fall for that bait.

https://www.aljazeera.com/news/2004/11/1/full-transcript-of-bin-ladins-speech
All that we have mentioned has made it easy for us to provoke and bait this administration. All that we have to do is to send two mujahidin to the furthest point east to raise a piece of cloth on which is written al-Qaida, in order to make the generals race there to cause America to suffer human, economic, and political losses without their achieving for it anything of note other than some benefits for their private companies.
... al-Qaida spent $500,000 on the event, while America, in the incident and its aftermath, lost – according to the lowest estimate – more than $500 billion.
Meaning that every dollar of al-Qaida defeated a million dollars by the permission of Allah, besides the loss of a huge number of jobs.
As for the size of the economic deficit, it has reached record astronomical numbers estimated to total more than a trillion dollars.
He goaded us into defeating ourselves, and it worked.
- Congratulations to terror for winning the war on terror once again
  
  Joining the ranks of drugs and crime
- As U.S. diplomats arrived in Damascus on Friday, Syria's de facto new leader Ahmed al-Sharaa will likely have greeted them with a clear message: Under his rule, there will be no threat to the West. ... He has also attempted to move away from his past as a jihadist leader with links to both the Islamic State terrorist group and Al Qaeda.
  
  Was Vietnam a threat to the West? Was Iraq a threat to the West? Was Afghanistan a threat to the West? Are Palestine or Lebanon threats to the West?
  As bin Laden said, the US loves to open another war front. It doesnt matter if people in a place ever heard of the US. The US will find reasons to go there and bomb there if the people just want to be left alone and not suck on the dick of the empire.
  And like every empire in decline the US and their fascist pitbull Israel are overextending while alienating more and more of their allies through constant aggression.
- Been arguing for over 20 years that al queda won. It’s so obvious to anyone paying attention.
- Meaning that every dollar of al-Qaida defeated a million dollars by the permission of Allah, besides the loss of a huge number of jobs.
  Somehow I feel like the American economy is better at recouping those losses than the Al-Qaeda economy lol

Never interrupt your enemy when they are making a mistake.

Osama Bin Laden bet that he could get republicans to tear their own country down for him, and he was correct. On January with, Bin Laden's win is complete, and only because Republicans picked up his ball and ran it to the endzone themselves.
- Most of the Democrats were just as much into Surveillance Society and Creeping Authoritarianism post 9/11 and their subsequent use to serve the interest of the 1%, as the Republicans.
  For example, the "patriot" fervor around Bush's lies that justified the Invasion of Iraq was just as big from the Democrat-linked Press as from the Republican-linked one and from the Snowden revelations we know that the NSA expanded their operations just as much under Democrat presidents as under Republicans.
  Trying to pass the creeping authoritarianism and surveillance society as a partisan "it was the other tribe that did it" thing is being a bit of an usefull idiot, IMHO.
  
  I don't know how much Democrats were into it vs how much they were pussies and afraid of looking weak on defense so they went along with the fuckery
  Part of the problem was that we Americans are massive pussies in general, and we were all scared shitless after the attack and Republicans exploited that perfectly to divide and conquer us.
  I remember the coverage after 9/11 and it was just fear mongering 24/7 and any overreach was just accepted as necessary. No-one really pushed back because everyone was afraid of being called un-American.
- I'm pretty sure he stated something in one of those videos didn't he?
  I don't think he specified conservatives explicitly, but something to the effect of causing Americans to destroy themselves.
- You had me until the trump bullshit. That’s the problem with liberals, they think their precious democrats are angels. They’re just as much party of the security state as the republicans.

In all fairness, their 9/11 attack was massivelly successful in getting the US into a spiral of increasing authoritarianism and propaganda which in turn accelerated the pillaging of the wealth of must of its population that really took off in the time of Reagan: basically people so easilly accepted massive levels of surveillance and complete total subversion via things such as anti-Terrorism legislation of the balance of Rule Of Law, that the elites just started squeezing people more and faster with total confidence that people wouldn't rebel or be able to do anything about it.
I mean, Neoliberalism would always naturally end up in a new Gilded Age only worse, but the rush away from fundamental elements of Democracy (you know, not to be under surveillance by a Stasi-like structure or be treated as a terrorist because of being a member of an Environmentalist group) - which in turn resulted in situations as we see now with UHC and Luigi and the vey open "in service of the 0.01%" behaviour of the Ju$tice System and the Press - was anchored on using 9/11 as an excuse.
- I always argue that bin Laden succeeded in his goals in the 9/11 attack, just the effects were delayed. This country changed overnight for the worse. I was 12, I didn’t believe the official story at the time and still don’t. Bush had the shadiest ties to the saudis and he wanted a war. I’m 100% convinced that at minimum his admin let it happen so they had an excuse to start a forever war and clamp down at home against anyone that threatened their interests. It’s interesting that environmental and animal rights protesters get hit with terrorism charges and life long jail sentences, it’s interesting that’s happening to Luigi too, and it’s really interesting that not a single school shooter has been charged with the same. Is shooting up a school not terrorism or do you need to shout allah akbar first?
  
  Regardless of the reality of what happened, the increased scrutiny and surveillance pushed a lot of people to distrust of institutions, just like you.
  That sentiment was actually ramping up quite a bit in the 90s, and the way the factors that led to the mistrust never went away, but we were given a Faustian deal to ignore them or be labeled a traitor made it all worse.
- I think it was the crashing of our economy that allowed the holding companies and hedge funds to buy up more stock, then Alan Greenspan deciding to set interest rates at 0 to boost the economy, which was a huge factor in creating the housing bubble, that really fucked us.
  Mass surveillance certainly didn’t help, but 9/11 also brought out the beginnings of the “America First, fuck you I got my big diesel truck with flags all over it” crowd too. Wait I mean patriots.
- I think there’s no direct connection between the surveillance state and authoritarianism in this context, but certainly an indirect one.
  It’s the xenophobia, racism, us vs them, and all that type of rhetoric seized on by the republicans that expanded well beyond just the external forces and took over. Now they paint everything they can with that brush. That drove the surveillance state and the constant harping on border control. Everyone outside the border is a drug dealer, rapist, freeloader, socialist, or terrorist. Beating the drum of fear over and over again. The authoritarianism is them doing unto others before the others even thought about doing anything at all, the republicans just assume everyone is like them and want to beat them to the punch. The control they’re asserting is so they can keep doing unto others while stuffing their own pockets as fast as possible. Because everyone’s greedy like them, too.
  
  False. Patriot act, the NSA, etc. that all started in response to 9/11.
  NYC’s insane militarized police force that trains with the Israelis and is essentially a quasi army of its own. That’s 9/11.
  There’s no way you were alive and conscious for 9/11 if you think this because you are severely misinformed.
  The rest of your comment is just America as america has always been. It’s always been xenophobic and racist. It was built on slavery and genocide these things didn’t just appear after 9/11.

They definitely won.
- Capitalists have always been winning.
  
  I was talking about Al-Qaeda.

"DEATH TO AMERICA!!!!.....oh, nevermind. I see you're doing it yourselfs. Carry on." ~Some Al Quida guy probably.

Am I Al-Qaeda?
- Y'all-Qaeda

That faux-arabic hurts my eyes, what the fuck
- Why would they use actual Arabic on a parody site?
  
  It's not just nonsense arabic words, arabic is connected together, like this: مملكة which the individual letters look like م م ل ك ة
  But they wrote it disconnected, which is really disorienting for me.
  Also, why wouldn't they? not being rude, just curious.