Burgers

Agreed, not only for fitting in your mouth reasons, but also because the ratio of burger to bun to other toppings needs to be balanced. Too many burgers these days are made for Instagram, not for taste.
- All the food I see online these days is frankly disgusting looking. It's always turned up to 11. These "chefs" are like porn addicts searching for something more extreme and crazy every time.
  
  Lol I was banned from r/food a long time ago for commenting on a photo of a "galaxy cake" that all that black food dye would probably taste nasty. It did look cool tho...
- You don't want your bun-to-burg ratio too high, though.
- Low key European burgers got it going

If it needs a wooden support column in the middle it's bad design.

I would rather have two burgers rather than a super tall or wide burger.

A few reasons for this,
When you're plating food you want things to be ERECT and VOLUPTUOUS, people eat with their eyes more than their mouth and making a plate of food look more attractive than 90% of the population is an artform that all self respecting chefs aspire for.
It's really funny to make the waiter/waitress you hate run a burger that's really really tall.
We might have a competition running in the kitchen for who can make the tallest burger with the same portion sizes
But I agree, as much as I like making them whenever I get a tall burger I'm like 'wtf man?'
Bonus points if they've rammed a fucken steak knife through it like a one eyed man playing five finger fillet

You're not wrong. There was this place in Denmark known for its reasonable prices and large serving sizes. They did burgers the size and general shape of pizzas, albeit taller. We used to order one and split it between the people in the office, with the other half saved for the next day. It was fucking awesome.

I would rather have two small burgers that can be eaten with hands than a tall burger that needs to beaten with knife and fork.
- They have this, it’s sliders
- Double it. Four even smaller burgers. 8 if you're feeling brave.

Ahhh, you missed the burger war of 2016!
My wife was craving, and I quote, "a burger big enough to choke an elephant."
Challenge accepted.
I get the supplies together, and set out on a mission. Great big ol buns, and an obscene amount of beef. Half a pound each. I was not fucking around, and was perfect willing to make mine a three meal endeavour, I don't mind leftover burgers.
So, these fuckers are full bun sized, and almost an inch thick when cooked.
I get everything plated, all the fixins on the table and give a yell.
Annnnnd it was on. They were "too big, do you think I can suck an orange down or something?" No comment.
But, you said you wanted a burger that could choke an elephant.
I didn't mean literally, I can't even take a bite!
Well, squash it down.
But then it's all squashed.
Then cut it into pieces? I don't know, you said you wanted giant mouthfuls of hot, salty, greasy meat, and you turned down the D, so you gotta work with me here.
But it's a burger, you shouldn't have to cut it.
I take a giant bite
I don't have to.
Well, yeah, but you could suck elephant dick, sasquatch boy.
I'll give you something to suck, you sass machine.
I just want a burger, couldn't you have made it bigger around instead?
Maybe if you wanted it to hang off the bun like crazy, they only make them so big. Any thinner and I'd have had to cook them one at a time because they'd be the size of a plate.
Well, why didn't you just cook smaller burgers altogether?
Because you said you wanted a burger that could choke an elephant. If you just wanted a bunch of regular sized burgers, you could have gotten a whopper or whatever.
But you know I can only open my jaw so far.
Yeah, I know exactly how far, and that burger isn't anywhere near that thick, thank you
It is with the bun and everything! It's thicker!
Look, you turned that down anyway, not my fault. Just cut it in half and make two burgers.
But then it's only crusty and crispy on one side.
Well, I can give it a quick sear.
But then it's over cooked
Do you not want the burger? Look at the dog, she wants it.
I want it! I just want it where I can get my mouth on it to take a bite.
reaches over and pulls the patty off, then squashes it on the plate
There, that'll do it.
But now it's all messy!
Woman, you do know there's limited options here. You said you wanted huge. They're huge. They're amazing too, no matter how squished and messy. Eat the burger.
Fine!
Mumble-grumble jaw going to hurt for days, rassin frassin yeti looking hairball
So, is it good?
Mmph.
Is that a yes?
Myus, itsh good. frantic chewing and swallowing
See, I told you
enter the bird of paradise, flipping my way
Love you too baby
- Mate I just had to read this to my wife because it sounds exactly like a conversation we would have! It sounds like you two are just as happy in your relationship as we 😊
  
  We have so much fun. When you can take the piss a little, it really does help keep things happy, because it's all from love
- Hahaha nice!

But super tall burgers with a ridiculous amount of toppings spilling out the side are TRENDY
- I don't even know how i would begin to eat this
  
  For starters, it hardly even looks appetizing. Looks like plastic.
  
  Fork and knife deconstructed would be my solution. But i wouldn’t order this. I prefer plain cheeseburgers.
- This looks more like a kebab than a burger. Burgers are just hamburg steaks on bread maybe with some toppings, this abomination is a kebab with some bread.
- ew
- Is that dude wearing a suit? Probably had to just throw it away after wearing it while eating that.
  Edit: The roll at the top looks like a tiny hat.
- I got diabetes just looking at that monstrosity.

A small medium and large burger meal should also have a small medium and large burger not just a drink and fries.
- Some fast food places work a bit like this in the sense that you tell them how many meat patties you want. It doesn't change the diameter, but affects the height a fair amount.

My point exactly. If I have to disassemble it in order to eat it, I simply lose the "burger experience", which for me is bun+patty+extras+bun, to be eaten by hand. I would end up with one half-burger with bun and patty, and one with bun and extras, difficult to eat by hand because you cannot grip it properly because the other bun is missing.
- You have to eat it top to bottom, that's why there's salad and pickles at the top, meat in the middle and ice-cream at the bottom. It's designed scientifically!
  
  I nearly spewed my coffee across the table when I read 'ice cream'.
  
  Mmmm meat juice ice cream, my favorite!

My jaw would disconnect trying to eat instagram tower burgers

No, burgers should be smaller. Sliders are peak burger IMO, then you can just eat as many sliders as you want.
- Disagree. The problem with sliders is that you get more bread than burger, and the bread will fill you up faster while leaving you unsatisfied.
  
  Hear me out;
  tinier buns. Or just Hawaiian buns.
  
  My problem exactly. Thicker burger plz

I just want a double patty smashburger with good sauce and cheddar cheese
- Maybe unpopular opinion here, but I started ordering doubles from Steak and Shake with just ketchup, mustard onion and cheese. They fucking slam. All the rest of the menu is over dressed for the occasion when they have solid burgers underneath.
- Get some maple glazed peppercorn bacon and some bbq sauce on there and I'll be right next to you!

Mfers trying to make us unhinge our jaws to eat...
- Eat like snake

Amen brother, just turned down an 8 pack as they were fatter.
My buns need a burger that matches it!
- I thought your buns needed some sausage

It's the only thing correct about a Whopper.

Mr Crabs doesn't want to order different size patties and buns, when stacking does the trick

A 1/4 lb burger seems to be perfect for me. Bonus points for a smashburger. When they get too fat it's more like eating a meatloaf sandwich.
As far as condiments, I might be weird, but I just want basics (mustard, mayo, onion, maybe a pickle, and a good slice of cheese). It's too much and too wet to put on the whole garden salad.

Pancake sized burgers. Yes.

Never understood the purpose of big or wide burgers. Why not just two normal size burgers? Or like three or four sliders?
- You can't cook a smash burger rare
  The more thickness, the more rare space available.
  I personally like a big, thick, medium rare burger. I also like smash burgers, but they are completely different burgers.
  The idea behind wide is to make it look bigger mainly.
  But with a wider burger, you get more bread and fixings. Take a loaded burger and cut it into tiny sliders. You'll have little toppling towers, it would probably be a mess.

Have you heard of a Whopper? It's wider but they spread the patty to like 1/4th cm thick.

But the burger should be thick enough that it stays rosé in the middle and then you still have to put toppings on it. But I do agree that multiples are dumb.
- Agreed. And smash burgers are the worst trend. I want think and juicy and borderline gonna get sick unless using good meat. Not thin and crispy. I mean I like both, but smash burgers aren’t real burgers to me. Its like everyone is into Cali rolls and forgets nigiri these days.

Hard disagree. As long as a certain width is achieved, height should be maximized.
- Upvoted. Not because I agree but because it's a matter of taste and no single matter of taste should be treated as dogma.
- Depends on the quality of meat. Unless I'm making it myself, or ordering from a family-owned restaurant with a good reputation, I prefer thinner patties.

Burgers as a whole are a flawed premise. The distribution of material within shifts as you eat it, leaving you with random amounts of bun, tomato, onion, patty, etc. as you approach the midway point. Wraps do not share that weakness. Papusas aren’t saddled with this intrinsic issue. Kebabi solved it with sides. Burgers are the worst protein seated between carbs, and I don’t understand why they are as popular as they are
- I think you may be eating burgers wrong
  
  Where have you found burgers with slip resistant patties? Just please don’t say “McDonalds” or something.
  
  Yeah, it should be in a burrito.
- Eating a burger is always an adventure. People like that... Abd the taste of course.
  
  Eating a shawarma is also an adventure, but one with a visible and defined beginning, middle, and end. I don’t enjoy mystery in my food
- Either eat burgers made by proper chefs or learn to cook them yourself. What you list should not be a thing.
  
  I do, am, and do! I hand make everything, besides the cheese, wheat, and the beef. Doesn’t change a flawed premise. Now, wrap that bitch in naan and you’ve got a proper sandwich

Also how about less sauce spilling out the sides. It's still tasty even if it doesn't drip all over you.
- But it needs a ton of sauce, so it essentially has to spill out.
  
  I dunno man, I eat burgers at home with no sauce at all sometimes and they're still delicious. Melt some cheese on it and use good veggies, and they're awesome. Sauce is often a crutch for bad ingredients.

i think it would just turn into a multilayer meat pizza if it goes way wider than it is and may cannibalize the pizza market, maybe?, idk because corndogs, waffle hotdogs, and hotdogs on bun co existed. man.... this gave me a headache

Well... With homemade burgers, I don't mind them slightly thick. Because I know the meat is quality.
- And nobody sees you struggling with the inevitable mess.